Does it hurt a girl to turn down a good guy friend?

So I ended up hurting a good friend of mine but unfortunately I don't know how. I got kicked from my friend group because of it, and what's done is done and i need to move on, just i dont understand why she was hurt.

We were really good friends, and had a really close friend group of about like, 8-10 people. Celebrated birthdays, christmas, played video games. i confessed to her once, she said no. a couple weeks later i told her the cards will always be on the table with her and then went on with my life. a year or so later i started liking her again, tried one last time and she said no. said she really hopes we can still be good friends. and i told her that yeah i still want to be friends too and i consider 3 strikes and im out.

i couldnt get over her for a long time. i still kept our friendship first for both myself, her, and the group. i got insecure and tried too hard to impress her and everyone else because i felt they were all too good for me, so I became tiring to them all over-time. on about 3 occasions throughout the past year i broke down and talked to one of our female friends about it, saying i was worried i couldnt get over it. but then later i was meeting new people, getting over it, focusing on career, and updating them like "oh yeah i've been getting over it things are legitimately looking good".

and then we had a misunderstanding, she thought i went to her about something because i still liked her (which was kinda true but not why i went to her about the issue). she told me she was getting vibes that im not over her and it puts a strain on our friendship. i had no idea she felt that way. i didnt want to talk to her about it so i told her she has nothing to worry about.

and then her and her bff got super upset, gossip'd a bunch, drew fucked up conclusions and then got the boys involved and now im not in the group anymore. i just don't understand how i hurt them. i earnestly did try to put the friendship first and was legitimately moving on.

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sounds like it was for the best, you would probly do well to spent some time away from all that and focus on developing new relationships and habits.

additional info is part of me trying to impress them is i would be like, talking to them about a problem i faced but then later showing off how i was dealing with it, instead of just dealing with it. we hung out only every few weeks so its not like i was telling them this on a daily basis but it did come to a point where 100% of the time they saw me, at some point or another i was just sharing something i didn't have to. in the girl chat she was talking about how it felt like they were all babying me because of it. I see how it did take away from the times i legitimately did need to talk to them about something going on since my family situation is pretty fucked up.

and appearently people were telling her that i still liked her, but would also share that im seeing other people and those 2 sentences in close proximity of each other would "disturb/disgust her" and i dont know why that would be her case.

i know that maybe they're hurt because they legitimately liked me and didnt know how to deal with it. i tried to explain things to them but they interpreted everything as the opposite i was saying. i just dont understand why she was hurt and i feel like a shitty human being for hurting people i care about

i agree. i did rely on them too much for support and validation. its taken time away from them for me to realize that, and the time to myself has been good for me, as hard as it's been. it's been a month now though and i really miss them because they were very special to me for the past 2 1/2 years. I want to tell them how sorry i am and what i've learned but i feel like they're the type of people that dont like to look back and i dont think it helps that theres little i understand because barely anything was communicated to me on their end.

You hurt her because she thought you had an actual friendship and then she finally realized you've mostly just been pining and trying to get with her this whole time.

>19430688

damn i think you're right. i've always longed for her and still do. and i did put the steps in to get over it. exercised, had my priorities in order, even had times where i legitimately thought about how i dont even want to be with her. but those times were always very shortlived. and even during times where i was at my peak, part of me couldnt help but wonder if she'd notice

This.
But
Men and women can't really be friends if the man is sexually attracted to the woman and she ain't attracted back.
Just drop the whole thing and lift. Find another girl and hopefully get some there that will help you move on.

wouldn't say she was hurt but rather done with bullshit?
>I confessed to her once, she said no.
Feels bad to turn someone down and is a kinda awkward situation but not a big deal
>i got insecure and tried too hard to impress her and everyone else
And shit like this can become really stressful for the people you want to impress while pretending there was no problem and no feelings for her while they clearly were. How can you deal with someone whose actions are bullshit?
>i didnt want to talk to her about it so i told her she has nothing to worry about.
You better had talked about that if that would still had helped. But you lost her trust when you said you were ok with being friends wheren't
>and then her and her bff got super upset, gossip'd a bunch, drew fucked up conclusions and then got the boys involved
can't tell what they did and how much of your observation is true
>i just don't understand how i hurt them.
Like I said before I don't think "hurt" is the right word but you brought a lot of people in situations where they felt uneasy and they don't think it will stop

I would say they can if they're just sexually attracted. I have female friends that are hot and it's not an issue. It's when you develop feelings and then keep clinging onto them as a "friend".

It's bad for both parties when one half thinks it's frienship and the other wants love.

Agree with you that OP should move on and take this as a lesson and a blessing.

>shit like this can become really stressful for the people you want to impress while pretending there was no problem and no feelings for her while they clearly were. How can you deal with someone whose actions are bullshit?

Yeah I know part of the reason they didnt want to tell me earlier was because they were afraid of how I'd react. I was told they were afraid i might do something that would emotionally scar them.

>You better had talked about that if that would still had helped

Yeah I told our mutual friends and her at a later time that i didnt want to talk to her about it because i didnt want her to worry but failed to recognize that she was already worrying and made it worse by avoiding the subject.

>But you lost her trust when you said you were ok with being friends wheren't

it sucks because at the time that's legitimately how I felt. Well part of me anyways. I always told myself it's still a plus if shes just my friend anyways. but i also dont know how much of that was just me lying to myself and i would beat myself up every few weeks thinking "you were supposed to be over it by now yet here you are"

>can't tell what they did and how much of your observation is true

my one female friend, in the girl chat, read for me word for word how the girl i confessed to was talking about how im mentally unstable and how they're always being my therapists, while her bff said i was "clearly manipulative". then the one mediator friend, when she finally lost her patience with me said that i shared things that were "so fucked up she couldnt understand why", and that I "hurt some dear friends of hers and said disturbing shit to the rest"

>but you brought a lot of people in situations where they felt uneasy and they don't think it will stop

I only understood some things in the moment, and told them I knew what i had to do. And I did. but it was at a point where my changes had to be overnight. it was already over at that point :/

Tldr but yes it does.

>girl i confessed to was talking about how im mentally unstable
I can imagine that was how she felt. If you say you are over it and aren't. I don't think she was hurt but rather fed up with you
>while her bff said i was "clearly manipulative"
you lied and wanted to "impress people". Can't say to what degree you acted manipulative but a friend of mine who is actually emotionally unstable and told a lot of lies and partially tried to manipulate us would have deserved to get thrown out of our group. He is still in but the girl who was the reason of this shit was never in our group so that wasn't an issue.
> i shared things that were "so fucked up she couldnt understand why", and that I "hurt some dear friends of hers and said disturbing shit to the rest"
Don't know what you told people about how you felt

OP here, I know that there's always a little something between boys and girls. this girl even said that to me when she first rejected me. I'm seeing a pattern that there is always indeed a little bit of romantic/sexual attraction between a boy and a girl if they are friends, but if its established that they are friends then that attraction is not something to ever be brought up or acted upon unless you're asking them out. Because there's a lot more to dating someone than just the feelings being there.

I was lead on for a bit because I misinterpreted her platonic friendlove as regular love sometimes because I had my love goggles on.

I do think that being unable to get over these feelings for her were partly due to me not being able to love myself enough, which should be the end goal of not just this, but with my life in general. Because as you can see, not being a secure person can cause problems for those you love. I know that I'm an objectively good looking person and my female friends have told me im a catch before. there may have been some temptation on her side that was ultimately turned down because im not a proper fit for her which is a very hard to swallow pill

>you lied and wanted to "impress people". Can't say to what degree you acted manipulative but a friend of mine who is actually emotionally unstable and told a lot of lies and partially tried to manipulate us would have deserved to get thrown out of our group. He is still in but the girl who was the reason of this shit was never in our group so that wasn't an issue.

I can give context on this one because I think I have it figured out. It's not that I was manipulative but rather they felt they were controlled. I was too nice which made them feel bad for me, and sometimes too personal which made them uncomfortable. created an environment in which they had to be careful with what they said to me because they didnt want to put me on a spiral. It was a lot of pressure they didn't ask for.

By trying to impress people, for instance, I would talk about a minor hardship in my life. I didn't always have to but i liked hearing other peoples perspectives. But I also liked to sort of brag about how I dealt with things to make myself appear more mature when a mature person would've just shut up about it. I've always been the youngest in the group and they were all a minimum 2 years older than me. The thing is, is before I went down that path, she said to other people before about how I'm mature for my age. It's clear that a lot of issues arose when i was "trying" instead of just "being".

Bringing up setbacks and issues in my life when i should've ignored them not only hindered my own ability to not give a shit about those things, but also took away from the times i legitimately had to talk to them about something important like my family situation. they in general just always felt really bad for me

makes sense. stop this in future

>>Don't know what you told people about how you felt
>With a couple of them, when I was afraid of going out and meeting new people, I shared that the reason was because at one point i had a lapse of judgement and decided to see a prostitute. The prostitute then fell in love with me and would text me things like "i want you to finish inside me" and that fucked me up a little bit. It was a legitimate hurdle I had to go over but i know that the girls in the group, although older than me, are a little more reserved and sheltered because they had more traditional asian upbringings while im white. (the only white of the group of all asians and 2 indians, with all the girls being asian).

Another time I brought up how I hooked up with a girl but she had this super dangly vagina (like at least a few inches) and then she drunk texted me a lot but that was very early on in the friendship and i never brought it up again. in general it sounded like the girls were uncomfortable by anything i brought up that was hookup related when usually my other female friends were never bothered by them so i overstepped that boundary without realizing it

And one time there was a guy that was hitting on one of the girls and then it turns out he was a youtuber/streamer and he had a scandal where he was trying to get nudes from underage fan girls so i decided to send him a picture of my balls because i thought it was funny and they all laughed at it too. Those are the only real instances I can think of.

>Wildly sexually attracted to a good friend, both to her body and mind
>Would happily engage an NSA fling with her in a heartbeat
>Totally okay being her platonic friend as well
>We get along swimmingly

Is the gist of what you're saying that she's sexually into me at least somewhat?

>I shared that the reason was because at one point i had a lapse of judgement and decided to see a prostitute. The prostitute then fell in love with me and would text me things like "i want you to finish inside me" and that fucked me up a little bit. It was a legitimate hurdle I had to go over but i know that the girls in the group, although older than me, are a little more reserved and sheltered because they had more traditional asian upbringings while im white. (the only white of the group of all asians and 2 indians, with all the girls being asian)
You don't bring up your stories with prostitutes. Ever. And the prostitute most likely didn't fall in love with you some of them are shitty human beings that can sense that they can trap an insecure man by pretending to be their gf and getting money out of that. Where I live men like that are called something that you can translate as "love clown". And yes I would have felt strange too if you had told me this story out of the blue.

>I hooked up with a girl but she had this super dangly vagina
Just why talk about the genitalia of another girl. Yes there are girls who aren't comfortable with this. You ever seem like a player or like a loser who wants to seem like a player and brings up his random hook ups to prove he gets girls.

>And one time there was a guy that was hitting on one of the girls and then it turns out he was a youtuber/streamer and he had a scandal where he was trying to get nudes from underage fan girls so i decided to send him a picture of my balls because i thought it was funny and they all laughed at it too. Those are the only real instances I can think of.
ok this sounds funny

and if you want to talk about you experience with the prostitute try using a forum for punters and talk about that. I read about a guy who actually had a relationship with a prostitute and she paid for everything but it ended because prostitutes get a shitty perception of men because of their work and she didn't feel worthy to be loved because she was a prostitute

>You don't bring up your stories with prostitutes. Ever.

The context for me bringing this up was, I talked to one of the dudes 1 on 1 privately about it when I was just talking about things that were rough at the time, such as being afraid to meet new girls. The other was also with one of the female friends that I trusted because we were having a heart to heart about our hardships in general. This girl is actually the only one in the group that wants to keep contact with me right now, although we havent really spoken since. And a day after my initial misunderstanding with the girl i confessed to, i was talking to 2 of our other female friends and i did bring up impulsively that part of the reason i was hung up on meeting new girls for a long time was because of a "run in with a girl who said X" to me. One's initial response was "alright TMI man". And it's no doubt to me that they eventually found out that it was a hooker

>Just why talk about the genitalia of another girl.

The dangly vagina story was more like I just thought it was funny. I wasn't trying to impress anyone at the time, and I guess I was still a little shocked by it to be bringing it up. That convo was between 2 boys and 1 of the girls, and then with my one close female friend when we were just hanging out all day and talking about weird run-ins we've had with people

>You ever seem like a player or like a loser who wants to seem like a player and brings up his random hook ups to prove he gets girls.

While not applicable to those 2 stories I shared, I did have times where that was the case towards the end. I brought up in the group chat at one point about how I was flirting with some of the moms that are at my dayschool because they keep giving me attention and it's just harmless fun. And another time I mentioned I was hanging out with new friends from dayschool. One of the dayschool girls started cuddling up against me and I told my one friend about this who knew I was just getting myself out there, and it was during a dinner and others probably heard and got that impression. Part of me was hoping she would be impressed that I can get girls when honestly I don't think there was ever actually any question that I could

It might at first but she'll forget about you when she's bouncing on Chads dick. Probably one of your ex-bros dick, to be more precise.