She has some bad problems with bulimia. She's not as bad as she could be on the vomiting department, the worst by far is the toll it's taking on her vision of the world. I've spent 2 year telling her daily how beautiful she is, how she's dedicated and inteligent, how the only thing that's working against her is herself thinking everything is shit.
I always wanted to make things work out for her, and eventually got the knowledge that what she has needs professional help, I can't do shit aside from encouraging her to do the therapy. Tried to convince her some times, enough to get that any time I touch on the subject she protects herself with this enormous fortress. It's come to a point that I want to help her get better, but there's zero prospect of her even wanting to get better, even knowing that it really wrecks me from inside.
I would help her with anything and everything. But I can only do so much on my own for her. Now it's just self preservation for me.This is so toxic it's not even worth considering.
>I've spent 2 year telling her daily how beautiful she is, how she's dedicated and inteligent, how the only thing that's working against her is herself thinking everything is shit. Sucks but this shit doesn’t actually help these girls. They don’t get better from having a supporting bf, they only get better once they figure it out themselves, usually with the help of a therapist.
Xavier Baker
And I got that some time ago. But she says "it's part of me and it's going nowhere". She now assimilated the problem and IS the problem. Nothing I can do now aside from bailing out before it gets more compllicated. Like child support complicated.
Ian Cruz
Yeah, it sounds like she’s become one of those pro-ana types, except for her it includes bulimia.
I don’t think there’s anything more for you to do but leave. It’s not fair to you.
Justin Cook
And it's hard as balls to acknowledge that. All she needed to do is to want to get better. Everything else would come along. It fucking pains me to abandon ship.
Leo Diaz
>Like child support complicated. Presuming she’s still fertile... Poor girl. You can wish the best for her but it’s clear she doesn’t understand what a relationship means, if she thinks your being a good bf means accepting her self-destructive behavior. I mean, you fell for her, you love her, what kind of sick fuck would you be if loving her entailed enabling her to kill the very thing you fell for?
Owen Walker
You sound like a good guy OP. You don’t deserve this. It’s not merely that she’s harming herself, it’s cruel and sick of her to demand you to let it happen.
Joseph Hernandez
And the insane part is that I told her that. It's absolutely incompatible to love someone and to be a-ok with her selfdestructing. It can't exist.
I gave her an ultimatum this saturday. She either chose me or her loathing. Pretty damn easy question with an easy option. She chose her loathing.
Parker Hughes
Damn. Sorry bro. All you can do is move on. You did the best you could.
Ethan Evans
It's fucking wrecking me, because I'm the kind of guy that has zero care for myself, but give all of my efforts for other people's wellbeing. I'm essentially doing what I dreaded most in my life. Ditching someone to her own devices so that I don't fucking die emotionally also.
Connor Perry
>Ditching someone to her own devices so that I don't fucking die emotionally also. You are making the right decision. Also, it's amazing how often that a person you are 'saving' can suddenly function on their own once you leave.
Luke Sullivan
I sure as fuck hope so. I don't want her to be sad. I want her to use this to leverage herself.
But I have basis to bet on that.
Dylan Bailey
>No basis. Goddamn.
Asher Perry
Do you want to stay with her if she is never cured? If she struggles with her eating disorder for the rest of her life? Are you only staying with her in the hopes that you can "fix" her? Are you able to take care of yourself even if she isn't taking care of herself? Are you able to let yourself have a good day even if she's having a bad day? Are you sacrificing your comfort in attempts to make her more comfortable? Are you able to make sure you stay comfortable and avoid self-sacrifice while still supporting her? Do you associate supporting her with being a martyr? Do you enable her in any way by preventing her from feeling the consequences of her actions? Do you feel responsible to shield her from the consequences of her actions? Are you blaming yourself for her disorder?
Eating disorders are very similar to addictions. I would suggest that you read some literature directed at the loved ones of addicts. Al-user has good written resources, and I recommend their support groups too. If you go to an open meeting, they'll welcome you, and I'm sure you'll find something you can relate to.
Eating disorders aren't easy. Even if she wanted help, it's not as easy as "just stopping". Whether that's "just stopping binge eating and purging" or if it's "just stopping thinking poorly about herself and the world." The former is particularly hard because, like addicts, these behaviors are often coping mechanisms to deal with her pain. If she stops binging and purging, it's not like she's going to suddenly feel great.
>I can't do shit aside from encouraging her to do the therapy. This really is all you can do. Particularly "encouraging". You can't convince her and you can't force her (until she has a physical health crisis).
For your own knowledge, I'll include symptoms of a physical health crisis in my next post.
Evan Ward
Symptoms that indicate a physical health crisis in an individual with an eating disorder:
>Disordered thinking and not making any reasonable sense (a person who is malnourished may appear to have psychotic symptoms such as disordered thinking, delusions, or hallucinations) >Disorientation, doesn't know what day it is, where they are, or who they are >Vomiting several times a day >Fainting spells >Collapses or is too weak to walk >Painful muscle spasms >Chest pain or trouble breathing >Blood in their bowel movements, urine, or vomit >A body mass index of less than 16 >An irregular or very low heartbeat (less than 50 beats per minute) >Cold or clammy skin indicating a low body temperature, or a body temperature of less than 95 degrees Fahrenheit Note: a person has a right to refuse treatment, except under circumstances governed by local law, such as if the person's life is in danger.
Gavin Nelson
In order. Yes. We'd work that out also, at the very least we can try. No, but I knew from the get go it was par for the course. Yes. No. Yes and don't mind. I do am self-sacrificing, but in no way I'm willing to do that forever. Sometimes, but I don't get a kick out of it. No, except when the consequence comes from me. No, she can get heself out of shit well enough, I only try to protect her from herself. No, but I do tend to shoulder a whole lot of shit I shouldn't and am conscious of that.
And for the rest of the post, I'd be happy to go through hell and back if I could see a slimmer of hope for her and any improvement of any sort. I just loved her that goddamn much.
Jose Reyes
Alright. Comments, assuming you're going to stay with her:
>Are you able to let yourself have a good day even if she's having a bad day? >>No You're going to have to learn how to do this. Consider this a part of your own recovery. You don't have to start doing this tomorrow, you'll need the help of others who have more experience than you. But keep the idea in the back of your mind. I consider this "not being able to take care of yourself" if your emotional state is being effected like this.
>Are you sacrificing your comfort in attempts to make her more comfortable? >>Yes and don't mind >Are you able to make sure you stay comfortable and avoid self-sacrifice while still supporting her? >>I do am self-sacrificing, but in no way I'm willing to do that forever >Do you associate supporting her with being a martyr? >>Sometimes, but I don't get a kick out of it. I see that you recognize that you can't (and shouldn't) do this forever. You're going to have to learn how to have a relationship with her without sacrificing yourself. That is you being her caretaker, not you being her boyfriend. You two need to be equals. Supporting her doesn't have to mean being a martyr. You need to redefine what it means to support her, and what is appropriate for you to do to support her.
[continued]
Bentley Turner
>Do you enable her in any way by preventing her from feeling the consequences of her actions? >>No, except when the consequence comes from me. >Do you feel responsible to shield her from the consequences of her actions? >>No, she can get herself out of shit well enough, I only try to protect her from herself What do you mean by "when the consequence comes from me"? Can you give me an example of a situation? If you are protecting her from herself, then yes, you are shielding her from the consequences of her actions. She needs the opportunity to learn how to take responsibility from protecting herself from herself. She's going to get hurt, and you can't stop her from getting hurt. Remember: as long as she isn't exhibiting the symptoms that I mentioned, she will survive. I know you want better for her than survival, but right now, at the beginning of recovery, that really is the biggest priority. Survival. She has to learn for herself how to go from surviving life to living life.
Jordan Peterson
And you know the best way to help her? Is to help yourself. You need to learn how to go from surviving life to living life. Right now you are focusing all your energy on her, and you don't have any left for yourself. You can't keep going on like this.
There are lots of people out there like you, the loved ones of the self-harming. You have a lot of passion and motivation to try and make this work. In that case, I urge you to look into resources like >Al-user, Nar-user, OA-user, and Codependents Anonymous. Please notice that I'm saying Al-user, not Alcoholics Anonymous. They are different. The former is for the loved ones of alcoholics.
I attend Al-user, though I don't have alcoholism in my life. My ex was overwrought with anxiety and self harm, and I made it my life goal to make my ex happy. But I learned that, in the process, I was making myself unhappy. I've learned how to make boundaries, find my own happiness, and then reach out to help others. But I we have to have the foundation of being okay ourselves before we can help others be okay.
Lincoln Smith
If you buy a broken car, dont expect any sympathy when it breaks down. What the fuck kind of advice do you expect to get out of this situation?
I'm at a turning point where I need to decide to subject myself to her or move on. At the present moment, I probably would stay with her, if not for she actively and consciously wanting to be that way and never change. She made that painfully clear.
I'm not gonna invest days of my life suffering for no return or no consideration. I'm beyond done.
Hudson Williams
OP, I have to leave. If you want to talk more, hop over to the adv discord and I can get back to you there when I'm available. discord.gg/CrZGY
Brayden Rivera
Read the title of the post.
Ethan Gomez
>I'm essentially doing what I dreaded most in my life. Ditching someone to her own devices so that I don't fucking die emotionally also. I did this, and I hated myself for it when I did it. After it was over, though, I couldn't tell you how fucking great I felt that it was over.
Dominic Brooks
It would work like that for me. I'm not saying it to be funny, but I'm phisically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually spent. And I am because of her, not because of me. I've reached a new height in frustration.
