Was trying to be friends with my ex a retarded idea?

not even going to bother to read it all, if you were in love with the person and the relationship felt like a good fit at the time, there is NO chance of ever having a normal friendship after it ends. you have to move on.

I could, but the problem is it's quite a lot of stuff. Her books, jackets, clothing, meds etc. she pretty much had a second home at my place.

And the shipping price would be pretty insane as well, since she lives in a other country. Unless I am not aware of some kind of service that does it for a reaaonable fee?

Not OP but what am I supposed to do if my ex gf is also my best friend since we were kids?
I just can't imagine her out of my life.

Hey so basically what your hoe did was the break-up/still want to be friends thing. But I think it is pretty clear from your posts that she doesn't have time for you either in real life or on the internet. Basically, she doesn't hate you but she doesn't have time for an actual friendship. now you are just acquaintances.
in theory there is nothing wrong with a breakup that doesn't end with a bunch of I hate yous.
she just wants to end on good terms and feel like she's done the right thing by not being a b**** to you.

however just like a man she is thinking with her crotch and she's more interested in the person who is licking her pussy than her ex friend.

if he breaks up with this chick then yeah she might have time for you.
But why are you f****** around with someone who lives 12 hours away anyhow that's kind of ridiculous.

Make some friends in your nearby area.

also who cares about her stuff just let her know that if she needs her things she can send for them or pay for the shipping or you will hold them for 30 days. Otherwise you will throw them out. if these things don't take up much space put them in a small box in a closet somewhere and leave them for 90 days and then if she doesn't make arrangements to have them picked up then throw them out.

I doubt that she needs whatever it is that you have anyway.

So my advice is don't get butthurt over this check and try to move on.

for better or for worse you've learned a lesson about a friend who doesn't actually have the time to be your friend so now you see the signs and you can recognize them in the future.

Chick not check. My bad

What does the word situated mean? I'm from Texas and we don't use that word here. I had an ex in the army and he kept saying once he was situated, he would get back together. That was like six years ago...still not situated.

Alright. I see what you're getting at.

I mean, I am not even that bothered that she found someone. But it's just that someone who was promising you undying love for 2 years and then begged you to stay friends because of how important you are to them.... it just sucks to be cast aside like that in a heartbeat. Making all those words feel empty.

I also keep thinking that maybe I drove her away by being too confrontational and being subconsiously a bit jealous to her.

You don't think I should at least try to contact her after some time and hash it out before leaving her and moving on for good, on better terms? It's probably gonna sound beta as fuck, but she still was pretty important to me - and heped me to grow as a person and an responsible adult throughout the relationship. Friend or no friend.

Don't want to be mean, but you don't exactly sound like you are totally over her. It's fine if you want a better closure, but like, maybe give it some time first. Either way it won't be your problem anymore.

Get her to venmo/paypal money? just say something like, hey listen, I really want to make sure you have a chance to get your stuff back. is expensive and will take time to package and send, but i am willing to package and send everything if you are able to paypal/venmo me some cash, since it is your stuff. it is taking up a lot of space at my place and I dont want to have to throw your things away, but I will if I don't find a solution for this soon.Thank you.

That could work I guess. but like I said, she kinda blocked me everywhere so unless I somehow manage to reconcile with her, I can't send her the stuff. Either that or throw it all out (which I'd rather not IMHO)

Mail her the stuff and put a stinkbomb in the suitcase.

being friends with your ex is doable, but there must be a period of time (ideally right after the breakup), where both of you should go your own way before attempting contact again. if you are part of your ex's life, all throughout the process when he/she is picking up new lifemates, thats just gonna make you hurt in the long run and cause further friction between you two. which I am afraid is exactly the OP's case

you don't have to reconcile with her. You must have a mutual friend or something

"I still love you as a person and want you to be in my life".
i don't love you but i don't wanna be alone

>She meets some girl (who she claims is not her gf and they only sleep together) who always stays either at her place or she at hers.
I'm no longer alone

> we used to call each other on Discord every day (even after the breakup) and now she kept postponing it ever since.
I don't need you

>had a pretty heavy accident recently, and told her what happened and she just kinda.. ignored it.
I don't care anymore

>She then gets pissed at me and blocks me on all social medias.
I don't even care you hate me, don't wanna fix anything

>Or did she just do me a favour and it will hurt now but eventually pass?
yes, massive yes

dodged a bullet, don't be a dumb fuck and start enjoying your new life
> (if she remotely cares about you she will be the one to reach you back, won't happen but if it does don't fall for it)

> "I still love you as a person and want you to be in my life".
i don't love you but i don't wanna be alone

> She meets some girl (who she claims is not her gf and they only sleep together) who always stays either at her place or she at hers.
I'm no longer alone

> we used to call each other on Discord every day (even after the breakup) and now she kept postponing it ever since.
I don't need you

> had a pretty heavy accident recently, and told her what happened and she just kinda.. ignored it.
I don't care anymore

> She then gets pissed at me and blocks me on all social medias.
I don't even care you hate me, don't wanna fix anything

> Or did she just do me a favour and it will hurt now but eventually pass?
yes, massive yes

dodged a bullet, don't be a dumb fuck and start enjoying your new life

> (if she remotely cares about you she will be the one to reach you back, won't happen but if it does don't fall for it)

Dear user friend.
I dont know if you will ever read this,but im writing for the guys who are interested.
I was with a girl for 9 years and 6 months. We lived together,etc,you get the ideea.
I got dumped by her 6 months ago,and had to move back with my parents since it was her apartment.
Later hooked up with one of her ''enemies'',had great sex for 2 weeks and then i decited to try and join the French Foreign Legion again. i got rejected because i was to bulky.
When i returned,my new gf dumped me for her ex.
My advice is,never give up..eventually you will find someone who will cherish every moment with you.
Have a nice day

>we don't use situated in Texas
You're either a beaner, califag, katrinigger, or some other form of immigrant who won't assimilate then. I've been everywhere from Houston to Corpus Christi to Kerrville to Midland/Odessa to Dallas to the collection of podunk towns in East Texas like Tyler, Chandler, Jacksonville, etc and everywhere in between over the past 3 decades. Using the word situated to mean settled in, ready, organized, or comfortable is in every Texan's vocabulary. "Here's some menus. I'll bring some water while y'all get situated and then I'll take your order" is common when seated at pretty much every non-fine dining restaurant no matter what race the person is. When someone is moving to a new place you offer to help pack/organize by saying "need help getting things situated?"

In your case it's how they ghosted you.

didnt read anything:
yes

Only a few, and most of them are apparently out of either of our countries.

Harsh. But probably painfully realistic. And I can see your point.

I definitely want to do what you folks have been telling me, but honestly first I just want to get rid of those things of hers, since they are kind of a last memento of her... before I move on. Maybe it could be carthartic too.

Thank you. And sorry about your gf. Both of us gotta keep on trying I guess.

I have never been able to be friends with an ex. I just don't think it works.

Honestly, I wouldnt even bother with her stuff. Just toss that shit in a river or something.

Sounds more like she made you stick around to not feel bad, until she moved on to the next thing and then cast you aside because you already served your purpose. Let this be a lesson for you when it comes to dealing with shitty partners and friends like these.

was absolutely retarded for you to even continue talking to her.

forget that she exists and move on user.

source, literally same situation except i was with her for 6 years.

What did you do?

I already knew she was bi from the get go but never knew the extent that she was struggling (lol) with it. Looking back I can now piece together that she hooked up with some gals while we took "breaks". Kicking myself for not trying to make some big 3 happen, but she wasn't the type of person to be into that.

Anyway... she was just not a very good person, really had no respect for me, would lie about the dumbest shit, was always a giant flake (and still is I hear). At one point we were taking a bit of a break, got back together for a bit before i caught her (what I assume was cheating on me) with one of her other bi girl friends. their cars in front of her house, shower running, not answering my calls, when she did acts like everythings fine doesn't mention that she has a friend over, doesn't own up to anything. So I was basically like alright this is over.

FF, she begs me to give her some time to figure herself out, I start seeing someone else but it was short lived, we start talking and hanging out again and things are looking like we might get back together, then I just catch her in more dumb lies, basically she had never stopped talking to her side chick, and would just continue to blameshift to everyone but herself for all of her shortcomings (daddy issues).

It was really hard to do but I just had to realize that I had fallen for an asshole of a girl, she was keeping me around because she wanted the security of having a good friend who could treat her right, and she just didn't deserve that.

OP, that last part sounds pretty similar to what you're in right now. She wants you around because you two are great friends, but thats just not fair to you who clearly still cares for her in more ways than just a friend should. You're wasting your time thinking about this person, and after 2 years stringing you along to finally come out as gay and dump you, you should feel utterly used, because thats what it was.

12 hour bus ride? forget the bitch, move on

Damn man, that fucking sucks. Sorry to hear that. You are right, I am also seeing the same signs in my case as well.

Do you think I just perhaps stop being hung up on trying to give her back her stuff? Maybe part of me wants to subsconsiously see face to face with her to get one last carthartic moment when I let her know I am done with her in person. Or maybe I am just wasting my time and should just remove her Asap?

Also not to completely disregard her, she did do the 12 hour journeys for me as well (maybe more often too). Still doesnt really excuse her further behaviour.

OP like I said before, if you really insist on returning her the stuff personally, at least give it some time first. And don't give her any power by being clingy and desperate.

OP, did you get any signs of her being a lesbo throughout the relationship? Maybe some stuff to watch out for? cuz I am currently dating a tomboy and I wouldn't really want to end up in the same situation,

You should tell her that she can come get her stuff when she wants it and leave it at that. Put it in a closet somewhere you don’t have to think about it. You’ll want them out of your space eventually though. There is just no way i’d waste literal 24 hours on a bus to haul her shit to her after all that

After we split i still had some of her videogames laying around so i messaged her saying that i’d be dropping them off in front of her house real quick not having any intentions of speaking with her, but she was there waiting for me at the door, asked to catch up, had a new gf so i said nah, felt good.

not really. Ever since the 1st day she had a very healthy sex drive. Would get regularly wet and excited at the sight of me (asking me to send her pictures etc) and many times it was she who was initiating when we were together. There wasn't a single time she'd ever say no to sex or any kind of intimacy. Heck we both took each others virginity and planned a future together after uni. :/

Later on she told me she thinks she's bi, because she found some women hot. I didn't think much of it, but that should have probably been my wake up call.

Then I later find out she had been "forcing herself ever since to get intimate with me" which still confuses me to this day. Was it like a heteroromantic and homosexual thing or something?

And then she dumps me at our 2nd anniversary. And you know the rest.

I really don't get women.

sorry, should have probably clarified: She'd get excited and receptive to whatever stimulation i'd give her either mentally or physically. She never really recoiled in disgust or anything etc.

sounds like some classic going through a phase bs.

even more reason you should axe it completely.

Gotcha.

Come to think of it - hauling my ass across 3 countries just to give a person who does not seem to care about me her stuff back sounds kinda dumb and pathetic. She'd definitely not do that for me, now that she's probably swimming in all the pussy she wants.
I don't want to resent her because she did make me help grow as a person and in other ways, but she makes it really hard lately.

I'll either tell her to come pick it up herself (unlikely), or mail to her and make her pay for it.

I am done being her doormat.

Yeah. Suddenly after breakup she's telling me these elaborate stories about "how she always knew she was weird since she was a kid, how she used to get embarassed with other girls in locker rooms, how she always got girl crushes" etc. etc.

I mean, sure I could accept that she could have been just in denial, since she was genuinenly in love with me at the time and wanted to make it work. But shit happens I guess.

But as an experience, I gotta say I really dislike becoming astepping stone/final frontier for a lesbian, heh.

This.

She sounds like a leech. Don't get caught up in her bs. You dodged a bullet, so don't look for more of them by sticking around.

trying to be friends with women you slept with is as hard as drinking from a broken up. Just move on pussy

See, stuff like this is why I hate the whole coming out thing, because no one seems to give a shit about the straight party that is left behind. I had my fair share of sexually confused people stringing me along as well.

I read a great article that summed it up:

"Coming out is never easy, but the gay spouse has one advantage: By the time he or she is ready to tell the other, "I'm gay," a huge amount of emotional adjusting has already taken place. The straight partner is starting from scratch. 'In terms of the healing journey, [gay spouses] are way ahead of the game...The gay partner has done their grieving, and now they want to live their life. But that's an additional hurt, a slap in the face for the straight spouse."

Better knowing sooner, rather than 20 years into marriage with kids and having your spouse drop this bomb on you. Shit like that happens and it ain't pretty. My uncle recently divorced with his wife because he's gay and I feel really sorry for the lady and kids.

Alright, just wanted to say thanks guys. I guess I know what to do now (giving her the shit back and moving on). If she tries to reach out, good for her, but not gonna fall for that manipulative shit again.

You cannot be friends with your exes. End of story.

it's doable, but ideally after some time/years and when you already have another partner so taht things are no longer awkward between you two.

which unfortunately, is not the OP's case since it's been like.. 4 months at best? With apparent constant communication at the beginning?

Yes it was. Dont waste your time on her as a friend either.

>When i returned,my new gf dumped me for her ex.
Do you mean you found out the reason she dumped you was because of her ex? I can tell english isn't your first language, so I'm just tryin to understand better.

Good on you man! Being friends with your ex almost never works. It's gonna be painful but a few weeks down the road, you'll feel better.

that's how it sounds to me too. His second gf dumps him for her ex.

That's hogwash. Friendships with exes almost never work out no matter what.

His second gf dumped him for the ex

mkay have fun explaining to your current partner that you're just platonically friends with and hanging out with your ex gf.

thats retarded and disrespectful. exes are not friends period.

you wanna go 12 hours somewhere (and I assume another 12 hours back which makes it 24 hours) just to give someone their stuff back after theyve pretty much guilt tripped you into being an emotional rag and then cast you away?

thats just really pathetic, mate. stop such a pussy and move on from her. she already did half the work by blocking you anyway.

I don't even need to read all this

the answer is yes

not wrong

>Was trying to be friends with my ex a retarded idea?
Yes.

Figure out if the things you are supposed to get back from her are worth a 12 hour bus ride, if you are willing to pay postage, if not they aren't worth it and you are just giving yourself an excuse to keep in touch with her.
>I had an accident and she ignored it
She was being polite "wanting to stay friends", she is sleeping with someone else and isn't hiding it explicitly, she was being nice about breaking up with you, she has no obligations to talk to you or spend time with you because you were hurt, she has her own life.
>we became toxic and she blocked me
That's for the best
>Was it a retarded idea to begin with?
Yes
>Was I maybe really jealous in a way and this is my fault and I fucked up?
You're just stupid for thinking you would actually stay friends
>Is anything worth salvaging here in order to at least save our friendship?
No.
>Or did she just do me a favour and it will hurt now but eventually pass?
She did herself a favour getting rid of the whiny guy who was willing to travel 12 hours on public transport for things he could easily post to himself.

Dude you guys aren’t dating anymore. She’s not obligated and you’re not entitled to anything that has resemblance from your relationship with her (everyday falls, who she hangs out with)

It’s not a mistake being friends with her but at the same time you have to know boundaries

I probably sound like a retard but styll

The breakup sounds fairly similarly to mine, so I'll respond with what I know from personal experience.

The general consensus is that there is no valid or legitimate reasons to be friends unless you need to be, e.g. you have children together. Be on good terms with each other sure, but active friends is pointless and it will never be the same, because you've dated and seen each other to their core. It's natural to want to be friends with an ex because you still want to cling onto a piece of what used to be, but it doesn't work.

>I still love you as a person and want you to be in my life
This is pretty much a token sentence that translates to "I want to have you around so I can use you for support without providing any myself" or "I can't deal with fully letting you go and cutting contact so I'll compensate by pretending to be friends so you're still in my life" - sometimes it's a combination of both. Either way, you have enough friends and you don't need her as another one.

I can understand it stings to hear about this new girl that's in her life and is all of a sudden staying over and is starting to take priority, but to be honest it's not really any of your business - she's no longer a part of your life, so you don't really get a say in what she does or who she spends time with. It sounds harsh, but it's just how it is.

>as beta as that may sound, it kinda hurt me.
That's natural. She was a big part of your life and you were very close with each other, and now she's giving you the cold shoulder and not giving you any attention or validation. Calling her out was maybe not the best move, but it wasn't the worst. At least you spoke your mind and didn't just push it aside for the saying of staying civil. If it devolves into a toxic argument, then it shows what kind of person she is and how she deals with situations. Given how it's devolved into a toxic argument and she's now blocked you, that's your sign to not talk to her anymore.
(1/2)

OP is a dummy for sticking around and waiting for something that will never come but ya'll folks need to also realize that she had apparently no problem stringing him along further with the whole sob story about "importance to each other, staying in contact" sob story and whatnot. They both should have cut contact immediately and let themselves heal instead of enabling this weird pity party.
my ex immediately blocked my ass after the breakup and while it sucked ass for the first few weeks/months, it was infinitely preferable to her begging me to stay "good friends" which is just cruel at that point.

The adjustment period is tough, but you'll be all the more better for it. As for her stuff, she can come and get it if she wants. Why should you take a 12 hour journey and deliver her stuff to her? You don't owe her anything, and you don't have to take it over. You can say that she can pick it up sometime in the next month or so, and if she doesn't then you can just throw it away.

>Was is a retarded idea to begin with?
Not retarded, but it normally doesn't work being friends with an ex and you simply shouldn't bother, although that's something that you need to discover for yourself. Don't try to to salvage anything, especially if she resorts to toxic arguments and blocking you on everything - she's let you know how she feels. She's done you a favour, overall. It sucks that it happened , but at least it's a clean sever and you can move on from that.

I finally cut ties with my ex recently. We broke up nearly 2 years ago, and I got in touch with her 6 months later to catch up after not speaking to each other then. When I first broke up, she said she'd like to be friends after I get over her, and I went for it because I wanted to hang onto a piece of our relationship. We broke up amicably and everything happened maturely, so catching up again was easy and we remained on good terms. But it feels weird, because you keep wanting to do things that you would do as if you're still dating, but you know that you can't because she's not your girlfriend anymore and she never will be. Not to mention, my ex suggested "being friends" and she said several times that she supposedly "likes me and respects me as a person" but made pretty much no effort to talk or actually be friends. I realised she was starting to piss me off and that I'm not getting anything out of being friends with her, so I quietly deleted her from any social media.

Both my ex and yours have a new person in their life, and they can have them all they like - but you and I don't need our exes.
(2/2)

Yeah, it took me to some time to realize that on my own but you are right. And I am kinda glad there are some people reminding me of this as well.

And you are right user. I don't have a say in her life. I shouldn't, since we no longer share it anyway. Thinking back on it, I guess I handled it really poorly since I admit I was perhaps subconsiously still clinging to her and kinda projected via the whole "we promised friendship to each other!" thing.
(also to be fair: when I said "toxic argument", it wasn't exactly one sided. I said my fair share of nasty stuff as well while angry, which I am not proud of)

But yeah. Gotta look out for myself first instead of constantly orbiting around her, hoping for some "leftovers" of her interaction that is reserved for her new "gf". I am actually kinda embarassed thinking about the shit I conjured up and planned in the past few days.

And going 12 hours somewhere just to drop off a suitcase, and then going home the same day for 12 another hours is dumb as shit. Can't believe I actually even considered doing that. I am either sending that stuff or leaving it with the local charity.

Here's a good rule of thumb:

Relationships can only go forwards or stay in a given position. They CANNOT go backwards.

So...

Strangers, Just Met, Breaking the Ice, start of relationship, progress, officially a couple, serious couple, moving in & marriage.

Those are the stages.

Oh and u can never be friends with an ex. In case it isn't obvious.

>Oh and u can never be friends with an ex. In case it isn't obvious.

Pretty much

That you Ross Geller or Holden McNeill?

In all seriousness, more often it's not a good jdea to stay im active friendship witj your ex. There may be exceptions but they are very, very few.

most of these people come from a different time when coming out is frowned upon. times are somewhat changing and people are more upfront, altough unfortunately you can still get caught in the crossfire if you are unlucky enough to end up with a closet.

Too long didnt read. And no

sorry for hijacking the op, but i may be in a same situation. my gf is suddenly talking to me about how she likes some chicks too and is probably bi. we still have sex and all that but should I be worried?

Maybe talk to her?

You are one dumb motherfucker, come back when you are old enough

Be very afraid.

cut her out of your mind and move on, plenty of fish to bad that one wasted your time

take a break from each other until seeing your ex with a new bf won't bother you anymore?

No

Step 1: liquor
Step 2: try to move on
Step 3: fail and drink more
Step 4: either grow indifferent or spiteful of her
Step 5: actually move on this time

I’ve stayed friends with my ex’s, but it’s not really a friendship. Like, you start off by easing out of the relationship by being friends like regular and hanging out here and there. But then, you kinda move on. I’ll catch up with my ex’s maybe once a month now. I enjoy their company but very much in moderation. One of them is respectful and gets it, but the other pretty frequently annoys me by doing things to try to grab my attention (like messaging family members, randomly messaging me some inflammatory shit, etc).

I think the most important part about staying friends with an ex is to communicate what your expectations are, and have them do the same. Clearly some people are on the same page about what “staying friends” means, and others aren’t. Ironically, it’s the one who respects my boundaries that I end up enjoying my time with and wanting to see more often. I hate feeling smothered, or like my ex is possessive/not over me. It makes me want to detatch.

>communicate what your expectations are, and have them do the same.

This.
it's quite clear both OP and his dyke of an ex handled it pretty poorly. first with her begging him to stay in her life after (and then subsequently throwing him along with her words under the bus when her new fuckbuddy came along, if that's true) and OP sticking around like a beaten dog hoping for..... what exactly?

its always important to set boundaries and expectations, or just cut the bullshit. life is too short to be preoccupied by people who dont want you in their life/cant be in yours.

tell her she has one week to get her stuff or you trough it in the trash. problems solved. as for the rest cut contact unless she spends energy to meet you.

Step 6: Fuck other chicks

if you havent done it by now, just let her know she can go pick up her stuff or send it to her and make her pay for it. if all that fails, jsut throw it away along with the rest of whatever connects you two.

you fucked up. you were clingy, needy and a bit possessive, since neither of you two managed to set up some proper ground rules. just learn from this and move on.

unless there is a threesome involved, I'd bail if I were you.

Doesn't always work if you suffer from oneitis but it can be a nice distraction for a while