Is this gud Song/poem

I wrote this, critique please.

Let's dive right in with our heads front first
We can find out who gets hurt the most
And I'm just fine with your tragic backstory
It's not like mine wouldnt cause a little worry

everyone I tell says run like hell
But you're the best thing I've ever found

(Chourus)You know you are such a beautiful disaster
And I'm not quite sure if you want an ever after
but please just know
You're the only reason I stick around.
Nothing else Is here in this one horse ghost town.

I love hearing all your stupid stories
And you still smile even when I'm boring
Do you want flowers I don't know I'm doubtful
Do you like cliche words cause I've got mouthfuls

Everyone I tell says run like hell but you're the best thing I've ever found.

(Chourus)

Attached: 45206611_1107071146109401_371040871786741760_n.jpg (960x858, 54K)

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/watch?v=pWh4O6ujK4o
youtu.be/0c_mhrB7LlQ
twitter.com/AnonBabble

>Is this gud Song/poem
No.

Gay

> beautiful disaster

find something better than that, it's cliche and super 2000s pop punk.

>Do you like cliche words cause I've got mouthfuls

i see you try to save it, i like the idea of this line but it could be modified

Exactly.

>Is this gud Song/poem

Attached: giphy-2.gif (480x277, 2.62M)

I'm heavily influenced by that kind of music.
I listen to almost everything but despise newer music for the most part and have reverted to the emo pop punk era.
Litteraly everything on the radio is electronic now. The music. The vocals heavily edited. the lyrics are even more grade school than mine..

Are you writing this to a 15 yo? Geez

Please please please look up some books or guides or scholarly articles on prose, do your research on the arts. Natural born talent is not real, nobody comes out the womb talented, they had resources and worked and learned on how to become artists.

Attached: 54433608_10218692325167555_4807104990285922304_n.jpg (640x953, 69K)

I’m sorry Patrick Stump I promise I won’t let you down again

try not listening to the radio and search spotify/youtube/sound cloud for more unique artists, and add an extra layer of catchyness to it.

not OP but do you have suggestions? I always wanted to write songs but suck at it even though my vocabulary is alright

lmao

This fucking suck ass.
But so does a lot of hit songs. Make a catchy simple tune and all the dummies will love it I’m sure.

Listen to better rap
>youtube.com/watch?v=pWh4O6ujK4o

That doesnt like rap at all

Maybe if it was
Chains, gangs fangs SCOO SCOO
12 year olds, give me brain SCOo Scoo
Looken like a doodle bear
Take so much xan I dont care
SCOO SCOO

My man, you're either 12 or you're writing to a 12 year old.

I get that you're trying to be emo and that's fine, but this is just too cliche and very extra.

As a song though, whether it's good depends largely on Melody and delivery, plenty of shit lyrics have been good songs.

Can you give me an example of deep song lyrics you like?

This isn’t too bad. It’s very personal to you obviously. I’d only make a few minor changes

Cut out the ‘front’ in the first line, its sort of ugly to read. I’d try rhyming hurt with first in the first verse as well.
And cut out the ‘words’ after cliche. We already know it’s verbal cliches when mouthfuls is read. I think that will help it flow a little easier.

Listen to this.

youtu.be/0c_mhrB7LlQ

You're welcome.

beautiful

Yeah it's not done yet, unless i fill in a. Bunch of instrumental stuff and flow it slowly. Writing is hard af sometimes and something catchy might come to you but then you just go blank with anything followup