I've been in a weird situation. I love that person, we've been getting to know each other, but his past kinda put me in a hard spot.
I know about the "look at the mirror" thing, but not only i'm young, but also a virgin, looking for a very serious relationship and able to hold one, and my past is clean. The thing is that, i really fucking love him, more than i ever loved anyone, but knowing about his past was a stab to the heart. He was open about it, and he's not scared and he never lied, which is something i admire. But i got to know he fucked a dozen people. One night stands, dated some (which didnt go well and he got cheated on for last), but still, that's alot of people as he's in his mid 20s and i got ultra anxious and hurt knowing that. He truly seems to want a serious relationship and for me to be the last and only, and i believe in that. He suffered too and went through many things which explains his teenager years. But it still annoys me alot and i've been crying bc i don't know what to do. I want to overlook that, he got a nice heart, but it's hard for my values. He suffered and got hurt knowing that i got sad too, we talked alot with him giving me reassurance, but not even his words ease my thoughts and heart.
How to calm down and breath? What do you anons think? I've never been in a situation like that before. The thought that "i want to give him a chance" keeps coming, we click more than anyone ever clicked in this world. But i cant shake that bad feeling away.
Idk I've been with 9 women, I'm 25. All I want right now is a stable, happy, long term commitment. My last girl took off on me. Before that I had a bunch of one night stands. Lost my virginity to a junky girl. It's been a long road of meaningless sexual encounters, heartbreak, etc.
Idk if that helps but it's just my own personal story.
>One night stands What's the thought process of people involved on this? I really feel disgust at the idea of kissing a girl I don't know in a club and I'm not a basement dweller virgin. Think about the first question OP and ask yourself what are the values and worldview of someone like that.
Then make some a personal contact with them (communicate) to clarify what's your inner side and from him/her.Gettin accept him/her good, Gettin refuse,charge it as a lesson.
I had one night stands to get experience, and because they were fun and attractive and easy. Why not? I was horny, they were horny, we banged. It's fun.
I have never cheated on a woman before, though. There are some terrible men out there, but just because I slept with a bunch of girls doesn't necessarily make me a piece of shit who would hurt a girl I'm in love with.
It's pretty hard to figure out who's a piece of shit and who's not, OP. Most people on Jow Forums figure it out by assuming they're shit if they have a history. That's not always the case. You'll have to decide if you want to take that gamble or not.
Reading that, i do wish you find someone that doesn't mind and is able to make you happy. It's a weird feeling. Because that's what i should think too, but it's not easy for a partner to accept sometimes.
What did you think when going through all those encounters, you didnt think about something lasting at the time? How would you act about that when you find someone?
I really don't understand too. I mean, if someone was deluded with life or was a mess in the first place, i kinda "understand" where it comes from, that's the case for my situation i think. Other people just don't think about it until they see they're losing it. But it's something shitty, i don't know how some can't hold themselves, that goes for men and women.
The thing is that, i think his values changed with bad experiences, and i'm someone that think people don't change... What he tells me, the way he opens himself. Also, his last relationship lasted some years.
How to progress in such a communication? We're good at communicating, i never failed before, but in this case i feel like we'll keep looping and never reach an answer at all. He's apparently feeling as bad, we'll talk later.
That's true. And whew, even my own parents had many (romantic) partners before settling. I guess i'm stuck with that idea of wanting someone who didnt fuck a dozen people or dated alot, but i know very well it's as dangerous for the person to be shitty if they never had experiences before and don't know what they want/went through traumas to value something true. Am i wrong in that? I'm very lost.
I don't know. I knew a guy who had like 2 or 3 partners, he hurt a girl he stole from me badly, he dumped her after going out of his way to hook up with her even though we were friends and I was sorta seeing her, he also openly expresses he'd fuck a girl while in relationships. He's not a great dude.
"What did you think when going through all those encounters, you didnt think about something lasting at the time? " No, not really. I was traveling in Europe for some of them, and I knew it wouldn't last. I still keep in contact with one of them every once in a while. If we got together in the future or something I'd probably pursue it, but after I put her on her flight home, I honestly didn't think I'd see or hear from her again.
"How would you act about that when you find someone?"
I'll just be honest and tell them I have a history. I started out using heroin when I was like 17, lost my virginity to a junky at 18, fucked a lot of party girls, went to Europe, fucked some more girls, etc. It was only ever sorta for fun. There were a few girls who I maybe would've gotten into a relationship with along the way, but the timing was off or they weren't interested, or I couldn't trust them and they were also fucking other people...
I once dated a girl for 6 months before I found out she wanted to be "polyamorous" and was sleeping with a bunch of other guys the whole time. Bleh.
The thing is that yes, my mind tells me you're right. It's a weird concept for me to go around having casual fun with others and that's why i'm here in despair. It sounds alien and hurtful for my values.
>I'll just be honest and tell them I have a history This is what stopped me from acting on my anxiety and going away. It's like he said too, "I did that, i can't lie to you and i'll always be honest, if i knew i was going to meet you i'd throw it all away and wait but i can't change it now, it hurts for me too". The honesty to be open and acknowledge it heals the bruise a bit. But i'm still suffering with that for reasons not even i understand.
Both about that guy, or the girl you dated, they're the worse kind of animals i'm scared of, because of the difference between fucking when not in a relationship and acting like that while being in one.
That's gross, your history is gross, and you are a gross person who never considers other people or the future. The phrase "what will my future wife think" never crossed your mind? Not even once?
>it was just fun The only thing /v/ ever got right is that fun is a buzzword.
It's definitely a gamble. He might turn out to be a piece of shit in the end, I don't think there's a definite way to know, but from what he's telling you I don't think he sounds like that type of guy. I mean only a real psychopath type would lie that hard.
My ex who left me a few months ago had a boyfriend for months and she fell in love with him, she introduced him to her parents, the whole 9 yards, until she found out he was engaged the whole time, though. Some people are psychopaths. They're pretty rare though, unless you attract that type of person, and my ex thought I was that type of person. I think maybe when she found out I'm a decent guy she got turned off by it subconsciously. Idk.
That literally does not cross my mind. Most of my peers think I'm a badass for having sex with lots of women. Even the women in my group look at me as more of a man than they did before I started sleeping around. I also get more opportunities with more girls when they find out I get around.
I'll probably end up finding a wife who also has a history, or at least one who's okay with it. Obviously the ones who aren't okay with it aren't going to marry me lol. It is what it is. I'm not going to turn down sex or not pursue attractive women just because some hypothetical girl in the future might get upset.
If she can't get past it, she won't be with me. Maybe that's why my ex left me, although it kinda feels like she left me for the opposite reason, I was too good to her. Her family was too broken, etc. Not that my family isn't, but I think she thought I was something I'm not when she got with me.
Do you suffer from anxiety?
You sound borderline narcissistic.
Why? I don't think I am. I don't think of myself very highly and I try pretty hard not to hurt people. Plus I really do feel bad for people / empathize with peoplet. I've never cheated, I try to be straight up with my intentions going in... I don't really lie to girls about things that matter. Sometimes I'll tell a white lie if I'm insecure about something, but that's because I think I have a little bit of an inferiority complex.
A lot of us have a pretty messed up past but it shouldn't stop you from trying to pursue a real relationship with him. It will take effort and courage on your behalf but if you feel he's the right one for you, I'd leave the past behind you and focus on creating a future with him.
Girl, a dozen fucks by mid twenties is nothing.
My ex bf had slept with well over 120 people by the time he was 23.
A dozen is nothing. That's actually pretty normal.
>That's actually pretty normal. It isn't. People with a little self control don't seek half as many partners as that. Not saying OP shouldn't give a try.
It could have been. I'm still sorry for that experience and that you want through it. I do put some faith in words that keep being said too, despite taking care, because i'm yet to see someone who lies that hard and is a Psycho. At least in that i find solace.
A bit probably
I'm trying to, i felt calmer spending time with him yesterday. Eventually the thoughts of the night he told me that, come to my mind and i overthink, so i hope that goes away.
I don't think it's nothing, what your ex did was something crazy too, because i have my doubts someone like that can keep a relationship, or if no one comes back to their mind
OP I wish you were my friend, you’re a real rare gem these days. I’m in a similar situation, it’s always a gamble. Some people are able to control themselves from the beginning and find enjoyment in more fulfilling and enriching activities, and some rather play with dirt. Some of the latter prefer keeping that way, and some decide to grow up.
His honesty from the start is a huge step and basis to a good relationship. I also had a terrible time accepting it, just ask for patience and try to keep calm. Time will help you work it through.
You'll never accept his past relations. I suggest you to enjoy this relation as a meaningless one, leave him, find a new one with a more acceptable past. So you'll have your past too, and you'll probably accept better your new bf's past.
You don't love him, you love your idea of him. So, dump him after getting as much as you can from this relation. You'll learn how to confront with your next partner, you'll work on your reactions and you'll improve you character. I mean, grow up after this relation. Gain experience.
I thank you for your words, but i'm not too much of a rare gem, just hold too much to values. I agree about the honesty, he seriously lost a night of sleep after opening himself too, due to how i couldn't really hold a smile and show confidence after hearing it in the moment.
Did time help you the best? It's a really harsh feeling i hope could be washed away
Even if i understand where you came from with that, i don't want to have a meaningless past just for me to accept it easier in others, much less play with his or any heart. If i end that it's in the honesty that i can't take it, i wouldn't ever see it as a meaningless time because then i wouldn't get anything from it. I want something true.
The thing about experience tho, isn't there any other way to reach that? Everyone has to go through meaningless relationships just to have enough experience before settling?
With time I understood that at this moment these meaningless women are nothing, and I am the woman in his life right now who didn’t sleep around and is very picky. Life is surprising, even a man with few past partners could be a “worse” partner than a man who had many experiences.
I was virgin when I met my husband. He had a lot of past partners, and was 21. We've been together 10 years. Don't waste your time and his time if it's something you'll resent him over, or if virginity is very important to you.
My husband changed. We talked about it, he was honest about it, and we worked it out. He's a good man and never was a cheater. Wait till you're ready to have sex, don't rush.
I've had one whole other sexual partner besides my partner of seven years. Look, dating people just so you have someone to date is just a different kind of loneliness. You guys have gotta realize that 'compromise' means two people crossing their differences, not just you swallowing all your pride so you have the luxury of not being single.
If it eats at you now, it's not gonna stop later on. It might repress itself a while, but it won't go away.
Not only is there really nothing wrong with the amount of people this person has slept with, but it's something they literally can do nothing about. Love and appreciate them as they are right in front of you, don't let something as trivial as their past partners hold you back from having fun and enjoying your time with them.