Boyfriend watching porn makes me sad

So I'm in a long distance relationship of 2 years, and my boyfriend usually watches porn to get off.

Rationally I know there is nothing wrong with this so why do I feel so shitty about it? Sometimes we touch ourselves while video chatting and I really enjoy that but we haven't done it much recently. I also have sent him many nudes and videos over the course of our relationship but I think he will usually use porn of other people when masutrbating instead even though he has told me that he has used my pictures in the past. I understand that the distance makes it so we can't be involved with each other's sexual activities all the time but I would appreciate some effort instead of just not coming to me anymore and using porn instead.

I'm so inexperienced with this stuff, this is the first relationship for either of us and we were kissless virgins before this. I'm really insecure about our relationship in general which is probably why I feel bad. I'm just very sad and angry at him. I feel like he doesn't like interacting with me anymore and it feels like if I didn't message him or ask to call he never would, including for sexual things. I just don't feel needed or wanted and it's already a very long distance relationship where we only see each other a few weeks a year so I feel as if we might as well not even be dating at this point.

I don't know what to do or how to feel about this or how to fix it. Every time I bring it up with him directly we talk about it but it never changes. He apologizes and then does nothing differently. We also have no plans to live in the same country yet after so long and I've looked into so many options to do it but he hasn't and he hasn't talked with me about it, he's told me a couple times that he'd talk about it "soon".

I feel unappreciated and unneeded and unwanted and stupid for agreeing to this kind of relationship. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

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You’re just not good enough...

Tell him wxactly what you told us. Also learn how to do striptease from videos or stuff.

I've already sent him videos of that. But thank you. I will tell him. I think that I try to soften things with him because I don't want to upset him, when he's upset he just shuts down and doesn't respond positively and says he's shit etc. I've told him that doesn't help and it makes me feel guilty and it's hard to talk through issues that way. He says he will change and he's gotten better but it's not gone completely. I still worry about upsetting him. So I have told him all this very directly but I tried to be nice about it, but it's not getting through so I guess I just have to be harsh.

Tell him again, and again and again.

Dont let him make excuses, just telk him. He needs to listen and he will try to explain it away but dont let him. It starts and ends with him.

Thanks for the advice, I do think I need to assert this more and stay on it. I think that it's so difficult to bring up shit like this in a long distance relationship because I only talk to him for less than two hours maybe every other day recently and so I don't want to spoil the time we have together by bringing this stuff up you know? Like after he comes back from working I feel guilty having a conversation that upsets him for 2 hours, but it needs to be done and it's not necessarily pleasant I guess. Also sometimes it seems easier to communicate over text but in actuality I think it might carry less weight somehow.

But at what point should I give up? At what point should I distance myself just to keep myself from being disappointed by his distance? I just really can't do this forever I want to be with him forever and give him a chance to learn and grow as a person on his own too before we live together but this long distance shit how he treats it now is not going to work for me for much longer. I want to be patient but I don't want to suffer unnecessarily.

Realistically, LDRs just don't work. He probably wants to actually touch you and the fact he cAnt is probably driving him crazy. He probably watched porn since it's different type of sexual activity and he doesn't want to be sad trying to wank off thinking a out how much he is hurting not being close to you.

Your second paragraph is perfect just tell him that. Reword it maybe, be kind but firm. Dont let him disconnect look at his eyes even in video.

This is probably also part of the reason, thanks for saying so user. I agree with you about long distance relationships, it seems like they're just unsustainable for such a long time and I'm not sure what my limit is or if I should give him a time frame and if we're not together by that time then just end it? I'm really not a fan of ultimatums though relationships need compromise. But I know that I can't do this for a third full year.

Unless y'all can actually meet in person, don't hold your breath for it to work. Physical touch is one of the most important parts of a relationship.

Hey OP, I've read through your posts, and I have to talk real with you.

I married my LDR and am living with her now, so I know what I'm talking about.

I know this will be hard to hear but I don't think it's going to work out for you. LDRs are the hardest test of opening up and actually being in love with each other.
There's many red flags I see that makes your relationship stand out as being... an afterthought:
1. You sent him a ton of nudes as self validation
2. You only talk every other day
3. He shuts you out during hard topics
4. He's a very private person, i.e. he doesn't tell you about some things
5. You live in different countries
6. Neither of you have a proper stable career
7. He avoids talking to you about moving in

Listing it out like that together makes it obvious that there's something really wrong here. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but your boyfriend seems uncommitted. He lacks the initiative and drive, and it seems to me he doesn't really want to be with you. Hell, it doesn't seem like he wants to talk to you either. I don't know your circumstances and I know you trust him almost wholeheartedly, but it was probably a mistake to send him so many intimate images, in case your relationship failed.

What country do you and him live in? I know you'd rather keep this private but this is important. Nobody here is going to trace you. I need to know in case there's extra cultural baggage that I'm needlessly worrying about.

Thank you for taking your time with such a detailed reply user.

My boyfriend is British and I'm American. I want to say that I completely understand your concerns. But I also will say that I've been quite negative in this thread and haven't given a full picture of my shortcomings as well.

1) I will say that the nudes started out as just lewd, and only escalated to nudes and videos much later in our relationship. Also, none of them show my face and even if they did I really wouldn't worry about him sharing them with anyone, he is genuinely one of the most moral and trustworthy people I've ever met in my life, even to people who don't necessarily deserve respect he still gives it to them and will always do the right thing by people. It's one of the things I admire about him.

2) As for only talking over the phone every other day, that is a recent development, since we've been back from the last time we were together over Christmas. But I will say that for a few weeks before that he started missing calls more frequently and it seems like he would rather sit and play vidya than talk to me at night after work because I would have to ask him to call and if I didn't then he would regret not having time to talk and going to sleep without calling. We usually talk over video chat every day unless there are extenuating circumstances but every day we text quite a lot throughout the day quite a lot.

3) The shutting me out during hard topics I fully believe is because he has no idea how to talk about difficult things or verbalize issues with people. I have been trying for 2 years to get him to go to therapy to practice opening up and verbalizing things and once again he keeps saying he'll do it but hasn't. It's a pretty big issue for me in our relationship yes.

4) He does tell me about things, it just took him a long time of dating for him to open up to me about some stuff and if I ask he will tell me.

(continued)

5) No getting around that one, it's a really big hurdle.

6) This one is a big challenge too. I can't say I have helped much on my end since graduating 8 months ago though, and this does make my boyfriend really nervous that he'll have to support me his whole life, and I understand that concern and I have promised him that I will get my shit together and I'm currently practicing to get my driver's license and I'm trying to get my life organised by selling my and my parent's clutter for extra money and to get enough space to set up a studio to make work so I can start selling things and showing and working towards either supporting myself as an artist (possibly going to grad school to further that goal) or getting more fabrication experience and maybe moving to LA and getting an actual job with my skills at making things. I actually don't have a concrete plan right now so I'm taking it one step at a time and I'm open to possibilities so obviously it's going to be very difficult for me to find a way to move to a foreign country and support myself currently.

As for commitment, I do believe he really wants this relationship to work more than anything. He has been saying since before we've been dating that he would want to marry me. He tells me he loves me constantly and he says that I'm his best friend and he says he's lucky to have someone like me, and he talk about us having children and living together all the time. He might not have any plans or time frame that we've discussed but he always talks about living together with me and having children one day like it's definitely going to happen. I just don't think he has thought about actually getting there. He mentioned to me once that he heard somewhere that you don't know someone until you've been together for 7 years, but 5 years from now I will really have needed to already started trying for children, I don't want to wait until I'm over 30 that's not an option for me.

(continued)

>why do I feel so shitty about it?
Because of your insecurity. Also, you're in a shit relationship that isn't really a relationship. Seeing someone a few weeks a year is a fantasy, not a relationship. Stop doing this childish LDR bullshit and go see a therapist.

>I don't want to give up on our potential
You need to wake up, OP. You have no potential. You both live thousands of miles apart with no plan on being together in a relationship that he is actively avoiding and is making you feel like shit. There is zero potential. You're in a crippling amount of denial which is exactly why your entire life and well being has come to a screeching halt.

When it comes to talking to me, I know that he wants to but he seems to just prefer to do it over text recently. He was upset the other day and just wanted to text me a lot, no phone calls or video chat, until he fell asleep. I'm not really sure what that means.
Maybe he does lack some initiative and drive? At least in terms of career development and those types of goals, but the same could be said of me. But I'm currently a NEET who sits in my mom's basement waiting for him to call every day while he has a 9 to 5 job and a family that he eats dinner with every night and goes to play MtG with very good friends at least 3 nights a week. His life is more full than mine is so I don't know how to judge it. He just seems very comfortable where he is now though I guess so I don't know if he wants to change that for me, if he would need to that is I literally have no idea how we could go about trying to be together.

Thank you again for all of your comments, they've really made me think and I really value your advice as a person who has been through similar. Knowing all this now, is there any other advice you would give me if I really want to fully commit to trying to make this relationship work? Because I truly do believe I have so much potential with him, and I think it could be really great. I want to try.

(On another note I'm sorry for the stupidly long replies this whole thread, I have been thinking about this a lot recently and haven't been able to let it out.)

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I've seen a lot of therapists over the years but yes you're probably right that it's time to go back. I agree that it's not a real relationship at the moment but does that really mean the only option is to just break up with him? I mean I feel like we can work this out and live together relatively soon if we work together.

I am understanding your point but frankly I do still believe we have potential. I also don't know if my life would be in a better position without this relationship ever having happened, I still wouldn't have any direction at the moment. But I do agree that either there needs to be a plan in place for us to be together or I have to walk away. Also I don't think that he is actively avoiding me. Maybe he's just become complacent and he doesn't think that he could actually lose me if he keeps me waiting in this pseudo relationship state?

>Rationally I know there is nothing wrong with this
This is where you're wrong. Tell him he is a cuckold for watching porn. Porn is literally e-cuckolding.
Can't be fucked to read the rest of the thread so sorry if this is a repeat of what someone else already said.

We all have our own shortcomings. It's how we deal with them that really matters.

My and my wife had an LDR for about 2 years before meeting up in real life, and dating for another 2 years before getting married.
We both lived in the US, but we lived in opposite sides of the country, so it's not unlike your own relationship. I had to relocate for my wife, as she had a job and I was still in school, but there's still plenty of hardships when living together you've know for so long, for the first time. You have to adjust massively to a different lifestyle, even if you're happy to finally be with them. There were times where I genuinely thought it wouldn't work out because of how different we lived, as talking and calling on phone genuinely don't prepare you for how different this person you thought you loved, really was.
When it comes to porn, then I can sympathize with your BF. He might have kinks or fetishes you just can't provide with just nudes. It's about dirty talk and roleplay. Let me know if you have any questions on what to expect.

Back on topic, I think I understand why you're so dead set on making this work and let me tell you right now: IT WILL WORK, but only if BOTH of you want it. It worked for me, and if you're both in agreement, it will work for you.

The US and Britain are very different and very similar in a lot of ways, but I haven't heard any mention of him moving to the US. Have you met in real life? Does he not want to spend the money on flights?

It's great to hear your perspective on this.

We've met up in person many times before, adding up to about 11 weeks. The longest continuous time we've spent together was 16 days and we've definitely had to learn about each other every time we were together and learn to compromise and communicate and solve conflicts. But because we've also traveled together and experienced sickness together I can say that we've seen each other at our most stressed out and our weakest and most vulnerable, and we've been able to take care of each other in those times and help find solutions in those times, so I also feel positive about living with him because we do have some practice.

Yes the flights are definitely expensive (around $600) but he pays for his own and will and has paid a lot to see me. Mostly because he only books about a month in advance usually because he doesn't know when he'll have off too much in advance. So yes he spends quite a bit to see me but he has assured me many times that it's not a toll on him financially and he makes enough and he's still saving up the amount he wants to.

I think the main reason why I haven't mentioned him moving here is because of his job and his nice family and great friends he has there. He has way more ties to where he is than I do here so logistically it would be much easier for me to move than for him to move. But legally it is quite difficult for an American to get the right to stay there even if I were to marry him apparently. The only people who usually do it are people who work for international companies and get a transfer to a branch there, and unfortunately my retarded degree kind of disqualifies me from the kinds of jobs that might have that possibility.

We both share the same goals for the relationship so we definitely both want it.

It's just very emotionally difficult to keep this distance up as we close in on the second anniversary. How did you manage without meeting in person once?

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Oh I also forgot to mention that I really appreciate your perspective on the porn issue.

Regarding kinks I can't fulfill, distance or not my boyfriend is also bi but he's never done anything with another guy before and we don't talk about it much; we were both kissless handholdless virgins before we met. I've talked to him extensively about if he would be fulfilled only having a sexual relationship with a woman in his whole life and he assured me that he wouldn't have a need to do things with another man in the future. But I made it very clear that we could discuss it if he changed his mind and deal with it. I can't say I don't worry about this at all but he doesn't really talk about it much and even when I bring it up he talks about it like it's pretty much an inconsequential thing about himself that he doesn't care much about or think about a lot.

I think that we do pretty will with the dirty talk and roleplay stuff. When we do stuff over the phone now we do a lot of dirty talk and are very descriptive and say what we would want to do in detail when we masturbate over video chat.

I hope that it's not necessarily that I can't satisfy him but rather the situation we're in makes it so porn is just an easier option and it's not that meaningful.

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>Rationally I know there is nothing wrong with this

Except there is.

You don't know what rationality is.

>LDRs just don't work.
They do often and idiots still watch porn in normal rships

/thread

Is there rationally something wrong with watching porn in this situation? What is your argument that it's rationally wrong?

Is it inherently bad to watch porn in a normal relationship? I mean I understand if you were addicted to it but even just once in a while?

Nom user, the thing wrong in this is her lack of understand regrading rationality.

If Britain is retarded about keeping you from your boyfriend, then convince him to come to America. Green cards and citizenships are easy to get once you're married, with a one time fee. Your boyfriend gets a work permit like four months after submitting the application, and then 9 to 10 months, you get an interview and seeing as your relationship is legitimate, your boyfriend should get a green card for ten years with a possibility for citizenship down the line.

Who cares if he has family there? It's not like he's going to cut ties with them. He's just going to build his own life with you in the US and they can visit him whenever they want, and vice versa. Don't be guil-tripping yourself into thinking he's better off there: he's best off where YOU are.

You really, really, REALLY need to talk about concrete plans for the future. Are you ok staying like this for the next few years? Hell no! LDRs can only last so long, and as long as he's not willing to move for you, then can you really tell me he wants to best for your relationship? Talk to him. If he shuts you out, persist because this is really important.
You need a plan. Without it, you're in stasis. Me and my wife had a plan about a year into our relationship and even though we didn't follow it to the letter, we ended up living together and married, with maybe some kids in the future (I'm 27 and she's 26).

>How did you manage without meeting in person once?
Same as you, just longer. It took a lot of trust and compromise, which I'm sure you're well aware of what that means.

>the situation we're in makes it so porn is just an easier option and it's not that meaningful.
Of course.

As other have mentioned, porn is normal in any relationship. Despite living with my wife, I use it regularly when I'm horny and she's not. We rarely sext or video chat, as we have each other now, but porn remains the same.

I need to leave now because it's late for me. Long distance relationships are difficult and they require a lot patience and understanding.

Seeing as how you'll probably need more advice later and you actually have a real tangible chance at success, you can hit me up on my throwaway email if you want more advice or more perspective:
[email protected]

It's up to you whether you would like to contact me or not, but good luck regardless.

Thank you again for all your advice. I'll be sending you an email for sure.

Also thank you to everyone else, it was definitely helpful to get some other perspectives.

Been there, done that as the man.
If you want him to jerk off to you exclusively, then you gotta keep the supply of lewds going. Him jerking off to porn doesn't mean anything bad to you, it can be amusing/an stronger stimulus (the longer you go without direct physical contact the less stimulus he'll get from the memories of you being together).
At least in my case i would usually rather jerk off to my gf, but whenever she cut the lewd supply i started to gravitate towards porn. Just a natural reaction.
TL;DR if you want him to jerk off exclusively to you then you gotta step up your game and be a better option than porn

He should just ghost you. No one needs unnecessary stress in their life.

You should start chatting with male cam whores and see how he feels about it.

>be a better option than porn
this
maybe he doesn't want to spend an hour with you online when he's just trying to get off quick

>real live people are equivalent to 8-minute long pornhub videos

I don't really have any advice to give, but I still want to wish you good luck OP.

My wife and I also started as an LDR. She's from Canada and I'm from Argentina, so to speak.

If I could do it, you can too.

I understand your point, and I haven't been sending as many lewd things to him recently so I can definitely do more again. But also sometimes I run out of ideas for new things to show him or videos or pictures or whatever. I know I could always do the same thing but slightly different I guess, or in a different position maybe, maybe I'm just not creative enough with this stuff? Any suggestions?

I appreciate that it's not logical for him to only jerk off when he has time to call me and do stuff together. That's also one of the many reasons I started sending him nudes in the first place.

Thank you, it is definitely nice to hear about success stories, it makes me feel encouraged to work hard.

How did you two overcome the legal barriers of being from two different countries? I know the two countries you might have experience with aren't applicable to us but did you have to get married to be together or were you able to work something out first and then get married after you two were already together?