Why does it feel like people only care about you if they're either having sex with you, or want to have sex with you?

Why does it feel like people only care about you if they're either having sex with you, or want to have sex with you?

As much as women complain men feel entitled to sex it seems like they also get hurt and stop talking to you if you friendzone them, even if you enjoy talking to them as friends. Similarly, men and women both are very unenthusiastic about spending time with someone unless they think they'll get something out of it; usually sex. Men act flaky and uninterested in friendship or casual hanging out unless they think a girl is gonna be there or better yet, it's with a girl. Same with women I know, they don't give a fuck about someone unless some it's some guy they wanna hook up with. Is my generation just like this? Do people only see anyone else as either a potential sexual prospect or not worth talking to at all?

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>Why does it feel like people only care about you if they're either having sex with you, or want to have sex with you?
Yeah man, that’s the only reason I maintain good relationships with my family and male friends, because I want to fuck them.

None of my friends or family feel very close at all. They will pull over in traffic to send a text to someone they're hooking up with but wait hours or days to respond to a text from me, if at all. Then I catch up with them and all I hear about is who they're dating. That alone makes me feel like if I don't have a gf who is really attracted to me, I might as well be dead to everyone else.

It sounds to me that when you say "people" you're actually talking about a specific person. So, instead of going around in circles with this vague question could you just tell us what happened so we can solve your specific problem and not the problems of all man and womankind?

>They will pull over in traffic to send a text to someone they're hooking up with but wait hours or days to respond to a text from me, if at all. Then I catch up with them and all I hear about is who they're dating.
Your family does this? Bullshit. As for your friends, well it’s like you said, you’re not really close to them.

why would you expect for women to not do the same thing as men? also if you cant hold a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex without wanting to fuck them you clearly have problems

It's not just one person. When my mom got remarried, she basically fucked off and also told me to fuck off when I asked her if we could still spend time together as family. She won't make more than an hour for a phone call with me but spends almost all of her free time with him. I've had close friends drop off the face of the earth and stop wanting to hang out as soon as they started banging someone; only wanting to contact me when they were bored or broken up. People I once considered close friends, I wouldn't hear from them for days at a time when all I did was try to catch up and ask how THEY are doing, then they come back and explain they were fucking this or that person, or wanted to. Hell, a woman I used to be basically best friends with explained to me months ago that she has a bad habit of ignoring everyone when she has a new boyfriend. I'll try to make time and form bonds with people who say they like and appreciate my company and doing things with me, yet they act flaky and dismissive in a way that they would never be with people they're strongly attracted to.

I don't know man. Maybe I'm just a horrible, awful fucking person nobody wants to be around. Who knows anymore.

>if you cant hold a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex without wanting to fuck them you clearly have problems

I never said I didn't or couldn't. I'm saying women I just want to be friends with act super flaky all the time. Even if it's so much as a "hey, how have you been?" text, or invitation to hang out, it often goes straight up ignored. If anything, THEY seem to assume any guy who talks to them or wants to spend time with them wants to fuck them.

I said I don't feel close. The reason being, well, why I made this thread.

Ok, well the first thing we can do is stop pretending as though this problem lies with men and women. This is about you and the relationships in your life. This is about your feelings of abandonment in relation to your mom. Firstly you need to understand that your relationship with your parents shape literally everything. It sounds as though your issue is that your relationships are nowhere near as close as you want them to be and you find yourself constantly feeling abandoned. The common denominator is you so, logically speaking, the best place to start with a solution is you. Get yourself out of the mindset that this is happening to you. You are the one who chooses your friends and acquaintances. This is happening as a directly result of the people you find yourself gravitating to. And, with a mother who is routinely abandoning its really no wonder that these kinds of relationships are the ones you are most comfortable in.

I've looked into the kinds of things you're saying and found a lot of the same answers, so I definitely think you're onto something. Neither my mom or my dad were around for me emotionally growing up, and they certainly aren't now. Even as a kid, they expected me to suck it up and handle it all on my own.

IDK how to go about finding people who don't act like this. You would think the people who swear they care about you, think you're wonderful and would love to see you and spend time with you, would be a good fit, but those seem to be the MOST likely to flake out and start ignoring. I don't know if I'm just being too needy, and either have wrong expectations or put people off. All I really expect is to reliably have even just one friend who I can talk to about anything, share anything with, and they COMMUNICATE in return. I don't even go and make all the conversations about me; you'd think people would love to answer when I ask how they're doing but even that goes ignored often enough.

Dude I know what you mean. Once high school came around all my close friends started being cunts and only wanted to fuck. Don't get me wrong, I'm also hyper focused on sex, but if I had to choose, I'd rather have a perfect best friend than a perfect girlfriend. I'm a rare exception though.

I try to be realistic and think...yeah some of my female friends I'd have sex with but I'm also 100% fine with just being friends knowing I will never have sex with them. Even though I know deep down they're only friendzoning me because they don't think I'm attractive, there have been times I enjoy their company so much I don't care.

I totally know what you mean OP.

It isnt only sex though, if people think they can get other things out of you, like money, status, or whatever, then they'll also keep in touch. But yea, humans are crazy selfish.

It's not necessarily a bad thing, it makes sense, I just wish people wouldn't pretend it wasn't this way.

I think you need to see a therapist. The way you've been trained to interpret relationships is extremely dysfunctional. Your parents taught you that loving relationships are supposed to be distant and abandoning. This was instilled in you from a very young age. I understand that consciously you don't want your relationships to be this way but you literally don't know any other way to engage with people. Its how you were programmed. If it were easy as just deciding to be different you would of figured this problem out a long time ago. Its time to get an outside perspective and some guidance, OP. You don't know how to get close to people. That is why all of your relationships are distant and abandoning. All you know how to do is recreate the relationship you had with your parents with other people. A good therapist can help you unlearn these bad habits and develop new ones.

I don't really ask for anything from people other than their time. Is even that much selfish? I won't just be with friends with anyone but I don't expect to "get anything" except maybe mutual companionship and support.

My point is that if people see you as low status, then they won't really be interested in putting much effort into maintaining friendship.

If you want more friends you basically need to be more successful or influential or whatever , but then... Are they even really your friends?

Oh I know exactly what you mean. People wanna be with cool kids. I get it. Doubly so inrelationships.

Yea. So all the moralistic stuff about being a good friend, looking out for people, reciprocity, all these things, why do we have to lie so much? It's fucking rare that a person isn't going to throw you in the trash as soon as you're in a rough patch, and even then, they're probably sticking with you because of a sunk cost fallacy.

Again, like, I get it, everyone has limited time and energy, I just wish we didn't have to lie so much.

I had a friend i was there for no matter what. He hit a rough patch and I tried to be there for him. Had to call it quits when he kept lying to me and turned out to be racist.

Why the fuck would I want to be platonic friends with a woman?

Find more guy friends and only fuck women. If sex isn't going to happen, why hang out with them. Better yet, improve yourself rather than spend time with chicks.

I was seeing one not too long ago. Even my mom got weird about it, saying that "talking is okay, but I think you need a life coach or something, you can't just talk about your problems."

I think I haven't been as honest as I should be. I'm really close to just confronting her and saying "the way you and my dad raised me really hurt me, and this is why". She needs to know, if nothing else. I agree, I'm not functional at all.

For what it's worth, the therapist basically said I'm ahead of the curve for realizing it, but made sure I knew it won't be easy. Fact is, a lot of people are what I would call emotionally unavailable. We don't always mean to seek them out, but I'm rapidly starting to realize the warning signs. Even so much as taking hours to respond to a simple text can be a bad sign, when coupled with some others. I almost feel kinship with these people because they remind me of myself in how 'hurt' they are.

Because sometimes the quality of the person you're hanging out with, how much you enjoy being around them and what kind of support or positive elements they can bring to your life has absolutely nothing to do with what genitals they have. Not every woman is your mom, dude.

not really, those are just crappy people

Secret for me is I spend enough time around any woman and I'm almost guaranteed to lose attraction, if not in the short term then in the long term. I usually eventually find something out about her that I'm just not fond of, and think "she's fine for a friend, but man, dating her would be a fucking disaster". And by dating I mean being in a relationship, not just fucking.

That said, I think I absolutely need more men to spend time with. I have mostly women companions lately, primarily because I work so much around them.

Everything but your last statement was great dude. Idk where the mom thing came from though man
It's cool that you get to preview some red flags that can come up in women. A valuable skill that will save your ass.

I mean it depends, you could argue people have different priorities or values. Like, I know that were it not for who I am, some people wouldn't be my friend at all, but that's just it. If you "bring nothing to the table", not even basic kindness and decency, nobody is going to want to be your friend. Frankly, I don't want to be friends with people who value inane shit like how nice your haircut is, how well dressed you are, how attractive you are in general - some people won't even so much as be your friend or care about you if they think you're not good looking. My standards, comparatively, aren't that high. Don't be a fucking asshole. Don't act like an asshole. Seriously, just don't be an asshole, and we'll get along even if we're not all that close. But you're right, this isn't how the world works, and I realize it more and more every day: being attractive isn't just about getting laid, it's about getting people to like you at all. The ironic thing is most people I know, frankly, are like average at best. That's not a bad or good word, just a neutral one, but seriously if your life consists of work, netfflix binges and alcohol, do you really have the audacity to sit here and tell me you'll only be my friend if I'm super good looking?

Maybe he thinks that comment is from the OP since I (OP) mentioned literal mommy issues, but it actually wasn't.

Personally I go through pretty regular cycles of feeling good/social , and feeling very introverted. When I don't feel outgoing, when I need someone to talk to, everyone just disappears. It makes me feel like, what the hells the point? People only want to be around me when they can get some good emotions from me, and they vanish when I need anything. So why bother? Might as well shoot for fake friends through status and wealth if people are going to abandon me as soon as I feel sad anyway.

>So why bother? Might as well shoot for fake friends through status and wealth if people are going to abandon me as soon as I feel sad anyway.

I have the same thoughts constantly. Or like, people around me feel 'entitled' to good emotions from me, etc., but don't stop to consider that I've dealt with them when they feel like shit etc. It puts me off relationships entirely, people think so much about what others can do for them, they don't seem to stop and consider what they do for others. I've literally done so much for people who went and fucked me over, it's sickening. I totally like the idea of just gaining superficial, material status and then giving a middle finger to the people who wronged me after I "upgrade". But realistically, that probably won't happen.

Nearly all of human activity is driven by our natural instincs.
Survive, procreate, gathering resources.
Anyone who denies or tries to argue this, is an idiot.
>Muh individual interests and snowflakeness
Please stop.

I don't know user. I guess the solution is to treat friendships as purely transactional, as other people do? It seems so empty and Machiavellian that I don't even care to engage in it though. I'm used to solitude, so why go out of the way to cultivate fake relationships. I guess I want "real connections" but it feels like it doesn't really exist. Even your best friends will disappear if you stop "providing value".

You might just be the "small doses" friend, man..

Sounds pretty true I'm afraid.

>Nearly
Oooo boy that word is a circle of salt around your opinion that's stopping me from debating you user....

What do you mean?

We're literally trying to survive as a species by trying to escape to other planets because this one is no fun anymore or whatever.
But humor me friend, what other motivations are there for human activity?
You religious?

He's implying humans do things out of the good of their hearts or something vague like that.
Basically bleeding heart cultism.

It essentially means I agree with you user. Yeah a lot of what we do is for survival and procreation. Can't say everything, though. We do a lot of shit that's pretty meaningless and doesn't work towards those goals. Wtf am I doing in on a Friday night arguing on Jow Forums? Mental masturbation. That's about it.

But yeah man, I'm with you mostly... I'm a musician, I can talk all day about the power and beauty of music and the human need to create. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't learn in the first place to impress chicks.

Please. Do not answer for me. Especially when it hasn't been long enough that I may be gone.

>It essentially means I agree with you user. Yeah a lot of what we do is for survival and procreation. Can't say everything, though. We do a lot of shit that's pretty meaningless and doesn't work towards those goals. Wtf am I doing in on a Friday night arguing on Jow Forums? Mental masturbation. That's about it.
And that's exactly the reason why people feel bad for coming here, and doing the things you're describing.
Because it isn't in service of reaching homestasis in humans.
Just like everything else that's bad for you.

>But yeah man, I'm with you mostly... I'm a musician, I can talk all day about the power and beauty of music and the human need to create. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't learn in the first place to impress chicks.
What's more likely is you were biologically predisposed for musical elements or something like that, and it was easier for you than becoming an MMA fighter or whatever.
Look, I'm not saying these things are bad or trying to talk down peoples interests etc. But a lot of that stuff is very ungenuine, even to themselves.
Whatever man I'm just rambling anyway

I do photography as a hobby because it's fun. I could maybe use it to try and get with women but that's not why I do it. Some people really are in for the love of the craft.

And what is the reason you love it?

Ok.
If your car was broken down, you'd probably have lines of nonsexual relationships lining up to help you.

>Men act flaky and uninterested in friendship or casual hanging out unless they think a girl is gonna be there or better yet, it's with a girl
Get better friends and stop generalizing. I have a few great friends and they are almost as important as my girlfriend.