So after overcoming 4 years of depression, 1 of hedonism and 2 of nihilism, I have been stable for 2 years now...

So after overcoming 4 years of depression, 1 of hedonism and 2 of nihilism, I have been stable for 2 years now. How do I deal with the fact that I'm a schizoid fuck that can't find value in relationships anymore and just wants to be left alone?
I have interiorized that I'm another worthless ant and that's fine, at least I'm not a parasite. Life provides me with entertainment and knowledge but holy shit it seems like I won't even reach my thirties because of boredom.
Perfecting my abilities has its limit and drugs are stupid, they never worked for me. I can carry on, but I was just thinking of killing myself, not because I'm sad but because it seems the only significant thing I can do with my life, which is the right to end it. And it's not even that transcendental.

Does this make sense?

Attached: 3700.png (623x577, 270K)

No.

yes. figure out what you do care about. identify what matters to you.

Then I'm fucked.

Do you know how rare people that overcome depression, hedonism and nihilism in one lifetime are ? You want to do something transcendental from the way you talk, then be absolutely honest with yourself with your whole life and everything you've done, and you'll probably find it after some time

If you aren't willing to try changing your perception with psychedelics you aren't worth saving. Open your damn closed mind.

psychedelics are a crutch and OP is right for dismissing them. Doubt he needs them at all

It's not about constant use. Single use psychedelics are commonly used by millions of people currently and many, many more in the future to treat symptoms that OP described. If you're going to comment, at least be knowledgeable.

Only boring people get bored. Maybe push your boundaries and focus on the outside world instead of your past to move forward. You need a perspective shift obviously.

No, I don't know. I used to like helping my friends with their problems, but after some time, their problems seemed to be as irrelevant as mine and it's not satisfying.

Do things you’d be proud of.
Don’t do the things you’re ashamed of,
And keep on keeping on, since there’s no such things as a step backwards, only a trajectory, like graphing a function.
I know how you feel except there’s drugs involved which completely fuck with prime directive #2, but honestly life is a drug, even your breakfast cereal is a drug, so everyone has to deal with a version of it

I would like to break a cycle in a positive way, but that would require me being a genius.
I'm just your average 23 year old programmer.

Take 1gram of psilocybin then 0.5 gram an hour later (30-60 minute to kick in, comes in euphoric waves then tapers by the end of the day), only do this when your mindset is not fearing it and your setting is relaxing, your confidence will follow you and manifest pleasant thoughts, and inversely any extreme negative thoughts or stressful surroundings can be amplify with the drug, much like cannabis sativa. A mindset of love or of wonder imo are best to accompany you when using state-altering skooms. Also do research and be your own dood don’t necessarily listen to this here dumb coot okay?
we all gonna make it

No, thank you. I've already seen many people getting fucked up because of "light" drugs.
I'm having enough contact with the outside world.

Yeah, peoples' problems are largely self-created and helping people is helping them realize that too, there 's no issue with that.
That goes for you too : the 'be absolutely honest with yourself' part is not optional if you want something transcendental.

I honestly don't want to be a part of humanity.
I know it sounds edgy.

I dunno how to precisely word this question, but what aspect of relationships do you not find value in anymore?

i.e. are you just sick of the dumb ego games people play, find it impossible to relate due to nihilism, generally find them annoying, etc

I ask as I'm on the same schizoid boat, pretty empty existence

T.21yroldzoomer who's never heard of anhedonia or schizophrenia.

Many things. When I started the nihilism phase, I stopped seeking external validation and I don't even care about receiving compliments or contempt.
I became friendless when "I expressed myself too much" about their current conflicts even though I always try to be respectful and constructive, trying to avoid arrogance and self-indulgence.
I became sick of wasting my time with fragile egos and people's biological needs (including mine).

Holy shit why do I sound so fucking pompous.

you sound like you're way too used to be friendless due to your nihilism stage. you shouldn't have to deal with people's fragile egos. however, you should take care of your own bioligical needs because you need them to live. you're not giving yourself any worth which is unfair to you.
i could be wrong here; please correct me if so. it seems as though you've met people who are very similar to each other.

imo if you want to do something transcendental; start with small things. death is not an option. start by meeting people you enjoy being around. something truly transcendental would be achieving happiness for yourself, not death. overcoming depression was already something amazing in itself.

I don't see why it's unfair.
>it seems as though you've met people who are very similar to each other.
Not really. I have had 2 groups of friends in general and they where not similar.
>start by meeting people you enjoy being around
Oof, that seems unlikely. I'm happy. I'm just not satisfied.

See a psychiatrist. I’m working on seeing one too.

it's unfair to you because you're not treating yourself like you should. why do you want to deprive yourself?
even if it sounds unlikely, you should still try. satisfaction is a part of happiness. tbho user, you're interesting

I study psychology on my free time so we could say I'm already contaminated, so many tests wouldn't work. I feel like if I go to a psychiatrist I'll be the one examining.
I treat myself like I do because it feels natural.

why does it feel natural to deny yourself of your biological needs? it sounds like you're holding yourself back from your own satisfaction by treating yourself poorly.

Because it's probably the only thing that I'm proud of. It's my determination, my pride, the only thing that makes me feel alive, even if it leads me to isolation. I don't even know how to explain it.

instead of projecting your determination into depriving yourself, shift it into finding things you can enjoy and be proud of. it's possible to still have pride while not being cruel to yourself.
desu op, i would try to get to know you given the chance.

No you are crazy, just be alone until you met someone you have chemistry with. If you want to be something else for your own good / you don't like your current self, try harder at achieving that state (ie not crazy or alienated)

In ways I can't elucidate through wording and I'd wager we might even have similar stories going on.

I'm in the process of answering that question for myself. It's getting scarier as I get older, not really having an answer for "would I kill myself?" And of course there's like one person in a million worth actually discussing that with so good luck finding one in person who will actually TALK about it instead of A) veer to memes or B) veer on it entirely.

Regardless, nothing is wrong with a life that does not steal from the rights of others. Living your quiet life of solitude knowing your damage runs so deep is not a bad plan by any stretch of the imagination, in fact I sympathize deeply.

On the other hand, an important question is 'am I just telling myself I can live alone?' I've had first-hand experience doing it and solitude is almost a blissful high for me. It's like a natural state of being, a standard I live in like a second skin.
But if you haven't got experience, I highly suggest field testing your capacity to live alone.

Being a perfectionist it's impossible to be proud of your own creations. I don't think getting to know me is a good idea.
>try harder
Dude, I don't even know how I'm alive after all these changes. I think I know how to try harder. Anyway, thank you for the advice.

I'm pretty confident on being alone. I overcame my depression with no direct support whatsoever.

you're right, however as i said try to project that determination into something you possibly can be proud of. give yourself more credit, and try to step back from needing to be absolutely perfect all the time. in all honesty, you don't seem that bad and i feel like you would be nice to talk to.

There I go again. I have to kill anohter part of me. This time, the perfectionist me. I hope I don't fall into self-indulgence. First I have to discover what the fuck I can create, which cycle to break.
>you don't seem that bad
Yeah, that's the problem.

i wouldn't say that you have to "kill" that part of you. i'm saying that you should try to tone it down a little to where you can find satisfaction in what you do without needing it to be perfect. in some ways, being a perfectionist is good because that means you work hard, but don't let that trait consume you. it's okay for things to be imperfect, that's how life is.

And this would be when I decide to be proactive on this aspect to try to change my perspective and behaviour. I wonder how useful it will be.
Thanks for wasting your time with someone like me.

my time definitely wasn't wasted. like i said, i would like to talk to you more given the chance. but, good luck and i wish you the absolute best.