My husband died 6 weeks ago in a car crash. In this time I've gotten blackout drunk 5 times...

My husband died 6 weeks ago in a car crash. In this time I've gotten blackout drunk 5 times, gotten back in touch with my dealer, fell back into the drugs I used to do and become a particularly aggressive driver.
I feel like I'm falling apart without him, hard and fast. Been staring at my shotgun a bit more often than normal.
I don't know exactly what I want from this. Ask me about him, insult me, start a conversation, idfk.
Im 23 btw, he is 21. We were married for 2 years, were high school sweethearts. He made me want to become a better person.

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Go spend some time with your parents. They're worried about you.

Why do you not have faith in your own strength?

Are you a woman or a man? Genuine question btw.

Maybe I will... the problem is that they act as if it didn't happen, they're distant. I think they don't know how to act so they don't act at all, their uncomfortableness is palpable. I just want to talk about him and cherish his time in this world and with me but they slightly cringe and change the topic.
Me and my parents aren't really close as you can see.

What do you think? Do I speak like a homo?

What strength? I was a mess from the start. He was the strong one. I have nothing to live for anymore. I don't know why but a week after he died I did a home pregnancy test. That was the most excited and motivated I felt in all this time... at least I would have something of his in my life, but no, he's gone. I still can't believe it... I still wait for him to somehow come through the front door as if nothing happened and all of this was a sick joke.

I think you should look into counseling. Grief is a murderous, insidious thing and we are never, ever properly told by the non-grieving just what kind of pain it leaves, inflicts, the things it takes...
Grief is powerful, mighty, and all-consuming. Don't underestimate it, OP, go and get professional help.
>T. still not really doing well against grief

Christfag here. I've lost some people very close to me and I like to think that I'll see them again someday. Even though they arnt physically present with me, I try to live in a way that would have made them proud, and to live in a way so that if I ever do see them again, I don't have to be ashamed of who I've become. Even if you don't believe in God or an afterlife, sometimes we can still benefit by acting as if they are real. The worst that can happen is that you feel more motivated to be better and you honor his memory by continuing on the good path he set you on.

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds very painful.
How is your support system? It's good that you're reaching out and opening yourself up here a bit. I strongly advise that you also do this in person, with people you trust.

Can I ask what 23 yo woman owns a fucking shotgun? (not trying to be a cunt, I’m genuinely interested how/why tf did you get it)

it's gon be aight
time really helps you
what drugs are you doing? don't do stupid benzo/alchy combos

F
i think you should just try to live in a way that would make him proud. i doubt he would want you to engage in self destructive behavior, but i didnt know him so you be the judge of that

Why the fuck would ANYONE not own a shotgun?

because the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed

I am sorry user, i dont think i can help you. You are experiencing something that is so beyond me i cant even properly empathise.

You were loved. You had somebody that was there for you and made you better when you were low. Please cherish that. I understand that you feel like he is lost, he might not leave through a kid through you but he lives in your memories and your life.

He made you better, please please dont throw that away.

I am sorry i cant help, i genuinely am.

See You need to speak with a professional about your grief. There's nothing wrong with you, but you're going through something incredibly difficult and need a constructive outlet.

I might once I change insurance plans lmao. My insurance is total shit, just covers emergency.

I used to not give it too much thought but now I do... the thought that he still lives on somewhere or watches me from afar is comforting...

Thank you for the support. My support group isn't very good at the moment. My friends don't... they just don't understand, they're getting distant (maybe because they don't know how to deal with this?). My older family members give me cliché advice ("it will pass" etc.)... I joined a group for widows, but there are mainly only women over 50. There is one man in his 50s at best. No one under 30... I just feel like the odd one out...

Because GUNS. Jk I just love guns and etc. in general. Me and him have this pretty big gun and knives collection. Anything utilitarian too. He loves survivalist stuff like knives, tactical pens/tools, etc.

you might enjoy Maison Ikoku

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I guess it does. I usually take acid, ecstasy, poppers sometimes, I just started heroin too after his death, and that's how I know I'm off into a bad direction.

He helped me slowly become a better person... I guess that progress is all in the trash now, but he made me want to become a better version of myself. I don't know how I'm going to do this without him, it hurts, every single second hurts.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't even try to get better without him. I just miss him. I just want to see him again, but I can't. I don't have any motivation anymore. If anything it's just a gateway between a less sucky time and a way to see him again (lsd makes me see him sometimes now).

Hahahahahahahahahahahahah

ROASTS BTFO

WAAAAAAAAAAAAH MY HUSBAND DIED WAAAAAAAH GIVE ME ATTENTION WAAAAAAAH ILL GIVE YOU NOTHING IN RETURN BECAUSE IM A SELFISH CUNT WHO THROWS ALL THEIR BURDENS ON OTHERS WAAAAAAAH

I'm so glad this happened. You deserved it. I hate every couple on this planet. None of you can keep to yourself you always have to impose. Dumb bitch! Hope you overdose!

I have the biggest smile on my face right now.

Yeah just consult with a witch doctor

Do the right thing and start twerking naked on chaturbate so you pay the world back for wasting its time. Id let you suck my dick but you probly have drug herpes. Ew you are so gross whore!

>the problem is that they act as if it didn't happen, they're distant.
Be that as it may, don't you think it would help to just not be alone right now?

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. That's terrible, no person should have to go through what you're going through. I know you have no desire to keep on going at the moment, but you need to know above all else that you have most of your life ahead of you, and that you still have more hope than most for a good future because of that. Please keep living and trust that over time, you will find meaning again. It's only a cliche because it's the truth.

If I'm being honest though, prepare for a long, dark, and terrible immediate future, and find as much support as you can to be as healthy as you can be while you get through this. That means
- seeing a professional and talking it out with them
- fuck your friends that don't understand and are being distant from you. They are poor people to leave you hanging like that. Your grief must be immense, and if people are judging you or substantially considering their discomfort instead of your pain, they are not good friends.
- Keep close to your family. They may not be exactly what you need right now, but they need to and will become better over time if they're worth a damn because that's what family does. It adapts to each member.
- Keep away from drugs, alcohol, and all of that stuff as much as you can. Exercise as much as you can, sleep as healthily as you can, and take interest in things that you enjoy as an individual. Obviously this won't be part of right now, I have a tough time staying healthy during break ups so I can't imagine how crushed you must feel, but remember these things as goals to return to. Live in a way that would make him proud of you and happy for your future.

There are obvious trolls in this thread, I hope you can easily spot them and realize how retarded they are.

>He made me want to become a better person.

So be the person you wanted to be with him if not for yourself then for his memory. How do you think he would feel about this behavior? You were a fully formed person before you met him, prove this to him and to yourself.

That's what you get for being gay,faggot. Enjoy AIDS

The last thing a grieving person needs is a 100 ep anime to watch. It was a good show for an anime but come on.

Why don't yall just fucking rope already? What are you living for anyway? I at least had something. An amazing husband who understood me and helped me and saw the good in me even when no one else did and I am a fucking addict. What do YOU have? Terrible hygiene that's stinking up your parents' basement walls? Your mom's food slowly rotting on the PC desk? The silent but disappointed look in your parents' eyes whenever they look at you, thinking "where did we go wrong?"
It's truly pathetic that even I get to laugh at you from the position I currently am in, and trust me, I laughed while reading every single word in these posts because they just exude hate and bitterness and also because I honestly just love laughing at fails.
And guess what boys? You're a few of the worst, most pathetic fails on earth.

>loses husband
>starts putting other people's lives in danger, drinks irresponsibly and starts doing drugs all to get attention from people

glad he died. you're fucking scum. prob don't even have a hs diploma. do u?

She asked for insults, whiteknight loser, so she's getting them.

Thanks a lot for your words. It's really really hard to see the light at this moment (especially from so deep in the bottle) but I do agree, I really should. A bit of discomfort shouldn't stop them and me...

He would be crushed. It's so hard though... I don't think he would be able to judge, but the way I know him, he would be steering me in a healthier direction. Everyone is telling me to get better for him but I'm often so angry... how dare he die on me? I was the bad one, why do the good people go first?

Im not a faggot, you mongoloid. Get out of Kindergarten level of reading comprehension, then we can talk.

I have a diploma in economics, and I'm doing this shit doesn't hurt as much as it normally would. Who the fuck would do drugs for attention?? Are you really that thickheaded or was it an accident as a child?

I didn't say I wouldn't reply back, dimwit. Did you even read the full answer?

>but I'm often so angry...

so have you tried grief counseling or therapy to help you learn how to manage those feelings?

>married a bad driver
>calls others dimwit
You have no place throwing insults to intelligence around.

He was 21*

What you said about the pregnancy test made me tear up. I'm sorry that your friends and family aren't the best at consoling people who need it, but there are people out there who are good at it. You should see a therapist, and a good one. Have you looked on psychologytoday.com? You can find some in your area and window shop.

If the woman I loved was suffering like you are and I couldn't do anything about it, I would feel brokenhearted, frustrated, and powerless. Do your best for his sake to try to find happiness again.

Try to reach out to your friends and family and tell them what you need. If they don't listen, then try again, or seek out people who will. I can tell you, if you were my friend, I would do all I could to help you through this grief. There are other people like me out there, you just have to find them.

>he is 21
>Not was

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! Heartbreaking. Of course you're falling apart. You're experiencing a major trauma without support. Ask for help. Therapy, support groups, lean on friends. Right now you need every kind of support you can get.

Hold on to your motivation OP, he would have wanted it. Drugs wont help in the long run, i understand you think they help and they might actually do.

But you should endure and keep on keeping on. Be better for his memory and what he meant to YOU. That will never change, he will always be the man whommade you better. Dont squander it.

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Sorry to hear. Had the same happen at 22. Lost a kid too. It took me a couple years to get normalish. First year is the worst. I fell into booze and pills. Eventually you’ll need to replace the drugs with a healthy hobby.

It gets easier to deal with but not better per say. Weirdly enough atheism helped me accept the rng luck of the universe. Remarried 5 years later and it has been rocky but not bad.