My boyfriend died 4 years ago. We had been together for 7 years at that point.
He was literally perfect for me, and no one will ever be as good as him.
I'm turning 29 this year. I don't want to date again, but I want children a lot.
I don't know what to do.
I'm in therapy but I just can't get over him, there's no getting over him. Any other guy would be a second best, and I wouldn't do it to someone.
This is so sad. I’m so sorry
The ONE is a myth and falsehood. Your boyfriend wasn't special and he hates what you've become and what you're doing to yourself.
Find someone else. Be happy. It's what he wanted and what he did for you.
>tfw my eternal fear is this
All I can do is suggest opening up more at therapy or exposing yourself to new social circles.
He was my friend since we were 5. My best friend ever, really. Shared all sorts of interests, hobbies, sense of humour, stories. We could sit on the couch and laugh for 10 hours and call it a day.
We were really good for each other. Brought out the best in each other, really. We had our flaws, but they mixed together well.
All good things about me are because I was with him. He made me feel secure. I felt invincible when we were together, nothing scared me. He was the kind of guy who'd make "let's go hiking for 3 months on the Alps" a solid plan. We did, it was fun, I broke my leg. It was fun to be in hospital with him.
We wanted the same things in life. Whether it was children or the furniture for our home, the way we'd be buried or our honeymoon, from the name of the dogs or the playlist to listen in the car. We argued really rarely.
He was romantic, kind, generous. Really a good person.
He was extremely attractive. He smiled at me and I felt butterflies in my stomach, till the day he died.
I don't necessarily believe in the one, but there's no one who can match this. I don't want to get with another person and just love my boyfriend for life, I wouldn't ask to be someone's first choice when I know they'll always me by second choice.
I can't really be happy with anyone else. I'm sorry for the blogpost.
I’m sure a lot of that is true, but I’m also equally sure that a lot of that is also romantic revisionism.
The sad truth of human nature is that we have a tendency to operate in extremes when it comes to recollection. We somehow always tend to warp things to either remember the best or worst of a situation, and ver rarely do we ever recall that both sides existed or that there was much more middle ground throughout. And a lot of times the way we remember these situations is subject to the emotions or longings we currently are undergoing. Hell, sometimes those longings can even revise the way we see things in real time, making you purposely ignore elements because you want to believe things are a certain way.
This is a similar mechanism to why people sometimes end up wondering wtf they saw in someone after a certain period of “honeymoon” ends.
Why sometimes people feel so nostalgic over their childhoods and thinking of them as “the goody times” even when they’ve had a lot of objectively bad shit go down.
And why women who are in physical abusive relationship will sometimes stay in the situation or even want to go back, because in spite of how horrible their situation, their desires blind them to reality and make it so their minds and feelings are stuck in the past when “things were better”.
That kind of revisionism is powerful shit.
I’m sure your therapist has told you as much, but just to remind you, inspite of how powerful your feelings are, it’s always a good idea to try to keep some form of objective thought about things. To realize that sometimes there’s more than one interpretation than your current one. Because one day things might completely change on you, and it can be jarring as fuck if you have no ability to work things the other way and say, hey, even if a lot of what I believed was romantic nonsense and there was a lot of bad shit, that doesn’t invalidate the good that was there.
This sounds like a lot of sweeping generalizations that, if inapplicable, do nothing
Holy shit dude, that’s rough as shit. Im so genuinely sorry for your loss. He must’ve been an amazing man. Maybe you don’t have to reconnect, adopt if you really want kids. Someone like that just can’t be replaced. It’s impossible
sperm donor?
If you asked me to talk about him 5 years ago I would have said the same things. I did say the same things to my friends and family before he died, I wrote the same things in my journal as a kid.
I was very happy for all our relationship, I loved him a lot every fucking day, from when I was 14. No real big "downs" and a lot of ups. I never had a moment when I thought about breaking up. I was always silent when my friends complained about their boyfriends because my biggest complain about my boyfriend was he'd never pick up his clothes from the floor.
We had arguments, he had flaws, he was annoying as fuck sometimes but it was mostly really good. He was absolutely the best guy I've ever met.
We had a genuinely good relationship, and even if I think about it objectively, I can't find many flaws in our relationship.
And I don't want to lead someone on into pretending he's the love of my life when he could never be.
He was.
I just wonder if it'd be reasonable to raise a kid as a single mom?
>dumb roastie gets upset because her boyfriend died
>everyone on Jow Forums and their mothers throw a pity party for her
>"incel" gets upset because he's never even had a relationship to begin with
>everyone tells him to kill himself
Why the double standard?
Losing a loved one and whining because you can't get laid don't really deserve the same response.
go back to your cave you miserable faggot
Point is, tons of people live their entire life alone. She's bitching because she's been alone for 4 years. And not only that, she probably has a bunch of roastie friends to lean on as well. This is just a case of an entitled person.
Defending the incels isn't going to accomplish anything; that's assuming any post saying 'I'm a woman' isn't just a man larping for replies as if women getting attention on the internet is a new fuckin discovery in 20fucking19.
Where is the entitlement? Entitlement to make a thread?
>tons of people live their entire life alone
This is wrong, it's exceptionally rare. You have my pity, for what it's worth.
Way to miss a point. I'm not bitching because I've been alone for 4 years. I'll die alone at this point, mostly by own choice because I don't want to be with anyone else.
I'm sad because I miss the love of my life, but not because I'll die alone.
I really want kids and was wondering if I could have them by myself, given the circumstances, or it'd be selfish.
Then don't add in the sob story about your dead boyfriend or whatever if it's not relevant to the thread. You clearly just wanted the (You)'s so here you go, here's another one.
Anti-natalist here, having children is always selfish.
>Just ask for advice without giving relevant context
If my boyfriend wasn't dead, I would have children with him and not even consider being a single mom.
I don't believe so, but I'd most likely adopt anyway so they'd be already here.
>this belief is rising up
Finally. I wondered if I was the only one who thought it was ironic that most people agree 'life sucks' but unironically want to put a child into that suck-ass life
That info isn't necessary to your question of "Is it selfish to have a child by yourself". Literally that's all you had to write, but instead you try to make all the white knights and roasties feel sorry for you and talk about your dead bf. No wonder your bf died, I would want to die too if I had to be with your obnoxious ass.
It is relevant. The first question would have obviously been "Why don't you just find a man to have children with?", so I answered it in the OP.
That's really sad, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I was in a relationship with my best friend for 10 years. He started rapidly going down a bad path I tried to keep him from falling down, but he did anyway. He started hanging out with a bad group of people and got addicted to some really nasty drugs. Now his life is in the shitter and it still hurts thinking about it. But similar to you that was the guy I wanted to have kids with. It's only been a year and I still can't imagine being with anyone else.
But the best advice I can give is, believe me that there are guys out there who are great second bests. Being second best isn't a bad thing at all. You can (and WILL) meat someone absolutely wonderful, who wants kids just as much as you do, and is prepared for that financially and emotionally. And that someone wouldn't mind listening you talk about your past and the amazing guy you were with, he'll likely have someone in his past that he'd feel comfortable talking about. You will always have the memories and the love from your boyfriend, no one will take that from you, and you will also have an amazing husband and kids one day. Just don't give up.
You can have my babies, slut.
How did he die OP?
Also how would you know if you are meant to be with someone like that?
Become a foster parent. That's what I'm going to do.
So you think having/developing a special connection to someone isn't real and that you can have this with most partners?
The most mature people are those that don't depend on others for their happiness and sense of meaning. That's what most psychologists agree on about the self-realized individual.
What did he die from?
I don't know what this feeling is. I've never experienced it, but that's because I'm dead on the inside - The feeling of wanting to have children. Some people have ascribed it as a hardwired desire, that seeps into your thoughts and makes you genuinely believe, even if you rationally convince yourself otherwise, that you want to have kids. This is all anecdotal, of course, in regards to women I believe this really kicks off somewhere around their mid 20s.
It's a very powerful thing, strong enough to override past convictions, even. I've seen it happen to women, who were seemingly dedicated to their careers or education, I've seen it happen to men, who had passions and things they would dedicate all of their time towards. Gone, all of it just met with 'haha, yeah, I guess I was like that once, huh?'.
Stop and think about it. Really contemplate it. Where'd this desire come from? What does it stem from? Why was there a change that made you suddenly want to have children? That thought, was it natural? Or is it a result of something innate, primal? You don't want to have kids because you want to have them with somebody you love, you just WANT to have them. Doesn't that sound fucking weird?
Let me put it another way. There are children, right now, who don't have parental figures. Adoption. You can go out and apply to adopt a child. Wherever you're from, this process is probably thoroughly documented online because they WANT people to adopt them. Very likely you probably don't view that option nearly as enticing as having your OWN children, do you? If this is what you mean - then sure, why not, go for it. Not everyone's cut out for it, make a new thread with that premise in mind or do your own research to figure out if you can do it.
If it's not the latter, then it's all in your head. Ignore it. Every single day, hour, minute and second that it occurs to you. Ignore it. Any pain or negative emotion that it causes you, ignore it. Your boyfriend's gone.
>thot patrolled by god
Absolutely based, at least there is SOME justice in thus world.
This is why you should freeze eggs and sperm. You can then have your partners children even if this happens.
Anyway op I think he would want you to find happiness again. It might take time. But you also have the option to have a child without dating someone if you find you can't and then put your love and energy into raising that child.
This is why I am not getting into a relationship with a woman who has been in a relationship before. This sounds like a nightmare scenario.
>But the best advice I can give is, believe me that there are guys out there who are great second bests. Being second best isn't a bad thing at all.
>And that someone wouldn't mind listening you talk about your past and the amazing guy you were with
What the fuck? Are you for real?
It would be really hard for me to live with the shame of having my wife consider me a silver trophy at best.
Is OP searching for a husband/boyfriend or is she searching for a money/sperm-bank because making and raising kids is hard without a dad?
I understand it must be very difficult to lose someone like what the OP describes but now he is dead. OP needs to move on and respect the next guy should she want another relationship.
>I'm only with you because the guy I want to be with is dead
That sounds like a really toxic relationship.
My worst fear is dying and leaving behind a partner, who will just wither away alone.
I would always wish for the love of my life to move on. Always. You deserve happiness, not misery. That is never the intention, and would make me roll in my grave in agony, to know I ruined the life of the single most important person on the planet for me.
>that's assuming any post saying 'I'm a woman' isn't just a man larping for replies
That would be pointless, considering incels get far more replies.
And the fact that more often than not, saying "I'm a woman", or even aluding to it, gets you people like Who just screams "Roasties" or other slurs, as if hoping his ritualistic chanting will make them go away.
This. I refuse to live through the degradation of being second best. That kind of life is hell.
I am hoping to have kids, bit that's because I want to make a good attempt at giving that child a good shot at life, and make it a much better experience than the one that I got.
>mfw I am currently dating and living with a guy whose wife died, and left him and their daughter behind
I sorta get your point... but it really depends on the circumstances, I think.
If it is like OP who literally cannot get over her old boyfriend, sure. That would probably be hell to be around, as she closely doesn't want to move on.
If it is someone genuinely trying to move on, it can work. Though the most redeeming part about this situation for me so far, is that his daughter is already calling me mom after knowing her for roughly 1.5 years, and saying her real mother would want her to do so. She's 8, but... you know. It helps it along.
He's a fa/tg/uy, so it could also be that he is just great at putting on a mask, and at least making me *feel* like I'm not second grade. It also helps that I really wouldn't want anyone else, so it's fine if I have a bar to meet here. Makes me more motivated to be better, and not just let myself go.
OP don't listen to these incels. Your boyfriend would hate to see this much pain in you, and it's not healthy. I know he wants you to be happy, with or without him. If I were to die suddenly, I would want my girlfriend to find someone else because I shouldn't be the one keeping her from her happiness.
You're 100% right, but you have to consider how many desperate men there are on planet Earth. 'Second Best' is a big accomplishment for some guys.
That sincerely sounds awesome.
Life isn't perfect. Relationships aren't perfect. People aren't perfect. Find someone you like and settle down, OP.
>He's a fa/tg/uy,
This all sounds eerily family.
Where you that girl who asked for help on some cheesy valentines card on /5eg/?
i’m so sorry for your loss. have you considered sperm donation and IVF? you’re allowed to choose characteristics your boyfriend had for example eye and hair color. although it won’t be his baby, it might bring you the peace that you deserve.
best of luck user
>Where you that girl who asked for help on some cheesy valentines card on /5eg/?
No...
It was a Christmas card.
A very important part of the mastery of living is the mastery of losing. Because you WILL lose everything. Everyone you know will die. Your parents will die. Your children, if you have any, will die. And you will die. Sometimes those loses will come much sooner than expected, but come they will no matter what. You need to come to terms with the impermanence of all things. There is only this moment. Live it while you can.
DON'T
single mothers only raise criminals and delinquents
Could get sperm donated, even from a relative of his.
I'm so fucking sorry to hear that. I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone. I'm in a similar position, but just as lost as you so I can't really offer anything but my sympathy.
Have you considered big brother/sister programs? Maybe after school care or something? If you're more serious you could always adopt. You'd probably want to try something light like child care first, though.
F
Everything you’ve described, while very special. And being a childhood friend, that nostalgia and trust is one of a kind. But it is NOT limited to one single human being on this planet. There are people out there with just as much love, excitement, trust and butterflies. Maybe even someone who has gone through the same thing as you, and wants to start anew. The best thing you can do for him is to live the rest of your life happy, because you still have yours and no one who loves you would want you to waste it ‘because of them’.
Those feelings and experiences aren’t replaceable, but there is so much more love and experiences out there for you. I PROMISE you.
Don't force it, just socialize with people and don't take other's for granted because you "knew someone better", everyone is their own person. At some point if you feel an attraction, go for it, but just be with people to be with them for now. You can move on and still respect the past and hold it dear to you.
Lol get the fuck over it bitch
This
Unless you're kind of rich AND emotionally stable I strongly advise against having a baby outside of the traditional / natural path. That includes single mother insemination, deliberate one night stand pregnancy, adoption and anything else you can think of.
Go about your life, if you find someone, you love each other and you both want to have a kid, great. If not, forget it.
>All good things about me are because I was with him
This is called codependency and it's an unhealthy habit to form. You can learn to grow stronger from his memory, maybe there will always be a strain from this, but that is how the rest of us live. As you grow older you will meet men who remind you of him easily. I wouldn't negate all chance from the rest your life. It's a long life to live alone and love is pretty easy... just saying.
its ok user keep trying a girl will come by soon.
I always say that if you want a woman to love you forever, die while you're dating her. If they really loved you, they instantly create the idyllic version of you in their head and permanently compare all future guys to you. I've seen it time and again. It gets them a ton of attention and women are wired to respond to attention like heroin. So basically you as a dead boyfriend are helping them get attention which gives them pleasure, they associate the pleasure with the memory of you which further idealizes you in their head and it just keeps going. It's amazing.