Emotional Abuse/Gaslighting?

My last relationship ended badly after several months of steady decline. We had been together over 2 years - long distance with regular visits for a year, and then she moved across the country so we could live together. Things were awesome for a few months after we moved in, but then there was a noticeable shift in her personality. She got more stressed out (I believe from work, where she was working night shifts with some roughnecks), her fuse got shorter, she picked up smoking cigarettes again (or just started smoking more, this was something we argued about throughout the relationship and she would say she had stopped only for me to catch her smoking again soon after), her drinking increased (and this was drinking straight gin, at 4-5am when getting home from work), and arguments that should have been small things grew into shouting matches.

I had to be out of town for about three weeks at this point, so things calmed down and we seemed to be on better terms, but the first day after getting back she told me that she had a growing interest in her manager at work. Of course, I told her to immediately stop doing anything with him outside of work (if she had been I still don't know, I haven't discovered every lie yet) and to only speak to him about work related things. After a while of calling me controlling "for not letting her hang out with people", she agreed and said she would distance herself from the situation. Fast forward a few weeks, and she goes out one night to hang out with another guy from work (also argued about that) and didn't come home or respond to me for 8 hours. She came home and I told her to lay out the whole timeline of what she had just done, and insisted she was being shady. She yelled and argued about how I was being controlling and trying to guilt her. Turns out, she did go out with another guy from work - then met up with the manager for most of the time.

cont

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Then, in the end, I had to go out of town again for two weeks. A week in, she said she was going out with friends to a bar and I didn't hear from her the rest of the night. The next day, she told me she had hung out, had some drinks, then went back to her (girl)friend's house and passed out - but she "wasn't really sure" about the details. I pushed, and she said "what, do you think I went back home and fucked someone?". I said no, but asked if she had done that - she adamantly said "no" and again told me I was being insecure and controlling for even asking about it. Turns out she had gone over to the manager's house and fucked him. We didn't talk for a few days, and when she picked me up from the airport I found out she had also fucked him again recently, and lied about it.

Since the breakup I've been discovering all these long term lies, and thinking back on it makes me feel so deceived. I feel like trusting someone in a long term relationship is going to be really hard after this. It was so easy for her to lie to my face, and then turn it on me to say that I'm controlling and insecure. I probably was insecure, but the thing I was insecure about actually ended up happening. Am I crazy? Was this emotional abuse?

bump

Dude, it's hard to make our way through such a wall of text. That's why this is getting ignored.

Make is shorter and greentext it for more sucess.

Yes please tldr

tl;dr

>moved in with LDR gf
>went great for a bit
>she got stressed out with work, started smoking cigs and drinking more
>we argued a lot about dumb shit
>I went out of town and she struck up and interest in a manager from work
>told me, I told her to cut that shit out right now, she said I was being controlling and insecure
>fast forward, she lies about hanging out with him behind my back, tells me I'm being controlling and insecure for being suspicious
>we argue a lot about me not wanting her to hang out with manager
>I go out of town for two weeks
>she goes out to a bar with friends, doesn't say anything to me the rest of the night
>said she went home to (girl)friend's house and passed out "wasn't really sure" about details
>totally lied about going home and fucking the manager
>lied again about fucking him another time
>every time she lied we would have a huge argument because I had an awful gut feeling
>she would always say I was being controlling and insecure

Emotional abuse/gaslighting or no?

This sounds like either regular cheating (on her part) or emotional abuse (on your part).

Do you have proof of her cheating?

How is what I did emotional abuse, in any way?

and yes, she flat out admitted to it

>How is what I did emotional abuse, in any way?

Well, if she wasn't cheating, then you are a jealous and controlling son of a bitch.

How did you get her to admit to it?

Yeah, but she was, and she was hanging out with him behind my back after saying she wouldn't - any lying about it.

I got home and flat out asked if she had cheated on me when I was out of town - at first she didn't say anything, but I pushed and she said yes. Then I asked if she had had sex with him, and she said yes. She lied about how many times at first, though. There had been days of her adamantly arguing that she hadn't done anything.

This still sounds like regular cheating, I don't get the emotional abuse here.

But I don't get something. Did she admit it right away or not? Were you asking her "Did you cheat on me?" everyday after you got back from the trip?

I just don't get how this worked out, sorry.

Who cares? That relationship is dunzo so move on. Why do you want to dwell on it? If you're looking for someone to say you made the right decision because she treated you like crap, consider it done. I agree with you.

Just don't let it impact any future relationships. A person who loves you won't pull such high schoolish, immature behavior. Don't invest your time in a relationship where you can't openly communicate your insecurities and have them validated. A caring person will want to build you up, not tear you down. Lesson learned.

The emotional abuse is like 6 months of her insisting that I was being insecure and controlling for "not wanting her to hang out with people", which wasn't the case - I didn't want her to hang out with the manager she had a crush on, and she would lie about who she was hanging out with so they could meet up.

And she admitted it in the car ride home when she picked me up from the airport. A couple nights before that she had gone over to his house "and went for a run", then "he touched [her] back and [she] liked it". A few days before that was when she went out to the bar and went home to fuck the manager. She adamantly lied about both and insisted I was just being insecure.

>Don't invest your time in a relationship where you can't openly communicate your insecurities and have them validated.

Agreed

Ok, I get the picture more now.

To be fair, I only have one side of the argument, so I can't ever have a true vision of things like this. I mean, maybe you are actually controlling, and she did this to punish you. I don't know.

All I can say is that you should have included the last lines of your original post on the TL;DR part, because that's the important thing:

>I feel like trusting someone in a long term relationship is going to be really hard after this.

People can always lie to you. People can always take advantage of you. You can't escape that, unless youl iterally never interact with another human being again.

How long ago did you break up? It's fine to have these thought during the mourning phase, but you have to move on from them eventually.

you can make it

I got home last Sunday, which is when she admitted to it and I kicked her out of the house

She sounds like a horrible person. Why the fuck did you put up with her for so long.

That's part of my question. I feel like I put up with it because I was being lied to about what was really happening, so I didn't truly understand the whole picture. There were good times that I couldn't ignore, and I was chasing those while she apparently was actively dismantling our relationship

So you are grieving, that's fine. Yell, fap, eat whatever crap you enjoy the most, get this off your chest.

Don't let the break up stop you from enjoying your frineds and hobbies, have fun and learn to enjoy yourself again.

Just don''t keep digging into this more than you need. Try to move on.

By the way, why did she admit she had a crush on him? How did that even come up?

Yeah I'm trying to reach out to people. I've got plenty of things to do other than worry about this.

She admitted to having a crush on him after hanging out with a group of friends from work which apparently he was in (she may have lied about it being a group), and then I went out of town for a bit so she probably festered on it and felt guilty enough to tell me. She claimed she wanted to communicate with me and normalize the situation.

It's weird. Just out of the blue she told you? She might have been with a foot out of the relationship (mentally) at that point, probably trying to speed things up.

Anyway, let it go and move on. She is the one that walked away from this.

Yeah I think she's maintaining the "I wanted to keep the lines of communication open and normalize it" story to make herself feel better, maybe even cover up something she did

Another user here. If another guy comes into your gf's life and her behaviour switches like that you'll switch too in one way or another, no matter how long you've trusted her.

To OP. I've been there too but mine said that it was me being jealous and controlling that led to her cheating. You just can't win

>If another guy comes into your gf's life and her behaviour switches like that you'll switch too in one way or another, no matter how long you've trusted her.

I know of enough guys that are jealous and controlling to not assume the woman is in the wrong out of the gate.

Some people are so insecure they are sure their girls cheat on them all the time. I wanted to learn more about the situation before going all in towards any theory.

She said the same thing to me. It doesn't make any sense but I know she's just trying to make herself feel better

Idk if you've ever been there but if you notice the "a switch in my gf has been flipped" part of this scenario you know exactly what OP is talking about and why he acted the way he did even though he's been trusting for the entire relationship otherwise

Again, that's assuming OP was a chill dude beforehand, which I need to talk to him to know. You just take OP's word at face value, I don't. I prod and try to know the guy. That's what I'm saying, and that's why I didn't automatically tell him she is a bitch.

I tried to make sense of it after my break up. Let me say it like this. The other guy is cool and new and shiny. She feels great doing whatever she does with him, talking, going out, fucking. When you're against that you basically are an anthagonist. Her feelig great goes over you feeling like shit in this situation because now that he's there to catch her fall from your relationship you're not that important to her anymore

That's a good point then

I was a chill as any chill guy is when his girlfriend of 2 years started trying to hang out with at least one other guy

Yeah I get all that. Doesn't make me feel any better, just feels like the world is totally fucked and there's no justice.

>I was a chill as any chill guy

People have hard time being self critical sometimes.

I get what you're saying but I know I'm not an angry guy, I don't have a quick temper. I know the way I went about it wasn't unreasonable, she just kept trying to justify her actions by saying I was insecure

And as I said, I wanted to get to know you. IN the end it seems like you are in the right, so don't feel persecuted.

>Wall of text
Its 4 small paragraphs on pc
Hiro should just ban phone posting faggots like (You) stupid phone posters

To those who said it was tldr, grow the fuck up and learn how to read ffs. As for you OP I feel sorry for You, She really fucked you over and it's gonna be tough to forget that. You don't really get over that kind of stuff quickly, unless you didn't care in the first place. My ex was the same way, And it's a damn shame that potential relationships are going to be ruined for you because of one person's inability to deal with things, be trustworthy, And have self control.

What do I do in the meantime, though? It's just now starting to sink in and feel horrible, every moment of it getting replayed in my head while she's off continuing to be a fuck up. It's so many conflicting feelings at once; I know I did the right thing by ending it, but now what??

You shouldn't be controlling.

But more importantly, you shouldn't be with a woman(man for the ladies) who makes you feel you have to be within reason.

I getcha though. People dont understand sometimes crushes don't mean much, and they grow into a serious problem if you feed them. But people lose their damn shit and think they aren't in love and "have" to pursue it... When they just need to clear off and cool down for a short bit.

Yeah man. Entitlement. Hard times.

Let yourself work through the emotions, the grief and betrayal and all that. It's okay to be upset, you had a very upsetting time. Don't shove it all down because then it will come back out later.

Do whatever helps you work through it, whether it's crying or going for a run or punching something or yelling it all out.

Well, that and I'm 100% positive this guy was abusing his influence as her manager so he could fuck her. Just human garbage. She got manipulated, but at the same time she was a shitty human being that made the final bad decision.

I just want to yell mean things to her and the guy she cheated on me with but I don't think it will help in the long run

one last bump