I think I want to get a divorce for real actually after thinking about it for mon(years)ths but trying to chug along and putting effort in because young kids.
Today my husband had it on the calendar like some autist that it was "[Husband] and friend day" where he's hanging out with one of his friends. This guy lives down the street and they can hang out any day. He's also been hanging out with him since 10AM today (8 hours). Cool, I'm supportive of him with his friend time, whatever, I have girl friend time.
I'm supposed to go into work at 8pm, wherein he would usually come home to stay with the kiddos. Instead around lunch time he got his parents to come get the kids so he could go out all night. I nap like a MF because I work nights til 3am and as a SAHM during the day any extra sleep is glorious. I wake up and think, oh my gosh why am I not making time to see my husband I love without the kids during the day he's off work? So I call him and ask. He says basically, he had "plans" aka just being with that guy friend til exactly 8pm when I go to work then to other friend's house. So, he can't/won't leave a little bit earlier than planned to see me for a second before work. I also work at a bar, so it's not like he can't just stop by. But he doesn't consider this, or give a fuck that we never get daylight without kids to ourselves.
I'm hurt, he's being an asshole. I tell him this. He says 'maybe another day.' This is the first chance we've had/will have to meet during the day without kids in about two months, and he knows this. When he hears I'm legit sad on the phone he starts accusing me of being manipulative and attacking me.
If we were dating and not married with kids I'd have just pulled the plug already. I know this relationship is toxic, I don't want to not see my kids every day. I can't move out and take them because he at least isn't hitting anyone. I'm a maid/babysitter/sex doll to him. I can't live like this any more. Wat do?
>maid/babysitter/sex doll Where do I find a woman like this?
Camden Peterson
Have you two tried marriage therapy? Sometimes couples just need an unbiased outside perspective and a trained professional may be able to step in and help you two see things that perhaps you weren't able to before. Your love-language probably isn't the same, so they could help you find new ways to communicate and work it out.
As a divorcee myself, I wish I had done this before I left. I wish I had exhausted every option before quitting so that I can say that I tried everything to make it work, but the truth of it is that I didn't by choice and I have to live with that. Thankfully, we never had kids. I can't imagine what that would be like.
I would suggest that you exhaust ever option before leaving. This way you can leave with confidence.
Marital counseling. Let someone who's actually in a room with the two of you figure out what's really going on.
Ryder Cruz
have you actually asked him if that's all you are? a maid/babysitter/sexdoll?
You should spend time with your spouse. I don't understand how in god's name that guy can think his relationship is going well if he doesn't make time for his woman. As a man I sincerely don't get it, but I know that when I was younger I tended to also fall into this trap where all I wanted to do was hang out with friends. Maybe he's reverted to that type of mentality.
Divorce shouldn't be the first thing you jump to though OP. If you guys need work, you need work. He needs to start working on things, and if he actually has some valid things that YOU need to work on definitely listen to him.
By the sound of things though, he just isn't making time for you. What does he do with his friend?
John Reed
You sound like a teenager. You shouldn't have had kids so early, you clearly weren't mature enough to cope with not controlling another human. He's not being an asshole, you are, and it's why he doesn't want to spend time with you. Nobody likes desperation.
Austin Richardson
Stop putting women on a pedestal, men don't want to spend time with women who are boring or selfish.
It's a two way street.
Alexander Bennett
So, okay, we've actually tried that. Twice. Meaning, I found a therapist that would accept my low-income insurance and basically do it for free.
The first therapist was a woman, before we had kids. He tried to lie to her to make it seem like I wasn't trying to make it work, even though I found us the counselor. She told us since I was trying to work it out he needed to make up his mind to commit or not. I filed for divorce a week later he decided to try to commit and asked me not to leave him. I withdrew it and things were better for a minute.
The second therapist, after kids, we went twice. Both times he steamrolled me the whole time (talked about his view of things about how I was being unreasonable expecting him to do normal relationship things like show he cared, how he didn't trust me and tried to make it like that's my problem, talked about how frustrated/deprived/angry/victim he was, didn't take a breath for me to talk and the therapist even said once "let's take it down a notch" to try to get him to shut up). It was a shit show so I called it off.
As far as I know they're just getting dinner right now. Nothing crazy, he could stop by the bar I work after he's done there but... yeah. Didn't want to think about it. I'm sure there are things I could work on. We have sex at least once a week. I've tried upping that in the past and given him blowjobs for three months straight one time and it did nothing.
My mom is still married to her godawful abusive husband who's got her kind of in the same position and I never understood it. Neither of us got degrees or high-paying jobs, though she opened a business later it still didn't bring in what he made. I guess I understand better now why she stayed but I don't know if it was best for anyone. I don't know what's best for me or the kids either.
Blake Parker
Seeing women as equal isn't putting them on a pedastal. Marriage and relationships are about both giving the same amount of effort. It sounds like you're confusing two-way street with one-way street. I put my partner on a pedastal and they put me on a pedastal. Friends don't get between that. Are you stupid?
Jeremiah Reyes
>I filed for divorce a week later he decided to try to commit and asked me not to leave him. Sounds like you're paying the idiot tax.
Colton Campbell
Did you actually listen to what he said in therapy? lmao
Hunter Williams
How can it not be DOA if you have to talk someone into what should be natural instinct with someone you like?
The dirty secret of life is that men and women are here to make each other miserable. The dream of reconciliation, and stable productive love with your total opposite is a needed delusion to produce children. Nature's joke on us to be slaves to getting DNA in more places.
He might be straight but homomantic, or just immature, tell me what is worse. Find your self a nice lady who can understand your complex needs as a person. Mid life lesbianism is totally a thing for a reason, companionship which is women's primary need over sex.
Christopher Walker
You missed the point entirely, why are you here giving advice?
Why would you put your spouse on a pedestal when they call you an asshole behind your back for spending time with a friend? You earn your time together, you don't just get to claim hours out of their day to fuck around doing what you want unless you do the same for them. Do you not see the real issue here? That this supposed husband doesn't want to spend time with her - why? What did she do to drive him away?
Elijah White
Oh dear. He does sound toxic. I'm sorry but I think you're right. If he's not willing to put in the effort and change his behavior despite getting professional help and talking to him about your feelings, then it would be in your best interest (and your childrens, as they are watching and learning how to adult) to begin the separation process. You deserve better and you're not going to get it from him. Part of teaching children how to be an adult, is showing them how to stand up for yourself and how to gracefully bow out of a bad relationship.
I wish you luck, sis. This is going to suck, but you're not alone and there's tons of support groups out there to help you. Do you have family to catch you when you need it?
Jose Johnson
Yep you're a narcissist 110%. You fit all the signs. Seek professional help or you'll just kill another 50 more relationships that had potential.
The longer you refuse to confront your psychological problem the more damage you will do.
Not an argument. Look into the symptoms, read through OP's comments and you'll see I am correct.
Jack Clark
I saw the validity of what you were saying otherwise, but no I'm afraid you've completely lost me when it comes to the narcissism claim. It came so out of left field--and now with such a non-explanation--that it screams projection from your own experiences.
David Lee
Lmao that's the definition of irony there. Look at you, from the start of this thread you totally ignored OP's consistent refusal to admit any wrongdoing at any stage whatsoever while demonising the supposed intent of her SO. Hey, that's narcissism. You know what else? You're psychologically damaged as well. You are the typical narcissist enabler: incapable of objective analysis of an account of events due to a messiah complex.
Go fuck yourself.
Michael Davis
BONUS ROUND: your messiah complex with women means that you never objectively assess your OWN behaviour either, making you a less harmful narcissist.
Jayden Bailey
>you totally ignored I wasn't that person. I was the second one who recommended counseling and then called OP an idiot.
>OP's consistent refusal to admit any wrongdoing It didn't seem to me like she was even taking that line of thought seriously. A minor point but I see a difference between dismissing an argument and refuting it.
You also used the word narcissist an uncomfortable amount of times in these two posts. I already knew what we were talking about. Why do you keep saying the word over and over again, and so passionately? Do you see now how you kind of sound hung up on this ONE particular idea, sort of like you have a lot of personal history with it?
Look I'm no expert in this so I'm open to hearing about your diagnosis for OP, especially if you have first-hand experience. You just came at this like a freight train.
Gabriel Miller
And before you deny being unable to objectively assess your own behaviour, you claimed I was a narcissist while simultaneously either lying about or wilfully misrepresenting the reality of an obvious situation to engraciate yourself to a vulnerable person.
Ethan Cook
Buddy, let's maybe dial this down a notch. You're spamming responses faster than you can even read mine.
Adrian Robinson
and you're a weak ass troll
Ryan Howard
what about my post made you think that I put women on a pedestal?
Can someone explain to me what the fuck I said that indicated that? Jesus christ this user is fucking retarded.
Ryan Sanchez
How the fuck is she being desperate shes literally asking for the bare minimum and he's being a shitty asshole about it and clearly isn't taking her feelings into consideration
Adrian Perry
Don't know why there's so many shitheads attacking you here.
It sounds like he doesn't want to put in any effort into your relationship. He sounds very selfish and narcissistic. If he can become more involved and change to become better I'd give it a shot but sounds like he's gonna be a complete bitter asshole. I'd say stay with him for the kids but it sounds like he doesn't even give a shit about them so I say keep pushing for a divorce.
You're putting in way more effort into the relationship than he is. If you really can't stand him then get the big Divorce and be done with him.
Mason Davis
Sounds like he hates you. Pretty stupid to stay imo.
Elijah Hall
I went through something similar with my now ex, tried counselling, but he wanted to spend time with his friends, drugs, and fucking other women OP, don't live your life miserably like your mom. Yes, you'll be a divorced single mom but you can make your own happiness now, just focus on you, go back to school, etc If you do plan on leaving him (and I hope you do, he's gaslighting you), start making plans now, not later. Go get an STD test, plan on custody, lawyer, health insurance, etc. Get your own accounts for everything, as soon as seperation papers are on the way, open another bank account. He sounds like the kind of guy that will try to "punish" you and your kids, so please take care
Caleb Rogers
Man, that really sucks for you. I'm sorry. It hurts when the people we love treat us like garbage. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I'd suggest confronting him about it. Tell him you don't like the way the relationship has been for a long time. If it's something you want, tell him you want to work it out, even if that means therapy. If you're sure you absolutely don't want to be with this man anymore, then tell him that too. Try not to blame him. If he asks why you can tell him (you've been neglected, and tried to reach out to him about it, but he lashed out at you). Expect him to get very angry. People generally don't like being at fault for things. Good luck friendo
