So it's like this. I'm 40 and have been with this woman 10 years, living together for 6. I was a pretty typical shy Jow Forums loser when I met her and am still kind of a doormat.
I am from a family where we rarely if ever fought, but she's from one where they argue all the time. As a result I feel like she can always argue me out of things. I tried saying I needed space and came away from the conversation feeling like an asshole for not supporting her.
It also doesn't help that I do love her and I know she loves me. But I despite it all I am very unhappy. I know breaking up will totally break her heart as well as mine and I don't know how to deal with that.
Also she has been sick with Crohn's disease for the past 5 years or so, so I have been her main caregiver.
My family thinks I should get away, but I feel unable to. I don't really have any friends left anymore.
The thought of stayibg trapped with her makes me want to off myself, but the feeling of dumping her seems similar. I worry I will always regret it if I do.
Only one other real girlfriend in my past who I did dump and I have always regretted that.
Any help with this tangled mess my loser self is in?
How about explaining the abuse? At the moment you say she loves you and you love her. You say it will hurt you to walk away but you haven't explained why the hell you want out. Please explain!
Robert Allen
What is even your problem with her? That she can argue better than you can?
Gavin Harris
Hello OP, I hope you are well. I have had experience in similar relationship but to avoid projection please give as much detail as possible.
>what specifically does she do that is emotional abusive? >has she always does this? >does she use her illness as a means to manipulate you?
On a more serious note, to gauge the level of destruction that would come from a divorce: >do you financially support her? >assuming you are American, pay her medical bills? >are you officially or legally documented as her career? >any kids?
Christopher Jenkins
It's tough to say, maybe abuse is the wrong word because I know she doesn't intend it. But she seems to eternally just need more and more from me and any effort I put into something that isn't her gets a lot of resentment.
For instance a bug fight and her getting very upset because I was cooking onions for s sauce. She can't eat them anymore but the smell is enticing, so I am a bad partner for teasing her with the smell.
It's many small things like that, any time I went out with my friends I would cone back to her being quite snippy about it. Over time I just stopped seeing them and eventually lost contact.
I know it's mt fault for not standing up, but it seems like any time I try to, or say thayt I'm exhausted with things, she's able to twist it that I'm just being selfish and unsupportive.
I sort if finacially support her but I lost my job a while back (partly due to being stressed) and have been unable to get another so we're basically borrowing from family right now.
I'm Canadian so there's no real healthcare costs at least. Her drugs are covered by compassionate care.
We're not officially married and no kids.
I could leave it's just I feel like garbage, am worried it means I will lose her forever and I will spend the rest of my life regretting it. Which seems odd given what I've said, but I miss her any time I am not with her as well. It's that when I'm with her I also feel horrible.
I find this interesting for a few reasons, I was engaged to a man who uses a wheelchair. I still to this day love him as a person but his disability became an overruling factor in our relationship. He expected me to make sacrifices and exceptions for him that he was not willing to give me. In the end I realised I hadn’t walked away because I felt guilty to consider leaving him.
Sometimes we spend so long caring for others and we forget to put ourselves first. She is a contributor to your relationship too. What does she do for you? How does she care for you? Do you think it is equal?
I also have a 65 year old Grandma who has had Crohns all her life and yet she is one of the healthiest people I know. She says this is because she is determined to stay independent, eat the right things and keep active. She has even told me that she doesn’t consider it a disability.
Kevin Cooper
Get out OP, her crohns isn’t a reason to stay with her. She lived with it long before she met you.
Ryan Taylor
Have you told her how you feel? And has she done anything to change?
Josiah Phillips
Thank you! Yes that does sound very familiar. And to be honest she does very little to nothing, but always says I don't di enough. I am more heartbroken than I can describe!
Asher Price
And by 'tell' I mean straight up appoint a time during the week where you're both free to focus on this thing specifically. For you to mention how you feel and that its causing you to think about leaving if she doesn't change. Maybe even consider couple's counselling?
Angel Edwards
Your situation is weird and Im not good in relationship related stuff, but I know a little bit about happiness.
Dont force yourself into a spot where you feel obligated to something and you're stuck there while suffering. Think about it for a few days, and if you still feel chained and unhappy, I think it's time to part ways.
Such shackles hold you back if you let them to, but it's your life and even if youve been with the same woman for 10 years... The bond is not worth it if you arent happy. Nothing is worth it if the end game doesn't contain your enjoyment of life.
Happy easter.
Matthew Moore
No she developed it mid way through our relationship.
Ayden Ortiz
Anything for a fellow user in need.
>And to be honest she does very little to nothing, but always says I don't di enough. Classic. Let me guess, you tell her you’re feeling unwell and you are out of order for not considering her illness and how unwell she is? Started to get exhausted from constantly trying to please someone else, with no one trying to please you?
>I am more heartbroken than I can describe! I can only imagine, after 10 years of commitment, it is a tough situation to be put in. Remember, if you choose to walk away, that is not because she is disabled. You would be walking away because you have become different people. I can empathise with the guilt that comes with that, but if she can not recognise the negative behavioural patterns and make an effort to fix it, it is her loss.
You are not responsible for the way she perceives herself or her disability. Eg, getting mad that you can eat onion and she can’t, it sucks but eating an onion will make her unwell, it won’t hurt you. She can’t penalise you for her problems.
I truly wish you the best, feel free to drop a throwaway & have a nice Easter.
Christian Martinez
Thank you!
We've had some talks like this, she doesn't understand my stress really and thinks I'm being selfish.
Henry Anderson
>Let me guess, you tell her you’re feeling unwell and you are out of order for not considering her illness and how unwell she is? Started to get exhausted from constantly trying to please someone else, with no one trying to please you?
Precisely! And thank you again. I feel like I want to and should walk away but at the same time it feels like the worst decision I could make.
Liam Young
My last bit of advice would be to look into care givers guilt. I couldn’t find anything too specific to your situation but I’ll leave this here. Hopefully knowing you aren’t alone in this will help
I'm just bumping this to keep the thread alive a bit as something to hold onto for the moment. If others have more advice feel free to share, but this has been very helpful already.
This isn't meant to be a slight on you, but its something you have to consider. What with the info you have given us about your own behavior. Luckily there are great therapies for co-dependency and BPD, not so much for NPD though.
Kevin Nguyen
They do, yes. One of the unfortunate wrinkles is that I believe I suffer from NPD to some degree, and though I try to keep aware of it, it seems to run rampant over my life.
It's one of the reasons I am hesitant to break things off even when I feel like shit. This woman seems to genuinely care for me a whole lot despite all the issues we have.
Very likely true on the codependency as well. That's at least something to tackle.
Bentley Roberts
If you want to stay and hash out both your issues you'll need couple's therapy tailored to both your problems. Which will essentially boil down to you learning about healthy boundaries and emotional communication, and her learning all that as well as how to not be manipulative to get what she wants. You will also touch on past experiences, all the way back to childhood, that have shaped you into the wrecks you are now.
The issue with that is will she agree, or will she just say all the problems are your fault and not want to do it? Most people don't like facing their problems (at least the deeply scaring emotional ones), least of all cluster B types.
Also I doubt you have NPD, a lot of symptoms for co-dependency seem to overlap. Do you freak out all the time wondering if it was you, if you were the 'asshole'? Do you honestly go out of your way to make up for it even if the slights that she points out seem small or nonexistent. Is she the one to push the envelope on it, is it never enough and shes still pissed about it. Never drops it and holds it above your head while martyring herself. Do simple requests on your end or any attempt to 'break away' for space seem to cause unreasonable emotional responses on her end, which you inevitably in up fighting about and she ends up gaining the upperhand through emotional guilt. Does it seem like she blames you for things that she is guilty of.
Its simply a part of the manipulative bullshit you have been through to make you feel guilty and like you are the main aggressor in every situation So the other person can walk away Scott free. Its a common tactic of people with manipulative personalities. Sometimes people are so fucked they don't even realize they are doing it, its just a defense mechanism that keeps there internal turmoil at bay. If you are even asking that question with any amount of cognizant guilt then I really REALLY doubt you are NPD.
Those are all good points, indeed. Truthfully I often freak out on her for things I later think were silly or non-consequential. But I do so because I got so worked up over it. But in general I try hard not to be like that with her.
Most of the things that make me think I may have NPD are more external. I don't like most humans and will be a total dick to anyone I don't care about. For many many years, since before my relationship even I have used Jow Forums as an outlet like that. Pouring venom on people over the internet is calming in some way.
Also I saw a therapist briefly a few years back and the personality test she gave me popped up that among some other crap I had a sense of "grandiosity" that was almost as high as it could be and was one of the reasons she thought she couldn't help me.
So who knows really, but clearly the tension between me and her isn't all her being selfish. We'reboth messes.