I think one thing that is never said in society that is absolutely true is that sometimes there isn't any coming back...

I think one thing that is never said in society that is absolutely true is that sometimes there isn't any coming back from having a shitty life and there is no fix.

>Born to a bipolar mother who was put in a psych ward for some of my early years, numbed out on lithium for the entirety of my life
>Father is a complete nutcase, used to chase me around the house and scare me so much id piss myself, I used to fantasize about caving his head in with a hammer
>If I could kill him and get away with it I probably would
>Loner in school, laughed at by teachers
>Most of my memories are blocked out due to abuse, it's all disjointed and hazy, barely remember anything
>Constantly jacked up and on guard, only time I'm ok is when I'm on my own with the door locked
>Terrible social skills, no confidence, genuinely despise myself
>My life on the surface isn't bad, tall, good-looking, engineering student, confident in interviews where I literally practice like I'm auditioning for a role, too autistic to "be myself'
>Can genuinely say that nothing would make me happy, a girlfriend, friends, money, power, I'll still be miserable

I've read countless books on therapy, self help, been in therapy for 7 years, 5-6 different therapists, tried SSRIs, don't drink alcohol or do drugs, eat healthy, exercise

I'm literally fucked beyond repair. I'm wasting oxygen being here

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Its okay man. Things do get better. Trust me.

Google "successful people with bad childhoods" and fine another excuse

Yeah because successful people are always happy

I was:

>top of my class in high school out of 120 students
>won awards for math and physics, was on the senior basketball team at 15 playing with 18-19 year olds
>captained the basketball team for my final two years of school
>Study electronic & computer engineering and have done three internships, have had a few recruiters contact me on LinkedIn with job offers that would put me in the 95th percentile for income for my age
>Set to inherit 6-7 rental properties, my parents want to pass them on to me once the mortgage is paid as they will have their pensions, means 40k of passive income a year for doing pretty much nothing
>Will more than likely be accepted into a top tier masters program based on my current results and research experience
>On top of all that I'm 6'3 tanned with broad shoulders, have had modelling offers, lost my virginity to a 9/10 and would have sex with her 2-3 times a day while in college
>Have women throwing themselves at me any time I go to a nightclub or bar, literally had a 7 grab me and start making out with me while I did literally nothing, another time i made eye contact with a girl, gestured for her to come over and was making out with her 20 seconds later, I've only been in nightclubs twice and that was my experience

What exactly do you think drives most of these successful people? I thought all that shit would help, it doesn't. I guess it's better than being depressed AND having nothing going for me, but not by that much. Being happy and having nothing going for me is better.

Mat 11:28-30 KJV
28) Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29) Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30) For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Joh 3:16 KJV
16) For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

First I felt bad for you because I went through the same but this post cringes me so much.

So, your 9/10 girl, you were not able to be in a relationship with cuz you are fucked in the head?

Society is a spook.
It's like a poker game, you can choose to join with nothing and win millions.
You can join with millions and go broke in 1 hand or watch it slowly evaporate while you play.
Or you can freely spectate and laugh at the idiots who are playing it, while eating some icecream.
The point is you have to find something about poker that you enjoy, even though it's a game rigged by a house edge, players who count cards or are just better players than you.

Forgot to add; sometimes a group of people who dislike poker so much, flip the table.
And then because humans are just made this way, they'll start a new game of blackjack because they realize any game is better than no game.

Wow man I'm really sorry for what you've been through. I wish I could take care of people like you and give emotional support but I know I'll never fill the void.

I genuinely don't know what could fix all that, but maybe time and as you grow wiser some of these traumas might fade away.

I hope you replace these terrible memories with good ones until you forget you even had that life.

Much love to you

Well the relationship was toxic and she was fucked up too, is that what you are asking me? I was miserable with her anyway, I'm just making the point that superficial things don't mean anything, it was just a sexual thing with her we weren't "boyfriend and girlfriend" if that's what you mean

What makes you cringe, I'm listing all this stupid bullshit that I did to try and feel better about myself and none of it worked, how the fuck can people say I'm making excuses, I'm not exactly a lazy neet spending all day jerking it in my mom's basement, that's the assumption people make. I'm probably autistic but I am high functioning if I am

Well, as I said I somewhat experienced more or less the same thing and I am fucked up too. Nonetheless, I got a high level degree in one of the best universities. People tell me all the time I am goodlooking, etc. But this doesn't matter to us. I know what you mean. You have an internal problem. That's why perhaps therapy will work. I am going to make an appointment myself in 2 weeks to get diagnosed and start some therapy.

Why I asked about your relationship is that it wouldn't be working because you might be a toxic person, and will pick a toxic girl for yourself in this state. Therefore fixing your internal problem is what you need right now. I believe you would bloom into an even better person than you are now, and have greater potentials.

And you are probably not autistic... just some undeveloped emotional support from your parents in your past and you don't know how to handle feelings.

You're a fucking tool honestly, you blow your bad experiences in life way out of proportion. Seriously the stuff you've gone through is such little baby shit. Get a grip.

You're weak. Look at all of these excuses you have made for yourself. Plenty of us have fucked up lives, but find a way to face advserity and overcome.

Are you really just ready to give up?

That's not true user what you have discovered is the mental health field is just shit. They peddle drugs and if a client has problems that are too difficult for them they usually just give up. I wish I could tell you a better way to get help but unfortunately there might not be. I think it may be helpful to know that you are not to blame for any of that user. You deserved to be treated with love but you weren't and acknowledging that is important. I think you should try to find love somewhere user I know it sounds cliche but it's what I am doing. It starts by being empathetic to yourself and not viewing yourself as a freak. People should not be diagnosed as mentally ill it is just a way of separating people into us vs them. If you are mentally ill you are a "freak" to society but the truth is you are perfectly fine the way you are user you just experienced some horrible shit and reacted like any human would. Deep inside a happy version of you is in there I know for me as well because I saw it in a lucid dream once. There is real love underneath all of the pain.

>I'm just making the point that superficial things don't mean anything
There is your answer user. You don't want superficial crap like status, wealth, sex you want something more than that and ironically it is one of the easiest things to give yet very few people really give it.

Only Sith deal in absolutes. Seriously though, people don't like claiming things absolutely because they want to hope that things can be better. That hope can last their entire life. If it keeps them going, I think it is good. Feel free to off yourself at your leisure. Take care.

About therapy. Could you tell me a bit more about your experience with it ? Specifically :

- Which type of therapy did you tried ?
- Which kind of books about therapy did you read ?
- Did any of these resulted in something positive for you ?
- What was the problem about these ?

Also, unrelated questions:

- Do you have any people in your life who you love and who you can trust ?
- How did your mental health evolved over time, in your life ? Ups and downs ? Did it worsen ? Did it improved ?

* who love you

Have you tried psychadelics?
FDA is hard at work legalizing it. In fact they just released a ketamine nose spray on march 5th for treatment of treatment resistant depression.

It's been said by resreachers on this work right now "shrooms can do in an hour what ssris take years to accomplish"

Mdma for trauma, shrooms for motivtion and depression.

Also, do you have anything that makes you really happy when you do it ?

I am not OP but I am in therapy it has been somewhat helpful to me but I do have some warnings. First of all some therapists are legit psychopathic and perverse so watch out for that. Also psychiatry is a scam for peddling drugs. I was actually really disappointed the first thing I was offered when going to my doctor was to take anti-depressants I refused. Also my therapist eventually recommended it to me as well I refused again. You have to realize that you are not chemically imbalanced that is a meme designed to make normies feel better about "mentally ill" people it is not designed to help the mentally ill. It is much easier for normies to believe people are just chemically imbalanced and fucked up in the head than to accept that they were spiritually and emotionally wounded especially as children. It's so much more frightening to face that reality. Therapy can be helpful but just be careful user the mental health field is kind of fucked and you need to look out for yourself. Never tell them you are planning to kill yourself because they will arrest you it is seen as a crime by society to want to die. I do not have many people I can trust but I have told some people I am depressed and they were surprisingly caring towards me so I think I do have people who love me but I don't always feel I do. My mental health has been bad but it is getting better and I won't lie therapy has been helpful but mostly because of what I put into it.

Look, I'm going to be a horrible human being here, but I believe it to be the highest truth about any psychological related problem:

That only escalated the way it did because you let it.

Now let me explain.
Your life and the people surrounding it sure were awful and despicable, but answer me this: are they still there to fuck with you or can you do something about it?

Think of it this way, depression is a tree in your brain. In fact, everything inside there is a tree. The more you water a tree, the bigger it gets.
Those brain-trees grow with attention. Be it not wanting it or anything else, if you think about it in any regard, it grows.

What do you do? You cut the water.
You know how when you blast your drums with music you tend to forget about anything else? Do that but with more things, EVEN IF YOU DON'T NECESSARILY NEED OR WANT THEM, JUST DO STUFF.
Feeling down? Fuck that, Imma do chores, Imma jog, Imma listen to music real fucking loud. Anything to cut that tree's source of nutrition.

I don't claim to know how to cure mental illnesses, but I do think that all those antidepressants serve the same purpose I stated, but are less effective because you aren't necessarily doing anything else to move your life, just popping pills. They do help, but they are temporary band-aids to a bigger wound that keeps on bleeding.

Yeah, I asked these questions, because I've got some sad and lack of motivation and meaning for some years (no way near OP's severity, though)
And in my case, having people who can support me (for me, family, but can probably be a therapy group, or friends or something), the right kind of therapy, having something I like to do that get me in the "zone", and aknowledging my advances where all key for a better mental health for me in the long run.
Also, facing my fears and problems and trying to solve them but it was mostly therapy which allowed me to do that.

>I refused
Yeah, me too, i feared addiction. I did tried some vitamins, tho (which were also offered because I ate badly)

>mental health field is kind of fucked and you need to look out for yourself
I never personnally emcountred fucked therapists, but, sure not all therapy/ therapists are for you.

>you are planning to kill yourself
I hope you're doing better now :)

>therapy has been helpful but mostly because of what I put into it
That's the thing, therapists can guide you and points out some problems, but you have to do the work yourself.

Anyway, if you read this, OP, my uninformed advices are:

- a support group
- a hobby you really like doing, ideally with some friends and outside your bedroom
- eat healthy, sleep well, exercise, ect...
- A therapy that works for you (have you tried EMDR, or TRE therapy ? They are both aimed against PTSD but works for less severe problems)
- Don't bother yourself too much if you fall short of your expectations, but keep trying

good luck.

I wouldn't say it's because you let it but I think you are pretty much spot on. I think it is more accurate to say your unconscious is driving you to remain depressed. The reality about the human mind is that you aren't really alone up there in your noggin. The idea that the ego is all there is up there is an illusion. There is a vast landscape underneath your ego that is driving much of your life but if you can acknowledge it and do as you describe I think it will play a big part in helping with depression.

>never personnally emcountred fucked therapists
Me either but you do hear about them from some experiences. It's just a word of warning for me. Definitely avoid drugs though they don't even really know what the drugs do it is why they say vague things like "chemical imbalance"

>I think it is more accurate to say your unconscious is driving you to remain depressed.
Did you know your unconscious part of the brain can be trained as much as the other way around?
Usually people let their subconscious take charge and say things like "it's not my fault, it's subconscious"

Well you know what's not subconscious? Your arms and legs.
Even if you think you are trash, go out there and do shit regardless and come back feeling proud you overcame the subconscious overlords.

>Usually people let their subconscious take charge and say things like "it's not my fault, it's subconscious"
Well that's just foolish because the subconscious is part of you it just isn't "you" as most people think of "you" That is what I meant though that you must learn to integrate it not let it rule you. So maybe what you said is the right way of wording it but it is probably more normal to let your unconscious rule you even for supposedly mentally healthy people.

It is more normal.
You know what's becoming more normal also? Depression rates.

It's completely fine and normal to feel like trash, but it only becomes true when you make that inside feeling and make it an outside reality out of your own volition.
People really need to stop finding excuses (that HISTORICALLY never went anywhere for anyone) and start focusing on literally anything else.
Anything else is better than a lie.

I don't really agree they are excuses. If you hold yourself accountable for things you didn't cause like trauma then you will only suffer more. You are correct that you can't make excuses for things like not going to work or not trying to get better. It is something you have to do yourself but you can't blame yourself for everything.

>just emulate successful people and you'll win!

A+ advice faggot

Oh wait that's not what I meant.
I meant that trying to find reasons for why you are the way you are, never did and never will give you any semblance of results. It's, by the literal sense of the word, useless.
So instead of discussing something that has no answer, ignore it and do anything else. Anything else will be more productive than being a hardass with something this fruitless.

Those things you stated are just normal every day things that happen. If someone stops their life because they did any of those once, they are simply giving way too much importance to it. It's just a case of giving the wrong amount of importance to things (much like Jow Forums with women).

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Ah okay I see what you are saying user yeah that is definitely true. I have spent many days obsessing and ruminating over things that make me anxious but a lot of times it never leads anywhere. Usually like you are saying it is most helpful to just do something else.

Glad to see it helped.

Oh wow what a shitty life like ebin bad

"boo hoo why am I a 8/10 instead of a 9/10 better kys"

Looking at this it just looks like you desperately need to let go of things.

Spiritual awakening and all that is definitely recomended, but learning to let go of shit first.

> trying to find reasons for why you are the way you are, never did and never will give you any semblance of results

Not him, but what helped me was to do shit AND to try to know where do my problem come from.

The second part helped me in several ways:
- Sometimes it made me realize (emotionnally) that the environnement that participated to make me like this was long gone, and I could let go some bad habits and fears.
- Sometimes, something what tied to one particular memory, and I could, kind of, comfort and "hug" the child that was hurt at that paticular moment.
- Other times, I could realize that I lack something that I should have learned as a child, and look up some ways to learn it now
- Also, I could in some ways blame some circumstances for my problems, which make me feel better and give me more energy and optimism to actually improve.

So yeah, doing shit, and trying to know where do things came from should both be used to solve your problems, imo.

What I read, in order:
- Doing things is good.
- Doing things gives mental estability to shake things off
- Doing things make me grow
- Doing things makes me understand how things work between each other

I get all these were revelations you had because of it and that's nice, but do worry about which tree you are watering.
Although those were good thoughts, how are they gonna serve you? To what end do you think of them?

Don't get me wrong, those where real good insights, but don't fuel the habit of over analysing things.
Let that tree grow, but keep it a bonsai.