25yo female, been with my 30yo boyfriend for 5 years. ISO opinions re: a fight where his perception and mine of what happened are still VERY different.
2 months ago my bf started wearing baseball caps. I know its stupid but I have an issue with baseball caps because I was sexually abused as a kid by an adult who always wore baseball caps. I hate them so much, I know it's dumb but they make me feel gross and bad (yes I know its just a hat & I should be over it). But at the time I chose to bring it up to my bf and said it bothered me whenever he wore it because of this reason. I asked if he could find another kind of hat to wear. He felt like I was being unreasonable (I 100% agree) & the fight escalated- he said its ridiculous to assign a value like that to an item like a hat and give it that kind of power. I agree. But his anger and raised voice= not an open dialogue at all. While I was driving, he threw his hat out the window ("are you happy now??").
I know it's selfish to ask him to give up comfort to make me feel more comfortable when really I should be able to move on psychologically by myself. Today he said that every day when he looks around his work and sees everyone wearing hats, he thinks "Oh I can't wear a hat because user won't let me- how fucked up is that".
In my head, the response from him that I needed: "That sucks that something as small as a baseball hat is making you re-feel feelings you felt when you were being abused. You should work on that. I want you to feel safe around me, so I'm going to keep wearing the hat at work since we both know that the hat is not wrong, but I won't wear it around you for awhile".
I get where he is coming from- like if you keep adjusting your actions to avoid someone else's triggers-that's not healthy. I honestly didn't realize how NOT over it I was until he started wearing it a lot around me and it just made me feel that way.
Am i being 100% unreasonable feeling hurt by his response? Thoughts?
baseball caps are ugly and I don't understand how someone could want to wear one so bad. There is no way he's reacting this way out of love for hats.
Gabriel Sullivan
OP here I think he is reacting so strongly because he feels like I am trying to control him/boss him around.
Im not. Like I dont care if he wears the hat at work- I just wanted to tell him how it made me feel. And the response was just scary & made me feel terrible for even telling him.
He told me today that maybe I shouldn't wear a certain color because it reminds him of a girl in elementary school who was a bully.
It just feels like he is not hearing me, which hurts.
Or maybe I'm just a weeny little attention seeker who knows :D
Nathan Jackson
I feel like you should mention how exactly you told him the hat bothered you, because that reaction doesn't seem normal.
Caleb Evans
OP again: Plus hats keep the hair out of his eyes. He has beautiful long hair that I love but it gets in his face and annoys him in the breeze. So its his comfort, not a fashion statement.
Jonathan Morgan
Honestly I only remember telling him what I wrote. That it bothers me when he wears the hat bc it reminds me of the guy who was bad to me. I could ask him but I dont remember saying much more b4 he got upset.
Elijah Allen
You both suck to be honest. Making an ultimatum out of it was a bit of a dick move, but throwing it back in your face like that is worse. What should have happened is y'all should have worked out a gameplan for helping you get over it.
Then again though, you're together for five years without getting married so that makes you codependent losers that are wasting each other's time. Either properly commit by putting an actual ring on it or pack your shit and leave.
Austin Torres
Thank you for your response.
Assuming we were married, what would be your "game plan" for this scenario? I appreciate your time.
Ayden Anderson
OP again: Im just wondering what the right thing to do was? Not tell him about it even though it was bothering me? Tell him about it but not ask him to wear a dif kind of hat? I'm sorry if its a stupid question but i just honestly dont know what a healthy thing would have been to do.
Connor James
>hey can you stop wearing that hat? I was sexually assaulted and have trauma that deals with that hat >no because i value my hat over your feelings It sounds like he thinks you are either lying to make him stop the hat or overstating your feelings because you have more issues with the hat than your trauma. Also why cant he wear the hat at work? You arent there and thats the only reason he cant wear it.
Andrew Peterson
>Am i being 100% unreasonable feeling hurt by his response? I'd say you're being unreasonable about hats in the first place.
Brayden Brooks
Exactly I have zero issues with him wearing the hat at work- i didnt realize he wasnt until he brought ut up today.its only when I'm around that it bothers me because my brain is the problem!!
Hes presently not wearing a hat at work because he threw his hat out the window.im not sure why he has not bought himself another to wear at work.
Maybe I am overstating my feelings. I know how it makes me feel but maybe I need to like repeat in my head that Im safe and its just a hat. Or something Idk. Maybe i could try different things to change how my brain reacts to triggers. I just thought he would be a safe place to explore a plan like that with (saying something in my head to change my brain or sthng).
Owen Butler
And again I know Im being unreasonable about hats in the first place. It just hurts me how he responded & Im wondering if Im being unreasonable about that part too.
Blake Sullivan
Its a fucking hat. You're not unreasonable for being hurt. You're unreasonable according to him because you are focusing on the hat he's wearing instead of him.
Nathan Ward
"focusing on the hat he's wearing instead of him"
That perspective is what i need. What I focus on is something i can change/have control over. Thats really helpful. Thanks. I wish i could have heard this before everything exploded. :/
Lucas Anderson
It's always interesting to see a woman acknowledge that her feelings on something are completely unreasonable, right before she goes on to complain about someone who won't accomodate the previously acknowledged unreasonable feelings. That said, I will say that you can't help how you feel and sometimes when people get fucked up by stuff it causes a weird trigger. In a perfect world, your boyfriend would be willing to sacrafice his desire to wear hats around you for your wellbeing, though I suppose in a perfect world you wouldn't have been raped by some hat-wearing asshole. That said, we don't live in a perfect world so we have to deal with reality. The reality is you need your boyfriend to stop wearing hats around you, and he isn't willing to do it, whether it's because he generally doesn't gaf or you've tried to control him one to many times and this is where he's drawing the line. It's up to you where to go from here. I just say if there's any way you can work this out without him coddling you, say by seeing a therapist or writing poetry or prayer or whatever, try that.
Ethan Flores
Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.
At this point should I apologize for asking him to do something unreasonable (not wear a hat bc it bothers me)? Because it still would bother me to be around it. Like is it ok to just stuff my feelings/gaslight myself? To be honest it still bothers me that he has never apologized for yelling at me in the car & throwing the hat out the window. Like he doesn't see his actions as anything but "giving you what you want". Is it ok to apologize & just be ok with his actions? I dont want to be telling him that its ok to act how he did & that Im cool with his actions towards me. Cuz I feel so disrespected and unheard by how he acted. Do you know what I mean?
Wyatt Sullivan
I don't think you were in the wrong here, OP. (I don't know how exactly what you told him, so maybe the way you phrased it was a factor, but regardless.) You do recognize your aversion towards baseball hats as irrational, and that's great because it means you will be able to work on it. His response, I believe, should have been to help you overcome that trauma. His reaction seems, from your description, very unreasonable and hot-headed. As some user before me said, he should have worn it at work but not around you while you both tried to overcome that aversion toward hats. You should explain to him that you know your aversion is irrational and that you want to overcome it, but you need his help and would appreciate if he just didn't wear the hat around you while you worked on it. Maybe you both could visit a psychologist together (if money allows) to help the process.
Sebastian Reed
>What I focus on is something i can change/have control over. And that would be your gir- i mean boyfriend? Man. I don't even know what to say now. But you're welcome I guess?
Mason Moore
Lol no- i can work on controlling what i focus on (because i forget- what i choose to focus on is within my control). So focusing on my bf instead of the hat. Telling myself to look at him instead of the hat. Trying NOT to control my bf- cuz thats silly & not the goal here :p i need to change how my brain reacts to hats.
Bentley Jackson
Also, I forgot to include, you should explain how his reaction hurt you. Not with the intent of winning an argument, you know, but in the hope of him realizing (not necessarily admitting, but realizing to himself) how his reaction was irresponsible and disrespectful, and overall not what anyone would expect from a 5 yr partner.
Leo Baker
Do you go to therapy? Avoiding your triggers isn’t even a good coping mechanism because it’s unrealistic in the long term. Consistent exposure in a safe enviroment with a safe person you love and trust is better, so in some ways your boyfriend is doing you a favour by wearing one. Basically you have to retrain your brain to associate the cap with things other than the abuse.
Liam Sullivan
Thank you you are very correct re:exposure. I am beginning to think that what bothered me so much is that the exposure + me bringing it up ended up = a scary yelling situation. Which makes things feel worse.
I am lookingg for a low cost therapist right now as I know that avoidance of "triggers" is not a long term solution. I just wish he could have talked with me about it instead of reacting how he did. It just felt so bad and he sees himself as being a good person by doing what he did (throwing hat out the window) and resents me. I just feel so shitty about it all. Like i realize its my fault but at the time it seemed unhealthy to not say anything bc i always feel i shoupd b able ti tell him anything.
Jose Campbell
Apply to reason, and logic.
Let him know that you don't mind him wearing his hats at work (you didn't mention anywhere that you explicitly told him to not wear them at work, so that seems to be on him), but that you would be very grateful if he would not wear them around you.
Let him know that your relationship is more important than this argument. Let him know you love him. Talk about reaching a compromise (such as the one you mentioned at the end of your post).
You guys need to look at the big picture and move forward.
He is choosing to be immature (not that you're without fault), so you are not unreasonable to feel hurt.
It is unreasonable, however, to allow this to destabilize your relationship, so get on top of it and put the work in on your end to make it work.
Ryder Anderson
You're also focusing on abuse that happened x many years ago with some faggot kid that isn't even relevant anymore instead of the 5 year relationship you have with your boyfriend. To him, you essentially spat on those 5 years by saying "I'm still hung up on my abuse, so adjust your behavior accordingly". It's an indictator of an abusive partner to nitpick the clothing choice of one's SO like you did, so it really comes off like instead of overcoming your abuse as a victim you're choosing to become a different type of abuser instead as a result.
The best thing you could possibly do rn for him is to buy him a new hat like his old one then give it to him and apologize, saying that the hat isn't worth the relationship you've held over the years. That is, if you're actually sorry and willing to mature and move on from this incident instead of wallowing in the past.
Next time, talk to other people before you go tell someone to correct their personal choices to see if it's a good idea or not. It'd be one thing if the situation was like an actual social taboo (ex, him wearing shirts with holes and getting ridiculed for it but he doesn't get that it's the shirts,) but that's not the case here.
>recognizes the problem lies within yourself >continues to project that problem onto others
Parker Martinez
Thank you guys. I think i will buy him a hat to wear at work.
I am always so scared that i'm being a pushover & letting people walk all over me. So its helpful to hear that i can and should apologize and try to move on.
Also very good and uncomfortable point about nitpicking clothing. Food for thought, thank you.
Jayden Sanders
No problem, it's not always that the OP actually listens so I appreciate you for that. I believe you're making better choices now and I hope everything goes the best for you.
