My 32 year old son Jeremy lives at home, with his mother and I. I want my son to move out, get a place of his own...

Tell him he has to go. Find him an apartment and pay the first couple of months rent in advance. Help him move his stuff or buy new furniture. And then, on an announced-well-in-advance date, change the locks on your door

These are correct. It’a amazing what even the most pathetic human can achieve with a fire under their ass. Your son didn’t do his GED because of how cushioned you let him be about it. Absolutely destroying your body to make more than minimum wage or working 3 minimum wage jobs so you can afford to pay rent on your flea infested basement suite you share with a heroin user AND still have money left for ramen may make him reconsider finishing his GED. That is hyperbole of the conditions he will live in. But you get the idea. The reality is nobody is really starving to death on the streets in america unless there are mentally ill and/or hardcore drug users. Your son will be fine, just not comfortable.

You must have the patience of a saint. I would have kicked him out years ago.

DOes he have mental illnesses? Kinda sounds like he does.
Also stop enabling him, he can walk or take the bus if he doesn't have gas money. Do it as non confrontationally and without justifying as you can or he will chimp out.

We've kicked him out for like a day at a time like half a dozen times, but never permanently. I always give in because my wife is fretting: "Where is he?" "What's happening to him?"

One time my wife said "I think Jeremy's just gonna be with us forever"

This is a joke right...

Assuming this is real. Kick him out. Immediately. The fact that you did not do this by 20 is insane.

People get very motivated to work when they have to sleep on the street or else.

"Necessity is the mother of all teachers"

My wife and I are worried about what's going to happen to him if he doesn't have a place to go or doesn't have full time job.

I've kicked him out before but I let him back in soon after because my wife is worried sick.

Well the kids is a failure because you two are pussies.

The longer you do what you're doing the worse it will get.

I had to move out and get a job at 22. It was a very hard and miserable time. But today I'm very glad I went through it. I had to see how the world worked.

We're in the best economy in US history. Your kid can show up at a construction site and make $15/hr. If he can't use his hands and feet to make money, the kid is fucking worthless.

You either cut the cord now or this will only get worse.

Tell him he has to start paying for rent of his bedroom door. Stay and help out . Privacy isn't free.

I've been researching jobs for him and nothing pays well enough for him to be able to afford a place to live.

What state are you in?

Even in wealthy areas there are places where he can rent a room for $500 a month. Add in a car and some utilities, let's say he's at $1000 a month. Let's say $1,200 a month just to be safe.

This kid can't earn $1,200 a month? Get real.

Maryland. Rent is twelve hundred a month for a one bedroom.

Okay well I've posted before in this thread, but I'll give you some final advice.

This kid needs to move out. Fast. He's in a shell of comfy protection and is nowhere near where he needs to be as a man. To become a man, a boy must go through struggle, sacrifice, and competition. This kid has done none.

Give him 30 days to find a job and move out. Tell him construction, contractors, restuarants, uber, delivery companies, and warehouses all hire people practically on the spot. If he does not have a car, give him yours to drive so he can get the job. He also needs to use craigslist or something to find a new place to live.

In 30 days he'll be out of the house.

At the end of that, put his stuff on the curb and lock him out.

If you don't have the guts for tough love you're gonna cripple your son for life.

He'll hate you for a year or two, then in 5 years he'll be sharing a beer with you and praising you for your decision. That's parenting.

>1br

yeah for a one bedroom apartment, that's a complete fucking rip off.

There's rooms for rent, basements for rent, roommate share, etc...

Plenty of ways for him to live for like $500-$600 a month.

Here's my advice as a parent.

Take him to a psychiatrist, at first. With the state of his person, his room, his lack of motivation and lack of accomplishment and lack of desire to move forward, I'm guessing there's a mental illness that is causing all of this. Things like depression usually manifest as a lack of hope, desire, motivation, energy, and focus.

You could kick him out, but it takes time and work and money to start out on your own, and it seems like he doesn't have a base to fall back on. You count front him the money to leave to make sure he gets a place, but with the way he currently is, he's not gonna be able to keep it.

He needs help. Even if it seems like he's just being lazy, a laziness that pervasive speaks to an inability to function, instead of just a desire not to. To me it makes more sense to find the root cause and get him some support. It makes financial sense in the long term since getting him able to support himself means you won't have to support him. It makes logistical sense because if he becomes able to function, he'll be able to maintain things like a job and an apartment. And he'll also develop the motivation to start to make progress on his own.

I feel like if you kick him out at this stage, he'd just end up homeless because on an inability to manage his life. He already can't manage it even with you guys. You could throw him in the deep end and pray that he swims when he has shown no evidence of it, or look for a root cause and give him a fighting chance.

If you get him help and he willfully refuses to accept it, or do anything, or manage any treatment, then by all means, light a fire under his ass until he does.

If he’s already 32 and he hasn’t left yet, he’s not going to leave. You need to just toughen up and not allow him into your house. Throw out his stuff if he refuses and just do whatever it takes to get him out.

That's just rent though. Consider gas, power, laundry, food, car-- or whatever other payments a single person will have. You must not be living on your own if you think one person can make it with all the monthly payments he needs to make. I work full time and still don't have enough to comfortably leave. I could do it, but I'd be eating ramen noodles every night. Hell, I have to help my parents with their fucking payments

Import a 3rd world wife for him who will work 40 hours a week and provide for the both of them

Lol you think Jeremy is pathetic, look at you :0

You are spineless letting an oaf mooch off you for over a decade. Grow a spine. I pity none of you

>bait thread

How much do you make and what do you do?

Gotta be cruel. If parents don't teach their kids that the world ain't having their shit, then the world will do it and it is by and far the less preferable teacher.

Where the hell do you people live where you can live off of 500-600 bucks a month? Where I live, a shack that even a homeless person would be ashamed to live in is a grand a month, easy.

I'm not sure you boomers understand this but I'll try to put it in as simple of English as I can. Homeowners and Real Estate developers do not want poor Americans in their homes, white or otherwise. They want retirees, families whose kids have moved out, and foreign investors looking to get out of shitholes like China and Hong Kong that want somewhere to live that isn't a blasted hellscape. What they are absolutely not selling homes for is to help poor Americans better their condition. Those homes no longer exist. We've been priced completely out of the market.

sup op

just some things to keep in mind
it sounds like your son has deep rooted shame
he was probably bullied or experienced significant trauma
like the hoarding dishes thing
i do it too because my parents shamed me every time i bought a plate down from my bedroom
so i just started bringing them down in larger numbers
preferably at night so nobody sees
if you kick him out
he will lose his current emotional support network
being kicked out of the house will hurt him and likely send his shame on a spiral
as others have commented it isnt easy to make enough money to be self sustaining at the moment

dont be shocked if he ends up dead

My brother is a high school drop out that makes $16 an hour 40 hours a week being a mechanic, they basically train you.

$16 an hour, 40 hours a week still comes out to about $1500 a month after taxes screw your paycheck. If you have to spend two thirds of that on rent, that doesn't leave you with much for power/water/sewer/trash/food.

That would be $2560 a month pre-deductions. Where do you live that they would take away $1000 (40%)?

meme him into watching jordan peterson or better yet have him join a peterson discord and we will set him straight.

>Americans literally let their progeny die on streets.

kys

I -make- $17 an hour, 40 hours a week in Washington and get about $1650 after taxes all told so I just scaled down a bit from there and made a rough estimate.

Here's the thing. There are a lot of taxes now! You have to pay into Social Security, pay your income tax (Sometimes federal AND state, though we don't have a state one here), property tax (If applicable), Medicare tax (Separate from Social Security), WA State Workers Compensation Tax... it goes on and on. I get my pay stubs and checks in paper every week just so that I can check deductions and keep a physical copy for my records - I lose damn near an entire grand a month to taxes. The list of deductions on every pay stub is seven or eight taxes long. You don't actually get to keep all of that money you work for, and if you worked for a living you should know this.

This is the only meaningful answer in whole thread.
>psychiatrist
this is the only thing which baffles me because i doubt that any pills will be able to fix the cause root which might be nothing worth to fight for or apathy. pills usually just stops in tracks as in you dont desire to kill yourself.

If i was OP's son i wouldn't squander my time. Those 19 - 30 years are the best year to save money when you're living with your parents.

You should move to Nevada. No local or state income taxes there.

There are probably a lot of places I should move, user. Flyovers, rust belt cities, somewhere rural or something - anywhere with a lower cost of living. I get it. Its just... well, its beautiful up here. Everything is green, the air is clean, the water is clean, the cities are new and vibrant (Mostly, Seattle and Olympia are still pretty cancerous) and you can find mountains, rivers, forests and beaches just by picking one of the four cardinal directions and going that way 'till you find what you want.

I know its an uphill battle living up here, because they'd rather sell all of these empty homes to Chinese tourists. Thing is, my parents fought hard to retire up here and I'd like to live up here, too. There -are- buisness opportunities, between the tech and aircraft industries and the state apparatus that keeps all of these things pristine and green. I can find, keep and excel at a job here.

I just wish the people who owned homes, apartments or even tiny shacks up here were even slightly interested in selling to a lower-middle class working white guy like me. They just aren't. They hear that I'm only 27 and I live off of my stable income and they don't want me moving in, because they want people who are 60 and have six figures in savings. Because they think that that's what their property is worth. All property here is worth. And they won't accept anything less.

But if I work my ass off like my parents did, then I deserve to carve out a little piece of America for myself in whichever state I choose. That's the social contract we're all slaving under, right? I'm not a NEET, nor a mooch on the system. I work for a living. Don't I (Eventually) earn it? What do I have to do other than investment banking to earn myself a little bit of Washington?

what do you do for a living?

Locksmith. I’ve posted in a few threads about this before. I’m mostly in it for certification that I can use to get into the local electricians union, who offer better pay and benefits ( including pension!) which most career workers up here can only dream fondly of now. Problem is, even the big firms like Boeing and Microsoft up here no longer offer salaries for new workers above $22 an hour or so. The guys who have higher salaries grandfathered in still get to keep them, but the new guys mostly fight for what extra benefits they can get after tipping out salary. These companies know that they only have to pay us a competitive wage, not a living one. But you do the best you can.

A lot of people have bad experiences with medication, because unfortunately medication takes time and work and trial and error in order to make work. The brain is an incredibly complicated organ and we're still figuring things out. Something like 90% of people who take medication do not end up on the same medication they started with. Technology is improving to the point that we're starting to develop genetic testing to determine what medications are most effective, but until those are cheap and available everywhere most doctors have no option but to guess which one is most likely to work. It's an educated guess but it's still a guess. The patient tries the medication, and comes back saying it works, it doesn't, or it works but has too many bad size effects (like the emotionally dead "zombie effect"). The doctor then changes the medication.

People who are zombiefied on their medication are on the wrong one. They either need to talk to their doctor to change it or they need a new doctor who is willing to work with them.

So medication is rough when you start. I won't lie about that. However, the correct medication is practically magic. Your brain and body function as it is supposed to. You have energy, you have focus, you have control over something you have been fighting to manage for years.

Some people need to stay on medication. But another option is to try it for a period of time. The correct medication can also be used as a kick in the butt, giving you the power to change your life for the better. Then, as life changes for the better, you wean yourself off when you don't need it anymore. I used to be on medication and now I've gotten to a point where I can do well without it because of the changes I have made to my life and my work.

>I used to be on medication and now I've gotten to a point where I can do well without it because of the changes I have made to my life and my work.
How did it work on you?

I was on ADHD medication. It worked, I just stopped taking it after a while. Side effects were overfocusing and being almost manic when I had too high of a dose, and also things like loss of appetite, but absolutely everybody said that it made a world of a difference, even when I didn't personally notice it much. Brains are funny like that, it's hard to have perspective on yourself when you take medication, so it's very important to have someone who can help monitor you.

Honestly I got off of the medication too early, I think. My life would have been easier if I had stayed on it for a little longer as I sorted out my alternative strategies.

Now I manage it through habits. I have a specific setup that allows me to work just fine. My productivity plummets if I lose the setup, though. It's not like my ADHD just "went away", I just have more control over it now. Sometimes I wonder if it would be good for me to get back on medication, but for the moment at least I am managing fine.

what pills were they giving you for adhd

i take modafinil as an anti depressant and wakefulness promoter
worked way better than shitty ssris

I tried a few that I can't recall (this was years ago and I was pretty young), but I ended up on Concerta.

And yeah, honestly I don't like SSRIs, either. They can have a lot of nasty side effects and there's a lot better options available now. Still good to have as an option, but not my preferred first choice.

I take Mirtazapine and Latuda for depression. I also have Ativan as needed for anxiety.

oof mirtazipine is fucking nasty

right ritalin ok
you might want to try modafinil
its shown some effectiveness in adhd
its also not as gnarly as ritalin or adderall

I'll keep it in mind, thanks

Mirtazapine has worked well for me. I'm not happy per se, but I'm stable on it. What don't you like about it?

first time i took 15mg i slept for 18 hours
even after 2 months i would sleep 10-12 hours and feel groggy and shit the next day
also made me gain weight
and also vomit

lol I take two 45mg tablets of it at bed, and an 80mg Latuda with dinner.

you can get into an electricians union with being a locksmith as your trade

Yeah, you absolutely can. The biggest hurdle standing in your way is that to get certification, at least in the Washington State union, you have to have a certain number of hours on the job with low and high voltage jobs under someone that is already certified, or an apprenticeship with same. Its sort of a chicken-and-the-egg situation, since you're probably not going to get hours on a job site working, for example, Low Voltage Camera Installations, if you're unemployed or not working a hands-on sort of trade. Locksmith is as good a place as any to get electrician certs though, since you do a lot of cameras, alarm keypads, fire alarm bars and other such stuff. Easy way to get the experience without all the fuss of an unpaid internship.

would you say it's a better route to learn a trade these days than to go to college?

>People get very motivated to work when they have to sleep on the street or else.

This is a joke, right?

Fuck you.

Tough call. Its true that the market has been inundated with useless degrees and even useful degrees, and that there are simply too many overqualified folks out there doing nothing jobs.

Its also true that wages simply don't go up for people in the trades. When I said before that new guys top out their salaries and seek benefits, it was from experience. I work with my brother and a lot of my friends at this point (Locksmithing being a bit of a Good Old Boys club that hires heavily on references, since the most important thing is being trustworthy, everything else can be trained) and we talk. I know what my fellow locksmiths make, and everyone tops out around the same area. The age of really making what you're worth are gone, though you can always leverage extra certification or skills for an extra buck or two. Your employers are likely to know what they can pay you and stick to that general area.

Having said that... getting into the trades has been a pretty good experience for me. It got me out of the house and into public, improved my personal skills, and there's something to be said for a decent job. Plus, I mean... people ask me what I do for a living and I get to reply "I'm a LOCKSMITH." and puff my chest out with pride because I do actually know things. Anyone in a trade, people who really -work- for a living, are taught skills that somehow, some way, legitimately makes them more useful in any SHTF situation. I can get you into any store, any safe, any car that you want and I can do it quickly and quietly and that makes me useful. To be honest, it also makes you feel a little bad ass. I imagine the guys who can build a house with their own two hands or bind a major injury get the same feeling - you're DOING something. The corporate suits might make more than you, but you have a skill that nobody can ever take away.

(cont'd.)

TL;DR Yeah, I'd say its worth taking a trade. You can go for a degree and gamble that you're gonna be the one in a hundred in your graduating class that makes 120k by age 30 but if you're a bit more down to earth about your chances it pays to have skills that people will always pay you for.

Since I'm spending so much time posting in this thread about things that are now irrelevant to the OP, I thought I'd make a post for the OP.

Look, OP. You're good people. You're frustrated and rightly so, but you give enough of a shit about your own flesh and blood that you won't let them just go and be homeless, even though there's obviously a problem.

We live in a world where the support mechanisms of community, the church, the nation, the family unit and even just one's fellow man are dissipating or have attached to them some stigma or another. Family is about all a lot of folks in the world have left. Never take it for granted, and don't abandon your kids if you can help it, even if they are thankless adults. You're all they've got, they're all you've got. Find a way to work it out, because nobody else cares, and now we don't even have many people whose job it is to pretend to.

You could try hooking your kids up with a business opportunity or some experience on the job if you're in a position to. Nepotism never hurt anyone's chances. But really, they're going to have to work this one out on their own. The best you can do is not look down on them for it.