Forced into fatherhood

Guys, idk what to do.
My gf had an IUD, and apparently it managed to dislodge itself and move a few months ago and surprise, I just discovered two weeks ago that she's 18 weeks pregnant.

Neither of us ever wanted kids. I MILITANTLY did not want kids, and we had agreed that if this ever happened, that we would terminate.

You guessed it, she is now refusing to terminate.
She's taking this even further though, and is making it crystal clear that my opinion and my distress means absolutely nothing and that she is going to do whatever the fuck she wants to do.
At first, we fought for about a week before she "came around" and agreed to terminate. That was a lie. She wanted to do the ultrasound first because "she felt she owes it that much" but afterward she told me she's keeping it and never intended to term at all.

Then last Friday we get the call that they found a heart defect in the ultrasound. It's indicative of downs- about 25% of people with down syndrome have it, and even if she doesn't, she still had a hole in her heart that will require open heart surgery within the first couple months. We won't get the results from the test back for up to another couple weeks, but if it isn't downs, she still won't term, and wants to do the surgery. I again have no choice.

She's saying that she doesn't want to drag me into anything and she'll leave my name off the birth certificate, but after everything she's pulled in the last two weeks, I can't believe her. Even if she's telling the truth, I still can't handle this. I've been extremely anti-kid since I was 10 years old. It's part of my identity.

This shit isn't supposed to happen to people like me, guys. I did things right. She had an IUD. I'm only 24, I lived with my parents until I was 22 so I could save up and buy my own house. I didn't get to have a life, I was just starting. What the fuck, how do I cope with this? Why is this legal? Why can you do this to people? What the fuck do I do? How do I function?

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> I did things right.
You didn't wear a condom. You made this bed now you get to sleep in it.

>I did things right. She had an IUD.
Never trust contraception to SOMEONE else unless you intend to have a kid with her or marry her.

>I didn't get to have a life, I was just starting.
Pretty much.

>What the fuck, how do I cope with this?
You need to grow up in a hurry and learn to be a father.

>Why is this legal? Why can you do this to people?
You share responsibility for this situation. Do what to people though? The alternative would be mandating and court ordering abortions. You are the FATHER whether you like it or not.

>What the fuck do I do? How do I function?
You learn to live for someone else as best you can, or be a deadbeat so that your child will piss on your grave.

There is a lesson here. Abortion benefits men and demanded by men far more than a woman.

>What the fuck do I do?
You do what most men do. You leave and not look back.

Wow.
I was lied to from the start, and yet I am still in the wrong here?

There's no way of knowing that you were 'lied to.'
More likely she just had a change of heart once she was actually in the situation you had only hypothetically thought about before.

You are wrong because of what said
Never trust contraception to SOMEONE else unless you intend to have a kid with her or marry her.

There is your justification to leave her and the baby. Go live your life and don't look back.

I just hope you take off instead of what some men do, kill the woman.

>I did things right
Doing things right means not having sex until you’re married or at least can afford it financially. You didn’t even use a condom, dipshit. You must deal with the consequences now. Sack up

She admitted it.

I'll concede 'wrong' in that I made the mistake of trusting somebody else, which was the wrong decision - but I will not accept blame for this. We had an understanding and an agreement that she backed out of.

If you expect me to believe that you aren't a flaming hypocrite you're absolutely insane. Drop the holier than thou bullshit and step into reality for a goddamn minute.

Admitted what?

Also you're contradicting yourself. Did she "back out" of an agreement or make it speciously in the first place, which would be a lie like you're claiming.

What’s insane about holding off on sex until marriage? It’s not that far-fetched. You got yourself into this situation and you’re acting pretty entitled. This is the risk your accepted once you had unprotected sex. Sure, it’s kinda shitty that she didn’t hold up her end of the deal but that’s generally the nature of women, and you should have prepared for that by at least using a condom

The agreement was that neither of us wanted kids, and that if something happened, we would terminate.

Until crunch time. She backed out, we fought, and she 'came around'. Then a week later, after the ultrasound, she tells me that she never intended to terminate and its never going to happen unless there's a health issue.

Now there's a health issue, and she still won't let it go.

>wah waaaaahhhhhhh sex did what it was supposed to!
>how can this be happening to me!?!?

>step into reality for a goddamn minute.
Reality: If anything goes bad in her life and she isn't 100% secure financially, you will owe child support for the next 18 years.

Reality: This wasn't an immaculate conception, so you share the BLAME. "We had an understanding!" you exclaim, yet perhaps YOU should have considered that people don't always act rationally.

Reality: You opinion or a non-binding verbal agreement doesn't matter an iota to the court or judge.

Break up with her she will not change her mind.

We didn't have unprotected sex, dipshit. She had an IUD- literally the most effective form of protection short of abstinence.

Furthermore, how is she not the one acting entitled in this situation?

I wouldn't be using the adversarial tone if you didn't come in guns blazing on your high horse on a sensitive topic you know nothing about.

Why is it that this is not called "bait" but anything I post dealing with women is? Heh. Only men can be painted in a bad light

I am not contesting these facts.

I dunno man. I just wanted someone to help me figure out how to get excited about this, or some way to put this in a positive light. Instead, people are tripping over themselves to yell at me because my gf lied to me.

>I just wanted someone to help me figure out how to get excited about this, or some way to put this in a positive light.
You might want to delete this thread and remake it then where you actually ask for that because all I read in the OP is you feeling sorry for yourself and taking not one iota of responsibility for yourself.

Yeah I shouldn't have made it in the first place. I should have known better than to expect people to pass up an opportunity to harass somebody.

>some way to put this in a positive light.
Perhaps you should think about the benefits of being a father to your child. Why not think about what you could do for your own progeny instead of simply yourself. It doesn't seem like you want to give your child much of an upside.

Let's be real, either she has the kid or doesn't. If she has the kid, you can stay (which you won't) or leave. If she doesn't have the kid, do you really think the relationship will still be there? It won't, so you might as well leave now and leave her to choose to have the kid or not.

My primary concern is that I'm going to resent her.
I'm a very bitter person, and this is a world-ending event for me. I hear people say that it changes everything, but I know myself, and I really don't think I'll be able to let it go.

And if I do that, I know she'll know. Kids are smart.
I know there are 'upsides,' but they're all things I always looked at negatively. Stuff I never knew because I never had kids. I'm so scared that if I bite the bullet and stick around, I'm going to be a horrible father and negatively impact her as well as myself. I don't know man and it's terrifying. Not to mention that things with her mother are beyond fucked.

Birth control isn’t proper protection, retard. It’s a back up for a broken condom. Like it or not, It’s her baby and she has a right to keep it. You’re trying to get her to kill her baby for your own selfish reasons all because you didn’t want to use a condom. This shit is literally taught in sex Ed courses and you still fucked it up.

Literally eat a bullet.

I guarantee your gf will resent you. Been right were you are and it won't matter if she has the baby or has an abortion. Your relationship is over now.

>don't want kids, ever
>don't want them so much you say it's part of your identity
>has sex anyway
You are a degenerate and a world-class retard.

>I'm going to be a horrible father and negatively impact her as well as myself.
You know what, you aren't in the best position to be a father. But you know what is better than no father, one who at least tries to do the right thing. It isn't about your girl friend or you, but your child. The child is blameless here and will want to know you. Do you really have no interest in shaping who your child will become? Do you want to leave it to a single mother to guide the child? When you are old and gray, will you feel anything if you find out that your child ended up living in a trailer park in an abusive/hostile relationship, going from relationship to relationship without a male role model to be that pillar of the family?

You first, hedonist

Oh I'm well aware of that. I couldn't care less after what she did.
Its the kid that I'm concerned about. She is tragically ill-equipped to be a mother. Leaving her with full custody would be setting the kid up for failure, but if I fight for custody, now I have to be a parent- something I never wanted, and am not ready for.

However cold it is to say, I don't feel any connection to this kid. It just feels cruel to leave her in this chicks custody.

Don't call him retard that's offensive regarding OP's situation soon

Man all of you guys are fucking hilarious.
How is never having sex treating you? You practice what you preach, right?

See
Yes. It’s really not that hard. Basic self control.

Hey whatever you say dude. I dont believe you.

>How is never having sex treating you?
It doesn't affect me at all. If I'm ever in a position to marry, it will also pay off in spades. Imagine being such a base form of life that the prospect of going a few years without penile stimulation is enough to scare you into pissing away 50 years of a stable and loving marriage.

>You practice what you preach, right?
Yeah, why wouldn't I? It's not difficult, especially as a guy where you have to go out of your way to be a degenerate.

Whatever dude, you think I'm pathetic, I think you're pathetic. Get the fuck over it and get off the damn soapbox, christ. Are you going to start telling us about how you're a vegan next?

Are you really that addicted? I’m just more traditional and want a wife and family in the future. I figure it’s best to wait. Besides that, it’s really not hard to not have sex. Fill your time with other passions

It baffles me how you seem to not be able to abstain from sex yet you absolute despise the idea of having kids. It’s dumb as fuck.

There can be no compromise between us, since this isn't even an issue of different values. Your "value", as it were, is that you have no values in this regard. I do, as does the other user. Promoting amorality is what enables almost comical situations like the one described in OP--and that could happen if you're actively shitting on those who hold values, or if those who do have them stay silent. In both of those cases, moral guidance is absent.

In essence, what you call "soapboxing" in posters like me is identical to silence for posters like you.

Sex feels good fuckwad, you don't need to abstain to not have kids

Nope. I just thought I could be intimate with someone I trusted and cared for.

I dont have any issue with your philosophy, and I admire those that actually follow through with it. Thing is, though, is that I have NEVER actually met someone who willingly lived that life. So either you're from an older generation, in which case...things are different now and that isn't really a standard viewpoint anymore, or you're full of shit and posturing on the internet for....reasons....or you actually are walking the walk. In which case, good for you- but you're in the minority, and expecting everyone else to be like you is utterly naive.

what said

you're a dumbass OP

>Sex feels good fuckwad, you don't need to abstain to not have kids
Apparently OP missed the memo.

Being a man is about taking responsibility dibity, especially when things don't go as planned. Even if the whole world is against you, when everyone lied to you, don't corrupt yourself and try to manipulate the world how you want it to be. Yes, your gf "lied", but you (and I) will never know how it's like to have a living being, your child, living inside you, and her going back on her word to keep and give birth to your child is way more noble than keeping her word. It may be very unfair in your mind, but nothing in the world goes how you want it to be, and feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help.

>So either you're from an older generation, in which case...things are different now and that isn't really a standard viewpoint anymor
Pretty sure society has hit rock bottom when personal responsibility is considered an atypical viewpoint.

>I have NEVER actually met someone who willingly lived that life.
I'm agnostic and my parents (who I get along fine with, so this isn't childish rebellion) didn't practice what I believe, nor were they religious. I am waiting until marriage because it's objectively the best thing to do for said marriage.

I don't expect everyone else to act like me--but at the same time it's a simple fact that their life choices will yield inferior results if they care about stable partnerships.

>if only you knew how bad things really were.jpg

>I didn't get to have a life
You just got one. My most sincere congratulations OP
Many men in your generation would kill to be where you are

Again, good for you man. Why do you need to berate others about it? It's like the Jehova's witnesses of sexuality. Have your beliefs, live your life. Stay the fuck out of my face about it though man.

Your gf will be distraught over you having cold feet, you have to understand how different it is to be in her situation. If you love her and want to mend the situation, you should tell her once you’ve committed to changing your perspective on this, and find a way to reassure her that your initial shock wasn’t a faltering it was just your way of processing all of this.
This whole ordeal is fairly common and it’s not the end of the world.

Bro you fucked up. I thought I had it fucked up but at least once I break up I won’t have to pay for a fucking kid.

Poi poo

>Why do you need to berate others about it?
Because their behavior is reprehensible in a societal context--a society where hedonism is elevated to the level or even above responsibility and family is going to be worse off than a society which still has a sense of morality.
I can't stop others from behaving in certain ways--and to a degree, I don't want to. But letting others think their behavior is completely harmless or even desirable is harmful to everyone. You're still arguing for passivity and amorality. Those are exactly the things which will lead to more cases like OP's.

I'm under no illusion that there will always be degenerates--otherwise morality would be superfluous, if everyone was 'moral' by instinct alone. I'm not interested in converting those who are determined to be degenerate, nor am I worried about those who are determined to be moral by inner strength. My concern is with the bulk of people who are neither of those things, and who do what is easiest and most convenient at the time. In a society without morals, that means they suffer the brunt of degeneracy.

Women are evil and use sex to manipulate men and kids to entrap them. Lol at all the cucks telling OP it’s his fault like they wouldn’t have sex in his position.

and everyone stap berating OP, he’s young and got hit with a truckload of manageable though hefty responsibility. It can be scary OP but I believe in you

>gf
>sex
That's a negative, chief.
Telling OP he fucked up has nothing to do with being a cuck.

Also, if you hate women, and even think that sex is a tool of manipulation, why would you be dumb enough to have sex with women anyway? If there's anything OP could do to be more retarded, it's to think like an incel on top of his self-inflicted predicament.

Lol breh do you really think anyone would give a flying fuck about women if they weren’t hot? Everyone is just a slave to their dick. Me included but don’t deny it.

Just gonna have to bite the bullet OP. At least you have a house and don't have to rent out a place to live.

Just gunna comment that the IUD has a 99.7% success rate. I'm not sure I would entirely call this situation 100% self inflicted.

It's like not wearing a seatbelt because your car has airbags too so if you get in an accident you should be fine. And then when you get in an accident they malfunction and don't deploy. And then your ass goes flying out the windscreen

it's just fucking retarded not cover your OWN ass when it comes to contraception if you dont want kids. and if it was such a big part of his IDENTITY why not get a vasectomy anyway?

What a retarded analogy.

well, at least it's not as retarded as being stuck with a kid you never wanted for the rest of your life lol

>not getting a vasectomy

user...

Having sex at all means accepting the responsibility that comes with risk of pregnancy. The only 100% foolproof methods are abstinence or having sex post-menopause. Maybe surgery, though I've heard variously that they can sometimes be botched.

Most people know birth control isn't an absolute guarantee, they just think "it could never happen to me."

Oh fuck lmao and I was sad about being 26 kv and hating women
>laughs in millionaire

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Why the fuck would you not get a vasectomy then? I did, and I promise they don't hurt.

>Forced into fatherhood
LMAO
You chose to have sex without a condom. You knew the risks. Guess you gotta man up and be a good father now and make sure your kid doesn't make the same blunder you did.

Take responsibility you fucking dipshit, it's your kid too

Kek

Nigga should have gotten a vasectomy

>it's part of my identity

You have a penis. You did not use birth control. Your identity is in your penis which means you cannot be totally anti-kid, otherwise you would have used birth control. You are 100% responsible for this pregnancy and you're very lucky she wants to cut you out of the picture.

>terminate.
lmao at this word. just say
>kill the baby

this
especially if OP came inside
did you, OP?

Just leave user. With that attitude you'll never be a great father anyway. Pay your child support and go live your life.

>Forced into fatherhood
Sorry to hear someone made you fuck your gf at gunpoint user.

>I MILITANTLY did not want kids
Then why aren't you both fixed?

This. Retard op should have just cut his vas deferens or whatever

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Put a ring on it and make up for your mistakes, not to be a jackass but you shouldve married her first before having sex then youd save money on contraceptives and not have to worry about making an accident

do you not know what an iud is??? it's MUCH more effective than a condom, as long as it's not dislodged, and it's rarely ever dislodged.

Doesn't seem that effective to me seeing as you're the one with a kid, and I'm the one without.

Trusting SOMEONE ELSE for YOUR contraception is the crux here.

Congrats user, you are going to be a father! You may hate the idea of fatherhood right now, but theres nothing you can do about it, you already had sex and the baby is already in the making. What you can do though is prepare yourself for what is to come and try to be the best father possible. I also honestly hope you change your perception of kids, after all you are provably going to have to deal with one for the next decade or so

>What the fuck, how do I cope with this?
Accept what's happened and make plans for the future. If she keeps you in the picture, forcibly or you simply elect to stay, your baby is going to have a hard road ahead of him/her. S/he'll need support.

>Why is this legal?
Because you were two consenting adults who are well aware that sex, even with protection, runs the risk of pregnancy. Even vasectomies and tubals can still have a minimally small chance of pregnancies.

>Why can you do this to people?
You willing had sex with her, knowing that pregnancy was a risk. There is no 100% birth control, it sucks but there's always a risk. I do feel for you, it blows that she agreed if this ever happened that she'd terminate but at the same time it's very easy to feel that way before it actually happens to you.

>What the fuck do I do? How do I function?
Setting aside what you should or shouldn't have done to prevent the pregnancy, which is what this thread has evolved into, there are a few different things you can do.

Let's start with this, unless your state is different you won't be on the birth certificate unless you willing sign it. If you elect to sign it, they'll offer you a paternity test if the baby is born out of wedlock which you can opt out of. If you elect to be there, I'd still highly recommend a paternity test to be safe. Otherwise, if you elect not to sign the certificate, the state will only come after you if she decides she wants child support. That becomes a whole other can of worms.

So, the only way out of it would be to fall off the grid and hope they don't come looking for you. Keep in mind, garnishment can happen out of state. Big picture, if I were in your shoes, I'd get a paternity test done, and if it's my baby accept what's happened. Come up with a coparenting plan with your ex (?) and learn to be civil with one another for the baby's sake. Get your family involved, the baby is going to need a support system if s/he has medical problems.

>I MILITANTLY did not want kids, and we had agreed that if this ever happened, that we would terminate.
Yet you chose to continue having sex with her.

Problem's on you here because you should know that you can't trust women in these situations and if you want to ensure that this isn't a problem then you need to take the necessary precautions.

This might sound harsh, extreme or silly to you but we still live in an age where men have less rights than women when it comes to pregnancy and termination.

Jesus Christ OP, this is why I'm NEVER fucking having sex. This is positively horrifying.

Hopefully your gf comes around I don't know. As the man you have no choice here and that sucks.

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Convince some other cuck to sign the birth certificate

First time I had sex I kept telling her no, I don’t have a condom and I don’t want a baby or STDs. She said she’s on birth control and started doing foreplay. Eventually couldn’t resist her, didn’t cum but afterwards I cried because I was never so scared in my life. Thought my life of freedom was over. I got lucky, no kids or STDs.

>having sex out of wedlock
>having sex without being okay with having a kid
You’re a moron

Moral of OP's story - Double up on protection. Don't leave the fate of your life in someone else's hands. Use birth control AND condoms.

I absolutely practice abstinence. I had to break up with my most recent girlfriend because she would not understand that I will not sleep with her under the eyes of the lord until wedlock, so I told it wasn’t going to work and I hope she has better luck in the future.

I'm mildly amused.
Opie, you weren't raped. You had consensual sex, and you had a baby (which is something that happens when you have sex).
It happens.

OP you sound like a shit person, a shit boyfriend, and will be a shit dad. just go "live your life" like the selfish entitled dumbshit you are, the kid deserves a better dad anyway.

Well its time to man up bro cant run from child support. learn from mistakes bro put on a condom all the time.

>but if it isn't downs, she still won't term
does that mean she will abort if it is downs?

>It's part of my identity.
that's a stupid thing to make part of your identity.

> I did things right.
No, you didn't. You had sex. "sex" is short for "sexual reproduction". IUDs or condoms or birth control aren't 100% prevention, they're only 95%-99.9%. You had to accept the possibility was there, or you're and idiot.

>I didn't get to have a life, I was just starting.
Same thing your child will say if it was aborted.
Either way, children don't prevent you from living your life.

>What the fuck do I do? How do I function?
Well, you're having a panic attack right now. Once you stop that you'll be fine.

>I don't know man and it's terrifying.
Said every new father ever.

You know there's an easy third option, right? Giving it up for adoption.

> I just thought I could be intimate with someone I trusted and cared for.
This is fair, but you have to recognize that the possibility was there. 99% protection != 100% protection.

no u

IUDs are way safer, condoms break all the fucking time

I'm really sorry to hear that, shit's fucked. All I can say is try to distance yourself from the situation and live your life. If you have to pay child support, it's just another bill. Life is hard but it is also long and you'd be surprised what you can get through.

>IUDs are way safer
except when they're not
if OP had worn a condom and not just trusted everything would be okay in someone else's hands he most probably wouldn't be in this situation

i would argue the 1% failure of an IUD and condom both malfunctioning at the SAME TIME is virtually impossible

IUDs fail less than 1% a year, condoms can fail as much as 15% a year (the advertised 1% failure rate is if you're a condom pro and follow this ridiculously complicated process every single time you have sex). More importantly, it's a dick move to blame someone for some rare and horrible thing that happened to them because *technically* there was something they could have done that would have prevented it, that's like telling someone who got hit by a car that it's their fault for crossing the street, so long as they followed a reasonable level of safety protocol (IUDs are about as safe as you can get without cutting your balls off) then it should just be seen as bad luck hitting him.

I honestly think you guys just want every guy who comes here to feel bad, he just wanted to vent and get advice for an awful situation he was in. He got dealt a shitty hand, by a woman, and wants to make it better (and part of the process of making things better is venting fucked up thoughts) but instead you want to get all semantic about how technically he could have stopped it so therefore no one should feel bad for him.

its not a 'dick move' to tell someone that contraception is their responsibility too

i think it's absolutely fucking reckless to just trust it to the other person and not worry about it at all. i would never do that because shit happens. to me it's as common sense as looking both ways before you cross the street.