I think i have depression but want to talk about my issues here because i don't trust therapists after the last one...

i think i have depression but want to talk about my issues here because i don't trust therapists after the last one almost almost sent me to child protective services after telling her i had suicidal thoughts while in middle school and haven't trusted them since and just want to talk to a real person anonymously plus my problems are too long to fit the file size and r9k just keeps making fun of my problems

Attached: 1547065361600.jpg (244x207, 6K)

Go for it! Many others do.

Depression can be a symptom of other issues, like sleep problems or vitamin deficiencies.

If this has been going on since middle school you might consider something like celiac (gluten issues).

>Go for it
you mean therapists?
i said i don't trust them and just want to talk to you guys
also i have adhd and autism
i don't have a gluten issue and sleep fine when i don't have to get up in the morning for work and school even after drinking a lot of coke
i'm 19 male 5'4 and 115lbs

can i trust you anons?
when i don't have to get up for

what gives you depression?

i know it might not be interesting but i'd like to tell my life story just to get it all out there

part 1

>i was born and raised in southern Ontario to a well off family with a twin brother
>my father was a salesmen for a company that sold recording software to courts and police and my mother was a nurse
>at 2 i was diagnosed with adhd and them autism
>my brother wasn't diagnosed until later
>my mom took me to a lot of therapy since i didn't know how to say my own words and say stuff said on tv which we called "TV talk" but only helped me so much
>because of my condition i didn't do very well in school and got into trouble a lot
>from what my parents tell me i was never are really bad or nasty child but my dad would tell me i was always acted "Busy" and would always move a lot and wouldn't stay still and couldn't focus or follow directions
>an example of this was when my mom tried putting me in dancing/acting class because me and my brother were cute twins back then but we just couldn't follow direction
>from my memory i didn't know what was going on and why i was there and wasn't interested
>we moved a lot to find good schools for us like a private school known as Bethany hills in the Kawartha lakes area that was shut down after they couldn't afford good teachers and just hired cheap regular teachers
>i recently visited the school again for nostalgia sake but found it was an abandon ruin and in disrepair

pic related is what it used to look like when it wasn't abandoned

Attached: OntarioSlider1-1.jpg (980x600, 195K)

Cont?

Part 2

>The second school was another private school for kids with learning disabilities called the Arrowsmith program
>it was founded by a woman with leaning disabilities herself that founded the first school in Toronto
>i went to a branch in the small city of Peterborough
>around this time was when my parents devoiced
>i didn't really care or think about it too much since i was much closer to my mom than my dad since he was always working anyway and he moved to another part of Bethany
>my mom and i and my bro moved to Peterborough where we had lived before Bethany and was a smallish city
>in the school we had to do shit like learn how to read a clock, trace forgent letters and symbols with a red pen while wearing an eye patch, figure out what was going on in the past, present and future of a norman rockwell painting and memoize symbols on a computer
>occasionally we we would do normal school stuff like reading, math and social studies but this wasn't often
>i hated homwork since they gave me so much every day and night that was the same traching and clock and cumputer bullshit that never seemed to end that it made me hate and fear homework to this day

Pic related is the schools logo

Attached: Arrowsmith_School_Toronto_Logo.jpg (258x97, 13K)

part 3

>in this school i was surrounded by kids with serious behaviour and mental problems
>the school had a few of the same types of people attending
>kids that struggled in school like me with stuff like writing and math and stuff
>adults that were there that wanted to better themselves since they couldn't get help for it when they were younger or as i noticed with few of the "Success stories" when former students came to visit people who were in bad car accidents that were tying rehabilitated their damaged brains through therapy
>like i said before a lot of the children students had behavioural problems like asbergers and such
>a few people i'll make special note of
>i had maybe one or two "friends" in that school
>my first was a jewish kid that i hanged out a lot with
>he had long hair like i did and would sometimes hang out
>i always remember his grandfather would always pick him up from school
>he was a pretty cool guy from what i remember
>we only visited each others houses once
>i visited his family during Hanukkah i believe because i remember it was the holidays because it was snowing at the time
>his family were nice and seemed to like me though i don't remember his father around
>i remember he had a super sweet german shepherd
>i remember meeting his grandma and his grandfather telling me how he was an American soldier fighting in Africa during ww2 and she was was a south African nurse (at least i think she was a nurse i just remember she was south African) and that they immigrated to Canada after the war
>i remember his mom was there and she liked me

part 4

>but sadly my friend had a dark side
>he would get angry very easily and get very violent fast if you fucked with him
>i wasn't worried about it at the time since he was my friend and we would be man about the same shit
>he also hand crohn's disease which meant he would be in a lot of pain sometimes that he had to leave class and his grandfather would have to be there to comfort him and make sure he took his meds
>i remember this one time during Hanukkah him and his grandfather were performing some kind of religious ritual for the school or something where they were in religious gowns and shit when he suddenly starts freaking out for some reason or gets mad and bursts into tears about it
>i don't know what it was about but the school called it off
>looking back i now wonder if he might have had more serious mental problems than i though at the time but i never asked him and wonder what happened to him and if he still has problems

>my other friend that i met in my last year there was a guy in his 20s who i would talk about adult stuff like AVGN with who seemed like a pretty normal guy which was was i liked him since he wasn't a crazy person and was there to rehabilitate himself after an accident
>i was around 10 or 11 at the time so when i told my mom about it she wasn't comfortable with me being around him
>all i have to remember him by was a public domain dvd box full of almost all the showa gamera movies on it that i was originally only borrowing form him but forgot to give it back to him and still have it to this day

>some people i didn't like were this one kid that i guess would be called a narcissist who would always run his mouth and guy me and my jew friend mad to the point were i tried to unsuccessfully kill by choking him but i didn't know how to do it right and got it trouble for it

>but the kids i remember the most were these autistic twin brothers that looked and acted and even sounded the same like they were clones or something

Part 5

>these brothers were like a autistic cringe compilation come to life
>their were very selfish and immature and their high pitch voices were painful to listen to when they got upset
>they even looked like an autistic stereotype with the super short and dark hair and strange appearance
>they too got violent as i remember one class i was doing math work when on the other side of the door i heard one of them screaming and trashing a table or something in the lunch room
>eventually my mom met my sepfather who was a pretty cool and well rounded person who introduced me to videogames and comic books and other nerdy stuff
>he started to realize the school was bad from me and my bro since it was full of messed up people and wasn't teaching me real school stuff like math and reading so we were taken out of that school

I hope this story isn't off topic or boring or anything but i just feel like need to get as much about my life as can remember down so i might be able to make sense of my problems

should i keep going or get to the point already?

keep going! PS there's definitely some bad therapists out there but there's also many life-changing helpers that would be worth talking to. you can always google those in your area and hunt down reviews.

Part 6

>my mom thought it would be a good idea to send me to a Catholic school instead of a regular public school because they apparently had better services for special needs students like myself and my bro and that they would be nicer to us because they were christian or some shit
>it wasn't a private school so we didn't wear uniforms
>this school was populated by mostly white upperclass chad kids that all played sports like hockey and shit
>i had no friends at school and was bullied constantly by the boys and was looked down upon by the girls since i had just come out of a school full of mentally ill people
>my parents put me in in this sort of part time program that was sort of a class that would teach social skills and other stuff like talking to people on the phone and shit
>and who did i meet at this program?
>the same annoying twins and other students from the last school of course
>we realized pretty quickly that the twins pretty much ran the show by having the staff mostly trying to keep the twins from getting upset so we gave up on the program

pic related is the front of the school
i picked one with no people on it so nobody gets harassed online or anything

Attached: SylvieCopland-2.jpg (1305x871, 166K)

before i go any further i need to talk about my family more

like i mentioned before i'm an identical twin brother
most of my life he has always resented me and tried to put me down in an abusive way such as

>getting mad about everything i do as he believes i embarrass him all the time and sees himself as better than me in every way
>it's probably because my case of autism is more severe than his
>he never let me hang out with other kids that he was friends with like in Arrowsmith were he was friends with another kid that introduced us to Godzilla who he was close to and wouldn't let me near him while he was around
>and in elementary school he had friends since he was more social and less shy than me while i was bullied and wouldn't let me hang out with them either because he believed i embarrassed him or would end up stealing them from him or some bullshit like that and so i grew up very lonely

my brother is a very controlling and out going person and always has short hair

I am mostly shy but prefer to be a free spirit which is why i prefer having long hair and recently sometimes a beard in order to separate each other so people would know the difference

to this day is still struggle with social stuff and being stuck in my shell because of the damage he caused me
the best way to describe he would be like an abusive father thats the same age as you and same maturity as you
he believes himself as the smart and mature brother and me as the immature dumb brother that he has to keep people away from like an animal. over the years during the last years of high school beginning of collage now that we are adults he has slowly matured and has an understanding that what he did as a kid to me was wrong but i don't think he really understands how wrong he was and even to day still struggles to break the habit of looking after me and seeing me as inferior but the damage is already done

my mom's parents were from England and her dad fought the japanese in Burma in ww2 and immigrated to Canada after the war
originally they were married out of weddlock as teens after getting her mom pregnant with twins but they both died in childbirth but they stayed married
they came to Canada with her older sister and my mom was born in February of 1962 in the grater toronto area
my mom and her family grew up very poor as her dad worked a low paying factory job and mom took care of the house but i heard she had some job but i don't remember what
my grandfather was a hard and abusive man and not very loving to my mom and aunts but my grandmother was very loving and sweet but was too passive to stand up for her daughters
when my mom was 16 her mom quickly got breast cancer and died which devastated my young mom hard since they were so close
>she had to work most of her life while going to school since she was so poor in the 60s and 70s and took factory jobs and places like Honeywell assembling thermostats and smoke detecters and shit but she managed to get a decent nursing job in Toronto

Please cont.

most of my life i was very close to my mother and she told me i was her favourite kid and would spoil me and my brother a lot
but she could get upset very easily like when we did something wrong or did bad in school she would really really get mad and give us hell and now that look back now i see that she probably has a lot of problems going on with her
this was epecially bad when we went out on trips together like going to Florida and cuba where she would get upset anytime something when wrong she would lose her shit and want a smoke
i remember the last time we went to florida in 2012 as this would be our last trip and we were 12 years old she believed we should be making the plans since she was doing this for us but all we wanted to do was disney world and other shit she would shoot down and would complain when we would watch american tv in the rental house all day but i guess we took it for granted since we were so used to being well off
the final straw was in 2017 on our 18th birthday we went to fan expo in toronto and spent the other day exploring the city but would freak out about shit like getting lost in the parking lot when she told us to go there in the first place and while trying to find parking she got so mad at someone for taking a parking spot first that she almost keyed the guys car or beat him up but my step dad stopped her and near the end of the trip she starts freaking out about how we didn't get her any crispy cream donuts when we mentioned it to her and how we were being ungrateful for everything she did for our birthday and being selfish and not thinking about her and shit and screamed more when we tried finding a way out of toronto and even threaten to send us to church to teach us to be nicer or some bullshit like that and that was when i lost faith in my mom and have avoided her ever since i moved out with my dad and never visit her when she goes to Belize in the winter so i'm not trapped in a foreign country with her again

my father is of Scottish ancestry but his family has been in Canada since the turn of the century
his grandfather on his mom's side was a ww1 fighter pilot who was shot down by germans but crashed into a tree and survived and was able to take the propeller with him and is still in the family to this day including his war diary
after the war he settled in a small town called Beeton Ontario where he opened up a pharmacy
my grandmother grew up during the depression but it didn't effect the family a lot since he wasn't a farmer or form a big city so they lived a comfortable life and one time his store was almost robbed and started a shoot out where he pulled a shotgun of the guys and made the local paper and to this day the building still stands as it was and still has bullet holes in it to this day
she met my grandfather as kids and fell in love
he joined the army and trained but the war was over by the time he was finished so he saw no combat
they settled in toronto and had my aunt then my dad in December of 1957
I don't know a lot about his early life but i know he was well off and went to university in the 70s with his friends right when computers were becoming a big deal and he got a job at operating the computers for the Hudsons bay company and the railway companies or something like that
he eventually teamed up with another guy and formed a large corporation in the 90s called Blockade systems corp that made securities software

pic related if what the company website looked like back in the day

Attached: scr.png (1024x768, 39K)

this was around the time he met my mom and got married two years later
he soon had a falling out with the other guy and left the company and later got a job working for a Belarusian guy that ironically used to be an employee of my dads company and had had the job of selling and making deals with police forces and courts around the world selling recording software

me and my brother were born in August of 1999

over time my parents fell out of love with each other and after the divorce we slowly had less and less money until my step dad came in

like i said before i've never been close to my father as him and i very different people and i just can't relate to him at all and he seems very out of touch with me and comes across as condescending and naive that i don't bother trying to hang out with him and it's probably either his sheltered happy life growing up or his work i also feel like he still sees me as a kid sometimes

i was a lot closer to my step dad
he grew up poor and in a rough place and a harder life than my mom as his family were pretty much getto trash (he's white btw) and would always be around bad characters and get into trouble as a kid like running away to live with his real dad who married native girl and doing hard drugs like lsd so he never had a stable home life but his big love was comic book like Marvel that he would hide from his folks as a kid as back in the 60s people thought comics were as bad as porn but he gained a massive collection by the time he met my mom so he was the classic nerd guy who wanted to draw comic books
he got a job as a designer were he designed the monorails in Las Vegas back in the day and got a bunch of good engineering jobs
i think he told me one story about working at an old manufacturing plant or something and going down to the basement that was full of really old pipes built in germany in the 30s that still had the swastikas and german eagles on them that the factory was still using in the 80s for steam and shit and how he was laid off from work during the Falkland island war since Argentina was their main supplier and Canada eased trade with them in support of Britain since we didn't have a constitution yet and was still controlled by the uk to some extent at the time
he marred and had two sons one became a high school dropout loser after getting his gf pregnant and becoming a father and the other married a religious girl that turned his son against him and hasn't seen him since

life was pretty good with him as he was the sane person of the family and loved us like his own until a few years back he had a series of strokes that forced him to retire early and he became a different he started becoming more immature and a little nutty like an old person and him and my mom's relationship almost fell apart when my mom got drunk and tried kicking him out and he almost left until my brother happened to be awake that night and begged him to stay and i can still remember how they would scream and band on the floor and walls and shit and wanted to kill each other

they fixed their relationship but my step dad will never be the man i looked up to again

Part 7 back to me
>was bullied a lot mostly by the chad boys
>Hockey chad 1 would usually get other boys together to harass me like throwing trash at me during lunch or spreading rumours about me and would also cause trouble with teachers for being a pain in the ass to teach and one teacher was fried and sent to jail after attacking him in a fit of rage
>this teacher happened to be one i knew as our science teacher who i liked as we shared a hatred for him
>other chad hockey kid would try to trick or manipulate me like trying to scare me about flu shots going into my arm and when they finally did flu shots i was so scared and stress out that they let me go home instead and they even yelled and the kids for scaring me when they laughed at me
>then their was the psycho ginger kid
>this kid looked just like a stereotypical serial killer and child molester that you see on crime shows
>really tall and skinny
>super short hair that was sometimes shaved off
>pale white skin and big hears
>square glasses and the eyes of bitch
>very much like Randall from recess but worse
>he was manipulative and even the other kids that hated him would defend him for doing shit and the teachers liked him
>he was always doing some big thing like being in the army cadets on remembrance day and marching and shit or volunteering for causes
>he would do was try to get people man at him so much that they would snap and strike back at him so he could play victim and get them into trouble
>but i refused to fight him because i was too afraid of fighting back and getting in trouble and would have nobody to defend me from him

Attached: CevH95tWIAEA8EN.jpg (473x355, 34K)

>i've also been attacked by him like being almost pined to wall by table while we were rearranging the class room and almost pushed down the stairs by him or generally trying to sneak up on me and follow me and shit

>i actually had thoughts of going Columbine on these asshole a few times
i tried sneaking a kitchen knife in my backpack but didn't have the balls to pull it out
>i once flat out told the ginger kid "just give me a coat hanger and you'll see what i can do"
however i did have a some what though out plan to kill the ginger kid
>for grade 8 graduation we would go on an overnight field trip to Ottawa
>this was my first field trip since my parents didn't trust us to be by ourselves with other kids until now
>i learned on one of my moms murder shows about the bedroom strangler who killed 7 women in London and Guelph in the 70s by climbing the balconies at night and sneak through the unlocked balcony doors and kill them in their sleep
>my plan was to find the room he was gonna be in and do the same
>i was able to smuggle the same small kitchen knife past security by taping it to my thigh and hid it under my army pants and am still surprised i didn't get caught with it
>after the long bus ride and having eaten 50 chocolate timbits by myself since i hated everyone and didn't share them at all my stomach was sick and thigh was killing me with the knife under it
>i soon realized there was no balconies and no way of opening the windows or getting out of my room to find my target since they would lock the doors on us and had 24 hour security and i also had bedmate which one of them was the chad asshole the threw trash at me so i was like fuck that

>the final person i want to talk about was this Filipino kid that everyone liked hell even i liked him
>he was like the stereotypical popular token minority kid who was also an athlete and leader kind of guy
>what what i like to call a "Red Ranger" because if he was a power ranger he would be the red leader rager
>he was the only decent person i knew at that school until i found out during graduation he spoke about wanted to join the fight to end abortions in Canada and i lost all faith him after that

Not a pro psych dude, but during my childhood I had therapists to talk to me about my parents divorce. My doctor misdiagnosed me with bipolar disorder because I was acting out in school, and I was sent to a psychological hospital as a 6 year old where I was kept with actually mental teenagers, much older than me. I did what I could to behave, but the lady said I could use an extra week, thus extending my sentence. I had a distrust of therapists, because anything I would tell them, they'd go tell my parents, or just berate me and pin all my troubles on my actions. I stopped seeing them after begging my mother, who years later sent me back because I was suffering depression. I told my therapist about how crappy I was doing in school and that I was sneaking vidya at night whilst being grounded and she ratted me out. My mom sold my stuff and punished me after. Never trust a fucking therapist, my close friends are about the only reason I'm still around today

Part 8
now lets talk a bit about my school
>like i said it was a mostly white upperclass Catholic school
>we would do bible studies and go to church sometimes for praying that i didn't mind much since i saw it as time off school and was pretty relaxing and had some asmr vibes going on
>though i do remember this one time a priest explained to us how hypothetically hitler could get into heaven if he was either crazy, or accepted jesus and asked for foreignness or some shit
>i don't remember hardline Christian rhetoric about being anti gay or sex being sinful like in the US though i'm not sure if we got sex ed or not
>i remember the teachers being nice but not much help when it came to stopping bullying and apparently the principal was an idiot according to my brother when he tried going to her for help
>i feel like the school let me down a lot
>this was also how early in first year there i told the counsellor my secret about having depression and suicidal thoughts and almost getting taken away by children's aid any why ever since i don't trust therapists and fear they will send me away jail or and institution or something

part 9

>high school was a new ballgame
>i wasn't bullied as much but still didn't mean like was better as i had to worry about school work and getting into collage
>i was still afraid of people and had no social skills
>i was so desperate not to end up behind that i cheated a lot in school because i didn't give a shit about math and science and somehow never got caught

Your childhood is strikingly similar to mine, sadly the school system forgets about us bottom dwelling edgelords.

There is so many times I've taken things into my own hands and been punished for it when I knew the adults werent going to do shit.

i'm 19 now and am a collage student studying film
i still don't have friends at collage, never been in a real serious relationship, i can't get exited or feel pride in anything i do
i don't even know if i'm studding film because i want to make movie or was just a lie i told myself as a kid to give my future some hope an meaning and that the fame and wealth and power would finally show those assholes from my childhood not to fuck with me again and hold them accountably by telling my story and calling them out for what they did to ruin my life and make them feel shitty about what they did to me and would have the last laugh at last

but then again money and power never made anyone happy in the end
>one of my favourite films is Scrooge starring Alister Sim
>i can really relate to Scrooge a lot as i seem to care more about material things and money than people and i push said people away and see the worst in them
which is probably why i'm so greedy with money and care more about spending on big things and hardly spend a lot on others
and no donating to charity never made me feel good and i now work at a habitat for humanity store and only see the worst of humanity come through the door
no money does not make me happy

though i actually have only two genuine friends that i've had for more that a decade and one of them lives with me and my dad and brother
him and his sister and the only friends i have in all the world since they made me feel human when my brother and the kids at school didn't and told all of my problems to and trust them more than my family
>but we would only see each other on weekend the whole time we knew each other yet don't feel close to them as i should and feel we are drifting apart with age even though one of them lives with me

i'm going to bed now but i'll be back to see if anyone has any helpful replies

So the basic summary, you have always been a bit different, thus the reason mom took you to therapy at 2.

On top of being a bit different, you’ve had the typical male school challenges because our educational system has decided being male needs to be labeled and drugged.

You probably overshare and are way too truthful. This is typical of “autism” type people. Just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it. Those not used to dealing with people on spectrum misinterpret the directness/honesty of those on spectrum.

You seem to have made it through high school relatively unscathed. (No really stupid stuff that lands you in jail.)

Now you are a lost adult that cannot blame whatever you precieve as wrong on the bully, school, parent or whomever. (Don’t take that as harsh as it sounds.). You have come to realize the way you are interacting with the world isn’t making you happy. What drives you isn’t about you, it is about getting back at others. You need to shift that and find things that drive you for you.

You also have to realize life isn’t like the movies, television or commercials. There is a lot more layers to who people are and complexity to relationships. I am sure you intellectually know that but you need to remind yourself of that.

The only behavior you can change is your own and as soon as you change your behavior and reframe some of your thoughts things will turn around quickly. You are in film school, so a place where growing and changing is expected and encouraged.


So what do you want from life? Where do you want to be in ten years? And what steps do you need to take to get there?

When you are young we try to give you the skills so you can go on and do anything.

OP, fuck therapists.

You need a psychiatrist. Big difference.

What's the difference?