Hey Jow Forums. I'm looking for advice on what to do with my relationship. I've been with this guy for 3 years...

Hey Jow Forums. I'm looking for advice on what to do with my relationship. I've been with this guy for 3 years, and we both still live at home. I'm really only still at home because we live in a dead end rinky-dink little retirement town and there aren't any apartments available in my price range (alone). My boyfriend lives at home because he wants to. He's a bit older than me, nearly 30 and certified to work in a somewhat okay job. He's trying to get into a higher college program to get higher certification and taking one class at a time. This comes into play later. I want to move out and start my life in a bigger town and go back to school. It's time for me, I'm ready.

I feel like this person is honestly just emotionally abusing me but I'm not sure if I'm just sensitive or crazy or what. Every time I bring up wanting to move away to a bigger town (with more places to live, college programs suitable for ME as well as him--which there aren't here) he tells me that I'm rushing him, that I'm impatient, that I'm trying to ruin his life and I don't want him to do well because if he leaves his mom's house he'll be broke. He tells me that if I move out of my parents house I'll fail and inevitably move back (where I'm stuck with an abusive parent), and all of my friends that live on their own will fail too so I shouldn't try. He tells me that in ~5 years' time when he has his college over THEN I can start working on a career for myself in a better town since he started on a career first before we met.

He has 30 grand in the bank from inheritance. His mom pays his medical bills, dental bills, probably a lot I don't know about...I've been paying all of my own expenses since the day I turned 18. He's never been poor. I've lived in poverty my entire life. He has it so much better than me and he insists that even HE won't make it on his own. Part of it is warped worldview on his part from being spoiled but part of it I feel is just...

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>He has 30 grand in the bank from inheritance. His mom pays his medical bills, dental bills, probably a lot I don't know about...I've been paying all of my own expenses since the day I turned 18. He's never been poor. I've lived in poverty my entire life. He has it so much better than me and he insists that even HE won't make it on his own. Part of it is warped worldview on his part from being spoiled but part of it I feel is just...

Ugh, this was my last relationship. Never again will I date someone so out of touch who can't even comprehend of life without a silver spoon stuck up his ass.

(2/?)
...manipulation and control on his part. He wants to keep me here. The only way he'll want to live with me unless he makes it into a school out of town is if I move in with his mom and siblings. The man is almost 30. I love him but I feel like I'm the only one who wants to be an adult here. He brags all the time about new gadgets he bought and it makes me furious. I barely can feed myself outside of saving up for a place and insurance expenses.

The worst part is he's told me I'm terrible and just "wanting him to work fast food instead" so he'll live with me so many times that I get this stab of anxiety any time I feel like bringing it up. I feel nuts.

(3/3)
My parents love this guy. I love this guy. At least I think I still do. We used to have such good times and sometimes we still do! But I'm so tired of being pushed aside and told that the things I want (i.e. a normal life outside of my family home) are selfish, irresponsible, and terrible things to want. He tells me that wanting to live with him before he's done with school is wanting him to fail, and that I want to use him for all of his money and then leave when I get what I want. I've never met anyone with this attitude before...if I ever get to go back to school I'll have to work, live by myself, and go to school. There is no suitable program here for me. There isn't for most people in our town. He doesn't want to have to go to school and work at the same time if he also has to pay rent...and he thinks I'm evil for imposing that expectation on him. I've waited 3 years. I've been told I'm being impatient for at least the last 2. He thinks he'll be "ready" in another year or two.

Any time I want anything from him, period, it all comes down to how much I hate him, want him to fail, wish he would just quit his job and school and live in the slums with me...even if all I wanted was a phone call during a stressful time (true story)...it's twisted.

How old are you op?

Also the man is 30 years old and still lives with parent/s hes not going to move out anytime soon.

I think you should give him an ultimatum, you go find an affordable place in a bigger town that you could support on your own, and then either he comes with you or this is the end of the road, prioritize your own future higher.

Ultimatum comes after you secure a situation that you can sustain alone in the new time, so that if he comes with its only added benefit, and not a requirement for sustainability

I'm trying not to put too much identifying info on here but I guess it would be obvious anyway if he read this. 23.

The problem with this is the only places I could really afford by myself would either be a share or a very small studio. Much too small for both of us (I would need at least a separate bedroom and living room with both of us in one space since I need an office for work), so I'd have to go by myself anyway.

why is his mom paying for all this,
she hurts him
and he is hurting himself for staying

I'm not really sure. The woman is a saint and she's a wonderful woman, but only two of her five children are outside of the house. My boyfriend is the only one at home with a job so he's actually the most successful one there. She never complains about paying for everything but she never pushes them for anything else either. They're all stunted. His siblings are just like big children.

anything that cuts him of from the payment of his mother/parents will be a good thing

I was like him,
I learned to not take free stuff anymore, even when they beg and scream, "NO, I dont want that shit!! there is no free things in the world!!"

When you get free stuff from your parents for example, you are kind of their slave.

This is how I've always felt about it. He thinks I'm dumb for not asking my (also poor) parents for money for a variety of things, a car, a surgery I had to get, etc. etc. because it would be easier. But I'd also be indebted to them. The only thing I accept from my folks is the occasional meal when they offer.

I should add that I did, in fact, pay for these things by myself. I have transportation and no outstanding medical bills. But he insists it was the wrong choice.

sounds like my family
my mother is a saint that everyone loves (neighbours, related people, work poeple, etc...)
one sister which is married and has a child
both sons in the family are failures
father is weak
mother is dominant but everyone loves her at the same time
Ive went through a lot of personal shit the last two years, am 31 now, and this helped me to distance myself from my family
I try to be stronger and argue for myself more

the more distance i have to my parents,
and the less free stuff i receive,
the easier i can get along with them

everyone needs to suffer a bit in life, his mom can't protect him from everything

One of them thinks that because they have depression that gives them a free pass to never work or have to do anything uncomfortable. I constantly want to slap her because I have depression too and work and force myself into anxiety-inducing things that are necessary for my health and life goals. The other one just follows her lead I think. My boyfriend looks at his life in comparison and thinks it's unfair that I think he's coddled. We come from entirely different worlds from both financial aspects and family life.

I think it sounds like that you are just more of a grownup than him.
As a baby we depend on our parents.
But even as a baby, the baby brings sunshine to the life of the parents,
and the parents are easily willing to give the baby food and shelter.
He seems to be still stuck in that he still thinks of himself as this sunshine blessing to his parents,
and that's why his parents automatically have to give him what he needs.
He should start to see himself as his own human being with his own worth.
He will not reach his full potential when he still expects to get free stuff from his parents,
just because he exists.

It helps me to see my parents more as just people, like many other people.
So my bereavement with them is not so different than with strangers.
They are my parents, so what, they are people too.

Maybe this happens to families without a strong father figure, but only a strong mother instead, I don't know.
A strong father would have thrown him out for his own good.

(and I don't want to blame fathers, because they once had a father too,
but at least someone has to break this viscous cycle one day at least someone has to break free from it,
maybe my father already bettered himself in comparison to his father, I don't know)

I don't think of depression as a pure medical condition
I think it has many factors
nutrition can influence it
silver teeth fillings can influence it heavily
and of course the own outlook on live and the social dynamics within families etc...

thinking it is something that can't be done anything about it, is not right
I think it's our decisions that shape our world and also our health
but everyone has his own destiny and has to find his own way out of the situations we are in

what we do and what we think and believe matters

I think it's mostly that there's never any motivation to believe any different. They're allowed to use depression as an excuse so they do.

Find a roomie or a small studio, once your on the edge to actually be able to sign it give him the ultimatum if he agrees you lpcate a solution together if not end of the road you have then secured your path

If you truly love him this will require hulksize balls tho

My suggestion would likely end the relationship but consider it. Don't give him the ultimatum just find a studio or roommate and suggest he do the same. Neither of you have experienced Independence - you'd probably like it and he needs it. Moving in together is just going to create a new codependent living situation and he'll always blame you for every little problem. If he's not willing offer up a long distance relationship, it rarely lasts but it can work. Or maybe you'll meet someone else with goals that align with your own. You'll never know if you don't try. I just think you need to expand your world outside of your family and this man-child while you're still young.

If he says wanting to be independent is just so you can drain his money and ruin his life, this is what he really thinks of you. He doesn't trust you after 3 years and is afraid to be responsible for himself. If you did move in together he will expect you to be his second mommy. You can easily find someone who appreciatis your desire to be self-sufficient. Leave him.

>This comes into play later. I want to move out and start my life in a bigger town
Where are you from that you can't find a job?

He sounds selfish.

It's perfectly fine for him to not want to move, but he needs to not project his fears and insecurities on you. Maybe he isn't ready, but YOU are. That's a big sign that things might not work out in the end.

If you've explained wanting to leave, I think it's time ot have a real heart-to-heart. If he deflects and tells you that you'll be back or fail, ask him to elaborate. Tell him you don't appreciate his little faith in you. Tell him you want to get your life going and don't want to sit around waiting on him to decide when he's ready to move out.

It may just be a matter of incompatibility.

Anyone asking you to hold off on your dreams is a fool and your enemy. Run.

Leave your shit town and find glory! Once you get settled you’ll wish you would have done this years ago.

youll find far more amazing men in the city. You’re blind simply because he’s the best piece of shit in that toilet of a town.

Eh? What gave you the impression I don't have a job? Have a job, just no career prospects and no other viable options in a dead-end town.

He claims to want to "eventually", but he's been saying that for years now. Keeps waiting for "the right time" but the right time never comes. I just keep sitting here watching him collect more and more money and more and more prospects and still be this sure any attempt at another life will fail. He seems dead-set on doing everything the easiest way possible.