I've spent a lot of it me sitting in front of a computer screen. I've always wanted to be part of society, you know...

I've spent a lot of it me sitting in front of a computer screen. I've always wanted to be part of society, you know, actually having a life, a social life,friends, a career, a gf, a place of my own, a car. Being functional. I've made all of the wrong choices knowingly and destroyed my whole life? and I have no idea why.

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Costs money?

It's rarely too late to turn things around. All you have to do is start with getting a job.

I forgot to mention that I'm 28, I feel there's no redemption. I want to get serious, then I think of the lost time,and the time it'd take to get serious about life and get discouraged. Why did I fucking do this to myself?

And continue to do it to myself, I know what I have to do, and need to do, but I'd rather just indulge and barley get by

Cheer up! Life's no fun with that attitude...

By the way...I will level with you. I struggle too...

>I feel there's no redemption
You are wrong. You think you are the only person who would be a bit behind in a career?

Not in just a career, but life. WAy behind in life I need a better support system, because going to my parents to talk to them always turns into it being about them and their problems all while being defeatist and insulting towards me. I'd like to have someone to talk to that doesn't make everything into a one sided argument. I just wanted to talk about why I keep on making these bad life choices knowingly and willingly and putting myself in bad situations. I feel there's something wrong there, like somethings not clicking right in my brain..

It's not as deep as you think it is, which is actually fortunate. What isn't clicking right is that you've just been afraid of new things and seek comfort in things like your computer. A lot of people do. The key is to move beyond that. It starts with a job, and then it's about finding friends and moving in that general direction.

But what about me making the wrong choices and doing the wrong things knowingly that they aren't wise to do, and I'm just fucking my self and my life over and putting myself in bad situations? I'm I really that scared of change and something new that'd I'd sabotage my own existence and happiness for it?

You'd have to be specific user, but it sounds like all you want to do tonight is circle the same questions over and over again so that you can insist upon not changing.

Like knowing I'd have to pay rent, and make rent. A perfect example, like the money I spent out of my savings for beer, and other stupid shit. I knew I needed that money, I knew it was there for a safety net if anything went wrong, like the situation I'm in now. I knowingly spent it, I knew I was doing something wrong, I knew it'd bite me on the ass.

Why did I make that choice? Why did I get a new job and start taking the advantage that I was new and worked half ass and slow, Which ended up with me getting fired. Spending $20-$35 a day on beer, junk food, and $20 uber eats charges on mcdonalds. Barely having any money by the end of the week for any necessities.

Your parents fucked up. That's why. Their job was to raise a human that can love be loved and feel happiness ,not a depressed melancholic.
You suffer from bad memories like most of us. Inside your head there are some established patterns of relating to the world that are dysfunctional and produce a constant stream of anxiety and discontentment.

what about this then?

this was how the conversation was tonight. Me : Hey, I've noticed somethings about my self that are worrying me Them : ME ME ME ME ME YOU CAN'T DO THIS, YOU CAN'T DO THAT, YOU'RE NOT CAPABLE, THAT'S UNREALISTIC, NO NO NO, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GO THROUGH? YOU CAN'T DO IT BECAUSE "I" SAID. That's literally how the conversations go.

that's emotional abuse dude

Psychologists give this some fancy names like executive dysfunction. But every self defeating behavior is a repeat of a trauma pattern. That's neurosis.
You are not that different from the homeless guy that does drugs - his case is just more severe.

They can't bear the thought of them having fucked up. I bet this runs deep and they also couldn't stand any of your minor sufferings when you were a kid.

Can I chage these behaviors? Can I be better? or is there just such deep damage done where it can't be fixed? Even before making those decisions I would feel like "You shouldn't be doing this user and you know it, you have to pay rent, YOU. HAVE. TO. PAY. RENT.". So I know what I'm doing, so basically I'm an addict and I'm blocking rational to be under the influence or spending money. It's almost like a fucked up version of therepy because it makes me feel good, and knowing what I'm doing wrong and what the effects of it are in the long run. My parents would also really attack myself esteem, goals, dreams, people I hung out with, the way I dressed, anything to make me feel down. When they truly did wrong, or wanted me to shut up, that's when they bought me things or just abandoned me for the day.

It's like they've made me emotionally dependent on them, everything feeling, everything revolves around them and what I went though in the past and how my recent or future decisions will make them feel and what I'd eventually have to deal with from them.

> Can I be better?
Yes but it is very hard and takes time. Forget behavioral modification you need to attack it at the root. That means a relational approach through which you can revisit the old trauma and possibly heal. That's the job therapists do.
Alternatively find wholesome people with lots of time that you can have a stable relationship with and are willing to hear you for hours and hours. A lonely retiree could be a good candidate

I can feel I can fix it, I just need to acct on those "Don't do that" feelings more. Sometimes I have listened to my own intuition and seemed to break free for a while before I get sunk back into those bad self destructive behaviors. I actually think my problem now is that they've slithered back into my life after I've finally got out from under them. They started wanting to come over, bring me things and be around and I didn't like it. Of course there was always an aspect of control, like wanting to bring furniture I didn't want after telling them I didn't want it, or just coming over on the weekends. Like "we don't care if you want us here or not, but we're still going to be here", and almost feel bad when I want to say "no" when I know for a fact that they're just doing it to find a situation to dictate or bring me down. I was actually a lot better when I moved here, I was dieting, going to the gym, drinking less, was budgeting a lot smarter, and more serious with work. Them being around like triggered something in my brain again to start repeating these poor life decisions.

Minimizing contact with them is a given you shouldn't even think about it.

I don't really know I'm just rambling and trying to make sense of everything instead of telling myself that I'm really mentally fucked up from years of physical and emotional abuse.

Getting ruthlessly bullied and socially outcasted in my teens into my early 20's didn't help either.

You need help, just admit it. I'm not sure if this is something that can be fixed on your own. You're probably just going to keep fucking up until you're on the street and have nothing. You don't want to be homeless, you don't want to have income. You don't want to fuck your life up any further.

Maybe I didn't end up anything I wanted to be, or do what I wanted to do because of the lasting effects of the abuse from my parents? Is that why I developed an obsession with a celebrity too?

>instead of telling myself that I'm really mentally fucked up from years of physical and emotional abuse
You are but it's recoverable. Accept you were dealt a shitty hand, accept normal people had loving stable childhood that allow them to flourish

Literally yes. That's the whole point psychology and neuropsychology make, that you aren't 100% in control of your fate because you repeat/react to early patterns.

I want to flourish too, I want to fix myself. I want to be better, I want to not fuck up anymore and keep on being self destructive. I want to be happy, be loved and love.

I'm about to lose my place because of this. I can't find work and everything's falling apart. I don't want this for myself anymore.

But what if I'm just realizing these patterns and the wrong I'm doing isn't getting me anywhere? What if I'm getting the cause and effects of what I went through? Am I maturing? Am I getting better? Or am I going to fall into the same things and same behaviors over and over again? I feel sick to my stomach, but I also feel like I'm finally getting everything and I can start changing tomorrow.

No I don't think that intellectually realizing it is enough. You have to mend the damage by relating to others and feeling those feels you missed.
Maybe if you opt out of any escapism/distraction/addiction and self reflect enough you will come to feel the trauma again and heal up to a point.

I felt like working out and havign hobbies got my mind off things and made me feel better. Like I was moving on from my old self into a new one. I do know that being overweight and having addiction issues can add to depression and anxiety, which may or may not influence my decisions. I know the damage I went through, I know the cause, but I also feel like I'm lazy sometimes and make those bad choices willingly. Like today I should have got up and looked for jobs, but instead I literally told myself "nah, just sleep" when I know I'm about to lose everything and felt like my mind and body was fighting against its self to do the right thing. I've done A LOT of reflection, have been in and out of therapy and psychiatrists offices. I just want these "oh, I know what I should be doing better, and feel like I should, but I'd rather do this dumb shit" retardedness has to stop. I even get angry at myself. The last time I bought food and beer I literally got angry with myself thinking "Really you fucking idiot? You have perfectly fine food at the house, you're spending your money for no reason on stupid shit", I feel the same way about other things I do. I'm self aware, knowing what I'm doing wrong, just not taking the time and having the even slightest bit of self discipline to do the right thing.

You can't change it by willing it out. It's not a matter of discipline or surface level conscious awareness. Do you think the heroin addict doesn't know his habit will kill him? He does, but he has an equally powerful subconscious force that doesn't let him move forward

Yeah, and some addicts do what they can to get better facing what the future holds.

I feel like I can will it out, I'm willing to admit the damage and say that it's held me back. I think it's just I have to fight against it, have strong will power, and make the right decisions. Anything I've personally changed in my life was when I said "fuck it" put the shit behind me and went for it. That's how I got from under my parents, that's how I found my job, that's how I found a room for rent. I'm not saying I'm not fucked up, but I feel like with enough self discipline, and just getting off my ass, realizing these destructive behaviors that I may be able to make something better for myself.

I assume you’re a guy. Men peak in their 30’s. You have more than enough time to change yourself completely. Go to school if you’re not in school. It’ll only take 4 years. Do 2 years at a community college. Take physical activity classes while you’re in college. Work hard. You’ll still have time for your computer. Join clubs if you can, it’s how you make friends and meet girls.

And the overeating, and drinking is because of my issues with depression and addiction. Isolating myself I think comes from the abuse, along with the bullying I went through. Yeah, I'm an easy target for anyone, but have I really got anything but wasted time and more issues by doing nothing?

>men peak in their 30's
and this guy is 28, has nothing or anyone and is repeating self destructive behaviors that's going to end up making him homeless with nothing at all.

if you see your problems, know what you're doing wrong, and how to fix everything, what was the point of the fucking thread? to vent?

It was more about why I'm constantly making bad decisions while knowing that.

because you're getting what you want, and did for a while and now you're about to lose everything you want to backtrack and fix the problems and stupid shit you did to put yourself in this situation all while doing things YOU KNEW weren't in your best interest. Maybe you just need a good kick in the ass and someone to tell you to toughen up and get your shit together. Maybe losing everything is what you need so you get a culture shock and see what you've lost and won't have again unless you make the right choices. You're a whore for attention and sympathy.

because you're getting what you want, you got to splurge, eat out, drink, live it up and did for a while and now you're about to lose everything you want to backtrack and fix the problems and stupid shit you did to put yourself in this situation that YOU KNEW weren't in your best interest. maybe you just need a good kick in the ass and someone to tell you to toughen up and get your shit together. maybe losing everything is what you need so you get a culture shock and see what you've lost and won't have again or ever have unless you make the right choices. you're a whore for attention and sympathy.

Let me inspire you.
I'm severely mentally disabled.
I grew up in New Hampshire and was in one of those weird outcast cliques where none of us really fit into any other category.
Got heavy into drugs at 14
Got in legal trouble and moved to PA in much bigger school that was much more urban culture.
0 actual friends, just people I'd buy drugs from.
severe isolation all of highschool, lost virginity at 16 but that was old friend I visited in New Hampshire.
All of my days from 16 to 19 spent IN grandparents house getting high,porn, vidya, not driving because I kept failing drivers test and had a phobia of it

19 go to college and guess what, still isolate myself.
Dont get laid again until 22.ALso finally go back and get my license, teach myself to drive, very slowly get over driving phobias
22 get my first actual job at wharehouse, last 6 months before my addictions reached complete non functional levels and get fired.
Get clean, and make friends in recovery, get laid again 24, 2 seperate women.
Get 2nd job ever as busboy, fired after 2 weeks( this wasn't actually my fault tho)
Get 3rd job at shooting range for 3 months
4th job at super market
5th job as dishwasher but this was better money
Still live with grandma for 2 years, dad moves in because shes dying.
Grandma dies and although clean I'm still a porn, vidya addict. Get laid from 3 different women this year.
Finally get a job decent enough to live off of.
Finally move out and been on my own past 2 years and although I have severe resentments /niceguy syndrome from being a former incel, I still date and get laid at an average rate.
The point is we can feel stuck and hopeless.
Many nights I was in my head all night thinking things would never change.
You just need to go out an do it, it's that simple. Things get better. ( some conditions may apply. )

/thread

i'm not saying he has legit issues, but he's milking them, did some dumbshit and regrets it now that he's going to lose his place. idiot.

Op here, and the rent thing. I'm on a lease, it's not month to month.

then get another job as fast as possible. by the end of this week you'll have 3 weeks to make rent. if you dont some landlords will charge late fees

Yeah, I just don't want to make the same mistakes I was making again.
You might be right. Like the saying "don't play with fire or your getting burned", played, I'm about to get burned.

it's really not that hard to pay rent as a fat alcoholic, he'll likely manage but he still won't be happy. the problem isn't what you suggested; that he's losing everything he wants. the bigger problem is what he has now isn't actually what will make him happy long term but his brain is conditioned to make him think that's what he wants.

is that REALLY what he wants? or is that what he's told himself he wants and where he's made himself comfortable? he wants more and wants better I bet you, he NEEDS to get out of his comfort zone and has mentioned when he has things changed for the better,he may have been on the right track and now he's fucked up, about to lose everything and looking around him and within himself for something to blame. he's talked about on /mu/ about how he hates his life and wants better, he's just too comfy.

is that REALLY what he wants? or is that what he's told himself he wants and where he's made himself comfortable? he wants more and wants better I bet you, he NEEDS to get out of his comfort zone and has mentioned when he has things changed for the better,he may have been on the right track and now he's fucked up, about to lose everything and looking around him and within himself for something to blame. he's talked about on /mu/ about how he hates his life and wants better, he's just too comfy. he's wants to go back and tell himself "NAH DUDE WAIT DON'T BUY THAT EXPENSIVE BEER AND FOOD" even when he knew not too at the moment. self discipline.

t. doesn't understand mental Illness and thinks it's an excuse

yeah i came here from /mu/ as well. i'm fit and good at managing money but i'm an alcoholic and feel like a failure so i can relate to him. the hard truth is it really all comes down to self-discipline, but convincing your brain to do something it isn't comfortable with like making social connections or even just feeling regularly happy isn't easy for everyone. but i believe it is possible for everyone willing to push themselves.

Alright Brandon, I love you so I'm gonna be honest.
This guy is mostly right. You know that you're not living well and want to make changes, but you don't seem to realize the instant gratification and comfort you're getting from all these self-defeating behaviors. It sounds like your parents were way too sheltering, bordering on emotionally abusive, but that they always took care of all your material needs. You may never have been truly happy in life, but you've obviously never experienced real suffering, either. It may take losing your place and being homeless and hungry for awhile in order for you to separate yourself from the comforts of junk food, beer, vidya, porn, etc. because, to put it bluntly, you've forgotten how to live without those things.

This same tired trope again. The strongest motivator isn't fear, it's love. Fear based motivation only gets you the absolutely basic - and many times not even that.

I'm not saying its an excuse, I'm saying that he can overcome it and these issues. He has it in him.

>You know that you're not living well and want to make changes, but you don't seem to realize the instant gratification and comfort you're getting from all these self-defeating behaviors. It sounds like your parents were way too sheltering, bordering on emotionally abusive, but that they always took care of all your material needs.
Op here, you hit the nail on the fucking head.
>It may take losing your place and being homeless and hungry for awhile in order for you to separate yourself from the comforts of junk food, beer, vidya, porn, etc. because, to put it bluntly, you've forgotten how to live without those things.
I don't want to be homeless and lose everything, and I know I can live without those things and I have before. I've just got myself in another rut I put myself in.

fight hard and recognize the bad behaviors and overcome them with will. when you get that check, you need to tell yourself and remind yourself "IM NOT SPENDING THIS ON BEER AND JUNK FOOD" and save and budget. You can do it. I know you can.

Lavren probably believes in you and wants the best. DO IT FOR HER B, DO IT FOR HER.
(and yourself too of course)

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Brandon, you live in Richmond. Go to bed, wake up and walk around to any restaurant or bar you can find and see if they need help. Make a day of it. You have two days to get employed. Kroger might not hire you back either and I know that's what you've been waiting on.

bump