So I started dating a girl recently, it's going well. Here's the thing tho, she's really wholesome: no drinking (had one or two on her 21st), no smoking, no drugs at all. I used to be a total and complete degenerate back in college, getting hammered 3x/week, smoking weed daily, and all that other good stuff too multiple times a month. I've since calmed down a bit but still like to indulge every now and then. I drink once or twice a week, smoke weed once or twice a month, and maybe get wicked once or twice a year. I don't regret/feel bad about my vices, I just recognize that it's time for me to grow up. My question is, how best to explain my past to her in a way that doesn't put her off? Should I bother mentioning it at all? How do I be convincing that the recklessness of my past is truly behind me and now I indulge as a way to socialize with my friends? We've been dating for a little over a month at this point.
Starting a relationship with a wholesome gril
If it's truly your past the it doesn't need mentioning unless she asks, in which case you tell her the truth albeit not in the happy-reflective-excited manner that everyone does when they tall about the good ol days. Just bluntly state that you drank and smoked, and if she doesn't ask for details don't provide them.
Also don't lie about drinking and smoking now, and if you have to sneak to hide it then it's still lying
I've told her a couple of stories from my binge drinking days and she didn't seem too taken aback. Not sure how she'll feel about the harder stuff, she was concerned I would think she's an alcoholic for having a couple of bottles of wine at her place.
You think that she doesn't think much about it but it's in there. There is part of her who is thinking about whether or not she can really be with someone like you. That she doesn't know who you really are. I suggest you don't talk about those subjects, it's going to give her more thoughts like that. I am the male version of her in a relationship with someone like you. The more it is brought up or continues to exist, the more she will think that it isn't in the past. It's damaging to us to know that our partners went through that life experience, that we will never be able to relate because we didn't go through it and don't agree with it. In a way it's like a portion of your life doesn't exist for us and it hurts to think of you in those situations. Something to keep in mind and be sensitive about because if you can't you will end up putting her in a position where she might end up with internal conflicts of love vs considering if she can actually be with you long term etc.
Read into it more.. You're still doing those same things but less. If she has no interest in that lifestyle and you still have any part of it, it's better that you consider breaking it off before it goes too far. Your values might be too different and will lead to a relationship built on deceit.
I think you're pulling the plug way too soon. Nobody's perfect, if we mesh in many other ways and this is one small negative, then compromises can be made. Straight edge people are capable of being okay with their partners indulgences.
So how did you deal with your girlfriends past? What does she do to make you more comfortable with it?
Bump
She has no part in the same lifestyle anymore and has made it very apparent what she regrets about it and the reasoning as to why she ended up involved. If she still had part in the party life or the people who kept bringing her back into it, I wouldn't be with her. At the start of the relationship she was open with something awful she had done and it allowed me to trust in her more than I would have if she didn't. I'm still not comfortable with it at all though, more like indifferent and try not to think about it. I used to consider a future with her but due to circumstances I stopped thinking of a far future with her and just try to enjoy the moment. She is sacrificing a lot and has done a lot for me and makes it apparent that she thinks the world of me, if that ever fades so will my willingness to carry the burden of being punished by her history.
I don't know if you are the OP but if you are going through similar and in the early stages, I don't recommend continuing like I am. It eats you from the inside, being with someone who has lived an opposite life of yours, and one that you morally reject at that. I understand though, it's always harder to say something rather than actually do it though.
What the fuck does "get wicked" mean, you normie shit?
Jesus fucking christ I hate this board.
I appreciate your advice but it seems like you're projecting a lot of your problems user. I don't regret anything and I'm glad I got to do all my stupid shit while I was young and had no responsibilities.
Calm down robot. Getting ultra plastered is what I meant.
Well now you gotta reveal it, what'd she do, my dude?
It isn't projecting. If you need more examples people like your girl and myself, go look up posts on Christian forums about people who fall in love with someone who didn't wait for sex before marriage. Both men and women have the same sentiments towards their partners. Mine doesn't come so much from sex as it does the entirety of the druggy party lifestyle as a whole. You can live with no ragrets all you want, but my s/o has them. If you are with someone who hasn't lived that same life you are going to hurt them in the long term. It is selfish to punish an innocent person for your own desires. It is a matter of difference in morality and values. The base of a stable relationship is having similar of both. The advice you are asking is how to explain your past in a way that won't scare her off, except that past is still going on currently. You are asking how to manipulate a girl who clearly has different morals from you into committing to you when you already KNOW that you aren't compatible. You want to hang onto the idea that you are because you are in the honeymoon stage.
You want advice on what you should do? What you should do if you respect this girl? Tell her plainly about your past (that is still present despite your excuses that its only for social reasons) and honestly. If she asks into it further you should continue to answer clearly and honestly. She can then choose to accept you for who you were, and who you still are or run. Straight edge people aren't capable of being okay with their partners indulgences if their partners don't respect them enough to not be deceitful and not lie.
I'm not lying about anything. It just hasn't come up in conversation yet. You assume that just because I haven't revealed everything about my past to someone I've known for only a month that I'm being deceitful (lol). I'm asking for advice at framing the conversation. How am I manipulating anyone?
>How do I be convincing that the recklessness of my past is truly behind me and now I indulge as a way to socialize with my friends?
>I drink once or twice a week, smoke weed once or twice a month, and maybe get wicked once or twice a year
>Not sure how she'll feel about the harder stuff, she was concerned I would think she's an alcoholic for having a couple of bottles of wine at her place.
You are being deceitful, or at the very least plan to. You are asking how to frame the conversation of what you have done because you don't want it to seem as bad as it actually is. You don't know how she will react and you are scared that she will reject you for it. Do you really think that once you tell her about who you really are and how far you've taken things that she will accept that you are continuing to 'indulge' in the same activities? Do you think she will be able to simply trust you with them? "She was concerned I would think she's an alcoholic for having a couple of bottles of wine at her place".
My nigga, for real, what'd she do? You're user, no one will know
Yeah I do, I'm a pretty trustworthy person. There's nothing wrong with framing conversations properly. When talking about exes with new partners you do the same thing.
You're not.
Kek. And what makes you say that, because I want to spin my past in a positive light? News flash, almost any event can be painted as good or bad based on how the story is told. You're taking your insecurities over your gf's past on me that's pretty obvious, but have provided little to no advice besides to just plainly state 'yeah I did all this stuff' with no emotion or any kind of framing around it. That is literally the worst way to explain things to people.
>News flash, almost any event can be painted as good or bad based on how the story is told
just delete this thread, how embarrassing. to lack this much self awareness. normies.
>using normie as an insult
>self aware
Pick one, retard. I should have known coming to Jow Forums for any kind of real advice was a waste of time. Life isn't black and white you daft cunt. Circumstances and details are important to understanding anything.
>wahhh people dont tell me what i want to hear!! fuck this website is a piece of shit!!!
lmao shitty normie throwing a tantrum because his manipulative nature was exposed and he doesnt want to come to terms with it. try talking to your friends about it. im sure they will all support you and tell you that as long as you get the pussy its okay. your own personal hugbox.
What is your issue dude, you're projecting on this guy pretty hard
Lmao dude nothing is getting exposed. I'm not trying to trick her into believing something about me that isn't true, I'm asking for advice on what would help me come off as genuine when I tell her that I've calmed down considerably in the past few years. You have some serious latent anger my dude.