TL;DR - Friends stopped talking to me for wanting to stop working for about 7-8 years to have children. Am I being a lunatic?
I have a group of friends since high school. We're really close. I went to a private high school with a scholarship, I'm pretty smart and worked really hard so I was in a lot of the classes for the best students and I made friends with girls in those classes. A lot of the girls who went there are very competitive, career driven girls. Two of them are doctors, one of them is a lawyer, one is in finance. Despite being admitted to medschool, I decided to opt for something less time consuming because I want to have children. I had a scholarship, I graduated with amazing grades, and now make a pretty decent living making roughly 65k$/year. I got married when I was 26. My husband is pretty well off. I'm 29 now. I'm pregnant with my first, and we'd like to have a couple more. We can afford it. We have the house fully paid, no debt, and money saved. My job is extremely niche and in high request so I can go back to work easily if needed. It's not a career job and I never intended it to be. My friends told me I'm being a lunatic for wanting to stop working for a few years for homemaking. They stopped talking to me after I got pregnant, basically. Are they out of their fucking mind, or am I?
>Are they out of their fucking mind, or am I? I can almost certainly say that they are jelly because you are happy and found something good in your life fullfilling a motherly sentiment.
If you are happy, who gives a flying fuck what your friends think?
I lost 4 friends I had for 15 years. I do care.
They never really cared for kids. They have awesome jobs. I don't think they're jelly. I just feel really judged...
>Am I being a lunatic?
No, you just violated their conceptual rules of being a modern woman. A lunatic no? A traitor to empowered feminism? Yep.
Isn't it mostly about me deciding for myself? Because I entirely chose this for myself and my husband allowed me to take time off work (also thanks to his salary) - this is the life I wanted to make way before meeting my husband. They know it, even. It's not a big surprise.
This doesn't sound real. I hardly believe that your supposed friends of over a decade would terminate your relationship because they disagree with your career path. If it took that little for them to stop talking to you I doubt your friendship with them would of lasted past a few months. Your story doesn't add up. Either this is completely made up or there is something about your relationship with these women that you're not telling us.
No, it's because you decided something that goes against their beliefs. Your description of them is that they've swallowed the empowered "women can have it all" narrative, but you're choosing to give up your career.
You, by their narrative ... are part of the patriarchy that they're opposed to.
We had a huge argument about this, it's not like they stopped overnight out of nowhere. They said that me going to college was a waste of time, that I put a lot of effort in my education and taking so much time off work is going to kill my career (I don't really have a job that is particularly career oriented so while it might not be amazing it won't ruin it entirely), that my husband was pressuring me and we should share thing more equally (I don't want to).
I still don't believe you. As I said, if your relationship with these women were anything near as long or as close as you portrayed it to be then it took a lot more than them simply disagreeing with your career path to end it. This doesn't make sense. Like I said, there's either something about the build up to this huge argument that you're not telling us, this is completely made up, or these women were barely your friends to begin with. It makes zero sense that your friends of almost two decades terminated your relationship because you're not working the job that they want you to work. This all sounds very suspiciously one sided, almost as if this story were specifically tailored in a way that leaves everybody no option but to agree with you.
Sorry Op nothing wrong here, I have a friend, she's so down to earth, kind, friendly, always helpful and not stuck in her teeny phase of partying or social media. Her friends are the complete opposite and slowly drift away from her too, she deserves better, you do too. These women are toxic and were never truly friends, maybe someday they'll realize how they messed up and apologize to you.
Some women are just beasts
This I'm guessing they were done with your shit, but "I'm a stay at home wife" was the end
We drifted apart a little bit because I'm obviously spending more time with my husband and they're busy with their jobs, but we're still good friends. They were my bridesmaids, I made time to see them often, I messaged them often. We always helped each other through school, university and even at our jobs now (I work in healthcare so I worked with one of the doctors). I don't know if I did something in particular to annoy them, but beside... being happy with my life I guess, I didn't do anything in particular.
How do you plan on paying for these children without a job? You gonna force your partner into wage slavery so that you can sit at home and watch tv while you fold laundry and call it "even"?
You a basic ass bitch. I'd drop you as a friend too for being so narrow.
Don't listen to this dumbass either, people be jealous, you've got to move on.
My husband made almost 300k$ last year. I doubt my kids are going to starve. If I need to go back to work to provide for them, I will. I'd rather take care of my kids myself at least till they go to primary school. It has a very beneficial impact on them.
>it has a beneficial impact on them She said, unironically being the kind of person who takes child advice from Jow Forums and who is completely convinced her friends left her because she wants to rear her children, and not because she's a pedantic nuisance with a chip on her shoulder who waves her husband's income and her private schooling whenever the opportunities present themselves.
>I don't know if I did something in particular to annoy them, but beside... being happy with my life I guess, I didn't do anything in particular. Something else is happening here. The event you're describing sounds a lot more like the straw that broke the camel's back then one, huge unforgivable event. It seems as though even you may not be aware of the real reason they don't want to be friends with you anymore. Either way, its much, much bigger then simply their disagreement with your career choice.
Oh god, not only are you going to make your husband a wage slave, but you also gonna home-school your kids so that they grow up weird and socially retarded and not knowing how to make friends.
Your friends are idiots. It only gets harder for women to have kids as they age. When they are 37 and trying to do in vitro, I think they’ll see that you were right all along.
I don't know, beside drifting apart a little bit after I got married I don't see anything major. The only thing I can see them disliking is that they don't like how much I'm into my husband? I can see that being annoying.
>husband works high paying job since before I met him >it's somehow my fault
I'm not homeschooling my kids, primary school is elementary school.
yeah, but by putting ALL the financial pressure on your husband to keep and maintain his role means he's no longer free to take another position, or relocate or do anything that he MAY WANT TO because he's enslaved to you and your spawn. He won't have a choice. He either gets fed up and goes AWOL after years of slavery, or he swallows it and resigns himself to his permanent lot in life.
Your lazy ass needs to stay at work. Go down to part time, if you must, but don't be putting him in a position where he is completely responsible for keeping you all afloat.
Have a whole mess load of kids, if your egg timer is running out and they're about to sour. But keep working and help your man out.
>The only thing I can see them disliking is that they don't like how much I'm into my husband? I can see that being annoying. It is my opinion, judging from my brief conversation with you, that you are extremely oblivious. You seem very aware of all the reasons your life is great and your decisions are valid and your husband is amazing yet you have absolutely no idea why three of your best friends, people you claim to be extremely close to and have known for almost 20 years would want to stop being friends with you. You don't strike me as a very self-aware person and I suspect this has a lot to do with the reasons your friends distanced themselves from you. On top of that, you specifically came here to tell this story in such a loaded way that any reasonable person would have no choice but to agree with you. That kind of purposeful manipulation in addition with the fact that you can't for a moment even pretend to look at the situation from your friends' perspective says to me that you aren't a very good friend for reasons that go much farther than your career choice. You just don't come across as empathetic to anybody to me. The only information you've managed to provide this entire thread are just very convenient reasons why your friends are irrational, judgmental assholes and why you've done or said nothing wrong. That on its own is suspicious beyond belief.
Lets try to stick to rational advice and analysis, guys. You have no idea what kind of relationship these two have or what kind of man her husband is. For all you know, its been his dream to make lots of money and build a giant family. You have no idea what his position on the matter is. Any feelings of frustration or slavery you're getting from this story are ones you have inserted into it yourself. This is not a defense of OP. She doesn't seem like a very decent person at all but projecting your negative feelings about being the sole bread winner in a marriage onto someone who isn't here to either agree or disagree with your perspective is counter-productive.
They're out of their minds. You're doing all the right things. They're terrible for not respecting your perfectly reasonable and healthy lifestyle choice. You're basically doing this as late as physically possible. If you plan to have a multiple children, this is about as late as you can start on that. Good luck and be confident in what you are doing.
Your friends are pic related. Jealous at best. Crabs at worst.
Being burdened with co-dependency doesn't seem rational to argue against? I don't care what OP's situation is like - it's true that he WILL be the family donkey and carry it on his shoulders for the rest of his life. She will stay home and sleep on the couch and maybe make the kids a grilled cheese when she feels like it while he's stuck in a position where he can't move from. OP obviously considered this fact and is ok with it - but is he? Did she ask if he's ok with wearing those shackles for the rest of his natural life?
>Being burdened with co-dependency doesn't seem rational to argue against? Assuming that her husband is an unwilling participant in his relationship dynamic and using that as the basis for your argument is not rational, no. The only thing that you could rationally argue is that if you were in his position you would feel trapped. That is completely valid but we're not talking about you. We're talking about a man you know nothing about and who isn't present to tell you. You have no clue whether or not her husband would feel the same way and you have no evidence to provide that he would. Like I said, for all you know its been his dream to make lots of money and take care of a house full of children and a stay at home wife.
>Did she ask if he's ok with wearing those shackles for the rest of his natural life? Again, you're making assumptions about their relationship dynamic based on absolutely nothing but your own personal feelings.
the wife should go to work and make money while the husband stays at home. it it ain't about op wanting to be a lazy parasite off of the husband the rest of her life, then she should be fine with the idea of the role reversal.
get a job op. make some money to contribute your share.
>parasite wife wants dat gold and lux life
And again, you're assuming that he DOES want to do all this and is perfectly happy about without YOU knowing. I guarantee that if OP had fully discussed all of this with her husband, she would NOT be here on Jow Forums asking us for our opinions about what her friends have to say.
They would both be confident in their life choices because they made this decision together and move forward despite what others have to say. But she's not, because she hasn't. She's here looking for validation and somebody like you to pat her on the back and tell her that she's totally correct for thinking this way.
She needs to keep a job. ANY job. Something that contributes besides doing the laundry. What happens if husband gets laid off? What if he gets sick and has to take time off of work? What happens if husband goes AWOL with his hot side piece in florida and leaves here with the brats? What is she going to do? How is she going to feed herself and them?
>How is she going to feed herself and them? It's almost like we don't have savings and shared property that is half in my name, I'm not entitled to child support, and I'm incapable of getting a job ever again. If I ever need to, I can get a job. I don't need to and right now my husband and I don't think it is the best for us.
so why are you here?
>And again, you're assuming that he DOES want to do all this and is perfectly happy about without YOU knowing. False. The only one who has made any arguments or assumptions about their relationship dynamic is you. I have repeatedly said that none of us have any idea how he feels on the matter. The extent of my communication has been with OP about her life and her decisions because she's the one in this thread to speak for herself, not her husband.
>I guarantee that if OP had fully discussed all of this with her husband, she would NOT be here on Jow Forums asking us for our opinions about what her friends have to say. Not only is this another assumption but it makes no sense. I hardly see how OP's brittle relationship with her high school friends and the type of relationship dynamic and family planning she's settled on with her husband are connected. There has been zero information provided in this thread that would suggest they are.
>She needs to keep a job. ANY job. Something that contributes besides doing the laundry. What happens if husband gets laid off? What if he gets sick and has to take time off of work? What happens if husband goes AWOL with his hot side piece in florida and leaves here with the brats? What is she going to do? How is she going to feed herself and them? Again, you have no idea what their lives consist of. You don't know what they've discussed behind closed doors. You have no idea whether or not this is something that her and her husband have planned for or had conversations about. Your argument is based solely on the assumption that OP is a leech and her husband is some kind of enslaved victim because that's the dynamic that you want to see. I'm assuming you're just another Jow Forums drop-out that insists on twisting reality in every context to demonize women as much as possible. The thing is, you may even be correct. The fact remains, however, that you have no clue what you're talking about.
He can. I can re-enter the work force, I'm not opposed to it if he wants to. He knows that. It's silly to go part time and make maybe 30k$, and then spending the same amount on nursery (nursery is roughly 200$/week per kid where I live), while also giving a worse upbringing to my kids. I plan to go back to working when my kids go to school because I actually love my job.
There's one user who is giving me really good advice, mostly talking to him.
We've been pretty good friends for years and I really do care about them. I don't know if I've been completely off and self centered, or if we just are in such different places in our lives that I can't even comprehend where they're coming from anymore. I might have been self centered, my life has been changing really drastically lately and I had a kinda single track mind about the whole thing. The reason why we argued is the jobs, but probably you're right and it was just the last drop, and I just didn't see it coming because I was caught up in other shit.
That's what they thought.
Interesting, you are clearly a manipulative individual, even impersonating as another user to steer the conversation back to your original question.
You dropped the ball at the question is why engage in this behaviour here when you could of simply asked everyone here to go back to the original topic? You made the effort of pretending to be another user, even calling yourself a not so decent person to prevent people knowing it is you.
You are also narcissistic, a lot of the information here is not needed to help your issue (for example: I'm pretty smart, I was in a lot of the classes for the best students, we have the house fully paid, no debt and money saved etc.) but you said it anyway due to your nature.
Manipulative and narcissistic, quite common in those from high class families since it requires a lack of empathy and self-awareness to be in your position in the first place.
Judging from this and your friends behaviours, I can say it is because you are no longer a benefit to them as they are the same as you, you benefited from them being your friends but since you have since left a position and told them you are not going back into it for 8 years, you are not worth their time anymore.
Want to do a shit test? Say to them you have decided to give up having children and have gone back to your career, see how quickly they jump to be your friend again then.
>even impersonating as another user to steer the conversation back to your original question Nope, sorry. Pic related.
>a lot of the information here is not needed to help your issue I thought the information was relevant. The fact that I did well in school is relevant because I'm someone who did well academically, and has potential career wise. The house matters because it explains how we're in the financial position to stop working because we're not in debt.
>high class families Actually pretty lower-middle class background. Worked my ass off all my life to be where I am at.
This happens a lot these days I’m afraid. I get laughed at by my female friends for wanting the same thing. I feel like they see women striving for good jobs as progress and any women who goes against that mould is actively working against them. They forget that equality means equality for all including those women who want to stay at home and raise their children. You’re not out of your mind, sadly this is just the harsh reality of wanting to play a more traditional female role in 2019. If we aren’t with them, we are against them. It’s all a bit pathetic
Another femanon here, can confirm that this DOES happen. I was even watching some shit online recently about trad women being rejected by other women because a lot want to be stay at home moms and feminists don’t agree with it.
I’m constantly getting asked if I’m in an abusive controlling relationship because I tell my female friends and coworkers that I want to stay at home and raise my husbands children and do the housekeeping when we are ready.