This might not the the best place to ask for advice on this, but some of you guys can be really helpful so here goes: how should I go about getting into polyamory while in a commited relationship? Important details:
>Am engaged, fiance suggested it initially, not me, and is generally cool with exploring this, if its done right >She is asexual (but sex positive), so while I would be branching out to other partners for sex, its unlikely that she would do the same, or at least not to the extent that I might. >The idea is for me to get my sex needs fulfilled in ways that she can't consistently (we have sex about once a month) - in a way this is consentual. She may look to date other people on the side romantically, but we'd be each other's primary/nesting partners (we own a home together) >She's done this before, I haven't, although I have engaged in casual sex a few times in the past. We're both decently experienced, have each had over a dozen sex partners in the past, and are in our mid-late 20s.
I wonder where to start/how hard it'll be to find interested others, particularly as a man looking for women. I'm probably at an automatic disadvantage as a guy, but we live in a decently large, progressive city. I'm also very attractive, tall, and fit, if that improves my chances.
Anyone here with experience? Thoughts? Suggestions? (Pic unrelated)
Almost guaranteed to fuck up in alnost every concievable manner and if a duet of people is already complex, handling 4 or more people interacting with eatchother can be a disaster. You look it up by googling websites, you do it by experience.
I recomend you do not let that happen and that you can find a better way to solve your issues but its Jow Forums, most people here want validation, not solutions or feedback.
Jeremiah Flores
No personal experience but I know more than average about them because it was superhot in my uni and many couples attempted this. It's HARD. You need top notch communication skills and most young people are skittish discussing vulnerable things.
Most people go "wow I could never let my partner fuck someone else" but truly if you want polyamory (and not just an open relationship) then being okay with your partner fucking someone else is the absolute threshold. A lot more is added to that, like >how will you feel if you really want to see your partner but they are not just unavailable but on a date/in bed with someone else? how will you feel if you call them after a shit day at work and they are going "ooohh sorry user gotta run I have a first date!" >they have less time for you - less energy and libido is debatable, a good sex life or infatuation with others can really make someone come alive emotionally, but time is the one thing you can't magic more of >your partner is going to have inside jokes, cutesy rituals, midnight whispered confessions, "our" songs - with someone else, are you 100% comfortable with that?
Of course you can try to squash this issue by making each other #1 and every other partner secondary. Now the first question is will it hold. If you find a lovely girl who makes you giggle like a teenager and feel butterflies AND attacks you in bed like your partner never did, are you sure that you are not going to fall too hard to want her as a "second best"? The second issue is that it's not a very attractive offer to a potential partner to play second fiddle and this is going to massively impact your shots with others especially with highly attractive people with the looks and the maturity and the charm, that can have their pick of poly dynamics to be part of.
John Long
Say everything goes according to plan, your girlfriend is fine with it, you thrive, you find cute girls willing to join the fun. Then you have to talk about stuff like >can your gf befriend your other girls? >can you bring (fuck) them in your shared home? >are they (ever) going to meet your parents? >can they post flirty stuff on your social media for fiancé's family and friends to see? >how bad of an "emergency" does it need to be for her to interrupt one on one time with a different partner? >can you fuck her friends? her sister? her ex? your coworker you already see every day? that girl she's always been jealous of? >STDs (assuming do open mouthed kissing together) - what kind of protection, testing etc?
Basically, even in the very best case scenario you are going to go over many many aspects of this again and again and again. Not just practicality for the arrangement but also working through feelings of inferiority/insecurity, jealousy, you name it. People work in unexpected ways. It's very possible that being desired by someone else will bring up some old hurt that you can't share THIS with your fiancé for example. You have to be able to work through all that together.
Because you want to get married and sex is not an option for her I think it's worth exploring but this is going to be a wild ride. And it's definitely not in any way guaranteed that your relationship will survive.
Carter Bennett
Polyamory is a meme. There's no love at all, it's just a polite word to say "I'm on the dick carousel and I want to have a harem of men always free anytime to fill me"
Jayden Peterson
Try on /r sex, because Jow Forums users could be mostly mentally ill, but they are not cucks at their internal core.
Bentley Rodriguez
Polyamory is for cucks in denial Nice album btw
Xavier Rodriguez
Kind of amazing to see the difference in the quality of the posts here, lol.
Eli Sanchez
Thanks for the honest feedback. You raised a lot of points that need to be confronted - some I have, others I haven't. If she wants to be sexual or romantic with someone else I'd say its fine by me so long as communication remains open, and so long as I am always her "home base" and she is for me. We both have high emotional intelligence and communicate well...but that doesn't mean there won't be challenges.
I trust her, she trusts me. This means we trust each other to have intimate aspects of our lives with *other* people, while still remaining true to each other.
The two big things to consider that you shined a light on are TIME and making a secondary partner feel inferior because, well, they would be *secondary.*
What are your thoughts on approaching or overcoming issues there?
Tyler Green
Jow Forums in a nutshell
Michael Kelly
I'm currently in one.
>asexual but sex positive >nesting partners Same here. Partner's asexual, I'm not. This whole thing started as an open relationship, but eventually I met someone I started to have feelings for and when I told my partner, they said see where it goes and we've become poly. Hanging out on occasion, etc.
>done it before This is good. Experience is good. This type of situation is complicated and the more relationship/people experience and communication skills you have, the better. Some things you need to accept: you're probably going to hurt each other, just know that it's not on purpose. You're going to get jealous, but you'll get over it. Remember to talk to each other. Don't just invite anyone into your life unless you've vetted them and labelled them someone mature enough to handle the complexity of the relationship.
>if its done right Yeah, it's fantastic and it can change the way you think about relationships, people and honesty. Don't forget that it's a growing experience. You're gonna fuck up some days, you'll make breakthroughs on others.
>where to find people >hard as a guy That's fucking hard. I'm gay so shit like this is probably not as crazy sounding as it might sound to straight people. People are going to ask about your relationship seemingly out of good faith just to tell you off and pontificate their opinion but all you can do is be open and honest about what you're looking for. I've had better luck using "romantic friendship" as opposed to whatever meme poly term is in right now.
Good luck.
Thomas Hughes
>my woman is asexual >she wants dicks that aren't mine
>says she's asexual >has had at least a dozen sex partners >mid-20s with at least a dozen sex partners and has done poly-shit before >says she's asexual
Time is precious, treat it like that. Always arrange and plan/pick days you want to spend with each other so no on will feel like they get pushed aside when an unexpected date or something comes up. If you need time with someone, say you need time with them.
As for the secondary thing, that depends on the person. Some people will be okay with it, some people won't be. What helps is remembering that your relationship and the moments you spend with one person are unique to that person. Stop worrying about who's best and just enjoy each other in the moment.
Dylan Barnes
>Trying Polyamory? Step 1: Kill yourself Step 2: There are no other steps, the world has already been made a better place.
Justin Lewis
Why are you marrying an asexual woman? It seems like a recipe for disaster. Do you want to have children together? If the answer to that is no, then reconsider what you are doing.
Christopher Martin
Fantastic advice, thanks again.
I know Jow Forums and Jow Forums are both shit heaps, as a long time lurker. But I'm glad that I took the time to ask.
Henry Walker
these
op, you're gonna lose her if you haven't already.
David Ramirez
kek I love you Jow Forums
Hunter James
eat a bullet
James White
there's nothing to discuss really, this is disgusting
Angel Allen
There are other solutions to your problem user other than poly-whatever. By the way good album in the pic you posted.
Brody Walker
>Suggestions? Leave her
Lucas Bennett
Is there a glory of condom-less sex for polyamorous people (I guess not)? How can someone trust their partners’ partners and their respective partners?
Nathaniel Walker
Thanks for actually posting something constructive.
Aiden Ross
Everywhere is a shit heap for poly advice, honestly. Advice ranges from airy-fairy to all sorts of weird shit. Do what works and don't bother with molding your relationship after someone else's. I've only spoken from experience here.
And another thing is to note is that you are perfectly allowed to set boundaries. Don't think that you're allowed to accept everything because you're supposed to be "poly" or "open-minded", if something isn't making you feel good, speak up. All of your feelings are valid.
Also, if you feel pushed aside because your partner is getting some attention from someone new or exciting, do not go out revenge-seeking a new partner for some attention yourself. I did this shit about two months ago and it didn't end well. Ask for time (reasonably), and use the time you can't have with them for hobbies or spend it with your other partner(s).
It's risky and complicated, yeah. You're going to have to settle with spending money on pricier condoms if you're scared, they make a big difference.
