Portal Thread

Behind you a portal opens up and you've been hypno-suckered into going into it. You will jump through the portal in exactly 30 minutes.

As a part of the hypno-suckering you know that on the other side of the portal is a fantasy world very much like a standard D&D world and that return is not an option (in the short term at least, high level magic MIGHT be able to get you back). You also know that you'll be dropped into a temperate forest area that is home to Orcs, goblinkin, and other hostiles.

What do you bring, what do you wear, what to you try to do to survive?

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Do I get to fug the orcs and gobbos?

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Is that an orc trap or does she have a penis like clitorus from steroids and lifting?

>What do you bring, what do you wear, what to you try to do to survive?

Bicycle generator set, 1000 litres of onions and protein. Wizard hat and pic related.

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She's a manga/anime rules dickgirl if you're gonna be insecure about your obvious faggotry.

not ALL girls have penises you know

yes, if you can

Kiss me faggot, you won't.

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>What do you bring,

Literature regarding everything from political theory to economics. Also my AR and enough ammo to last me a while.

>what to you try to do to survive?

Sell ideas on how to increase productivity to artisans, merchants, and the nobility.

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First order of business is to grab all the milsurp and I can carry and use it to create a mercenary band of orc waifus.
Then I fug said waifus.

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I bring my throbbing cock.
I wear only a hat and boots.
I become the harem king of the jungle.

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Is that a fetish I was unaware of? I knew about human sized dragons, and dragons on cars. But massive giant humiliation? That's a little weird

My BoB plus whatever is needed to outfit and arm a gobbo battle waifu.

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It started as a joke but the artist decided to run with it.
e621.net/pool/show/3060

>YWN be raped at the siege of Berlin by power bottom muscular ork soviets.
>How they have enough calory intakes for those mad gainz despite being a communist shithole has made NATO jelly ever since

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>What do you bring, what do you wear, what to you try to do to survive?
I throw anything that might have resale value on the other side through the portal beforehand(something as simple as assload of modern stainless steel cutlery should fetch a great price from local aristocrats sold pieacemeal), steal my neighbors horses at gunpoint if necessary, send them through just before going myself
Weapon of choice is a mosin nagant modified by the finnish army over 70 years ago and I will be wearing US woodland camo BDU

I suspect just knowing how to make gunpowder would be something you could sell as a service

First goal after arriving will be to leave the forest and locate the nearest local human kingdoms, long term accrue local mediums of exchange and track down a wizard

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>not taking rolls of aluminum foil

>all these battle hungry dweebs
Yes, a mauser and a backpack full of ammo is coming with me but more importantly, all the printouts I can manage of the wikipedia pages and the like of smithing, iron works, Bessemer process, steam engines and the like.

Then, off to the nearest city and become a captain of the industrial revolution with the cutest blacksmith in town.

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>not taking rolls of aluminum foil
only have one in pantry at the moment

what happens if I get arrested during the 30 minutes trying to get some?

>Cast Banishment
>4th level spell
>Can get any mid-level abjuration wizard to do it for you

But really, why ever go back?

>why ever go back?
Because you want to walk down a street without stepping in someones shit, have you ever read anything about medieval cities?

A variety of weapons and ammo - along with war machine schematics, and how to make gunpowder - to show a clan the gospel of Dakka and join their ranks. Their desire for moar dakka and the idea they can never have enuff will fuel the industrial military complex. And as the bringer of this might, I will ascend the ranks of the first Dakka Clan and claim an Orc waifu for myself.

Can't argue with that.

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I'd bring a completely useless water goddess and hope for the best

I don't get that reference.

I'd wear the most tactical kit I own. Which would be a Normandy era Paratrooper kit (although I would use modern boots). Fill a pack with shelf-stable food/water purification and survival gear.

Besides the fucking Tarasque couldn't take 8 rounds of 30-06.

Oh boy I like this.

Cringe.

(Un)fortunately, that is an edit of Hushabyes Oni's so there's no more pics of her with tusks and green skin.

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now that you point it out, it is blatantly obvious.

I'd hit that so hard who ever could pull me out would be crowned the next king of england.

all my guns and ammo haphazzardly jammed in a ruck, my italian telo memetico, low boots with putees and then get me some sweet minotaur sex

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I'll say it. If i could wear them without looking like a retard i would wear puttees over high boots.

>puttees over high boots.
it just cant be done without looking like utter crap

If those orc chicks don't have cocks I swear to god I'm just taking a flamethrower, a 44 magnum, and some good boots. I'll eat my way out of that forest one burned goblin village at a time.

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>chicks
>cocks

Go and stay go.

Start transferring gunsmithing files from computer to tablet. Get backpack. fill with canned food, ammo, water purification tablets, first aid kit, solar charger
Grab AR 15 and wish I had a battle rifle
Khaki pants, comfortable t-shirt, and leather jacket cause thats the closest I have to armor
Try to find someone who can teach me necromancy
once accomplished start creating an undead industrialized army

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Post more orc honnies please

user, i don't know how to break this to you, but...girls don't have penises. at all.

>Succ so good became known as a god of fertility
>The belief accumulate so much in the astral field you really turn into one
>A thicc futa sucubus is leading the Great Orcish Crusade
>30 years later a rift opens in the middlle of America spewing forth millions of muscular futa orcs naked and oiled with cosmoline armed with nuggets
>They will only accept peace if California is nuked (twice), the right to open carry extented to the whole world and all cute traps are handled to them along with the Murder/k/ube

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*Get face close to mic* Wrong.

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no need to nuke california, just cut off their water

that's a dude, my dude. you can like dudes, i don't give a fuck, but don't call a cow a horse.

Man nipples=ok to show on blue board
female nipples= not ok on blue board.

If a trap shows nipples, is that considered against the rules?

I would grab my FN-FAL, a hiking bag, all 800 rounds of .308, a ruler (metric and imperial), MREs, hand ax and a buck knife. I would go through with 2 gallons of water (I have strong legs). Also, paint my self-green. Purge the dumb orc and dumb goblins, the smart ones will join me on my crusade to create a great orcish kingdom. BTW not my fault if there are tons of blonde haired blue eyed orcs running around in a few years.

Unlike women traps are pure so of course it is sfw.

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M-14, as much ammo as I can carry, and the complete set of AD&D manuals. Use manuals to start a stronghold.

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I don't think the D&D rulesbook will be of help if you are litterally in the D&D world.

This is ThunderFire here, it seems I picked up some radio transmissions from Terra, I'm glad the portal opened again so I'll fill you in about this place.

From what I've learned this planet is nearly identical to Terra, with many species being a absolute match. Other species it seems are completely alien, some of which are sentient.

Simple rules to live by.
1.YOU'RE NOT INVINCIBLE.
Guns are fucking awesome and all, but remember you are still flesh and blood.
2.DON'T BE A MURDERHOBO
If you show up to settlements killing everything in sight, what's most likely to happen is you getting a arrow in the knee and that bitch going septic and you dying in the woods after trying to amputate said leg.
3.BE FUCKING NICE
NAP applies, pay for your shit, treat others ect.

Orcs.
Orcs will be impressed by guns sure, but your CHARACTER is the biggest thing, if you act like a speech or be passive aggressive you're going to get your head caved in. Simple rules to live by.

1.TELL THE TRUTH.
2.DONT BACK DOWN FROM A FIGHT EVEN IF YOU LOSE
3.DON'T FLIRT
Orc females are the action not words type, flirting is seen as weak and pathetic, do shit like bring food, shit to trade or teach shit, don't flirt. If she likes you you'll know.

Orc males are total bros, once you win their trust and respect you'll have a posse for life, and you're expected to do the same. Chads would get raped to death by them, very fucking literally.
I've found Orcesses to be the most dangerous, as they don't rush in and start stabbing everything, and they learn FAST.

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>Orc males

Don't you mean orcess TOPs ?

Yeah, humans are seen as twinks and Orcs are Greek in that aspect, so the Trap gf anons are going to have a real HARD time. Best case scenario? You're seen as the dangerous as fuck shaman nerd that keeps their kids alive and gives them cool shit.

>be human in orc village
>orcs are very warlike
>orcs like me because I was able to save the chefs daughter when she had a hard birth
>orcs call you fire and steel shamen because of your guns and your use of blades to save females during hard births.
> one-day other orc shamen challenges you to magic
>you try to explain you don't use magic
>he begins to summon some weird ass power
>so you put a 7.62 sized hole in his head
>win magic duel
>Feels good to be the FandS shamen

>Everyone thinks you are a shaman
>Pretend you need a giant "magic cup" filled with cum in front of you for good harvest and luck in hunt shenanigans
>Living the dream

I bet a dozen trained rifleman can take down whole warband of orcs, atleast in somewhat open terrain

sorry man that won't kill cali, they will just start migrating.

a dozen, fuck that like 3 guys with nugget powered crap can hold back 100 orcish besiegers

thats why you patrol the border and shoot on sight

gay

They have treasure tables to tell you what kind of monster gives what kind of loot. Give you a rough estimate of how tough each monster would be to kill and how they can kill you. Diffrent spells and their effects, along with magical items. Not to mention the Wilderness and Dungeoneering guides.

those are only loose guidelines and may be rewritten by the DM, you might be unpleasantly surprised

Those are women's dicks so no it's 100% heterosexual.

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Orc Biology.
What I've found out about Orcs fucking scares me.
Orcs are Neanderthals that have been "tweaked" into nearly perfect warriors.
They are strong as fuck, and can heal fast and have other abilities which I'll get to.

>skin chlorophyll
You ever wonder why Orcs are green? Well, they've got a species of symbiotic algae in their skin that provides sugur from photosynthesis, in return the Orc body provides a warm and safe environment, so starving a Orc is nearly impossible to do. Malnutrition is still an issue, but Orcs are nearly carnivorous, with some fruits and vegetables.
>fused ribs
Their ribs have next to no gaps, so a blade is out of the question, if in CQB don't stab them in the chest, unless you've got a SHITTON of force behind it.
>THREE adrenal glands
Yeah, holy shit. A male Orc in Berzerker mode is completely fucking insane, the only way to stop them is multiple rounds of a large pistol caliber or rifle shots to the head. 9mm WILL NOT COVER IT.

The faggots are getting to be worse than the Jow Forumstards.

Why is capcha turning into online hell all of a sudden?

I hope the DM's magical realm is full of genderswapping magic and futa orcs with their plump shortstacks gobos in chastity dick cages~

We said futa orcs. Not mushroom 40K orks. Even though being a crazy digga in the name of Gork and Mork would surely be fun as fuck.

No nigger not fungal, think how sloths have algae grow on them, but this is present in their skin at birth.

I'm tired of internet making me gay as fuck. If at least it made me litterally gay for men but NOOOOO it would be too good, instead I want REAL women but with huge throbbing dicks and sadly they don't exist. And no, traps don't count they are for fucking not loving and can only be bottom as required by proper etiquette.

Hushabye is a cutie swede which makes her artwork even better

>Orcs are Neanderthals

As with neanderthals we should fuck them into assimilation.

>10.000 years later magic Jow Forums is arguing that absence of orc DNA is why the southern troll-people are retarded

She must be a turbo lesbian. Her belgian scientist speaking walloon while cuddling a cute alien made my belgian waffle heart melt.

Op said standard. That's enough for me.

>fuck them into assimilation
Yep, more like she'll fuck you. Orcesses are VERY fertile and aggressive in mating. Orcesses only fuck to make babies, but when pregnant their sex drive goes into TURBO MODE. And orcs are polygyny so multiple pregnant wifes are very common. This is done in case a child dies and the mother can nurse the other children. Sisterwifes share their children, loving them as much as their own, this allows Orcs to do population ANTIMATTER EXPLOSION. Also female to male balance is nearly 3/1.

Yeah she's a dyke.

>What do you bring, what do you wear, what to you try to do to survive?
I have thought about this too much, and I have concluded that the smartest thing to do would be to bring literally everything I can possibly get through the portal.
The would mean collecting all my weapons and all the precious metal, food, tools, shoes, clothing, toiletries, medicine, and interesting trinkets that I have.
I would also bring a shovel and all the ziplock bags, trash bags, oil, and grease I can carry. If possible I will bring a wheelbarrow, but if not I would cram everything into my rucksacks.

I know that I would not be able to lug all this shit, so my first order of business would be to dig a hole somewhere so I could bury everything except my tradeable goods, my AR + Glawk, and a bag with some essentials.
After attaching my bayonet to my gun and wrapping some cloth around it (so it looks like some sort of retarded spear) I would try to make my way to a human settlement.
I have a sizable amount of silver, so I should have enough money to hire a few thugs with a cart to return for the rest of my shit.
I know for a fact that an English soldier in the 1300s was only earning a like 8 shillings a month, so I certainly have more than enough money to convince a few hard nosed bastards that I'm worth their time.

If I am unable to retrieve my shit it is not the end of the world. I would keep my primary and secondary on me. The rest would just be gravy.

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listen you cumguzzling faggot, wanting to suck dicks as a guy is gay as fuck, no matter how you try to justify it
Futas are gay
Traps are gay
Being attracted to people with dicks as a guy is gay

you can believe whatever you want

agreed.

But we can ALL agree that having sex with an Orc woman is the dream.

This

says the guy attracted to traps

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well someone got waken from their nap-time 30 minutes too early

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B-But I can't get pregnant no matter how hard they pump me full of their futa baby juice. (Or is there some magical shenanigans behind it ?)

... the orc women do not have penises. Think death by Snu Snu.

>chefs daughter
Not sure why the chef would be so important....

CA BA GE

>Futas are gay

Traps may be gay but NEVER will I admit futas to be gay too.

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>B-But I can't get pregnant no matter how hard they pump me full of their futa baby juice.
That won't keep them from trying tho
Hope you brought enough lube

Lost all interest. Purging of the green filth begins now.

do you not like free food?

>Hope you brought enough lube

The first orc/oni lady's cum will act as lube for the rest of the village.

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You havent played much D&D, have you friendo?

My dick.

a medieval city has medieval cities civil engineering problems

That term literally doesn't even apply to D&D worlds, they didn't have the same history as us. Their architecture, hygiene habits, and understanding of disease aren't under any obligation to be comparable to that time period.

I dress myself up as a wizard and bring all the reloading equipment and books I could find, along with my guns. I set up shop in the forest and begin my life as a reclusive alchemist that occasionally goes into town for supplies and to hang out at the local tavern. I spend my days figuring out magic and how I can apply that to reloading or firearms manufacturing. If the town is being attacked, I head over and cast cone of lead at all of the assailants. I live my peaceful cliche town wizard life until I get the call to adventure from someone who has heard of my powers, come back with a fuck ton of gold, magical items, and materials to use in my research. I'll take on an apprentice, and hopefully find a wife and start a family. From there I enjoy the rest of my days.

This guy gets it

Medieval cities didn't have magic and shit, did they?

>small solar charger
>phone with multiple gigs of Jow Forums, /out/, and Jow Forums infographics.
>wood axe
>short sword
>couple books
>various objects around the house with resale value.
>four flint locks
>kuntucky long rifle.
>maybe a deck of cards
>a powder horn
>.50 caliber shot mold

they had plenty of shit

not everyone has wizards in their back pocket even in d&d

>You are considered as a weird small not green orc without tusk shaman but also a super cute twink bishonen by orc standards
>As the cuddliest and sexiest bottom in orc history they start to think you are the avator of some fertility god from the myths
>Some teen orc is only 2m tall, barely bulky for orc standards and her penis is only 20cm
>She gets bullied a lot for it and is doomed to be forever virgin
>Since she is still a hulking sexy lady for your standards you still act with her as you do with everyone else and reassure her that she is still a proud and strong orc
>She akwardly ask one day if you'd do it with a disgusting weakling like her
>*Spaghetti (which you introduced in their culinary culture) starts falling off of her loin cloth*
>Of course you accept
>Unlike the sex experts of her species she is super nervous and clumsy in a cute way
>She cum after only 10 seconds
>She is about to commit ritual suicide out of shame
>You reassure her and cuddle a lot
>Tell her you'll do it with her until she gets the hang of it
>At the end of the night you are a climaxing mess in a pool of orcess sweat and cum
>She later becomes one of the finest warrior and breeder of the whole clan due to your sexual tutelage
>Rumors of a god avatar turning any wimp orc into a legendary warrior spread like wildfire into the orc clans
>Hundreds of virgin orcs want to lose their virginity to you
>The quest for user's booty kind of become a myth and pilgrimage on and off itself in orc culture

I should stop being so gay on the internet one day.

Then don't live with the peasants, peasant.