My boyfriend won’t stop talking to his friend who has feelings for him...

We’re both broke and barely have enough to make rent every month, a trip is kind of out of the question.

I’ve told him that it upsets me but he just can’t seem to cut contact with her even though he’s done it with other girls at my request. It makes me think she must be special to him in some way.

This. Finding a girl who genuinely loves or likes us and wants to be with us is a rare thing for us guys. As long as she’s not fat or ugly it’s not really surprising he wants to keep her around just in case things don’t work out with OP.

The problem is I feel like even if he agrees to stop talking to her, he’ll just keep doing it in secret or when I’m not around. I feel kind of stupid for even being upset because the content of their messages is just “hope you have a nice day” “same to you” type stuff, but knowing she’s in love with him just makes it feel different.

Reading this I would likely trust your intuition on that one. If you let him know how seriously troubling it seems to be for your relationship and he shirks it off then idk what to say, perhaps more drastic measure are appropriate. An ultimatum of sorts.

If you're asking a question you already know she probably loves her too I'm sure you can tell by how they are around each other

I’ve never actually met her, he’s very careful to make sure we’re never at the same place at the same time. I know he spends time with her though. His neighbor at his old apartment saw us together once and asked him “where’s the other girl you’re always with?” and I know he was talking about her.

Ur just a butthurt roastie that knows ur not his only option so u cant whip him into a beta without fear of losing him, god ur a vapid mutt

You should find a guy with more money, then he can be with that other girl

I think that you are being unreasonable and on the way to a self fulfilling prophecy if you cannot relax. You are turning a good honest guy into a sneaky liar. You shouldn't tell people what friends they can have. Ive been having some chick "waiting" on me for 25 years. I've been married for twenty. My wife thinks it's cute. If she was gonna be a bitch about it, I probably would have considered something during a rough patch. The other girl has been a friend for a long time. Can't just fuck her off. We keep it almost appropriate.

get fucked OP. your bf sounds like an alpha and you need to do whatever it takes to keep him happy

I wish you were right but I went through his phone and my worst fears were confirmed. I found messages where he’s telling her that he thinks about her while he’s having sex with me, that he loves her but he can’t be with her right now because he’s with me and “the timing is off”, that he dreams about being able to make love to her one day. He also kissed her earlier this year.

>Naive anonymous normie poster who has sex seeks relationship advice from the wise clerics of 4channel.org, watercolor 2019

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You’re not being unreasonable. If your man was a “good honest guy”, he wouldn’t be sneaking around in the first place. He would actually communicate instead of being a pussy coward fuckboy who says anything he can to keep his sidegirl (aka backburner) interested. You need to confront him, this isn’t ok.

I'm a guy and I don't think it's unreasonable, so there's at least 1 person who agrees with you

>I went though his phone
He's a scumbag for what he did, but you lost all high ground and he's right to dump your controlling, distrusting, no-boundaries ass.

he’s telling another girl he loves her and dreams about fucking her but OP is the problem?

Nope. He just don’t care that much about the relationship, specially now that he can jump to a nee girl right away if you break up.
Sorry, you’re fucked. Get a better bf

tits or gtfo normalfag roastie

Hey so I was the girl in a kinda similar situation. He won't stop talking to her. So while she is foolish for wanting someone taken, you are foolish for forcing a relationship where you don't trust him or his feelings for you and he doesn't respect yours.

And of course there's always the full story that we don't know. What is the history between everyone here?

While your perspective is understandable, relationship issues like this are akin to grasping sand. Hold the sand too loosely and it'll slip through your hands, but too tightly and you'll squeeze it out through the cracks you've created.

Is this breaking news since your op? I may have worded this just a bit different. Still, you are looking at shit from your perspective. Every guy thinks about every bitch when they are fucking. That's not particularly a big deal if he is talking to an old friend. He may be expressing pity for her or just trying to be nice. You don't have business snooping. Guess Its best to tell him that you did and see where it goes. You have zero right to tell others who they can talk to. Do what you want. Maybe he's a dick. Idk. I played along with my lady in waiting a few times over the phone and it was because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I never lied to my wife about it but I also didn't disrespect her enough to give every detail. When text gets out of control, I'd pump the breaks a little and explain that that's what could have been and all. Yeah, men are pigs I guess. But you're making yourself into something you don't wanna be either.

I’ve known him for like 10 years but really more as casual aquaitances until he asked me out around 2 years ago. I think he’s known her for 8. A mutual friend told me he was unrequited in love with her for years when they first met, which was after he already knew me. Apparently he asked her out but she rejected him. So I guess I was his second choice. But if that’s true and she’s saying she loves him now, why doesn’t he just leave me to be with her?

>why doesn’t he just leave me to be with her?
Not that user but maybe because he likes you better.

your bf sounds like a chad.

If he likes me better why is he telling her he thinks about her while he has sex with me?

First of all stop listening to these pathetic incels.

She is an absolute threat. She's waiting for him? Like some literal fucking dog who lingers at the dinner table mooching for scraps? What a joke. And he's humouring her as a back up plan and for additional validation. Fuck no, this greedy, thirsty, pathetic faggot wants to eat his cake and have it too. Tell him to cut it off with her or else. This is emotional cheating and nobody would cry about controlling behaviour if he was actually fucking her. There are plenty of friends to be had in the fucking world he can forego this one pathetic cow.

Yeah see that's what I thought. What a greedy little monkey faggot. Dump immediately.

He probably feels guilty and responsible.
You know I havent been in his position or yours but I was the other girl. From trying to understand it, I was the first person he reslly truly liked and had been through a lot of bad relationships and family issues and financial issues and didn't feel good enough and settled. He knew that woman about a year or two before he met me,they fought a lot and broke up, he fell for me, we dated but life happens (I'll spare clogging your thread with it), he was with her but never let me out of his heart, and tried to reconcile and test my feelings without feeling like a dishonest person, while with her.

Of course it isn't the same situation but forget everything for a moment and ask yourself if you want to be someones second choice? And if you leave you are okay knowing they will likely end up together? You can't force or guilt him into staying, and you can't change his feelings. So focus on what you can do, which is your own actions.

Listen woman. Things make sense. They don't not make sense. Seems like there are a few ITT that have experienced similar situations. Use your brains.

>emotional cheating

nice meme.

emotional cheating isn’t a real thing. but OP said they kissed and i’d be willing to bet more than that happened if they’ve been spending time alone together.

Yeah it's all a meme until it happens to you, simpy. Then it's all "women are thots wahhh"

He's a fuckin scumbag and any sane woman knows that het men can't be trusted to maintain a platonic relationship with females. They simply do not have the self discipline and appreciation for women as human beings. Watch the incels prove me right ITT

The double standards is really disturbing. To the people itt that think this behavior is acceptable, no. It is never acceptable to be a disloyal and dishonest partner. He is clearly cheating on you with this girl.

He is keeping her so WHEN he breaks up with OP he has an alternative fucktoy lined up.

When I married my husband the first thing I did was force him off friendships with single women. Girlfriends of friends are fine but single women are out of the question. Then I'd find the inevitable message from his old female friend saying she misses him and I'd let her know, personally, that we were out enjoying eachother on holiday, or buying new furniture together, or having children. Men are monkeys and monkeys need a clean secure cage otherwise it's going to stink and he'll escape and make your life miserable.

how is he cheating if he’s not fucking her? man is clearly showing restraint.

He's saying he's going to and thinks about her during sex. Oh wow such restraint, really the pinnacle of discipline.

In an emotional sense I wouldnt say you are being unreasonable, but in a logical one you maybe. Maybe feeling comfortable in your rock solid relationship is what might do the trick?
Another farout idea would be to bring this girl in as a 3 some thing so your boy friend would get it out of his system and not talk so much.

I was in a similar situation as your boyfriend's. I just didn't want the girl who confessed to me feel bad. I'm kind of a too self righteous bastard and a sucker who tries to please everyone. It's almost like an OCD. Thankfully my girlfriend knew about this "mawkishly kind" side of me and knew I would never leave her for anyone.
We're still together.

This is just insecure and immature behavior. If men are monkies then you are a monkey here too. I say this as a woman too, if you have to force him to fall in line for you then that's just sad.

he didn’t say he was going to, just that he dreams about it. he can’t control what he dreams about, you stupid roastie.

advocating a 3 some because above all else the man must be made happy, fuck OPs security and self esteem.
Maybe, because women have it so easy, she should drop that utter pile of shit and pick up a half decent man. Wouldn't be that hard even the ugliest women get swarmed or so I am told.

And that's pretty much imminent adultery you dumb fuckin ape. You would not tolerate this from a woman. But you prob can't put yourself in that situation because you're an incel and a moron. Kys

Didy you also tell the girl that confessed to you that you fantasize about fucking her and think about her while you’re in bed with your girlfriend? Did you tell her you love her and want to be with her but the timing is just off?

Right so when you listen to red pillers advocate doing this to women, you have the same reaction. Right?

I guess there's a point hereBut that's the exact kind of shit a dude is going to resist. As he should. We aren't your dress up doll. We have our own friends and we aren't supposed to let our own life dwindle away for your sake. It often goes as far as "I don't want your brother coming around."
At least this bitch has some balls. Fucking passive aggressive lady's bullcrap. None of your business OP. If you don't like it, leave. Kissing. Grownups kiss all the time. I kiss others more than I do my wife and so does she.

you think kissing someone else when you’re in a relationship is ok?

>I wannabe free to fuck around

Ofc, it's a free country, be a fucking nigger and seed a bunch of pawgs, it's not illegal. And women are free to toss you aside like gutter trash, which is what I'm telling op to do.

He didn’t just kiss her. I pressured a friend of his for info and he said he’s seen them holding hands and looking like they’re a couple. Also said he knows they spent the night in a hotel together in Jan.

You should have left the second he told you, tf is wrong with you.

I think there is a lot of value put on harmless things.
Wtf are you talking about? I've been married for over twenty years and nobody's fucking around on anyone. I'm white btw, she's not.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL IN THAT RELATIONSHIP YOU RETARD, load up tinder right now. Right now. See the options before you. Never put up with this shit again.

I don't really know what this means?

I don't think people should control others but rather find someone compatible with them. Single woman aren't the issue, it's ones who flirt or have bad intentions, and a man who loves his partner would push them away himself. It just sounds like a headache of a relationship, I've never had this problem at all, guys don't cheat on me, and I don't care if someone flirts with them while they are out. It happens more often to me that guys become interested so I distance myself, I don't talk to him in secret waiting for my partner to force me not to, I can't even comprehend this happening.

Compatible ideals is best.
Find someone you can mutually trust, respect, and communicate with.

With all the bits of information you keep revealing slowly slowly in replies it's pretty clear you're either larping or you detest him. You're just trying to justify and build up courage to break up right?
Just do it.

it wasn't a literal statement about you, you tone deaf autist.

I know further information will come as we go but why is this advancing in such a way? You started out like everything was kosher. It is getting worse as we go. Is this yummy bait? Maybe take a leaf from monkey bitch. Let this chick know how everything is going and she may fuck off. Ask him what's up with this shit. Go score a better guy if this one is so shitty. You gain do it.

Now I see. There is a lot going on here. I did not recognize you. I will be your left fist.

No I’m not larping, I’m just finding all this stuff out for the first time and figured it was relevant. Though obviously now it’s pretty obvious I should dump him I guess. But we just moved in together a few months ago and I can’t help thinking we could work it out if he would just cut all contact with her.

I honestly thought it was all kosher until I went through his phone and messaged his friend for info. Sort of regret doing it because ignorance is bliss but I guess it’s better to know.

So, this is unfolding as we speak?

And I think that's really naive for our current cultural climate. Actually naive in general. That's okay for little dinky relationships like flings and such but I have children to think about and I can't risk him becoming anyone's baby daddy.
Like I generally trust that he won't, but sometimes I'll snoop on his phone when he's sleeping and he's chatting it up in some degenerate femdom channel waiting to roleplay about licking someone's shoes. There is something wrong with the XY chromosome and I think controlling behaviour is practical and just good sense.

I thought the whole thing was harmless and could be solved by communicating the right was till I read this post. Run far away from that utter retard

Wow muh lady, that's some stud you got there. I get upset if I fat thumb my Jow Forums and end up on a less respectable board. I'm sure you guys are great though. All kinds of ways. Yours seems good. I'm definitely thinking evil thoughts all the time but self sacrifice is good for me, especially when nobody knows I'm doing it.

Okay well I'm just sorry for you.
Not attacking you. You aren't wrong entirely, this is your reality. Live well.

you are not special snowflake, you are replacable so bear it in mind and do some work to make your bf stay whit you
bitch

IMO it will never work out. You'll always have suspicions he'll always prevaricate. The best thing is to get over as soon as possible and move on, find someone else.

hey stop flirting with OP

If they spent a night together and he cant admit it. He is not just disloyal, hes a coward. Wolfish men may fuck a hoe then not care about them, or if u find out the next day. But a snake is not the kind of animal you want to keep sleeping next to every night. He will bite you when you least expect it. Dont let him sink his teeth back into when she loses interest. Dont let him whine and cry to you when it all blows up in his face. Because I can assure you it will. Backstabbing cheaters almost never get their happy ending. The thrill is gone once their s.o finds out. Best revenge you could get really.

If he wanted to cheat, he would. If he loved her more, he wouldn't be with you. He's just a dipshit.

Reverse situation. Men are worthless on the dating market.

Let the dude go OP, there's a million of his kind out there and thousands who are better than him, and plenty who would be eager to have you as their gf.

I've been in the same boat. You're not wrong. At all. There should never be talk about breaking up, and your boyfriend isn't stupid, he knows her intentions. It should be a meaningless friendship but yeah, he is definitely keeping her around for when or if you two seperate. But even if he did agree to stop talking to her he might go behind your back. Save yourself some time and find someone who respects you. Please.

That should always be assumed lol. Women will never settle for less than Chad

Wow...lots to unpack here

Seriously dont worry about it. Guys don't often have people who love them so when they do, it's nice to have them around even if the love is not reciprocated. He loves you. Let him have this.

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This is what happens when you have no purpose in life and have nothing to offer women but a dick. Yeah men do that too, but dick isn't as in demand as pussy so we get a bunch of loser incels going "women never wuv us let him cuck you op!" as if op can't see the idiocy in that, and I won't let her fall for your dinky little incel tricks.

States the obvious while OP is trying to understand what is hidden. Ruining a nice ending. Op can dart at will. Must be a little more to it. Is is good to find what she wants. Now what we want.

Wow your husband sounds like a little bitch boy lol

This

OP I'd tell him exactly this - you're in a relationship for the long haul and not going to be in one with someone who doesn't respect and love you enough to keep appropriate boundaries with other women. Leading on another woman who's made it clear she wants him romantically or sexually is inappropriate. Tell him since neither if them can respect the boundaries of your relationship he can go be with her, there's a 90% chance she wouldn't have sex with him any more than you do. Act unbothered. Go to bed or something. Just leave him to think.

Either he picks you or her.

It is.

He already “picked me” in a way since he has stopped seeing her irl since we moved in together, but it bothers me that he still replies to her texts. He even jokingly said to her “I want a divorce” a few weeks ago and laughed when she said he’s stuck with her. He *did* ask her to stop saying she loves him so often, he said “not even married couples say it that much.” but also admitted the real reason is because he’s afraid I might see it and force him to stop talking to her.

I hate this kind of thread makes me want to kill myself more and more. I'm still a virgin and going to be 20 and you guys have a love triangle going on which can be solved by communication and putting some firm boundaries.

Why bitches be like this? Sounds like you're going need to do something. At least a little something.

If it makes you feel better I’m 26, the other girl is 29 and my boyfriend is 31.

ahh the ol' "when confronted talk like an incoherent dipshit" tactic. What a faggot. The only thing more to it is a lack of self esteem not being helped by her retarded partner. Men and boys need structure and they need to have the concept of consequences reaffirmed otherwise they don't fucking get it and think that because they compartmentalize affairs that it's perfectly fucking okey dokey. They'll never empathize with women because they don't work the same way. They can spin plates all day and not give a single fuck for what the women think. They're men, they fuck, and they obey under threat, why the hell do you think drill sergeants are such assholes? And why do you think that's effective enough to be the default method of training recruits?

Because men are fucking animals.

No more of a bitch boy than OP's boyfriend, hiding his fucking love texts because he's probably some fucking ugly ass little faggot who can't guarantee he'll keep one girl so he tries to keep the both that give him attention.

it's very clear what the non incel normies in this thread think. if you're still clinging to that pile of shit because of something personal you need to take steps to fix that and then you will naturally realize that you have zero time for this shit. I assume you're under 30, do you really want to waste that time on this shitheap when you could be looking for someone better? Like I've long since hit the wall and believe me there is a fucking time limit. Do not waste it.

If he is still secretly chatting up a woman who loves him and spent the night with in a hotel....he didnt pick you sweetie. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too. With this kind of cowardly behavior he probably has low self esteem. So he would rather have more than one womans attentions. Feels too good for him to stop. Dont lie to yourself. He turned his back on you by doing this. And theres nothing stopping him from doing as he pleases. This is just a way to make him feel better about himself. So why would he care how he is making you feel? He wont. He doesn't.

>If he is still secretly chatting up a woman who loves him and spent the night with in a hotel....he didnt pick you sweetie.

Even if their chats are totally platonic now? He only messages her once or twice a week to say hey and that he hopes she’s well and nothing more.

Nice use of meaningless Jow Forums speak. You did fine from the start and are now just trying to sway opinion based on your hatred without knowing a lot about the situation. You ask no questions and reference nothing specific. You have no value here. OP has never invited your opinion as to if she should leave. She had begun with an effort to understand if her own feelings are reasonable and it has grown into a mystery that requires further searching. Your point of view could be a valuable ingredient as it is counter to some of the main arguments and makes double the sense of the other butthurts in this thread. There are appropriate places for senseless ranting but this is for helping people in the direction that they are interested in going. You are not at the helm.

I've never dated anyone but I've read enough books and I saw how my father acted.
Dump him and find a dude who'd make the woman he's dating his priority. At the moment he's probably trying to decide between remaining in a relationship with you since he kinda likes you and it's a bother to break up and dropping you for her. In the worst case they'd be fucking behind your back

>Nothing inappropriate but it bothers me that he refuses to cut her off when he knows she loves him AND knows how much it bothers me. Am I being unreasonable?

A little, yeah.

Honestly, it is NOT your right to be able to dictate who your partner can and cannot hangout with. That is overstepping he boundaries of your relationship. You are supposed to be his partner, not his parent.

Not only is it not your right, as you’ve learned, it is also incredibly ineffectual to try to do so.

At the same time, as a partner, it is also his responsibility to be mindful and respectful of your boundaries and desires (the same way you should be towards his—which neither of you are in this case).

In situations where one persons boundaries and desires clashes with their partners (like this one), there are only exactly two solutions that work out:

1.) Talk it out and reach a Compromise
2.) End the relationship

Everything else will fail, because as long as both people think they are on the justified end of the moral high ground, neither will ever feel that any of their actions should change.

I don’t even think a compromise will work in this case. The only compromise OP is looking for is “never talk to the other girl again” and if her bf really does consider the girl a true friend (regardless of other feelings he may have) then even if he agrees, he will eventually feel bitter and resentful. If OP is the one to compromise then she’ll be the one feeling that way. This relationship will never work long term, I give it another year or 2 tops, and even if it lasts longer it won’t be a happy and drama free union.