Ex dumped me during the fireworks at an nye party two years ago

Cont.
DO NOT make replacing her a goal. I know you would, but don't do it. It will backfire, leave you frustrated and it will be toxic for you. It hurts, it hurts like a bitch, but you need to control the onset of the pain, you can be lonely with other people, so you don't really need to force yourself to go out. I'm not saying go full stoic, but take a few lessons from stoicism, god knows i couldn't be a stoic. Focus your efforts on yourself, and building that self esteem, through reaching many goals of different sizes or scopes. I guess trying something artistic will be good for you, judging by the amount of songs about heartbreak. Always remember, your number 1 priority is YOU. The women, come after. A large part of that self esteem is linked to wanting someone, and you need to change that.
>three days before NYE acted like everything was fine again and she had forgiven me. Then on NYE at a party we were at she stone cold dumped me
I want to punch your ex. I really do. I do not understand why women pull this shit. Hearing stuff like this, EXPERIENCING stuff like this first hand, brings my blood to a boil and gives me misogynistic thoughts. It's downright evil. You deserve better.

>why?
I'm in my late 20's, living with my parents, studying undergrad, no real career of substance. Haven't really traveled and don't really feel the desire to.

I have one actual, genuine platonic friend that actively wants to spend time with me and even then we maybe have dinner and a few drinks once every couple of months, that's the extent of my social life. I've lost friends that I had before I met my ex, who are now still friends with her, because I'm a total trash person. Nobody I meet at uni wants to friend me, even people I do group work and get along with, probably because I'm 10 years older than most of them.

I'm average looking. My hairline is thinning and starting to recede. I can dress well when I want but haven't since I put on weight and lost my confidence. I used to be skinnyfat and now I've drunk and ate my feelings until I was just regular fat.

I've met maybe three women since my ex I would actually want to be in a relationship with; one is engaged, one is out of my league and I'm too scared to approach her because I look like shit and I'm boring, and the third rejected me in a semi-humiliating way.

I care enough about myself to feel shit about the way I am. I don't care enough about myself to find the courage to do something about it, apparently.

dude you suck

what do you want us to say? seems like you already know exactly how shitty your life is.

Ah okay, user. To me it sounded like you guys were about to break up, then patched things up, then broke up anyway a month later. I can see how what actually happened would leave you devastated.

Well yeah, confirmation that I suck is a good contribution.

Yeah go suck a dick. If u arent taking decent advice at least be useful in some regard.

Thanks for your posts, they are helpful and slightly inspiring to read.

I'm definitely not trying to replace her. That relationship was way more unique than I could believably describe here, it's its own chapter. But I guess I'd like to start a new chapter with someone else, and it's just too depressing to deal with how much I resent myself and the thought of rejection when my spirits are already so low.

I've always wanted to be more social, but social anxiety has always held me back from reaching out to people on a genuine platonic level, despite being socialized well enough to have no trouble with women. I like to be alone, but I don't feel alone anymore, I feel isolated. Not a single person has reached out to me over christmas or new years to wish me well, I haven't been invited anywhere by anyone other than my bestie in a year or more. I feel like I'm going to be undesirable to any woman I could meet simply for being a friendless isolated loser. I'm tired of that.

I'm going to try and start at the gym. I constantly put it off out of fear though. And now I'm putting it off because of all the new years resolution losers overcrowding the place too. I'm scared and embarrassed, and I don't know why. It all seems overwhelming. I know how to do weight loss but I'm also sick of being a flabby ill defined sack of shit; I'd actually like to work out enough to be physically desirable to a woman for a change.

Find some meaning in life and cut the attachment to this girl who doesn’t exist anymore.

>cut the attachment
How tho? I've tried so damn hard. I've even tried therapy. Just when I think shits starting to fade it comes back and sucker-punches me.

We have all been in that ship (at least the ones who sympathies with you). We know very well how hard it is. Do you have someone in real life to properly talk to? A good friend to go on a night out?

That's what i meant by replacing, not literally replacing, but looking for someone to fill that role in your life. You're too focused on the social aspect. Social growth will come, but it all comes from within, your charisma and self esteem will grow as you improve. You're very hard on yourself, focus on that college, and don't fret about living with your parents. If YOU think you're a loser, 9 times out of 10 SHE will think you're a loser. Stop thinking of yourself as such.

Just my bestie. He was a godsend after the breakup and deliberately hung out with me all the time and let me vent just to make sure I was ok. But he's a busy dude with a demanding career, and girlfriend with kids, all that shit.

He's probably the only person I'm close enough to be vulnerable enough with to discuss this kinda shit, and desu I don't really want to unload it on him because 1) I don't want to lower myself in his esteem by venting how much of a loser I am and 2) I don't want to keep dumping on him as an emotional tampon so much that he starts to pity me or I annoy him.

That's part of why I'm starting to hate feeling isolated. It would have been nice to keep my highschool 'bros' so I had a group to fall back on instead of letting them all drift away in my early 20's.

I dunno, I'm not looking to fulfill anything more than the role of 'girlfriend', and I think after two years of deliberately being single to try and work all my shit out, surely it's time that getting involved with someone isn't the wrong thing?

I'm focused on the social aspect because it's something I've never managed to do. Even the times I've almost had a chance to make new friends, I always manage to blow it. It's hard to not feel alone and broken when every time you try and be social with people you're basically rebuffed, ignored, or let it slip away out of pure anxiety about looking desperate.

University is easy, I don't really need to exert myself, it's just a massive time sink. Living with my parents doesn't necessarily bother *me* (they can afford it, we're in one of the most expensive cities in the world, and I'm independently wealthy anyway so I can always just leave), I just worry about how it will look to potential friends or a woman my age. I already got shit on once a few months ago by people at uni for living with my parents.

I know how to not 'be a loser' around women, that's how I managed to fuck so many thots the last two years. I'm sleazy and charismatic around women in a charming way and have good taste in food and wine and bars, and despite having a borderline average dick I'm good in bed. But there's a difference between 'I can impress a tinder thot into bed' and 'I want to get emotionally involved with this girl long term and I'm afraid she'll think my life is pathetic once we get past the third date'.

Start small. don't compare yourself to other people in terms of results but rather in terms of values. if you really want to compare yourself to your ex in terms of where you currently are in life look to what each of you values and the routines that have turned those values into tangible results.

You may be as much worthless as you perceive yourself as. but that's more a byproduct of the life you lead. Consider what you enjoy about life, and what would make you happy as a solitary individual. Then determine the necessary steps to get there and begin taking them. Slowly, if you need to.

Above all be honest with yourself. outline realistic goals that would make your life one worth living, and know that if you take the right steps that you self-evidently deserve the results of that work. Someone who works out for instance, deserves the athletic body they get in return for that work.

It will be a struggle. It will always be a struggle. But you've got to take your best shot anyway.

>>ex dumped me during the fireworks at an nye party two years ago

Sounds like trauma bonding, you should look into NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).
Other wise keep suffering but dont post here again about it

That what i mean, make your life "not pathetic" in your view first.

>if you really want to compare yourself to your ex in terms of where you currently are in life look to what each of you values and the routines that have turned those values into tangible results

She's a beautiful woman with an extroverted personality, succeeding in an industry which gives her a lot of social status and opportunities to network socially. People like to spend time around her.

I'm a slightly socially awkward engineer that works from home, makes edgy jokes all the time, has no social status outside of the woman I'm dating and how much money I have in the bank. When I try to spend time with people they get awkward when I say something retarded and rarely invite me anywhere again.

It's easy for her to get results because she's in a situation that fosters results. I don't want to be happy as a solitary individual, because I value relationships with people despite having become completely isolated from them socially. I want to have a healthy social life. I want people to want to spend time with me. I want people to remember to invite me to parties, because I'm fun to be around.

I don't know how to be that. And its crushing to watch the beautiful woman that destroyed my confidence continue living her life like I never existed, and still have friends I had before we met want to hang around with her, despite not having spoken to me in years.

>Above all be honest with yourself. outline realistic goals that would make your life one worth living, and know that if you take the right steps that you self-evidently deserve the results of that work. Someone who works out for instance, deserves the athletic body they get in return for that work.

The problem is it's hard to work out what realistic goals are that would make a person less socially isolated. It's fucking hard to make genuine friends in your late 20's, because you've probably missed out on all those dumb bonding experiences you get with people when you're in your late teens and early 20's. It's easy to make acquaintances of circumstance (basically hey we're both lonely losers so let's be lonely losers together) but those relationships feel so hollow and shallow and unsatisfying, and you're easily discarded as soon as a better offer comes along.

I know if I go to the gym for 6 months and lift I'll get a good body. If I go to the bar every night for 6 months I'll still be that slightly antisocial awkward loser that people hang out with once then ghost.

>>shes got on with her life fine almost immediately and is thriving
>>she kept all our mutual friends, still hangs out with them, most of them unfriended me

Why is it always the woman who moves on from a breakup 100% fine?

Seriously. Is there any recorded case of a woman walking away from a breakup more distraught and with their life being shittier than the man's?

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Yeah, when they have kids.

She was dating a new guy after 4 months. At that point I was still crying myself to sleep several times a week and trying to find a therapist.

You're suffering from a very severe case of oneitis OP. I know how much this shit sucks because i'm suffering from it myself. From reading your story mine is luckily not quite as bad as yours but man i know how much it sucks when your brain has, for some reason, identified a specific woman as the one and only for you.

>inb4: 'the one' doesn't exist you retard
No shit sherlock. I've heard this said a million times and my rational brain agrees with it 100%. But still, whenever i think about this one particular girl, whenever i see her, whenever we are having a conversation, my brain wants her like nothing else even though i will never end up in a relationship with her. She is not even the hottest girl i know, but she is exactly what i want in a girl. I've met and dated countless women in my life and none of them light my fire the way she does. I honestly wish she never existed because if i had never met her i would have been better off.

He was dating another woman while still in a relationship with his gf. The reason nothing happened was probably because the other woman ditched op. Faggot got what he deserved.

It's not really oneitis; if I had a single good thing going within the first year after the breakup I probably would have forgotten the whole experience. But I've been shit outta luck with actual proper dating the last 24 months despite having fucked something like 15 girls.

In fact I'm starting to think that I'm having a particularly bad meltdown this week simply because I realized this girl I know that I've been crushing on the last two months is probably out of my league, and I'm too much of a pussy to just risk it and ask her out anyway, and I loathe myself for that.

I was dating another woman while not officially exclusive with a girl that was planning on leaving the country in 4 months that I had signed on to casually date/fuckbuddy that turned into a lot more. The only reason we made it official and went properly exclusive was because she decided not to go overseas to study for several reasons, only one of which was our relationship.

Nothing happened with the other girl because I was up front with her, so she knew she was the 'other woman' and despite levels of temptation that were off the charts and having awkward borderline phonesex one time, neither of us wanted to be the one that caused things to go from 'awkward dinner dates pretending we're just friends' to 'lets have an affair'. She tried several times after I broke it off to start something again but I dropped it.

No dude. Shit like that doesn't happen, if she really loved you it wouldn't have been the end of the relationship. There was someone else in her life.

Jesus christ OP get your shit together you don't need cuddle wuddles you need someone to stomp your shit in. What childhood trauma are you not over that you can't stand a break up?

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OP you can't keep comparing your life to her's. People who are the dumper tend to move on faster from it because they weren't rejected, so their life tend to be intact or can grow since they're not emotional anymore. The one who is dumped takes longer because they were rejected, which causes them to be more hurt than the dumper and can stunt their growth in life or diminish it.

The reason its harder for you to move on because you have a scarcity mindset, believing that she's the only perfect woman in the world. I know it's not that easy to find a better woman but you will eventually, dont know how long it will take but first you got to improve your life. Stop comparing yourself to her, what's the point of doing it if that person threw you away from their life. She's an unimportant character, you're the main one. Improve yourself for you, DON'T do to it to outshine her and start posting all over social media of how great you became. You have to keep reminding yourself that she doesn't want you in her life, so forget about her

Write down a list of 10 things you want from a woman and 10 things you dont want from woman. Keep reading yourself this list every day for you to remember there will be new woman who will fill this role. Go outside everyday to get fresh air and see other people so you dont get stuck in your house dwelling on your negative thoughts. It will take time, but never taking a foot forward will keep you in this same position.

Another thing I forgot to add was to delete social media. Not only is it bad to stalk your ex's "perfect life", but it's also bad to see others life's. People majority of the time will put the perfect times during their life, rarely the negative side. You dont know if that person life's is perfect or bad , but you shouldn't care either way. You can't solve the puzzle with just a few pieces, it will drive you mad and depressed.

When I deleted my ex and social media, I started to feel better later on because I stopped comparing myself to others "perfect lives". It's toxic to use it when you're depressed, especially after a breakup. Shift all the focus to you OP, not to others