Emotional punching bag

My boyfriend takes out all his negative emotions on me. He's emotionally stunted, truly. He can't vent or handle stress in a healthy way. He works long hours at a tough job, and I try to do what I can to make him life easier.

He'll say "it's fine if you do xyz" and "of course we can go eat xyz tonight" then suddenly he'll blow up. "You don't do anything around here. You waste money on fast food. I've always hated that you do xyz."

Then after the dust settles he apologizes. "I didn't mean it, I'm just stressed. I agreed to those things to make you happy but it wound up stressing me out even more."

This has happened about 3 times over our 4 years together and I'm worn out. It's devastating. I ask what he wants and he lies to himself and to me, then uses me as an emotional punching bag.

He says that he wants to work on his mental health and anger but refuses to see a therapist (single or couple therapy).

I'm just so lost and hurt.

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Just the 3 times in a 4 year relationship? He's mean, and probably has explosive anger disorder (does he ever make scenes in public), but I think you're blowing this out of proportion if that really is the number.

I agree with this guy

You're being overly whiney and you appear to hold a grudge forever

Unless he physically abuses you, then get out of that relationship now

Making scenes in public, no. But he's blown up on his parents dozens of times. They are, admittedly, nosey and annoying.

It's mostly upsetting because it will be things that he is ok with and often encourages. Ex. I can not work and finish school while he works. He will suggest and support decisions like this. Then will call me lazy and a mooch for not working and not contributing financially.

The mixed messages and hurtful words are exhausting regardless of how often they happen. Because now I have a backlog of guilt. I wasn't working during the past year, and he was angry that entire time?

D

Real talk, how often to you give him a bj? Or even a hand job. Also, I mean outside of sex. Like just because.

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Sounds like he's trying to keep you dependant and insecure, so you stay.

something similar happened to me. I accidentally let it slip to my coworkers that my gf got physical with me and now they think I'm in some abusive relationship lol.

He always insists he doesn't need or want anything sexually. His medicine kills his sex drive, and surprisingly he's never complained about lack of sex even during these blow-ups. Anytime he does ask, I always say yes.
I don't disagree. I'm financially dependent if I wanted to stay with him, but I could fend for myself if I moved back to my hometown or with my parents. I'm not "trapped" in that sense. Insecurity has been a running theme for me, but it's actually gotten significantly better within the past year or so.

Nobody deserves to be abused or hit at any point. Unless it was purely an accident, physical force should never happen in a healthy relationship.

If he's refusing to see a therapist,
GET THE FUCK OUT.
People like that don't want to fix their issues and rather dwell in it, it's not your job to baby his feeling's. Either you tell him to see a therapist or you'll leave, I wish you luck OP.

>battered wife symdrome
I can’t enable you by engaging you in conversation. sorry. you obviously know what the solutions are, but your personality is to accept mistreatment.

I will give you perspective of someone in the same situation only on the opposite side.

All about the same as you say, I work extremely physically demanding job, long hours and sometimes at extreme heights all, on all kinds of terrain and shit.
Under scorching heat, and bone cutting frostwind.

I come home broken man everyday, I support the whole household, and when I come home after all that pain,stress and exhaustion. I want to eat something and go straight to bed.

Behold, as I enter the door, I see my woman who has it incomparably easier, being unemployed, sitting on her ass all god damn day watching fucking TV, rubbing her snatch or whatever.
I ask if dinners ready. She just says, that I could order out.

Of course I blow up at the useless piece of shit that had a whole damn day to make one fucking meal for me and isn't capable of even doing that. I break things, smash them, insult and trash her very existence.
And most disappointing of it all, she just stays there takes it quietly, because she knows I am fucking right and she is fucking wrong, but yet does jack shit to change it.

First thing OP, you are unable to bring about any kind of change, and you are in very few ways different from her, the difference maybe that you are in school and she is unemployed.
Second thing is that you don't have a fucking clue what your man goes through his work, so don't fucking underestimate.

Try going at life as hard as he is for a change, instead of whining here.

Jesus fucking Christ. OP, fucking leave him. He's refusing to see a therapist, and he's only bringing you down with him. Don't stoop down to that level.

Hey maybe uhhh you should find a new job if it's making your life this awful?

3 times over 4 years is actually an okay stat OP. Over the past year, I've been hit by my boyfriend possibly over 10 times.

I think if you still see value in the relationship, just accept these moods but make it clear every time that it's unacceptable - maybe even threaten to leave to determine if he truly cares about you. But ONLY if you see actual value in the relationship despite this issue.

Why have you stayed with him for four years?

I don't have that kind of choice, I am building everything around my life in this part of life.
My life is awful, but I have to pay monthly on debt for my house,provide for 2 people and put something aside for shit times and emergencies.

No other job that pays the same for welder, work that much hours and of course gets me to stay in my small town.

Not like I can turn back time and pick another way.

Ah. The classical life of a man.

Shame women and sois don't understand that. It's about "why don't you look for a new job". Sometimes it's what you have to do.

>Boyfriend has hit you 3.5 times a month since January

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>I wasn't working during the past year, and he was angry that entire time?

Probably not. It's entirely possible he can believe both things in turn (that your schooling needs to take priority for your sake, and that not contributing to the household income is unfairly mooching off him) depending on his mental state.

As someone who behaves similarly, I can go for weeks or months at a time without seriously considering relationship problems at all. When I do think of them, I usually shrug them off or rationalize why I should be okay with it. Similarly, while I'm resentful of habits I dislike, I don't fly off the handle at clothes on the floor or whatever as long as my day has been okay otherwise.

But when I'm under enough pressure, the things I usually shrug off are suddenly enough to throw me off-balance. At that point, I'm apt to lash out at the nearest acceptable target and bring up whatever issues I've been deferring, even if it's something I wouldn't want to fight about normally. I also intentionally infuse the argument with the most hurtful spin possible. Your sentiment about being used as a punching bag is accurate in my experience.

Buddy needs to work on anger management sooner rather than later. If he won't see a therapist, he should at least do some reading on it. In the meantime, since this distresses you and you say he's not the type who gets physical when mad, I would suggest you try calmly removing yourself when he flips his shit. Don't wait till you're tearful and flustered. Be clear that you want to listen to him, but not when he's shouting. Say when you're coming back, and then go out for a walk while he simmers down. He may be more honest about some things when he's raging, but that insight probably isn't worth gaining if it's so stressful for you.

If he can't handle you doing that much, he might be unsalvageable.

Woo woo muh mistreatment, fucking millennials FFS.

I honestly wouldn’t put up with that. The first time ok fine he’s just had a stressful day whatever l but after that I’d get my shit and leave. I don’t need that kind of hostility in my life and neither do you.

I agree that he should see a therapist to learn how to deal with stress more, but speaking from experience do you also do things that you know he's bothered by just because he doesn't immediately "chastise" it? Like does he enable your bad behavior, or distressing behavior because he knows you'll respond negatively? For example, my ex wasn't working and I offered to buy her stuff here and there when she wanted it, but at one point she took it too far and would ask for things out of my budget, then get upset when I couldn't provide it. Sure, I shouldn't have offered in the first place and learned how to say no, but it's tough when you see someone struggling and you want to help. I'm not saying that you're in the wrong, and I definitely think he needs to learn how to deal with stress, but he should also learn how to limit himself accordingly and maybe, just maybe, have some introspection in case you're doing things that you know sets him off but you do anyway because there aren't any immediate repercussions.

Damn, you're an asshole. And this is coming from a dude who doesn't particularly care for women outside of wanting to fuck them. Just leave the relationship and fuck new girls every other week you retarded mong.

See

>in my small town.
Word of advice: of you're trying to provide for family and the economy is that shitty in your area, find a job somewhere else and move. At first I dismissed that because of excuses like "it's too expensive to move, I have mouths to feed, I have some emotionally unstable family members that would see this as me abandoning them, etc"

But that was what I just said, excuses. I found a new job in a completely unrelated field in another state. We packed our bags and ran, and I don't regret it one bit.

Be a smart man if you want to provide. Money only gets you so far, you need to not come home mean and miserable if you want to truly bring home the bacon for your wife and kids. Being smart means finding a well paying job that doesn't warp you into a horrible human being, and often you must attain this by leaving a shitty surrounding.

Okay, I meant since a year of being together. It's more close to one a month, mostly small but sometimes get extreme

please leave him

I love him though. And it's mostly been my fault tbf

>it's more close to one a month, mostly small but sometimes get extreme

How long-term do you expect this relationship to be? If you want to have kids, getting into physical fights once a month or more is unacceptable behaviour. Either he'll hit them, or at some point he'll hit you in front of them.

>get hit consistently over the course of a relationship
>he only gets mad when I do something wrong, though!

Unless you can magically stop being yourself, you'll probably continue to do things that make him angry; whether you're at fault or not is a moot point. Either way, love isn't a great reason to get smacked around. Do you really think you can't find someone else you'd love equally well?

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No, it isn't. He's the one hitting you. One day he will go too far. End it now.

Jesus, user, break up with that douche.

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there is no justifiable reason to hit your partner, ever, it doesnt matter what you do.
he is abusive, and he will get worse, by staying with him you are telling him that you will put up with being abused, and he will push that to the limit until you end up dead
get the fuck out

I appreciate your constructive advice. Anger issues run in my family so simply dumping any person with anger problems isn't always the solution. Everyone has a tipping point. The problem that we have is that his tipping point remains hidden until it's too late to improve anything.

I've tried to remove myself when it gets too heated but he insists we need to talk then and there. I think we'll try to come to an agreement on this tonight. Ex. He leaves and goes for a walk if it's at night, or I leave for an hour if it's during the day. Or, if we truly need to hammer it out right then and there, we agree nobody leaves.

Thank you.

I agree with what you're saying. The issue is that he will repeatedly and earnestly say "no, it's fine. It would be easier if you stayed home (one car, school, errands, etc)". And I do believe him because he convinces me. I'll constantly check in if he's still cool with our arrangement and get seemingly honest feedback.

But when he hits a wall of stress, everything comes out with how he's "actually felt". Then he'll go back and say he doesn't mean it. Which is understandably CONFUSING.

theres nothing more enfuriating than a bitch being bitchy while eating your bread

his mental health is perfectly fine, he doesnt need counciling, you need to get off your ass and either work or study and stop being the daughter he never had

If you can't handle it, why not just leave him?

Which I would be perfectly happy to do if he asked me to. And I have had several jobs in the past. When it came down to school and work, we both came to the decision that I should focus on school. He didn't work during undergrad and didn't expect me to do both.

The underlying issue is that we worked out a system together, and he keeps giving conflicting responses.

This

You're welcome, and good luck. Setting up simple rules you can both remember when an argument kicks off could help a lot. He might even find he prefers to have an out so he can back off without feeling like he's running away. My first impulse is always to corner people so I can "win" arguments, but over time I've accepted that momentary satisfaction isn't worth the headache of trying to patch things up after.

he keeps repsonding the way you expect him to because hes not stupid, he is not going to ask because you are a fucking adult who should have the capacity to understand what you are doing is bad for you, for him and your relationship

what are you even doing whole day? do even enjoy it? for long is this the situation?

From an outsiders perspective this is the only answer. Of course you’ll ignore it because you want to fix the relationship.. Yet he, from what you say won’t even help himself.

>3 times over our 4 years together and I'm worn out
lmfao youre such a wuss. Maybe get a job and help with the bills. He obviously is trying not to treat you to your face like you're a leach but its difficult because you deserve it. I hope you at least make it up to him with good sex.

You don’t break up wih someone just because they hit you. There’s a huge difference between getting hit and getting abused.

>Behold, as I enter the door, I see my woman who has it incomparably easier, being unemployed, sitting on her ass all god damn day watching fucking TV, rubbing her snatch or whatever.
>I ask if dinners ready. She just says, that I could order out.
>Of course I blow up at the useless piece of shit that had a whole damn day to make one fucking meal for me and isn't capable of even doing that. I break things, smash them, insult and trash her very existence.
>And most disappointing of it all, she just stays there takes it quietly, because she knows I am fucking right and she is fucking wrong, but yet does jack shit to change it.

this guy gets it. Good luck man, try not to homicide

>partner isn't equipped mentally to deal with issues
>lashes out at me
>apologises later
>3 times over 4 years makes me an emotional punching bag
>he refuses to see a professional to help with it
If it's an issue, give the ultimatum to fix it or fuck off, there's no point sticking with him if he isn't going to make you happy, staying with him "because we've been together 4 years" is stupid, why stay with someone longer if things aren't improving?

Even if "just hitting" someone wasn't abuse (protip: don't be with someone who hits you, ever), this dude has hit her multiple times in a month over a period of many months. That's abuse.
Break up.

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