>chilling with friend (ex) outside last night >He thinks bf is jealous we're friends >Bf knew we were friends going into the relationship (bf and I have been friends for years) >Bf had made no complaints, doesn't complain when I tell him that I'm hanging out with ex >Not good at noticing jealousy so only "evidence" comes from ex >full disclosure: I'd drop the close friendship, pull right the fuck back, in a heartbeat if I found my bf had a genuine issue So how do I approach this? In conversations like these I usually lead with my observations ("evidence") and have the conversation from there, but I clearly can't do that here. I don't want him to feel like I'd be mad or upset with him if he had an issue, although it's probably need to bring up communication. It needs to be sorted asap because if it's bs it won't stress me any more and if it's true it won't stress him any more.
Inb4 don't be friends with an ex. He's a decent dude, we just didn't work romantically, and he still owes me shitloads of money
Ask him, while clarifying that you'd drop the friend for him before he can respond, if I were in his position I'd be really happy that you considered my feelings on the matter, even if I was not jealous
Thank you. Its the actual act of asking him in struggling with - I don't know how to bring up the topic without being accusatory of him having an issue. Like, "ex thinks you have a problem" is pants on head retarded, but my normal go to of "I've noticed things that make me think / feel [X]" I can't use because if he asks what has made me feel that way, they're all things third parties have noticed.
I don't care what the "modern" standards are with having close guy-friends as a girl with a bf - humans are territorial, especially in dating.
You're literally always going to have this problem unless you learn it AND accept it
So I'm not asking about close friends, and my bf has already started at length he has no issues with me being close friends with dudes because he trusts me and (partially jokingly said) knows he's a better option than any of them. This particular friend being an ex is a different dynamic that I haven't had my partner's clear verbal opinion of, which is why I'm asking for the best way to approach it with him. I'm afraid I'll defer to what I know to be his actual opinion above what someone on Jow Forums believes for himself and projects onto my bf.
What the fuck is wrong with you OP. Its none of your ex's business if your bf is jealous or not so why do you even have that discussion with him?
Seriously, your ex is trying to cause a problem and what do you do? You want to run to your bf or dig around for evidence so you can present to your ex he is wrong? Everything is backwards, can't you see?
>why do you even have that discussion with him? He brought it up, he wanted to see if there were issues so he could lay low and when I said not as far as I was aware, he let me know. If he were doing it to try to separate my bf and I, I'd assume he'd know it would have the opposite affect with me. > You want to run to your bf or dig around for evidence so you can present to your ex he is wrong? I want to ask my bf, yes. If there's even the slightest chance I've missed this, it needs sorting asap. I'm not collecting evidence to back to my ex, that's retarded, I am complaining because none of the evidence that I would approach my bf with is appropriate. Regardless of how the conversation goes, I wouldn't be reporting anything back to my ex, beyond a "yes" or "no" to the question of whether or not my bf has an issue with my ex. I'm not trying to run interference, I'm trying to make sure I'm doing right by my bf above all even if I'm unsure.
So lets say you out your bf are you going to run back to your ex and tell him he was right all along and then tell him everything your bf said about it? This is seriously stupid thinking on your part. I don't understand. I had a good friend I knew years before (never had a relationship with her unlike you) and my gf said nothing but my friend would call late night to talk and shit like she did when I was single. My gf still said nothing but I knew it was disrespectful so I confronted MY FRIEND not my gf. Come to find out MY FRIEND had a problem. I knew which relationship meant the most to me.
>back to your ex and tell him he was right all along and then tell him everything your bf said about it? No, stop assuming the worst. I've already answered that here, , which you may have missed. I have never seen an issue with our friendship, but we only met up every fortnight or so for a couple hours, certainly nothing as intimate add calling one another late at night which I would clearly see as disrespectful.
First thing you have done is defend your friends actions. He is passively suggesting he would lay low and might force you to begin to secretly maintain the "friendship" if your bf shows any jealously whatsoever. If you bf admits he is perturbed and you tell your friend your friend won round one with your help.
Maybe you should be looking deep inside to determine which relationship means more to you and the real motivation of your friends inquiry. Right now you trust him more than your bf.
All I am saying is to open your eyes to the possibility it is your friend that is jealous and your bf is trying to respect your wish to continue this close friendship. Yes, you bf may be a little jealous of you being close with an ex especially if he were to know you discuss your relationship with your ex.
I get not wanting to lose a friend and it is not comfortable at all trying to manage between both without upsetting one or both but you've got to choose. Instead you want your bf to choose for you and that may make you resentful ultimately.
In my case I said anything beyond a certain line is too far and if you are truly my friend you'll have no problem. She crossed the line shortly afterwards so I withdrew the sham friendship.
You may never get your money back or in your effort to do so lose your bf.
>defend your friends No, I answered your questions honestly. He asked me a question so he could lay low if my bf doesn't like him. I'm not agreeing with his actions, although I think they're more mature than you're crediting him. He's not planning on "forcing" me to be friends and if he were he'd be retarded because I told him at the beginning if my bf had a problem, I'd pull back. If my bf is perturbed, my ex loses me as a friend. If either of you consider that a "win for round one", you're welcome to, although I couldn't understand how. If I cared more about my ex, I wouldn't be with my bf and I certainly wouldn't be stressing on how to bring up a conversation with him that could be perceived as nagging or accusatory. If you think that wanting to confirm my bf is okay with something that I've never gotten direct verbal confirmation for, because my ex has brought it up, as inherently trusting my ex more than my bf then I honestly don't know what to tell you. I don't know why trying to be certain for his sake, to the point where I want to start the conversation where he could very well choose that I shouldn't socialise with a friend, is considered choosing that friend over him.
Ex and I do not talk about current relationship, that's improper. W talk about current bf as he is a mutual friend. Ex can be jealous, that would be dumb and he'd only be fucking himself over with these actions as he should know having dealt with me in a relationship before >d you want your bf to choose for you and that may make you resentful ultimately. No I don't. I would love to have this friendship go on and I feel 0 conflict in interacting with my bf and ex. I would have no issue continuing this dynamic forever because for me it's just socializing with another friend. However, if my bf did want that, I would do so. Being prepared to make your partner hair is not the same as needing them to make decisions for you. My ex has been told that I will never ever another relationship with him and if he chooses to beta orbit and I find out about it, I'll drop him like a stone. I understand people's trepidation but the constantly assuming the worst is making it quite difficult to take the advice seriously.
You are stressed because you are between two men and your bf was not the one that inserted jealously into the equation. Again, I suggest you contemplate where you are and not force your bf to decide for you.
You do trust your ex's word explicitly, you loaned him a lot of money.
I'm stressed because I'm autistic and, as I've said several times, I don't know how to start the conversation without coming across as nagging or accusatory. If I genuinely felt my ex was jealous, I wouldn't be socialising with him. I've contemplated a lot, it's why I've been able to rebuff your assumptions so uniformly. Again, no interest in making him choose, I need to talk to him to find his opinion on the first place. If he wants me to do something to make him happy I will follow it. Yes, whilst we were in a relationship. Things have changed just a touch since then.
Love how you dismiss a perspective contrary to yours as just thinking the worst. However, at least you are thinking about it and some of your responses are contradictory. I want to keep this friendship yet would drop him like a stone or I don't talk about my relationship and yet you are here because your friend did just that or.
From the outside it seems way too much effort on your part to maintain a hang out every two weeks with an ex.
You're going to coerce an admission out of your bf to answer a question poised by your ex and its going to blow up in your face. Good luck
You are not autistic you just don't want to make a hard choice. I get it, if you cut off your ex you'll never see your money but he knows that and that buys him perpetual access. Not to rub it in but you were never going to see that money again.
Your ex is not the guy you though he was nor the friend you believed. Why hold on so tight.
>some of your responses are contradictory Please feel free to point out any actual contradictions in what I've said, and not between what has been automatically assumed. I want to keep this friendship but I would drop him like a stone for my bf. This is not a contradiction, I can have these two emotions with no conflict because I'm an adult who understands scenarios are nuanced and what I want and what I need been be separate things. I make no effort to hang with my ex aside from the occasional text, where have you gotten this is from? Or is me trying to find the best way to talk to my bf being including in this effort? I've no interest in coercing anything out of my bf, this thread is about the best way to start this conversation with him for his sake. I'm sorry that I'm willing to communicate with my partner about a potential issue in a way that works for him regardless of where I found out that there may be an issue from. Thank you, I'll certainly need it trying to take your "advice".
It sounds like your ex is trying to create turbulence in your relationship by sowing seeds of doubt in your mind.
I'd probably avoid your relationship as a topic, and just stop them the next time they try to pull this.
Personally not into the whole "ex" as a friend thing. I've seen it backfire way too many times, and I personally have troubles romantically detaching myself from people, so in a way, it's more difficult for me to comprehend reinstating such boundaries after they've already been crossed and explored.
The last thing I need to worry about in a relationship is getting into a disagreement with my SO, only to have them run off to their ex to vent and ask for advice. That's just a bad situation.
I mean, I was diagnosed with autism, du that's interesting. Until I know my bf has an issue there is no hard decision, and then when I know that he does, it also won't be a hard decision. My ex is already aware grim the beginning of the relationship that if my bf has a problem, he's gone. This has already been started in thread. The money is irrelevant really, he's going to pay it back regardless anyway. He's still the guy I thought he was platonically, just romantically he's a completely separate person. We've been friends for years and a genuine bro, although again I don't think chatting to a friend once a fortnight or taking their thoughts and working from them is "holding on tight".
Hi bf do you have any issue with me hanging with my ex? Yes or No
If bf says where the fuck does this come from you (he will) just say I was wondering and play dumb but make him answer. Yes or No
Do not mention the word jealously Do not mention your ex beyond your initial question. Do not ask any questions that are open ended, make them all Yes or No.
If he says yes don't let him explain. If he say no don't let him explain.
Never mention it again.
Eh, if he is, he'd be brain damaged because sometime legitimately tried that whilst we were together and it only made us closer as a team. We don't talk about my relationship as a topic but we do occasionally talk about my bf, he's a mutual friend and plays /tg/ in a group of lads with my ex. I'm the opposite, once I've romantically detached from someone I can't see them the same way again. It's worked well for me so far so I'm willing to just keep going until it does backfire for the first time. I've yet to disagree with my bf but if I did, I wouldn't talk to my ex about it. That's retarded.
If you hadn't told me you have a bf I would think your ex your was your number one. My god he sounds like a fucking saint. So why doesn't your bf hang with this awesome guy? Hell I'd like to hang with such a bro.
user her ex is perfect she has repeatedly told us so
I like this, my only problem is playing dumb, I'm not very good at lying or anything like that so I feel like it would fall apart at that point. The point about code questions is a good one.
Well nobody's asked me to describe my bf yet kek but yeah he's a cool guy. My bf does very occasionally hang out with him, they play /tg/ together, but my ex is a bit of an edge lord for my bf to deal with for large periods of time. I understand you're trying to be a dick but honestly I think a lot of chambers would think my ex is a bro.
Kek you really are trying your best to assume the study, aren't you? Genuine bro =\= perfect. If he were perfect, be wouldn't be my ex. Please be offended over what you're assuming elsewhere bro, it's tiring.
Study = worst, phone posting is fun
It would be, assuming that his thought process in the moment is rational. Either way, it's sort of poking the bear, isn't it.
Well, it seems you at least have your wits about you, I don't doubt that you'll get it sorted out. Communication is usually a good thing, but sometimes we aren't able to always speak as freely as we'd like, as another user had briefly touched on. Though, I'll trust that you know your boyfriend better than I.
This is true, he appears rational but that would be an easy thing to fake I guess. Yeah the whole "afraid to speak freely" thing is the only thing that's worrying me here, I don't want him to feel like he has to put up with it if he doesn't want it, so I'm trying to phrase what I want to say to reflect that. I also don't want him to feel like he's being forced to make a choice for me, as some anons have voiced concern over. These are the reasons I'm asking for advice, pretty much.
What you haven't told us is how many of your friends are ex's and do they all know each other and hang out together?
I wouldn't trust that my experience would necessarily be useful to you, but I've found that sometimes it's easier to get information out of people when they feel they aren't being tested. Sometimes it's enough just to have a directed conversation, and gauge the response. If you display dissatisfaction with certain aspects of your exes behavior in conversation, it could very well open up the conversation to your boyfriend putting in his honest two cents about the situation, or directing the conversation in a manner that reflects how he feels internally without having to get him to explicitly state it.
It really depends on what kind of person you're dealing with, though.
Not the guy that has been arguing with you but...
OP, your boyfriend probably wont be honest with you. He wants to be the cool guy. I'd ask your ex what specific behaviors he sees.
I can only speak of my own experience. Right now I am friends with an amazing girl. We are almost exes. We were going to date but i had to study for a test and some other guy asked. Nothing aligned after that. Never single at the same time again. It's been 13 years now. We do a lot for each other. Cook, clean, hobbies. Help each other when we are in trouble, etc.
Her husband is both intimidated and jealous of me, and lying about it. He tells her and her mother he is cool with it. He is not.
Why do I say this?
When we eat together he pulls his shoulders in and leans over to appear smaller than me. When she and her mother are out of ear shot he tries to intimidate me. He's told me that he walks around with his shirt off. About his investments. About how he is taller than me.
I just kind of shrug it off. She's had 13 years to date me. And I've always been better than her bfs. Like I make 60k more than this dude. And me and his girl really care about each other. It is what it is.
Anyway, he lies to her. Your bf will probably lie to you even if you ask. He's not going to want to admit how insecure he is.
Your own words spell it out for us. You defend him in glowing terms that make him sound perfect.
You mention you don't know how to play dumb and yet you are quiet good.
You know exactly how all this looks.
So she needs to manipulate her bf to answer a riddle put to her by her ex? Christ
>He's not going to want to admit how insecure he is OP's wants her bf to admit it to prove her ex right. Thats the whole shit show.
>Manipulate Such a trigger word these days. It's the same manipulation her boyfriend would be doing by telling her that he has no problem with it.
This isn't some nefarious scheme, it's just deriving truth in the most effective way possible. If she can't trust him to be honest straight up, then it's really the only other option she's got aside from feigning ignorance of the whole issue.
If you've a better proposition on the matter, I'd love to hear it.
Nah. She wants him to keep saying it doesnt bother him so she can continue to pull love energy from two dudes guilt free. That's what all women want. They like orbiters. Or fans. Or whatever you want to call them. Men love deeper than other women. If women could have their way, they'd be surrounded by men that love them.
She needs to ask the exe what behaviors he sees. If he just feels he is jealous, he's full of shit. If the bf is really jealous, he'll do something. There will be a signal. Like shrinking his size around him.
It's just a bad move overall to be friends with exes, regardless of jealousy or not.
OP is the one that isn't being honest. She knows what her bf thinks of her ex who really doesn't like being around him and yet she slips off for some quality together time with the guy.
What she wants it to play this out as long as she can and not have to decide between the two. So she plays dumb with her bf and plays dumb with her ex. I do give her ex a bit of credit for dropping the jealously bomb to get things moving and it has
Two, although one was a short thing that doesn't count by most adult standards, and yes, we all socialise in a large group of around 14.
I've spoken about my ex's problematic behaviour in the past but my bf is definitely more the supportive "I'll help you" than concrit "he did this wrong but you did this wrong". I'll try again in the future I guess, thank you.
So how do I get him to be honest then? Ngl I'm definitely not as close to my ex as you are to your chick.
You want to see something so you see it. I'm not interested in trying to convince you of what's true as you pull out a new assumption at every response. Are you my ex, actually?
I've already asked, but these behaviours are things done to my ex when I'm not around, so I'm not interested in coming at him from that angle. The rest of your comment was useless conjecture.
Ex has no problem being around bf. Bf has stated repeatedly he has no issue with my ex (as a dude). >slips off By telling my bf my plans to meet my ex in the morning? I already "decided" between the two when I broke up with my ex, by proxy of not ever going back to him. Your assumptions are unfounded and you seem unable to ask the questions before making the assumptions.
>but these behaviours are things done to my ex when I'm not around
Give us examples. We'll tell you if he us full of shit or not.
>we all socialise Oh, I should have known. You're on guy number three in the group of buddies and know plenty of girls just like you that ultimately makes her way through all of us. I think your bf is a fool if he takes this relationship serious but he likely doesn't and why he doesn't give a shit who you hang with. If it wasn't one of the ex's it will be the next in the group of friends you'll be fucking.
I don't doubt you are a fun girl to hang with nor a bad person but you are just a fun girl who will fuck us all eventually.
You are a party girl that will fuck every guy in the group eventually. Stop trying to make your existing relationship into more than what it is nor call your other friend an ex. You don't have ex's nor bf's but one of a group that you are fucking at the moment.
Seriously every group of guys have a few of you girls. You hang around some for a few months others for years but everybody gets that ass.
Now I'm not taking you serious. You wasted everyone's time with this shit. Calling fuck buddies boyfriends, please.
Bf staring ex down, conversation is like pulling teeth, apparently bf physically body blocking ex without looking at him when ex went to talk to me at an event.
Except for the fact that ex 1 (several years ago) and ex 2 were both only brought into the social group by dating me.
So this is all conjecture, what a sad time. We don't do parties, they all met through me and I've only slept with my ex and my current bf. You're so triggered you're not capable of being rational, perhaps you should take a break from the internet for a while.
>they all met through me So. You are what you are so don't apologize, own it. Like I said I'm still friends with several of my/our fuck buddy girls but they weren't gf's. There was one guy that thought something may come of it but was disappointed though we all warned him. In a way you got a good thing going, you bounce from guy to guy and add your ex's to the group and everybody is happy so go ahead and do you.
However, you don't have any reason to worry about a damn thing. Your "bf" knows what all this is or as I said he is a fool.
So how could I possibly be a woman fucking her way round a group? I wasn't aware that fwb situations usually went to engagement, my mistake. You've no concept of the situation and you trying to convince me of myself whilst blatantly refusing to make any real understanding beyond your assumptions is tedious.
>Bf staring ex down, conversation is like pulling teeth, apparently bf physically body blocking ex without looking at him when ex went to talk to me at an event.
Humm, that could go either way. If that all really happened maybe your bf is jealous. Or maybe your ex is assuming intent.
It's hard to say without something more direct like bragging when you aren't around.
Unrelated but stuff I see that let's me know the bf or husband is jealous is like their mother checking my Facebook. Their friends checking my Facebook. His friends refusing to friend me.
If someone says they are cool with you, but none of them accept your friend request? Someone's talking shit.
Your bf is trying to be confident and not over bearing. You should not have done that. Do not hang out with an ex EVER. He doesnt need to show any type of discontent, you should know. I would not respect you as a partner if we were dating.
I believe it honestly could be a combination of my ex assuming intent and my bf's personality when you're not close friends with him, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'd rather his happiness over my complacency. My bf isn't really the bragging type. His family definitely love me tho, although I don't have Facebook for that. I've met his friends that we don't share too, so it looks good on that front at least.
Have you considered just telling him you don't know what to say exactly and just showing him this thread. Might be kinda cute actually