Have any other women on this board dealt with a psycho ex-boyfriend?
I broke up with my ex a few months ago; didn't have a big confrontation with him, just stopped talking to him. We were never really all that intimate and there were times when I thought he had no feelings for me. Anyway, he was getting VERY controlling to the point where he would chastise me for every single little thing, gaslight me by implying my beliefs and behaviours were "irrational", very standard narcissistic abuse. When we weren't together he would send me encouraging messages telling me how proud he was of me, but as soon as we were together (especially if we were with his friends) he would immediately start with the insults and put-downs. He tried to mindfuck me all the time in order to keep me mentally attached to him, i.e. I see him as having the "answer" to everything and doubt my own understandings of things. Needless to say this took a huge toll on my emotional well-being from which I'm still recovering, like I don't know what's "true" anymore due to his mindfucking.
My issue is, he's trying to send me messages again and weasel his way back into my life. He's also cyberstalking me; I can't just block him because he's (most likely willfully) oblivious to the fact I don't want him anymore, and if I block him it will set off a firestorm. What I'm afraid of is, every time I try to move on he'll be right there looking to ruin my plans and rake me back in. Like if I start talking to another guy, he will find this guy, befriend this guy, and set him against me; again, this is how narc abusers or sociopaths function.
Has anyone else dealt with someone like this? Any tips?
The thing with stalkers is, if you give them a little attention they won't go away. If you ignore him he will get bored. Just disable social media for a few days, keep your phone off. Find bigger guy to bang in case he shows up at your house
Yeah, it's called grey rocking I think, when you become as interesting as a grey rock. I'm currently doing that ATM.
I'm going to be honest Some of them won't stop
I had one guy stalk me from the time I was 13 until I was 23. I had to call his wife and absolutely wreck his goddamn life to get him to leave me alone He hasn't messaged me in a year, but I'm still shaky/nervous he's going to try again.
Blocking him on everything can help, but they usually just make new accounts.
I'm really sorry, this shit is terrifying and its almost impossible to make it stop
I'm essentially a recluse now, and don't let anyone too close to me
Perhaps this is jumping the gun, but what should I do when I do find someone else? I'm looking to get with a new guy very soon. If I mention it on social media, will it help me against him - like I assert my autonomy against his control - or will it just cause him to go after my new guy? FYI I wouldn't mention the new guy by name.
I'm sorry. My ex is essentially the same way. He has pretty serious control issues which become obvious given that he lives as a human polemic who insults and shit-talks nearly everyone else in his life. He's actually very well-educated and booksmart and frequently uses his knowledge as an excuse to dominate others (a lot of guys do this), which makes it even scarier because you feel as if you have to conform to his demands or else you're the stupid one.
>but they usually just make new accounts. Or, they get their friends to stalk you for them.
Make a new facebook or stay off of social media for a while. DONT MESSAGE HIM!!! If you have to interact keep it short and sweet, yes, no maybe etc. DONT message him first dont give him any interest at all. Make an alt social media and only talk with your friend during this cool down time if needed.
I had a crazy ex bf who when i broke up with him he started threatening to kill himself. I tried calling the cops on him but since he wouldnt admit it to them they had no proof and couldnt do anything. The cops said they would arrest us both if i called again. So i told him i wouldnt see my new bf, but i lied because i wasnt going to let him control my life. He made posts on social media and craigslist to get a new woman saying i was his "fiance" and i cheated on him. Neither of which was true and when i confronted him he said "well it feels like it".
In the end he found out i was seeing the other guy and went into my work calling me names and demanded i go home with him. Left work to calm him down, got home and he pulled out a gun and demanded i tell him everything id done with my new bf.
During our relationship he was extremely controlling. If i ever reached out to friends on fb saying what he was doing he'd read my messages and confront me and tell me to block them and how wrong i was and justify his actions. Constantly called me negative names unless he wanted sex in which he would butter me up. He didnt work, would only clean for sex and rarely cooked. He would get on his video games and talk shit about me to h is friends when i wouldnt put out and would fuck/finger me in my sleep.
In the end he wanted a 3 way with another guy and i wasnt down for it but he kept convincing me saying since i watched this type of porn i truly did want it. He set something up with his friend and the first time i locked myself in the bathroom and started crying. He busted open the door and told me that i couldnt just leave them out there like that, i had to keep going. It failed and they just jerked. The months following he kept convincing me to do it again, that it was just because it was new and we weren't used to it. We tried again it was massively bad but then my ex said it was just because his friend had a smol dick. He then posted me on craigslist to find other guys. Id had enough at that point wasting 6 years of my life and being pressured into other guys i didnt want.
>Like if I start talking to another guy, he will find this guy, befriend this guy, and set him against me He will try to do this to EVERYONE new in your life. Trust me. If you make a new friend (not romantic) he will try to butter up the new friend and set the friend against you. If you get a new job, he will find out where you work, spill a lot of tea about you to your new boss, and try to get you fired.
There is no escaping him unless you cut him off immediately. Crazy exs will never let you have the last laugh.
God I fucking hate this
Emotionally retarded narcissists. They tend to be very good at insulting you in a way that makes it seem like if you keep disagreeing with them, you're mentally deficit. Fucking asses.
Blows my goddamn mind how so many guys on here don't understand why women are wary/ghost/nervous of direct confrontation with men.
We should be friends. Do you have discord?
OH MY GOD THIS My psychopath ex had his new girlfriends harrass me Like how the actual fuck did you convince another woman to come after me
>We should be friends. Do you have discord? Nope.
That super sucks. You should get it
Wow this man sounds like a total monster.
He was so much more than that. He was weird as fuck too, cheated on me with his brother twice. Told me that it wasnt cheating because he didnt want to and his brother pressured him into it.
Grey rocking is incredibly effective. I’ve had to do it myself.
>We should be friends. Do you have Discord?
DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER...
W a t a t
ya. he had some deep childhood issues. They were in their 20's too so they both knew what they were doing. His brother was a bigger manipulator than him too so i can see why he would feel that way but he still had a choice. He never liked to except blame or admit he was wrong.
Thanks. I'm suspecting every action I do on social media will set him off, like if he sees I'm at a club or something he's going to follow me there.
I'm just trying to make friends
Incredible. Avoid that shitshow like the plague.
There’s something spectacularly predatory about your posts. It’s setting off all kinds of alarms. Like a shadow behind you in a dark alley or a lone doll sitting on a rocking chair in a haunted house...
I see myself as pretty intuitive, and this is exactly what I've been suspecting. I won't cut him off though, just grey rock until he gets a life and moves on.
I was getting that too and I've just been lurking
>didn't have a big confrontation with him, just stopped talking to him >I can't just block him because he's (most likely willfully) oblivious to the fact I don't want him anymore, and if I block him it will set off a firestorm I am going to stop you right there, did you even tell this person that you no longer wished to be in a relationship with them? Did you actually break up with them or did you suddenly stop talking to them?
It's a bit messy. We got into a few fights before we stopped talking. I just assumed he understood I was tired of being his footstool and cut off communication with him. A month later he starts trying to talk to me again, I let it slide because I don't want to get into another fight.
Wait it out. The longer you wait the more vicious he will be but after a while he'll find a new victim and forget about you entirely.
well damn my ex wasn't abusive to me but he did cyberstalking for 5 years now. and he got married. and he called me a lot to complain and said he was suicidal when I left and all this other bullshit. Idk what to tell you because he will deny it and keep using other accounts to stalk you and get his friends involved and even contact people you know in real life about you. men are ridiculous.
I say make new private accounts and don't add anyone except people you talk to you and don't know him or you trust. Block him and his friends. Better to delete social media honestly. And just live your life.
Can't you just call the cops for something like this?
Cops seldom believe the women.
I don't understand where guys find other guys who would do this sort of thing? If I asked literally any of my friends to cyberstalk an ex they would tell me to stop being such a bitch and think I'm being weird as fuck.
In North America? Even if you have evidence?
Maybe you shouldn't have dumped him then. Ever thought about that?
cops can't do anything and don't care about crimes that don't payout like drugs. also cops have no sympathy for women. with proof the best she can do is take it to court and get a restraining order so then if he violates it the cops have to come help. but it's literally a piece of paper and can't stop crazy.
He was emotionally abusive. I couldn't take it anymore, I called him out on it once, he denied it, we bickered a few times, we stopped talking. What was I supposed to have done?
So no, you didn't break up with him and he is trying to communicate with you. At this point that is not considered a stalker.
I would be honest that you are sick of his behavior and no longer wish to be in a relationship with him or communicate with him again. If he starts a fight after you are honest block him immediately and never acknowledge anything he says from there on.
The reason being is this does two things; first it allows you to take legal recourse in the future if it is required, because now he fits the legal definition of a stalker. Second, it eliminates the possibility that he may not be a narcissist and instead is someone with a serious mental illness that can mimic certain actions of classic narcissism, because if that is the case people like that will never go away unless they are told to as they are incapable of understanding other people's mindset properly and will never get a hint.
She hasn't told the person she no longer wishes to talk to the person, so legally they can't do anything.
Make sure you save the message and his response too, so it is on record you told him to no longer contact you and that you no longer are in a relationship with him.
Yeah ghosting someone you were technically in a relationship with, regardless of how much of a piece of shit they were, is not a good idea I think. At least tell them it's over. Also, a girl was murdered by her crazy ex who lied about having spent 5 years in prison and all this other stuff after she dumped him. The cops knew about it and didn't do anything.
I'm on the fence about it. Part of me says yes, respond to this guy and tell him that he's hurt me and I don't want to see him anymore. Part of me says no, just keep ghosting him so he gets the idea.
Hey i just got out of a situation like this. My ex was abusive n controlling too. I broke up with him n blocked him on everything. He was calling me from different numbers and different accounts on social media because I blocked his existing ones. This went on for 8months before I told an officer because he threatened me. From experience, you shouldn’t respond. If you do, just make it very brief, like “I’m breaking up with you because ....” and leave the conversation before anything escalates. If he wants closure, that’s what he’s getting. Don’t feel pressured to keep contact with him especially if he treats you like this. If anything happens besides that like he’s threatening you or something, tell an officer. Some are understanding some are not but good luck
I highly recommend that you don’t respond tho. If you do, and if he says something bad, screenshot or record it so you can show an officer. If you have any evidence like that, keep it! Keep dates too, like when you met/how, his demographics because cops ask that. If he’s ever gotten physical or verbally abusive, remember the dates and what he did/how. Please be careful
I have seen this a few times. He persists until girl gives in. He plants baby in girl. They break up again. He puts babies somewhere else. He comes back a changed man and she figures baby needs father. Again and again until she is an unmarried forty year old with five kids and finds an even bigger asshole to be abused by. When the smoke finally clears, she is reunited with same first dude. Why don't you stop struggling against fate?
Bad advice here. I'm just saying.
You do need to block him and you need to tell him that you'll get a restraining order against him for harrasment. Don't let him cow you into thinking you have no options, because you do. They're just the harsh options that need to be the permanent solution, not just a small bandaid over top of the very large problem. Buck up and do what needs to be done before he ruins your life.
Jesus Christ Why would you agree to that
>if I block him it will set off a firestorm
No. Everyone thinks they have some responsibility for the wellbeing of other people no matter how that person behaves and everyone is scared of what some jag off might do. Stop it.
What "firestorm" will be set off if you tell him, clearly and directly, "do not contact me again, any further contact will be reported to the authorities as harassment, I'm blocking you on all services"? Let him get himself worked up and, if he crosses the line, either have him arrested or have a friend/family member give him a kicking. Keep your social life off social media. Give him nothing, no attention, no response, no interaction. Starve him and live your life.
If he's stupid enough to show up at your house call the police and tell them you think you saw a gun in his waistband. You owe him nothing.
Take your social media private or leave your relationship off of it. Prune it so that only trusted individuals can even access your posts.
>Crazy exs will never let you have the last laugh. With men, at least, theres always physical force as a middle-tier resort. My sister's last crazy ex stopped coming around right about when his mother's door got kicked in and he ran out the back to leave his father to take the beating. Its all about finding leverage. Every monster was made by a different monster, make their mistakes the problem of their abusers and it'll sort itself out.
Then don't put that on social media. You don't need to live your life in public. Give it a rest for a few months.
>I let it slide because I don't want to get into another fight. Theres your problem. You need to be direct and plan for the consequences. Remember: you have all of the cards, all he has are threats from a guy who's only way of feeling significant is petty emotional abuse towards someone he sees as weaker. His power depends on your fear.
Why would you respond to that bait? This is exactly how he sucks you in. Crazy exes are like cops: you only talk if your life depends on it and then only until you can get your allies. Beyond that, interaction only benefits them.
He already has the idea and is trying to manipulate you. Take away his power to escalate by escalating first. Give him a clear message, take clear steps, and follow through. Even though cops likely won't do a thing, document the clear messages you've sent. The messages aren't for him, they're to justify the series of escalations you might need in the future. A clear demand of no contact leads to a restraining order leads to a criminal complaint leads to a reasonable fear that you risk death or great bodily harm (a) in the face of a larger assailant (b) who has a demonstrated and well documented disregard for legal consequences (c).
(a) is going to be in the statutes around affirmative defenses in every state in the nation, (b) is going to be what makes your fear reasonable, and (c) is whats going to make the prosecutor decide there isn't a case.
I have no plans to call the cops. He was never physically violent, just mentally abusive as hell.
You should still tell him that you no longer wish to be with him, and that you no longer wish for him to contact you to be safe in case he does escalate. That way if necessary the police can get involved. It also will prevent the stalker situation you want to avoid if he has a few screws loose.
Doesn't matter. A restraining order is as clear a message as one can get, if he escalates from there its on him.
Harassment and aggressive stalking is still illegal. Get a restraining order, why the hell are you still here.
itt: paranoid narcissists
Dimes to dollars this guy has spent time arguing about redistribution of sex.
Good advice. Thanks.
you don't have to be afraid. make him afraid instead. power up. let someone know who you're dealing with. do you even want to cut contact. do you think that's all you deserve? do you think you're not capable of hurting someone? you're just as capable and you should use it. you get the love you think you deserve and you get what you tolerate.
Jesus, where do you guys meet these dudes? Not victim-blaming or anything but I often need a reminder of how crazy this world can be, sometimes