So my fiancé and I are planning our wedding. I already bought my dress, picked out venue, we are both putting aside money monthly and my parents are helping too. The wedding is scheduled next year. Tonight as we are discussing plans he springs it on me out of nowhere that he doesn’t want to get legally married, just have the ceremony.
This was never in my mind. In fact when we were together for a year and a half he was suggesting we legally marry for him to get college benefits but I said I wanted to wait for ceremony because that’s tradition and he agreed.
He said he has too much he could lose through legally marrying me. I even suggested a prenup and he shot that down too.
Literally all I want in life is a happy home with kids and to be a good mother and housewife and to me, that means being legally married and recognized as married. Plus it’s less confusing to kids and for medical insurance and stuff down the road with them too. In the end it’s just tradition to me, I want to be seen as a wife in the eyes of everyone, not just “god.”
I don’t even know what to do or how to react. Feeling really hurt and torn right now.
If anyone is wondering, no, I’m not in it for the money or taking his. He makes 13 dollars an hour. We are high school sweethearts and have been together for 6 years.
Fiancé doesn’t want to marry me
>Literally all I want in life is a happy home with kids and to be a good mother and housewife and to me, that means being legally married and recognized as married.
lol?
marriage is a scam for men
Maybe if you’re marrying some money hungry bimbo you hardly know.
You can have a happy life with the love of your life. You don't need a little certificate validating your happiness. Its society that drives you into the idea of marriage, your betrothed understands the nuance of this and is willing to at least settle for the ceremony.
If you don't understand as something as simple as this then maybe you're too immature to be in a relationship or even have kids.
If you want to be a housewife, find someone else.
Otherwise work work work, part-time work until the kids are ready for daycare, then back to work. You need your own savings. Anything else sets you up for dependance on welfare. Also split all bills regarding the kids 50/50. If he even wants kids, that is - child support could easily "fuck him over" too.
tl;dr - He's not the type for your classic household fantasy.
Oh, and since this a mostly male website - tons of dudes will try to tell you that marriage is a scam because obviously they'd fear the responsibility of post-marriage alimony payments for a woman who has no income of her own, since 99% of men couldn't care less if their ex and the kids would starve under a bridge or not. Never agree to be a housewife without that security to fall back on, unless you're eager to become homeless.
He does want kids. Unironically at least 5 but preferably even more (I’m not sure even I am willing to have THAT many but we will see what kind of money we have.)
What sucks is for a period of our life I was supporting us financially. So I don’t even know where he gets this idea that I’ll “take half his shit” because even when we first moved in together everything we had was mine. His family is dirt poor in all areas. I just don’t know.
I actually know a woman who didn’t legally marry a man, had 3 kids with him, he wanted her to be a housewife so he didn’t want her working and said he’d support her and he started sleeping with a new woman he found and kicked them out to go back to living with her mom because he was bored of them. Bitches about child support.
Hes just getting cold feet. Understandable given how long you’ve been together. He’s probably worried marriage will change u in some way, make u more possessive or something. The alimony thing is most likely a cover
Sounds like he's a pretty plain user. Saddling you with tons of kids would be ideal because then you'd have nowhere to go and be his slave.
You should get out of that situation. Find someone a little more stable to have a family with, not a selfish douche.
I've known a similar case, just with 4 kids.
And a different, a bit more tragic one. The dude died in a car accident, leaving her and the baby without any income. Had they married, she would have at least received widow's pension.
>He said he has too much he could lose through legally marrying me.
He's right
>I even suggested a prenup and he shot that down too.
Prenups are thrown out in court 9 times out of 10 because they usually don't follow the requirements to be legally binding. Even then, they can be thrown out at a judge's discretion, meaning they're hardly ever legally binding.
Man's making a smart play, but of course for you, it's smart to have a legal marriage to ensure your future wealth. If you're not in it for the wealth, put on the ring, change your name, and tell everyone you're married, the end. In fact, you could do that right now, the only person that needs to know that you're theirs is your husband.
He's not making any smart here.
He is using her and is a paranoid and insecure man. OP should just leave, then he can whine how he knew she would "abandon" him and she can find someone supportive.
And OP you should break up and work and save up a little so if you decide to settle down you do have a safe backup.
This is coming from someone who doesn't even desire a wedding or a traditional marriage, I'd still rather be with someone who doesn't view me as a liability.
That's horrible advice, you're projecting.
Just because you had shitty relationships doesn't mean everyone else should fuck theirs too.
>high school sweethearts
This explains it. It's very rare for these to last or work out.
>We are high school sweethearts and have been together for 6 years.
There's the problem. Are you the same person you were at 14 (or whatever it was?) Neither is he. And although emotionally together, you have grown apart in values.
You two need a serious discussion about this and a lot of other things you may not be as close on as you've assumed. It could help a lot to have a neutral third party present - consider couples counseling before going any further
>you're projecting
>Just because you had shitty relationships doesn't mean everyone else should fuck theirs too
It seems like you are the one projecting user. Sorry for you.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say you have every right to be upset. Presumably, he knows how you feel about being legally married and yet he still insists against it. If I was in your position, I wouldn't feel confident about a future with him. Are there any other red flags?
He doesn't want the liability of having to live with the consequences of all of your future actions. If he marries you legally, he can lose his money because of your feelings, lose his home because of your feelings, and even lose his kids because of your feelings. Anyone who knows anything about women, has ever seen or talked to a woman can tell you - you REALLY don't want anything you value being securely yours only if your woman is somehow magically happy all the time forever.
If you get bored, or petty, or jealous, or just wake up on the wrong side of the bed one morning PMSing and decide you want to sleep around instead of being loyal to your husband, or chop your baby's dick off to show that you're more progressive or whatever else, he's going to have to live with the consequences of your random whim forever, because if the two of you divorce, the courts will favor the woman virtually by default, and you'll get to take half of his shit and his kids with you.
Nobody in the current day and age should ever get married. It only benefits one party, and that party definitely isn't men. Back in the day when adulterous women were stoned or burned to death, and women had no rights in divorce? Yeah, sure, maybe. These days? Not so much.
You are a liability. If your husband's rights are not respected in a divorce court equally to yours in every way, that makes you a liability. He's risking that his rights as a citizen and as a person will be thrown out because the system actually buys into "Oh but think of the women and the kids!" instead of expecting grown-ass adult women to support themselves.
To be "Literally all I want in life is a happy home with kids and to be a good mother and housewife" doesn't require marriage. It requires commitment.
What you want is selfish. Be honest with yourself, you are the worst person to lie to because you can make yourself believe the lie. Most likely, you want to increase your social value and social standing. And that is, no reason to get married. Neither was your fiancés reason to get married for college benefits. I can guarantee you will end in divorce or worse...a loveless marriage of convenience that will lead to poorly raised children.
Real Marriage, the kind that lasts a lifetime, is something ....else. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and health. For Love. Its the gift of the magi, the concept that has no words to express it. You can't explain color to the blind, they can only experience it themselves to understand. If you and he were to get married, you would have no doubt or reason to get married. You would already BE married. The only thing left would be to show others....by having a public ceremony.
Your feeling hurt and torn right now because that's how people grow. You are trying to learn and understand a new concept and any growth, hurts but when it heals, you will be stronger and ready for what comes next. What comes next? Well, I'm not going to ruin that for you.
You are paranoid and projecting.
There's no quality to your posts because you complain about irrational feelings when your rants are just irrational ramblings.
I imagine this thread will continue on like this so op should just delete it.
>Holy shit dude get a life.
>He said he has too much he could lose through legally marrying me
if he only earns 13dollars an hour something doesnt end up
is he going to inherit wealth and you are a sneaky golddigger or he is stupid
obviously you are no sweethearts anymore
There is virtually no wealth in his family. I think he means if we get a house he could lose half of it or something like that