I've been with my boyfriend for my entire adult life - since I was 18 and I am now closing in on 25...

I've been with my boyfriend for my entire adult life - since I was 18 and I am now closing in on 25. For over a year now I've realized that I'm completely miserable with him but it's getting to a point where it's completely unbearable, weekends are my least favorite days of the week now because I have to spend them with him. I tend to just fuck myself up on THC or alcohol and then pass out early so that I can avoid it all together.

I want to break it off but I'm in this awful place where 40% of the time I'm incredibly happy around him and then the remaining 60 is like this. We have such a long, deep history together and we're so ingrained in each other's lives now that I have no idea if it's even possible to cut it off anymore, and the idea of building that up from the ground floor with somebody else is so daunting.

Anyways, before I keep ranting in this poor emotional state that I'm in, I'll just ask this;

Has anybody else here cut off a long term relationship before? How did you cope with it? Was there anything you wish you could have done differently or later regretted?

Thank you.

Pic unrelated.

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I'm close to passing out, so I'll keep this brief and respond with more detail in the morning, if it's up. I was in a codependent relationship with someone for almost a decade, stretching back far into my formational childhood. They stunted my growth and often gaslit me. They eventually left me, and it took almost two years to rebuild my identity, not miss them every second, and realize how damaged they made me. I coped with the loss by gaining a shitton of weight and burying myself in the relationships of other people. My regrets stretch longer than the Earth, but at the end of the day, I was too groomed to ever have left on my own accord. It is what it is.

What is it about him that you lost interest in? Has he changed from being the man you fell in love with to a stranger? Did the love run its course and die out? What led to this disinterest?

If you can't open up about it to him and if you can't decide to start a process, where both of you stop acting like children, break up.

Who the fuck wants a alcoholic as a gf?

What's happened that's made you feel this way?

Are you happier now that it's all said and done? Are you a better person?

It's tough... Long story short he's become a total recluse over the years I've known him. Mostly spends his free time playing video games and browsing the internet. Any attempt I make at bridging that gap just falls flat - trying to take him out places, trying to set us up for vacations, even just playing slightly different games that we can play together, none of it works.

Most of my free personal time is spent doing creative writing and he's never read anything I made, says it's all too long and doesn't want to dedicate the time to it. He's just completely caught up in his own world. It's very frustrating to have to live with.

Someone on the opposite side here. Ex orchestrated a break up with me, we were together for 8 years(high school sweethearts) and while it was pseudo-long distance(2 hour trip) we tried to make it work. When it came fine time to move in together finally after all those years, she says no and the relationship ended with a huge argument. To this date I still do not know the reasoning behind this, as she ghosted me immediately and cut off all communications.

I've looked into her stuff, and learned that a month or two after our break up she moved to Japan with her male coworker(do the math). Needless to say, I'm beyond devastated. I cope by drinking myself into oblivion everyday and gambling, hoping for the eventual stroke of luck in which case I die any death, painful or not. My only regret is getting into a relationship with her, alternatively opening myself up to such a situation.

Doesn't sound like the ideal marriage. Have you sat him down and told him you're not happy with the way things are?

I feel like a coward for bitching about the issues that I have when stories like this exist. I'm really sorry to hear about it and I hope you take care of yourself.

This is interpersonal dependency. Sure when you break it off you're gonna miss him like a crackhead misses his fix, but that's just what you have to go through. Once it fades away it'll feel like you woke up from a fucking coma.
Never understood stupid bitches who stick around with these shitty ratchet guys, it's like some kind of stockholm syndrome or some shit, I don't fucking get it. You're TWENTY FIVE bitch holy shit, I'm 20 and I know better, I knew better when I was 16, you huge dumbass. Literally the only reason you stay together is because of your history, you're fucking clinging to the past like a stupid idiot because you refuse to grow up.

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I appreciate the sympathies, but don't feel like a coward. People like me are merely examples of similar circumstances. Take my misery and learn from it. Make yourself stronger through it, god knows I can't.

Yeah we've talked quite a few times over the last few months and I've tried to do things stepping far into his world to hope he'd return the favor but it's just not happening. And now for like the fourth Friday in a row he's just sitting there with his headphones on playing Counter Strike all night. I guarantee you he'll do it again tomorrow and the day after, too. And that's after I made dinner for him and offered to both watch a movie or play something we can play together.

I think I just need to break it off, I know he doesn't want to but he's not making any efforts to change himself. I'm just so scared of breaking off a relationship like six years in the making but I'm fucking miserable.

Start packing your bags right now. Just do it. Go with your mom, your sister, whatever. It's over.

Kinda funny I opened a thread just a moment ago facing similar straits...

I'm with somebody who I share next to no interests with, and it's difficult to find depth or a meaningful connection with her due to this.

I mean you're not wrong in the least bit, it's pretty stupid. But it's the gambler's fallacy, right? Like I'm already so many years deep, cutting it off at this point would just be wasted time if it gets better after another. The 40% of the time that I'm happy is worth it when I could be 0% happy, right?

But it's stupid logic. Mostly I'm just scared of starting all over after all of this time.

Are you 100% sure that he isn't hurting somewhere deep down inside too and isn't using video games or avoiding getting intimate with you in general to escape having to deal with it?

That everything here screams "leave him", but I perhaps before this apparent inevitable decision, you could approach him with an ultimatum: either things change or you leave. If there is compromise, work your way up from there. If not, find someone who can ignite that love again.

Try talking to him about it. From what you describe you're the one drinking alcohol and smoking weed... Which is his fault, apparently...

Ain't no single 25-35 year old man wants some fucking alcoholic weed smoking house cat who complains her boyfriend, ex or new, is the reason she gets fucked up. There is already enough reason enough to have left a long time ago if it was true. He probably is the only sucker dumb enough to keep an alcoholic weed smoking girlfriend around maybe due to his own self esteem.

I cut off a long term relationship before... She was a fucking bitch, turns out she was cheating too. All my fault, I'm a cunt btw and I will never find someone to love me the way she loved me... apparently, and I fucking hope no one loves me that way again. She now is on that self destructive path looking for any man who can offer her love and maybe one day the white picket fence. She's getting used up and spat back out 6-9 months later when they figure out the false advertising or were just using her in the first place. And I imagine she destroys any suitable guy she comes across, even her old beta-orbiters are ploughing through her, maybe out of love, maybe out of spite... It's a spectacle to behold. As soon as I hear her poking her little head anywhere in my generally direction I run away, like when my best friend announces his wedding and out of the blue little miss is trying to talk to him again after 5 years.

You better be damn sure you're not the problem here if you're gonna leave him.

What I'm saying is... If you're basically 'doing drugs to sleep' that at the very least as much a problem with you. You're gonna have to wake up the next day with him there so doing drugs doesn't fucking help you with your miserable fucking existence. And then you say 40% of the time you're happy. So you two are happy when you're not fucking up on weed and alcohol trying to get to sleep or hungover?

Enjoy your hangover btw.

It's because you think the world is a harder place than it really is. As evidenced by you comments about how you feel like a coward for complaining about it, you are trying too hard to 'deal with it' because you feel that if you don't people will not want you. Granted, there are some things in life that we have to meet with due forbearance, but this is excessive and clearly has pathological motivations. If I were you, I would break up with him and if he refuses to honor that then I'd file a restraining order and move to another state. I'm not about to put up with anybody who makes me unhappy even 5% of the time let alone 40%, those are fighting numbers. It is important to have high standards of other people because human nature (esp female nature) is to be walked all over like a doormat. There are some people who will only love you as a doormat, but those people are retarded and deserve to smoke weed and play videogames alone.
Learn to require of other people the qualities which you yourself posses.

60%* rather

Read Do consider the other perspective anons, before you give relationship advice. The other partner isn't here to defend himself. OP hasn't exactly posted at all about how his partner could potentially be feeling right now. She's only posted about her perspective entirely.

So it happens to us all.

Bye Simona

That's all we have to base it upon. We won't get the other partner's perspective less he comes and provides his side of the story, which is unlikely. We are providing the most appropriate guidance for the given situation. Not to mention, relationship advice is best provided by, surprisingly, individuals who have been in a relationship. For some, relationships have been shit and for others not. I am sharing what I feel is proper guidance based off of my own personal perspective and that is all I can provide. Fuck is the point of this thread otherwise?

I'm in an almost identical situation, I'm the reclusive guy though and this post hit so close to home that I am in tears OP. I wish so badly that my girlfriend told me she felt this way earlier; she waited until the brink to tell me that she wants to experience other people. I've been a wreck lately but have been trying everything in my ability to better myself. I retired my video games for good and spend my free time reading and exercising and spending intimate time together. But I think it's too late, she isn't as committed anymore and hasn't looked at me with strong love in a while. Please, OP, sit down with him and tell him you're unhappy and plan on leaving unless he makes serious changes.

Since we're in similar positions, what would you expect out of him? What qualities is he currently lacking that you've been craving out of him? What would he have to do to regain that other 60% of happiness/love? I am willing to fight through hell for her but I'm worried it's futile because of how long this went on before I made changes.

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Maybe OPs fictional whimsical stories are all crap, just paper daydreams... Maybe he is someone who would rather read a textbook than a story or learn from experience hands on perhaps build something with utility or go do an activity like MTB where as OP want's conversations and long forest walks. Maybe he is playing computer games because his stoned girlfriends new story is the same as the last one and he doesn't say anything because it ends up an argument. Maybe, trying to organise vacations mean spending savings destined for a house deposit or taking out a line of credit that eventually he will have to pick up.

OP doesn't even mention if she's employed or if she even has other friends. There is so much omission I can't help but immediately jump to the above conclusions... The ones I'm coming up with is just the average bullshit I observe everyday, not even remotely jumping to the worst conclusions.

My friend's finacee wanted a sofa, picked out a nice one, expensive, so much so she couldn't afford it, asked bf if he would help pay for it, if they could get it, pleeeease, he said she can do what she want's but he's not paying for it as they just bought a perfectly good used sofa last year. She financed a sofa that was almost 20% of her yearly wage. She then asked fiance to contribute since he sits on it. He did not, she get's annoyed, he laughs at her. They are getting married this year.

>Fuck is the point of this thread otherwise?

Apparently it's becoming a pity party for woe-is-op. It's very possible she could be in complete and utter denial about her own faults and might leave a relationship thinking the grass is greener on the other side. How many alcoholic stoners do you know that get passout drunk don't live with their heads up their arse?

You don't get back those 7 years of memories. Therefore provoking some of the omissions might let her be honest with herself... Maybe she has to get over her little addictions first. Especially since she's here asking on the anonymous mongolian circus bug training forum and not some place where my observations will be banned.

Go look on mumsnet and find me one ex-husband who was actually a good guy wanting the best for his kids.

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I wonder if this is OP's boyfriend.

if he won't read your work, thats a dealbreaker tbqh.

how are your finances? your career?

fuck off. she doesn't owe him anything.

they both might need to grow up. but its not happening with them together.

preach

I understand that. I don't believe any of us are oblivious to the possibility that OP might be a conniving cunt. However, she is seeking advice. Besides, think of it this way, let us say she is a cunt, then would it be so bad to tell her to leave her partner? It does them both good.

>fuck off. she doesn't owe him anything.

And you're sure about this how?

the point of the thread is to give her the strength to end the relationship, which she clearly wants out of. her addiction and co-dependency are only exacerbated in the relationship. she needs to grow.

>her memories
fuck, are you that faggot bitch from Cats? who gives a shit about memories? you want her to mortgage the rest of her life for memories. you fucking goon.

oh, you're a niceguy soyboy, who thinks his romantic partners owe him something, like love works like that.

nah. no gaslighting here my guy.

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Sure, as if no actual debts could be incurred between partners during their time in a relationship.

Everything comes and goes with nothing owed between either of them.

Sounds to me like you're a bitter little cunt who can't afford responsibility of any kind to anyone but yourself.

Dude, you sound like one of those omega-tier basement dwellers that orbit a woman right out of a relationship in hopes that she'll fall in love with you. OP can grow as a person while being in a relationship, this myth that you can only grow as a person while single is retarded and has ended too many relationships that could've worked it out. OP and her husband both should makes changes for themselves, but also their future. She shouldn't throw away those many years spent because she's been unhappy recently. Make it fucking work, OP. Give him an ultimatum at least.

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Preach.

>this myth that you can only grow as a person while single is retarded and has ended too many relationships that could've worked it out
oh my god this

ya'll sound like projecting nice guys who are white-knighting for some dude because your exes grew out of their co-dependence with you. like, you're catching feelings for this guy. please.

OP's said she's made an effort. you think she's lying? he won't read her work. he won't respond to her attempts to fix shit. dude is a little man child, and ya'll a couple of manchildren on the internet guilting a woman into staying in her relationship. its pathetic.

ya'll are too much. i pity your ex's inboxes tonight.

I got divorced. We'd been together 7 years and married for 4. At the time I felt my unhappiness was almost entirely due to them and upon reflection while I wasn't happy with my life in some regards, it was actually almost entirely due to them. We'd talked about it a lot, we'd had counselling, she wasn't willing to change a thing about herself in order to save the relationship. That makes her sound quite selfish, but it was me asking things of her, I wasn't getting what I wanted. She was fine with me from her perspective.

At the time it seemed almost impossible to break up everything we'd built up together because our lives were completely interconnected. It was difficult, it was messy, but it is pretty remeasuring that my brain responded to it exactly how you'd expect.

I identified the challenges. I applied myself to coming up with solutions. I implemented those solutions as best I could. I got positive and negative feedback and I adapted what I was doing as I went. In the end while challenging it was very rewarding it its own unique way and I would say I grew as a person. Mainly because I was going through a new experience and facing a whole bunch of problems created due to choices made in the past, so I can't say I grew for the best or made the best choices, but it is accurate to say I grew in a fashion.

I do not regret it at all. I occasionally think of it with nostalgia, but not regret. I don't want to say I do not believe in regret because I do, but I can't change it, it very much was what it was so to beat myself up over it is now pointless.

My life is SO MUCH BETTER now. At the time somebody said to me "sure ... xyz is stressing you out now, but are you really going to think of this in 6 months? 12 months then, 18? You've a whole life ahead of you". This turned out to be very true. What seems impossible to let go of is a distant memory after a year, after a few you are almost a different person.

also:
save me the communitarian self righteousness. you don't think that cuts both ways? you don't think he owes her an attempt to grow, an attempt to responds to her calls for affection/attention, an attempt to work lovingly in and on the relationship? get your head out of you pompous prick.

No, you've just made it abundantly clear to everyone in this thread that you haven't a clue how a long-term relationship dynamic works. This is most evident in the fact that you don't even consider the husband's perspective and the details omitted. Should he read her work? Sure. Should he be more responsive to her attempts to fix shit? Sure. Is the relationship destroyed beyond repair because of this? Absolutely not. This is relatively tame relationship problems and can easily be fixed with more communication. If he truly refuses to change, she should, again, give him an ultimatum before throwing all of this away.

Nobody is "guilting her" into staying. We're trying to get her to tap the brakes and do a little introspection before making such a life-altering decision.

>how dare that bastard treat a queen in this way, I would absolutely adore your work, m'lady

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Accusing everyone of being white knights while acting the part of the white knight.

Your tricks won't work here user!

Of course it goes both ways you beta. Have you considered that OP's drinking and drug habits are equally an escape as her boyfriend's submersion into hobbies?

Why can't she be wrong in any way in your eyes user? Answer me that.

>let us say she is a cunt, then would it be so bad to tell her to leave her partner? It does them both good.

You're right, maybe she is a cunt and my comments will make her realise it. Then she ends up staying with her boyfriend and making him miserable, this is the bf who makes her happy with 40% of the time she's not plastered of her face because she realises how good she's got it.

Come to /adv to give people good advice. End up advising a druggy to stay in a relationship where she's the problem because she's got a sweet little deal and didn't yet realise how hard the world will boot her in the teeth and she'd regret it if she leaves.

I guess the only option is for me to kms to prevent giving advice to bad people on how to be worse.

pic related: this is the shit I have to put up with sharing IPs for using mobile internet rather than having a broadband line installed.

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okay well, this has all been too much negativity for me. i agree that she should communicate her displeasure with him, an ultimatum is a fine way to continue that.

but i want to push back against this undercurrent in your posts that she hasn't been attempting this. her attempts to reach him haven't worked. your advice is for her to work through it with him, and its a bit rich that when she self reports that she's done this, you handwaive these away. like her attempts only matter after she's gotten some intercession from you, the unbiased advice dispenser.

she's been working at this for 7 years. i think she knows when she's had too much, and when it's gone too far, and when she 'can throw this all away'. fucking crocodile tears, my god. spare me your sniveling.

>projecting
you're a miserable cretin, looking for his own pity party. i'm sorry some girl left you and you felt it was unfair. tough, we've all been there.

she's obviously miserable. she should take ownership of herself, she should quit the drugs. shes a broken person. part of addressing that is leaving a sour, seven year relationship. he's no good, she's no good, they're no good together or for each other. she's never been outside of a relationship and you think she should just stick this out. god you're a fucking dreadful little shrew.

she's not like your lovely ex, who could do no wrong, except when she wouldn't try to save those precious precious memories you both shared.


i'm weak. you're an absolute loser.
i'm off. i'll leave you wretches to lead the blind.

Leave.

I cannot stress this enough. You're not happy, but that 40% acceptable time is tricking you into staying.

I was in the exact same situation when I was 27 (without the drug use) and I was a lot further into my relationship than you were. We had enjoyable times, but this was only when we had big plans or something specific to do. When we were just sitting together, or doing nothing, it was unbearable because we were just so different and separate.

Leaving was very hard. I dealt with months of wondering if I'd done the wrong thing because nothing was really an issue. I just wasn't happy, and knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life like that.

You're at an age where you could meet someone more suitable and enjoy your life together without worrying about rushing into the future. It will be hard to make that decision to leave, but so much healthier than staying in a relationship where you're unhappy and unfulfilled.

>you're a miserable cretin, looking for his own pity party. i'm sorry some girl left you and you felt it was unfair. tough, we've all been there.
>she's obviously miserable. she should take ownership of herself, she should quit the drugs. shes a broken person. part of addressing that is leaving a sour, seven year relationship. he's no good, she's no good, they're no good together or for each other. she's never been outside of a relationship and you think she should just stick this out. god you're a fucking dreadful little shrew.

Contrary to popular belief user, some of us just believe that there are things worth fighting for before letting go. Every advice that has been given that urge to consider her partner are not telling her to remain in bondage or whatever it is you perceive her to be in.

The advice has been for her to come clean and be honest with herself about her relationship, to be sure that she is also not at fault, before she makes a life altering decision.

Yet for some reason all you have perceived is that we are telling her to stay with her no matter what. I think, if anything, you're the one projecting, user, especially considering how offended you are with your responses.

>but i want to push back against this undercurrent in your posts that she hasn't been attempting this. her attempts to reach him haven't worked. your advice is for her to work through it with him, and its a bit rich that when she self reports that she's done this, you handwaive these away. like her attempts only matter after she's gotten some intercession from you, the unbiased advice dispenser.

She has not mentioned that she has actually sat down with him and talked to him about how she feels about what's going on. Sure, she has attempted to bridge the difference by trying to participate in his hobbies with him...but it's clear, and many others have said so, that she hasn't actually talked to him about her problems straight.

Also, you probably don't realize how much of a white knight you come across. You think she's absolutely faultless. You imply that only her satisfaction in the relationship matters. You imply that she is the only one that matters on a 2 way street. You imply that she has mentioned everything important to come to an unbiased conclusion.

You are so offended that many others are advising an individual to be sure of the larger picture before making big decisions.

It's astounding people take you seriously at all, given at how aggressive you are at combating people who disagree with you.

It seems as though you have your mind set on the idea that she is a druggy. There is nothing to suggest so, so why would I treat OP's questions with a grain of salt?

>She could be a shithead and we could be enabling her to be more of a shithead

She could also be a man pretending to seek advice. She could be a murderer. She could be this or that. I don't know any of that nor will I treat her as so. She came to seek advice and I am providing advice to the best of my ability. Anyone could have came and asked the same question and my answer would be the same.

>It seems as though you have your mind set on the idea that she is a druggy. There is nothing to suggest so, so why would I treat OP's questions with a grain of salt?

>I tend to just fuck myself up on THC or alcohol and then pass out early so that I can avoid it all together.

>There is nothing to suggest so

>fuck myself up on THC or alcohol and then pass out

Now where would I get that idea.

I stand corrected and am embalmed in shame. I suppose I lost interest in OP's affairs at this point in our conversation. Best of luck, OP. And user, have yourself a good day.

You’re not “miserable with him”, you’re just miserable. Get a hobby, exercise, make new friends, etc., but remain loyal to your guy.

it sounds like you have a lot of problems you are pawning off on your boyfriend, regardless of whether or not the relationship is good. if you are miserable and fucking with substances, that's your own thing.

my general advice is not to date someone you don't want to be with. more practically, you haven't posted a single thing in your OP about what is actually wrong with the relationship, so it's impossible to say how salvageable it is. maybe the relationship can be salvaged easily, but not if you just keep getting drunk and high and doing nothing.