"Checking in"

I just got dumped because we fundamentally disagree on the> concept of checking it

She said it doesn't matter what my intentions were , what matters is how she felt.

Example : last date, she said she was sleepy / tired from work as she took a sip of beer. I playful said "ya I think beer helps with that :)"

She basically canceled our date and the next time we talked she brought it up. I told her I was clearly being playful and not putting her down. She then said I was invalidating her feelings and it doesn't matter what my intentions were, only how it was received .

Is this true? Does intent not matter with communication ? I feel like trying to make sure everything I say can only be taken one way is like walking on egg shells to me but maybe I'm wrong.

I always thought you're supposed to check in with your partner before you react to what you assume is true.

She basically dumped me over this and that we don't share the political beliefs

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You should be dumped for political beliefs in this era though. It was probably a reasonable excuse to not put up with you.

Yes and no. Your intentions matter, but so does her feelings. You dont get to tell her she doesnt have a right to her feelings. They are real. But at the same time she should accept that you didn't mean to hurt her if that is what you claim. At that point you should follow up with " it was not my intent to make you feel bad. I was trying to make a joke. I was not trying to make fun of you. Just the situation. Let me know if you need to talk , need time alone, or if there is something I can do to help resolve this."

She sounds mentally unstable and you're better off

I always validate her feelings but mine matter too. I just say " i didn't mean to make you feel that way i was just trying to be playful"


She didn't tell me anything was wrong until she was in the process of breaking up with me. She just took space without telling me why, then next time I saw her she told me that really hurt her and she needs time to think if she wants to still be with me, i give her spacem. Then next time we meet its over. Because she doesn't if she interprets something a certain way - that's all that matters.

That sounds like the beginnings of a controlling critical dynamic where there's no collaboration or communication.
You sound like a girl who plays by the rules then.
She has anxiety and anger issues.
I mean it's over. So hopefully she finds what she's looking for

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Stop listening to or arguing with women logic it doesn't apply to you unless you let it. Which it sounds like you do. Just chill out, leave her alone a bit till she comes to you and then don't be a dick and say stupid shit that plays in to her shit tests. Come on man.

>Stop listening to or arguing with women logic it doesn't apply to you unless you let it. Which it sounds like you do.
Please explain

>Just chill out, leave her alone a bit till she comes to you and then don't be a dick and say stupid shit that plays in to her shit tests.

Like the banter?

>Come on man.
Nice

She sounds like a sensitive bitch who is full of drama. Bullet dodged.

From what I understand you have said some stuff she has interpreted as hurting her fee fees. Are you going out with a SJW feminists type because like the other user said she is setting up a very one sided dynamic of conversation. She has already dumped you so whatever. I'd be happy and just ignore her. Take the power back. If she is going to be a pernickity bitch and take umbrage arbitrarily then fuck her. But then I'm just a guy on the internet with no real understanding of your situation.

Of course intent matters.

My father is always giving my sister constructive critcism, but she takes it as putting her down. Who is in the wrong here? Obviously my sister since our father is TRYING to help her be happy but she is takes it wrongly due to her own issues with accepting responsibility for her actions.

That girl is going to lose many more friends besides you. She only wants people around her that agree with her in every way. You are not losing out.

>She said it doesn't matter what my intentions were , what matters is how she felt.

fuck anyone so selfish that says this nonsense.

thats such a bad faith thing to level at someone without any actual evidence to indicate otherwise.

both matter, or neither matters. And if its the 2nd one, why have a relationship...

Youre not compatible, its fine, there will be other girls if you look. She wasnt "the one" or even "a good pick" just a girl in your life

I would have zero interest in any female that even hinted at acting this way. Better off OP. Have some self respect and realize you did nothing wrong. Let a bitch deal with her own problems by dropping them and cutting them off from you

Also think about it. She fundamentally doesn't trust you if she has to play games like that. so this "relationship" was doomed from the start.

>le current year
kys

Well based on this single example it's a massive overreaction. But it isn't if you are always being a smart ass/someone who needs to have the last word and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. You know best if this might apply or not.

You are both right to an extent. Intention absolutely matters, it's ridiculous to pretend it doesn't. But if she says she feels hurt by something you said and your first response is to go "well that's misplaced because quite obviously I was just joking" that's a pretty dickish response. Compare it to playfully hitting someone and them crying out in pain. Of course you're going to say "wow I thought I was just tapping you did that actually hurt??", but instantly going "oh shut up that didn't hurt you I barely touched you" is rude whether or not you think they overreacted. It should give you pause if someone has a strong negative reaction to something you thought was innocuous and you should hear them out before getting defensive and arguing your view.

Take to heart whatever is relevant for you.

>Does intent not matter with communication ?
Of course it does. It doesn't completely wipe away a bad reception though.

She is slightly - but only slightly - in the wrong, in that you could have been more attuned to what jokes she would or wouldn't enjoy in her state of mind.

But surely this is too small a matter to fight for. Apologize even if you don't feel like it

It's something that is very common in couples. Someone says something, the other side misinterprets it. So you end up with one side who is hurt because they took the words personally and the other is hurt because their partner implies they're assholes.
You cannot control how you feel about things, it's fair that she gets upset over something you say. She doesn't have to check in with you about how she feels.

Your girlfriend should have told you that her feelings were hurt, without any implication about what you meant or what kind of person you are.
You should have explained what you meant, and apologised for the way you made her feel. Also asked her what you could have done to improve in this case.
This should have been done while not being angry at each other or too mad.

You both overreacted and I'm sorry it ended over this.

> Are you going out with a SJW feminists type

She was , very common in my area
>she is setting up a very one sided dynamic of conversation.
That's what i thought
> She has already dumped you so whatever. I'd be happy and just ignore her. Take the power back.
Ya just going no contact
I agree but there has to be some communication with what's wrong. She only told me I hurt her feelings after she was preparing to dump me. Your analogy of punching someone's shoulder is perfect. But the position I'm in is , weeks after the playful punch I'm told it hurt. So I'll say sorry but reasonably I'd be confused.
Im not a mind reader. A relationship with me requires some communication. No point in apologizing,it's already over.
When she brought up what was wrong it was already over

>I agree but there has to be some communication with what's wrong.
Oh, definitely, I don't mean to say she went about this the right way. It's just that knee jerk "wow she's being insane" doesn't help you at all. If she is being insane - fine. But if she isn't, my post might shed a line on why she still acted this way.

Also I agree with another poster that if this truly was the only incident she could mention it was likely an excuse, anyway.

There was 3 other incidents.

She said i offended her brother and grand pa despite no signs I did, tells me not to mention it to her grandpa. I ask her brother about it , he gives me a confused look and says he has no idea what im talking about.

We get in a spat about a miscommunication. I validate her feelings but feel pushed away. I find my feelings funny as they don't help the situation. She thinks I'm laughing at her and won't believe me when i tell her I'm not laughing at her.

I mention to a friend of hers that she won't to music with me so ill have to find someone else to do music with. She gets pissed when her friend tells her that and doesn't mention it for weeks. When she does i ask her what's wrong with what i said. She can't say, just that her friend had a tone when he told her.

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Only bump before it dies

I feel for you man.
Somebody post the " I made pancakes" meme for the OP.

OP you dodged a bullet.

Number 1 important thing a relationship needs is healthy communication. Conflict has to be handled in an adult way with mature considerate conversations.

She broke the cardinal rule by breaking communication by staying silent and then broke it even further by making the decision to break up without even consulting you first. The way that she handled the date was extremely childish and by itself actually a red flag that she is not dating or relationship material. That was not a mature way, or even a normal way. It was a very stupid way. She has a long way to go before shes date ready.

In general it also sounds like she has a problem of getting seriously offended over trivial things that as you said, make you feel like you're walking on eggshells. That is another cardinal rule of relationships. Trust. You don't trust that you can speak around her as you without triggering her or something bad happening. The girls just a hot mess. You're lucky you got out of this. I've seen other guys get royally fucked by women like this and it did numbers on their psychology.

Do not beat yourself up and question if you did anything wrong. You didn't. She fucked up here.

she just needed an excuse to dump you, bro. if a chick really digs you you can say whatever you want and she'll take it as teasing or playfulness

i dont even know whats being discussed here, the subject line says checking in, the OP says checking it, and i don't get the story

Checking in
Thanks . still miss her tho desu. First woman I saw as more than a fuck buddy in a while. Now i feel like an idiot

oof

check it

she sounds cluster B. If she ever crawls back to you, just walk away