Has anyone here had any success just being friends with someone they have feelings for...

Has anyone here had any success just being friends with someone they have feelings for? I worry that I'm going to end up bitter and resentful and I really don't want that

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Honestly no, but I'm only one person. The problem with me is definitely that the guy tried to take advantage of me after he broke up with me. He started contacting me when he wanted emotional support. I tried to set boundaries but eventually I just stopped talking to him. It was torture really, I wanted to help him but he'd already been so fucked up and treated me like I was completely worthless so I didn't want to do anything so emotional with him. For me, supporting someone is so intimate.
Be very careful about how this person treats you. Lots of people will reject you because they don't want a real relationship with you, but they will take advantage of your feelings and try to act in a semi-relationship capacity with you. This is very confusing. It will only lead to false hope for a relationship down the road and disappointment. Don't fall into the trap.

I would bet my life savings you don't know the value of a dollar bill

let alone a person

I'm sorry to hear that user. People like that are awful. I can't say that I'm being taken advantage of, but I think I would be upset if I saw her with another guy. It's unfortunate, I was honestly hoping I wouldn't develop any feelings like this.

Fuck you. I tried to be a friend to him. I told him to see a therapist, that he needed to change his lifestyle to help with his depression and anxiety.
But I wasn't his gf. I wasn't going to spend hours listening to his problems and bonding. He dumped me and told me he wanted to date other people. He didn't want to even talk to me when he broke up with me. He was already trying to date else!
I don't have to sacrifice myself for someone who doesn't give a shit about me.

No, and you’re a fool to continue this charade. Either quit bow or watch your heart get ripped out when she gets fucked by a guy she likes.

I do
I fell in love with my now-best friend, she was with someone when we met and she's still with him
it's been three years since, I'm in-and-out of love 4 times, she's always there to support me

yes, she knows about my feelings
and yes, we've talked about it

I'm grateful she's my best friend and that goes the other way

No, this is a bad idea. Maybe if it's just a little crush, idk. but I have had on and off feelings for this one girl for years, it's like every time she visits from college it gets worst. a few months ago she started fucking the one guy she would always complain to me about being rapey. that's when it hit me, she loved the attention i gave her and she is a whore. slowly breaking that shit off cuz every other time i tried she just told every time i hit her or forced my hands down her pants or some shit. fuck life

I feel like the fact she was in a relationship and still is in one makes it easier desu

Depends on the crush and the crushee desu. I can handle it most of the time but some girls do string you along and shit. Not all of them obviously. Is their friendship worth that much OP? I was in your position last year and cutting her off has been real good for my mental health.

you may have a point
I'm not looking to go further than friendship but when the day she breaks up with her bf comes, I might go full retard
that scares me, I could have her by my side or I could loose her

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Bump because I also want to know how. Met this girl a couple of months ago. We share a ridiculous amount of interests. Really have never met someone who I had so much in common with me, especially not a woman. I really enjoy my time with her when we hang out, because contrary to most of my friends I have the feeling I can talk to her about anything and she will actually respond and (maybe act like) be interested in what I have to say. It sucks because I would be happy with just being friends, and I have the feeling I am completely happy with being friends while talking to her, but when I haven't spoken to her for like a day I start thinking about her for no reason. It's like it's starting to become an obsession. When I ask her if she wants to got do something most of the time she says yes and we have fun and stuff, but somtimes she is doing something with other guy friends and then she just says no and I feel bad.

In a couple of months ill be going to a big event with her and some friends, which I already paid for, so trying to reduce contact right now would be bad timing, plus I would feel bad for her considering she does see me as one of her friends(maybe not a good friend, but still a friend).

What should I do? Should I reduce contact? Should I wait until after the event to reduce contact? I don't even want to reduce contact because I am quite lonely, and I don't want a from my perspective good friendship to end. Maybe if I wait long enough the feelings will go away and I can stay just friends? I need advice.

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Thoughtful response.

No the best thing imo is to stop talking to them to get time away to reset your brains and feelings

Yeah. I wasn't really looking to push a relationship and loving someone doesn't mean you have to own all their time or whatever. Imo, they can do their own thing. If you love them, you'd be happy if they're happy without the need of reciprocity. Not saying feelings of bitterness or resentment means you don't love them but yeah, you don't really need to dtr.

Why don't you ask her out?
If she's spending time with you, she probably doesn't think too badly of you.

Worse thing that'll happens is she'll say no and after some space you can get to being friends? It's easier to move on when you know where you both stand.

I sorta kinda did. She rejected me two times. Sorry I forgot to mention this.

In the same situation as you. In all reality, if we can't get over our feelings, every hangout is going to have some sort of implied possibility in our heads whether we like it or not. Although the difference between me and you is that I think I would actually have an easier time getting over her if she decided to actually date one of her orbiters. The problem in my case is she has way too high insecurities and is slightly autistic so she runs from any conflict and pretends that nothing happened because she thinks if she loses a single friend her life will be over. Hell, I might have gotten over our issues sooner/easier if she would have just talked to me when I opened up instead of shutting me and my feelings on the situation out.

Honestly it'll just eat you up inside. Go to the event and then distance yourself. You'll feel like shit and you'll feel so alone but you're probably not gonna feel that way for too long. Yeah it'll suck for her to lose a friend but you gotta do what's right for you 1st. Trust me you'll get over it, but you can't keep hanging around her.

Hey maybe you can be friends again in the future but you have to get into the headspace that you're not meant to be together. I was literally in your place this past year. Went to a music fest with her/shared a tent/made out a bit but the let's just be friends thing came out. Felt like shit for 7 months, tried the friend route and it didn't work. I nearly died last week and honestly it sort of snapped me out of the whole thing. Like do what's best for you, you're the protagonist in your own story. You'll probably feel guilty about distancing yourself but if she's a good friend she'll understand.

I've done this and it does work, taking "time off" so to speak. Have to cut all contact completely, and it does take a while (a few months) but the daily thoughts and worries turn into once a week if that, and a longer time means even less thoughts again. But still every so often she pops into one of my dreams and I'm reminded. But to be expected I guess, I've known mine for probably 15 years at this point.

And meeting up again after forgetting just resets everything, the feels and worries come back just as before, been there a few times.

The girl you like also has orbiters she hangs out with? Same here. Some of the guys she hangs out with are literally people who told her they liked her. I understand what you mean. If she had a bf it would probably make things easier. I would probably feel bad for a while though(probably longer). When I asked her if she had a boyfriend some time ago she actually said yes, but in reality this wasn't true(her saying this was enough of a "not interested" signal). I recently found out it wasn't true so that is why I started getting feelings again.

Asking her out is not an option, she would probably consider it a friend thing, and if I try to do anything more I would get shut down quick and probably endanger our friendship.

It's probably best if we just distance ourselves from these girls if the feelings don't go away. Life is too short to orbit someone you are incredibly compatible with, only for her to end up with some other guy. It will wrek you and make you insecure (why diden't she choose me, etc).

Thank you for your reply. I agree with what you are saying. I sort of came to this conclusion myself but I have no idea if it would be a smart thing to do, but you saying this makes me think so. Thank you.

What happened last week? How did you almost die?

Stop letting yourself feel things for people who will never feel the same about you.

I was once in a very similar situation.
>Knew this girl since when we were both young
>had always acknowledged we'd be good together.
>spent years feeling heartache over this girl, didn't chase after tail for my freshman and sophomore year in college because I thought we had a chance
>decide that I've just had enough of the constant sadness and frustration that this girl would never love me the way I loved her
>cut off communication, stop reaching out to her completely
>spend my junior and senior years of college actually having fun and healthy interactions with the opposite sex
>have fantastic gf now
>girl I grew up with is still single and bitter. Aspires to be a "wine aunt" because nobody will love her

Better yourself.

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Some drunk driver thing no biggie. Good luck man, the most important thing is to stick with your guns. Dont fall back if she tries to hang when you're not ready yet. Distract yourself with hobbies and stuff. It'll be gucci trust me

Agreed. I've cut most contact with mine (except the occasional snap messages) and plans for con get togethers to fill out the room. Pretty much had to leave a core internet friend group as well considering she's an ingrained part of it. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Nah, that seems like a waste of time honestly. I got game enough to find other people who are actually interested.

I got that 12 year best friend even though she's the most gorgeous girl I've ever met and I'm in love with her and im totally fine.
She doesn't want me, and instead of being a bitch about it or hanging onto her or getting oneitis I continued my life as normal. Dated normally and all that too. I have a fiancée (whom I love a lot more and would never cheat) and my other friend is still around and she just adds some extra to my life I guess.
All I experience is mild jealousy when she meets new men, but it goes away quick.

Thanks man, you have been a great help. Almost dying is crazy, also happened to me some time ago.

... The event I was referring to is also a con. Are we talking about the same person here? What con do you guys go to? Simply naming a location is fine also.

Solid advice here, OP

Figured it was a con with the lines "Big event in a few months", "already paid for", and the clown from Hunter x Hunter [spoiler]watch Yu-Yu Hakusho, same creator, 10 times better[/spoiler], but I assume you're west coast. I'm nothin bit a simple midwest boy. In all honesty, most single women in nerd/dork culture that aren't absolutely hideous will have these orbiters. An average girl can easily pick up a lot of attention at a con (and quite a few of them have self image issues and crave the attention) so it's no surprise that your con girl has orbiters. The secret is that you have to not fall into the typical trap of them. Flirt a bit, if they respond positively, make a more bold move. If they respond negatively, move on. If they respond neutrally, give it a minute but recognize the signs of being relegated to orbiter/esteem booster and ditch out if it pops up too much. You really don't want to be a part of the solar system surrounding these kinds of women.

Yu-Yu hakusho sounds fun. Ill probably check it out. Anime or Manga? I am not from the US, so I guess we were talking about different people. Pretty funny how common this phenomenon is. Your advice would normally be solid, but the person I am talking about has a ''flirty'' personality. That is why I thought I had a chance initially, because she would be a bit flirty with me. Apparently it is something she does to mess with people. I just let it happen because even though probably nothing will happen between us, it still makes me feel like im actually wanted.

It also just dawned on me that I am also an orbiter, but just too self aware to let things continue like this.

Anime is great, manga is eh. At least you recognize the cycle and are removing yourself from it. It's fine to sometimes talk with her, but keep a good distance and keep the talk short, otherwise you may get hooked into her gravity and start to spark those feelings again or become a go to purely self esteem booster for her.

We used to joke about how I am a self esteem booster by giving her compliments. Guess this is a thing orbiters are expected to do. You seem to have experience with the situation im in. Thanks a lot for the help. You have a lot of insight.

I am going to try to remove myself from her gravity, but not in a way that is too obvious. If she notices, what shoud I say? Should I just tell the truth or should I play it off as me being busy with life or something?

The real question is how close you were before you started developing feelings for her. If you guys started hanging out and you instantly had a thing for her and joined the orbit, then it may just be best to fully walk away. If you were friends prior to you developing feelings, it gets a little more dirty and you have to have a fine line between friendly talk and getting emotionally manipulated into complementing/rejoining the orbit. You definitely need time away no matter what, but the answer to your question would be that it depends on what kind of person you are. Do you kind maybe rocking the boat a bit by telling her the truth on how you feel? Is she down to Earth or will she freak out on you for saying you need a little distance? How much do you communicate currently/when you told her you were interested.

For me it was that we were friends for 5ish years of being on equal level and me not playing into her emotional manipulation games which lead to some pretty big fights from me not backing down, but she'd always end up apologizing. Recently I started to develop feelings for her so I dropped a few hints to lukewarm responses (the same of which a mutual friend got when he tried 4 years ago and disappeared from her life when she said no) I pulled the trigger instead of sitting around. She said no and so I had to figure out if I valued the friendship that I had prior to me developing feelings for her. To a degree I do, so I made an effort to keep my distance but respond closer to how I would have prior to me developing feelings for her. She hasn't taken it all that well because I'm not giving her overwhelmingly positive responses to most things like I did when I was trying to get with her so our communication has become sporadic.

I haven't known her that long and I guess I immediatly had a thing for her. I will indeed take a break no matter what, but walking away seems a bit extreme, and it will also be a bit awkward because there is a pretty great chance that I will see her again one way or an other. She is pretty down to earth but she told me she hates that she can't just be friends with guys. I feel bad for her. It must suck to not be able to be friends with guys because they always want something more. I don't know how she would respond if i were to say how I feel, but I don't think it would be positive. But if I leave for a while anyway it might not hurt just to tell the truth, instead of making someone worry and wonder if they did something wrong.

You seem to be in a position that is a lot tougher then mine. Emotional manipulation sucks, and if someone is willing to emotionally manipulate you that is a pretty bad sign in of itself. I however don't know the dynamic of your situation so I am not in a position to form a correct opinion. Pulling the trigger takes a lot of courage, especially when you have known someone for 5 years. It sucks how feelings like this can ruin friendships, and I hope you manage to figure it out. Maybe you can explain your perspective, and tell her that if you were to respond to her more you could develop feelings again? Maybe she would understand, and if she wouldn't, she probably is not that good of a friend anyway. This is easy for me to say though, again, I don't know your situation, and its easy to be objective when you don't know the people in question.

My situation will turn out fine. While the prospect of losing her as a friend sucks for multiple reasons, I won't die and I'm 100% sure that I can move on at some point. She has a lot of issues with a mom who is crazy manipulative so I'm not surprised at all that she was passed those tendencies as a kid.

By what you said, it sounds like you never outright asked her out. If so, you're just assuming she'll shoot you down. If this is the case, you have a new option. If you ask her out and she declines, you can be doubly truthful to her and admit your feelings to get them off your chest while also giving her a reason for your slight distancing of yourself from her for a bit. Holding it in and staying close is miserable.

In the end, friendship are always a give and take which makes it very hard for opposite sexes to be friends. I'm not saying it's impossible, but a lot of the times, if the friendship deepens at all,one side will end up wanting more.

I was the friend the person liked.
If you want to keep the friendship going with out making it awkward you should work on not having feelings for your friend unless they want the same in the future.
I found out my friend liked me and would confuse friend activities as something romantic. I had to confront him about it multiple times and he would always say he'd work on it.
Never did.
In the end I had to stop talking to him because I can see my interactions with him was hurting him and he was becoming very competitive with every other guy friend I had (his "competition").
Really sucks because he was a really close friend and I still feel bad about how it turned out.

I think ill wait with asking her out until after the con. During the con we will spend a lot of time together so I am hoping we can learn to know each other better. Maybe it turns out I don't like her as much as I thought and then that will be that. If I were to ask her out now and everything goes as bad as it could, it would be quite awkward to go to a convention with her, so waiting until after the con seems to be the best option. If I grow the balls and ask her out after the con and I get rejected, ill take my distance.

I always thought that people who talked about how hard liking someone is were being dramatic. They werent. Its hard. The way you talk about friendship seems to make sense. I never really thought about it like that.

That poor guy ruined a friendship because of feelings he couldn't control. Saying he should work on not having feelings sounds easy, but that is not how it works. You can't really control it. You get a dopamine rush when someone you like spends time with you, and you can't help it.

Of course, it's why I recommended putting a little distance between the two of you so you can fall out of love/lust with the person. If you keep them around and close, you just keep seeing what you like about them and it reinforces your interest in them. It's hard for people who have an infatuation to see past it and it's very easy for them to take innocuous actions as something more just as you said. Instead, putting a little distance between the two of you gives someone the opportunity to think about and reflect on actions and thoughts (in most cases) which helps to correct the way they think about you. On top of that, any sane person who asks out their friend they have a crush on would never blame their friend for saying no. I told the woman I asked out that it was my fault for anything that happened to our friendship after I asked her out and it was up to me to make things go back to normal because it was my emotions mucking things up.