In this thread I will narrate the life of Fritz "Zorn" from his birth in 1944 until his death in 1976.
I intend to cover:
>his childhood and adolescence
>his relationship with others
>his experience at university
>his loneliness and despair
>his illness and decline
If this thread interests you please bump to keep it alive.
Preemptive bump. An actually good thread for once woooow.
Go for it man these threads are great, haven't seen one in a while
I Hope the thraed dosen't die
OP here. Sorry for the delay. I do have everything prepared.
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On Fritz's childhood
>"The world I'll begin with, then, is the one I knew as a small boy. This was a world so harmonious that it is difficult to conceive of such harmony. [...] My family is somewhat degenerate, and I assume that I am suffering not only from the influences of my environment but also from some genetic damage.
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On Fritz's parents' love of harmony
>"In my family, one of the favorite ways out of situations that called for the courage of one's convictions was to declare the issue "difficult" [...] Whatever could not be disposed of by designating it "difficult" or "beyond comparison" was usually postponed until "tomorrow". The weak are terribly fond of that day and take great comfort in the fact that "tomorrow" usually means "never".
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On young Fritz entering highschool
>"At the opening ceremony for new students, the rector of the Gymnasium told us, after he had explained the basic structure and curriculum of the school, that the best thing about our Gymnasium years would be that we would form true friendships there, many of which would last all our lives. I had no idea, as the rector was saying this, just how thoroughly prepared I was to prevent this prophecy from coming true."
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Had to briefly google him to get a gist of who he is. Not quite sure yet, but looking forward to your thread as with all of your others.
On Fritz's parents' good intentions
>"My case - or, more accurately, our case - is not a unique one that can be considered in isolation from everything around it. I can't know with any certainty to what extent my parents are to blame for wrongs done to me and to what extent they themselves were victims of still greater wrongs. [...] The history of the generations can be seen as an endless repetition of the same situation: The parents "mean well" with their children but do everything wrong in raising them."
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On the negative effect of protective parenting
>"They were not bad people, and all I can feel for them now is sympathy. What was bad was the fact that the world in which I grew up had to be perfect and its harmony and perfection were forced on me. I was not allowed to see that the world was not perfect. The main goal of my upbringing was to forestall the moment when I might say "Hold on!" [...] my education can certainly be termed a great success, for I managed to live for thirty years without noticing a thing."
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On Fritz's family's guiding principle
>"I would describe my family's situation like this: We did nothing and said nothing and fought for nothing and had no opinions and spent our time being amused by other people who were ridiculous enough to do, say, or thing something. [...] The less you do the less ridiculous you will be. We adhered to this principle, and it contributed greatly to making me respectable and miserable."
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sick, quoteanon is back
anyone have the archives of his old threads?
>Fritz "Zorn"
Who?
Also why the fuck are you doing this?
On Fritz being raised to meet standards of perfection
>"In retrospect, I would describe my family's situation like this: We did nothing and said nothing and fought for nothing and had no opinion and spent our time being amused by other people who were ridiculous enough to do, say, or think something. [...] The less you do, the less ridiculous you will be. We adhered to this principle, and it contributed greatly to making me respectable and miserable."
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On young Fritz's vulnerability
>"I was so vulnerable and so afraid of being wounded because I had not been taught how to be vulnerable. All I had been prepared for was to remain eternally inviolate and pure."
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On young Fritz's relationship with classmates
>"Despite the fact that I was generally regarded as an outsider and a weakling, my classmates still accepted me. They didn't particularly enjoy me, nor did they find my particularly offensive. My place among them was quite clear: I was not a spoilsport, but it was taken as granted that I would not participate in my schoolmates' activities. I wasn't excluded from what they did, I just didn't take part. I got along well with everyone and didn't have any enemies, but I didn't have any friends, either. I was a rather nondescript entity that evoked neither strong sympathy nor antipathy from others."
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On young Fritz's distinction among his classmates
>"In one respect, my existence as an outsider had certain advantages. It was clear that I occupied myself with "higher things." This was primarily evident in the fact that I was more boring than my classmates. But on the other hand it must have given me a certain air of distinction. My classmates found it not only ridiculous but also curious that I never swore, that i kept away from anything gross or impure, and that I remained excessively well-mannered in all circumstances."
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One do the most robot people to have existed.
On young Fritz's detachment from life
>"I took the street in the way I took in a film. It flickered in front of my eyes and stopped as soon as I left my seat. I saw women who were "elegant" or "good-looking" go by, but it never occurred to me that I, too, could feel desire for them. That is probably the quintessence of the world I was born into and that I would adopt as m own: Life is very good, but we are not life; life is those other people."
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On young Fritz's growing anxiety
>"Because all I did was look people over on the street, not with sympathy but critically and condescendingly, I automatically assumed that they looked at me the same way. Whenever anyone glanced at me on the street, I took for granted that the glance was critical and that the person had seen something objectionable about me."
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On young Fritz's anxiety around girls
>"I found it particularly painful when girls glanced at me. Since it had never occurred to me to look at girls admiringly and since I had always kept a lookout only for what was ridiculous in women, I assumed that they did the same with me. I was neither a particularly handsome nor a particularly ugly boy, and I imagine that some of the glances the girls sent in my direction were friendly ones. But I was incapable of interpreting even friendly glances as anything but expressions of criticism and displeasure. Every smile struck me as sarcastic and derisive. I hardly need say that I didn't smile back."
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For real?
>wrote an autobiography that everyone says is him whining for 143 pages
>whined so hard he got cancer
Sound like a robot alright.
On young Fritz's shyness
>"Like all shy people, I was horribly ashamed of the fact that I blushed so much and thus revealed my inner state for everyone to see. Because I was afraid of blushing, I fought fire with fire by deliberately inducing it. Whenever I realized, either in conversation or in class, that a topic that would make me blush was coming up, I staged a desperate diversionary action with my handkerchief, wiping away imaginary sweat or simulating a sneezing fit. Hypersensitive as I was, these painful incidents could only become more frequent, and I began to blush in situations that needn't have been embarrassing to someone of my excessive shyness."
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On young Fritz's distaste for the physical world
>"My body was alien to me, and I didn't know what in the world to do with it. [...] I was afraid of the brutality and primitiveness I sensed lurking in the physical world. I didn't enjoy physical activity; I thought myself ugly; and I was ashamed of my body. [...] It bothered me that I felt no tie between my body and the rest of the physical world, and the outward form this uneasiness took was excessive modesty. Not only did I avoid all physical contact, but I even avoided using words that referred to the body and its sexuality."
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On young Fritz attending Sex Ed class
>"Sex education at our school consisted primarily of a medical lecture designed to scare already quite mature students away from sexual intercourse. Using a slide projector, the school doctor showed us several schematic drawings of the human sexual organs, then topped the whole show off with a huge and grotesquely colored picture of the female organs. In a voice betraying deep emotion he said: "Just look at that, boys. That's what a woman really looks like. None of you would want to get into something like that, now, would you?" Next, he showed us photos of syphilitics in various stages of degeneration. Such, clearly, were the consequences of love."
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bumping this thread
based user
On young Fritz's loneliness
>"Many of my friends had girl friends. I, of course, did not. That it was perfectly natural for me not to have one could be explained by the fact that, in this respect, too, I was not as far along as my friends. I thought that in time I would have one. Now a long-term struggle between two opposing views began to take place in me: either I did not have a girlfriend *yet* or I was *incapable* of having a girl friend. As long as I possible could, I clung to the hypothesis that I was just not far enough along to have one. But this view became increasingly difficult to maintain. I saw that for a long time now it was not just my classmates and immediate contemporaries who had girl friends but also much younger and smaller boys. With each passing year, younger and younger students in our Gymnasium were successful with girls. Time was advancing, but I, instead of advancing with it, was standing still. The moment had long since come and gone when everyone else had a girl friend and when I should have had one, too. And suddenly I saw that the opportunity I regarded as "not yet come" had in reality "long since passed." I could no longer regard what should have happened long ago as something that might yet happen in the future. No vague possibility of fulfilment lay ahead before me. A past in which I had failed lay behind me. For the first time in my life, I realized that I was guilty, guilty of not having done what I ought to have done."
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On Fritz's parents avoiding the issue
>"our sexuality is at the heart of our being. It is the most vital thing in us, the focal point of our energies. [...] But all these things were in disfavour at our house. We detested the essence of things; we never wanted to get to the hear of a matter and always preferred to declare it "difficult," We never wanted to do anything ourselves. We preferred to smile at what other people did."
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On Fritz attempting to find a girlfriend
>"Dancing class was clearly the place to meet girl friends. As long as I didn't attend dancing classes, I had a good excuse for not having a girl friend. [...] Once there, I quickly realized that there were boys who knew what to do when they were with girls but that I didn't know what to do, and spent my time sitting around feeling inhibited and embarrassed. Once again, the others were knowledgeable, and I was ignorant. [...] While I stood by as a tongue-tied observer, girls who had been anonymous creatures to us all at the beginning of the class evolved into my friends' dancing-class girl friends.[...] I enrolled in a different dancing class in the vain hope that it would be much better [...] I didn't have the courage to admit to myself that the fault was all mine when I failed, that neither the dancing class nor any other institution was to blame, if I fell behind."
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On young Fritz's imaginary girlfriend
>"I remained pure [...] and had no contact with anything or anyone. I had no friends, and I had no love affairs. I was totally incapable of contact with girls, and I was just as incapable of talking about my difficulties in making contact with them An additional problem cropped up here. Everyone automatically assumed that after a certain age boys will have girl friends; and people often asked me whether I had a girl friend, too. Since I knew that I had to answer yes if I didn't want to look ridiculous, I consistently lied and claimed I did have a girlfriend."
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I am German and he seems like a perfectly normal boy
So when comes the part where he becomes a serial rapist/murderer?
>And suddenly I saw that the opportunity I regarded as "not yet come" had in reality "long since passed." I could no longer regard what should have happened long ago as something that might yet happen in the future. No vague possibility of fulfilment lay ahead before me. A past in which I had failed lay behind me. For the first time in my life, I realized that I was guilty, guilty of not having done what I ought to have done."
god fucking dammit i did not ask for these feels to be delivered so brutally and precisely into my cerebellum
On Fritz summarizing his school years
>"So there I was: a moderately good but also a moderetaly uninterested student. I had the world's best manners and never gave cause for offence or censure at school. The only subject in which I was inadequate beyond all belief was physical education. My schoolmates neither hated me nor tormented me, but I did not have any friends. I attended several dancing classes to learn how to get along with girls, but I couldn't learn how to dance at all and I learned how to get along with girls even less. I was intelligent, but I didn't know how to do anything. Outwardly, I seemed to be almost repulsively normal, but I was anything but a normal, healthy young man. To the rest of the world, I was known as someone who busied himself with the "higher things," but inwardly I realized that I fallen way behind and really belonged among the very youngest boys in our school. I had no problems, and I sensed that it was better that I had non because I wouldn't have been able to cope with any of I had had them. In short, I had all the prerequisites for becoming a very unhappy person."
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On young Fritz the hermit crab
>"The hermit crab carries a lot of armor plate up front, but his backside is naked. He deals with this problem but sticking his vulnerable rear end into empty snail shells and exposing only his protected forequarters to the world. [...] What agonies of anxiety a hermit crab must endure when he finally sets out to look for a new house, thereby exposing his naked hindquarters to a host of ravenous enemies. [...] It makes sense that these creatures are called hermit crabs, because refusal to expose oneself is an asocial trait."
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if you want to read something with better prose and much better insight that's autobiographical, read something by marcel proust, and anyways, proves that if you wine enough and have the money, people will pay attention because they wine too.
On young Fritz's fear of other people
>"My fear of girls [...] was only the most extreme manifestation in me of a fear of people in general. I was unable to approach them, and I could force myself to do it only when it was absolutely necessary. I preferred to say nothing to people I didn't know or with whom I was only slightly acquainted, and my fear of people often prevented me from speaking to someone even when I was longing to do so"
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On Fritz's fear of love
>"It's clear that the girl friend I imagined having would never become a reality because I couldn't even manage to speak to a girl, much less ask her if she would be my girl friend. The reason I did not have a girl friend was not, as I tried to convince myself, that I was still one of the "younger" students. Not was it that the expected chance meeting with a girl at dancing class had failed to materialize. Th real reason was what had failed to materialize in me. For behind the superficial image I had of my imaginary girl friend lurked still another image of which I had not yet become fully aware: an image of woman, of sexuality, of love, of life itself. [...] I had grown up in a house where life was not a welcome guest. We would rather be correct than alive."
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On young Fritz yearning for romantic love
>"My romantic ideas about love derived from movie scenes of love at first sight. I dreamed about how I, too (at some indeterminate time in the future when I would finally be "old" enough), would meet a girl and would feel, the moment I saw her, that she was my one true love (and of course the girl would feel exactly the same thing about me at exactly the same moment). [...] She would be as lifeless and boring as I, and would go to just as much trouble to see that neither of us was ever wounded, or even slightly nicked, by the other. Poor woman."
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On teenage Fritz's depression
>"I got sick. I didn't know at the time that I had a disease, nor did I even know the name of the disease. It's one of the most widespread diseases of our time. It's called depression. I would guess now that it began with I was about seventeen or eighteen. It hasn't left me since. I'm thirty-two now, and if I want to take the trouble to calculate the duration of my illness, I come up with fifteen years. [...] Everything seems so gray and empty. Nothing gives you any pleasure, and everything painful is felt to be excessively painful. You have no hope left and can't see beyond an unhappy and meaningless present. All the so-called delights of life inspire no delight. The company of others only aggravates your sense of aloneness. All amusements leave you cold. Vacations provide no real change and weigh more heavily on you than the rest of the year. All the plans you make to get out of your depression you eventually abandon "because nothing does any good anyhow." The two most prominent features of depression are hopelessness and loneliness."
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My grandparents were all German but I'm American. This all sounds like something I would have written in my 20s. I'm a bit better now at 34. Not totally better, a little better. I seem to have a lot in common with Fritz, maybe just by coincidence. I too was a boring student, I attended university and couldn't get a girlfriend, I became a teacher for a year, I've even had pet hermit crabs from a brackish river I lived near.
Fritz seems totally depressed that he wasted his youth. I think that's partly his own fault but his parents must share some of the blame. He tried to fix the problem with the dance classes he attended but that went nowhere. I tried fixing my problems by attending a UU fellowship but that also went nowhere, though I did make a friend who was in his 90s. I eventually got a better job and met a nurse there who I don't really want to be in a relationship with, but I don't know how I'll get another girlfriend after her.
My question is, what can be done to get out of ruts like this?
blumpf for kkkrumpf
On young Fritz entering university
>"I was a very dapper student, I always wore black slacks, a white shirt, a dark blue jacket, and a black tie. My outfit was very dignified and looked like an elegant uniform. But I knew even then that these clothes, absurdly inappropriate as they were for a young man, were the visible sign of my depression. My inner self insisted on my displaying these symbols of mourning.
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On Fritz's depression becoming more intense
>"things were not dandy. I was depressed and caught in a deepening conflict between my inner and outer life. I seemed to have no problems at all, but I was obviously fining it more and more difficult to make this image of an unproblematic life jibe with the real sense I had of myself and the world. I was determined to see myself as an unproblematic type, and I resorted to all kinds of self-deceptive maneuvers so that I could appear in my eyes as this ideal figure. [...] I was [...] simply one more young man among many others like me, a young man who could no longer city any valid reason why he lacked what should have taken visible form in the person of a girl friend."
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Anyone got a copy of the comic book version of this book? Sounds interesting, someone could do a storytime like they do on /co/.
On Fritz's futile attempt to feign happiness
>"This became one of my major problems during my student years. In my heart I knew I was a failure, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I also knew that the basic reason I was a failure was that I didn't have a woman, for "woman" was the symbol and essence of everything I was lacking. [...] I always acted cheerful and composed. [...] I always had a smile on my lips because I wanted to create the impression that I was not frustrated. The more depressed I was in my innermost myself, the more I smiled at the outside world. The blacker on the insider, the brighter on the outside."
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On Fritz the depressed neurotic
>"If we accept the definition of a neurotic as a person who can never live in the present and always seeks refuge either in the future or in the past, then I fulfilled all the requirements by the time I was a university student. On the one hand, I still saw myself as a "little boy" who had fallen behind and was still not capable of doing anything. [...] I was psychically ill and didn't want to accept that fact."
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On Fritz attempting to justify his depression
>"My way out was to find prototypes of myself in the world around me. If I could establish myself as some kind of typical case, I thought, then I could feel sure that I was like other people and therefore normal. This line of thought was erroneous, of course, because the typical case can be far from normal. [...] The fact that all the patients in a TB sanatorium are suffering from the same disease does not mean they are in a state of normal health. But I still kept a lookout for cases that resembled mine and could provide me with an excuse. I found some cases in literature. Books offered me figure upon figure I could identify with. What happened to a literary figure (and what very likely happened to the author and creator of this figure) could just as easily happen to me, and I took it as a rule and a norm."
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On Fritz the reluctant artist
>"I was always convinced that [literary protagonist] Tonio Kroger was nothing but an artist and that his artist's existence was not a blessing but rather a curse that Tonio Kroger had to learn to live with. The primary thing in his life was his inability to be like other people; his artist's career was a secondary factor, proceeding logically from that inability as a by-product of it. Such were my first inklings that art should probably be regarded merely as a symptom for a low level of vitality, and I began to suspect [...] that the impulse behind poetry was quite simple. If a person was only frustrated enough, he could automatically begin to write poems. That was bad news for me, for I realized that my vitality was not in the best of shape, and I also wrote."
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On Fritz's lonely evenings at university
>"The evening was always the worst part of the day there. Whenever I found myself alone and didn't know what to do with myself, I would hang around the inner courtyard at the university and wait for some company to turn up. I was faced with two equally dismal alternatives. I could leave my post, call it a day, and make my dreary way home. Or I could persist, hoping devoutly that somebody would come along and put an end to my loneliness. More often than not, somebody would come along after I had waited there for hours, but all this person would have to say was goodbye [...] because he had plans for the evening."
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Jow Forums is dead when this thread is on page 7 and /r9gay/ is spammed to page 1
our patience has its limits
Yeah I don't know why Jow Forums in general turned so gay. Maybe it's chemicals in the water or some shit like that. Birth control medications and stuff from plastics maybe.
The people shilling homosexuality and transgenderism were not here a year ago. They are different people than the real Jow Forums community.
Jow Forums was right about paid shills on their board, but on Jow Forums it's just sick fucks who get off on taking advantage of disenfranchised white men.
Just a couple months ago these sorts of threads had repliers waiting with bated breath, whats going on?
On Fritz hoping for a friend
>"the imaginary somebody I was waiting for was always at liberty and without other obligations (just as I was). He was probably feeling bored and lonesome himself and would therefore be delighted to find another fellow sufferer still at this otherwise deserted university at seven in the evening. But that somebody usually did not turn up. The courtyard became more and more deserted until, finally, I was the only person left and the somebody I had been waiting for had become no one at all. I was alone; and with the greatest reluctance I would force myself to go home to K., knowing there was nothing more to be hoped for from this day."
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On Fritz the abandoned soul
>"I've already mentioned how depressing I found it that the other students were always too busy to want to join me in killing time. But there was more to it than that. I realized that these students who were always pursuing their activities were more interesting than I was and knew more than I did. At the Gymnasium, I had been the mysterious idler. Now I was suddenly just a poor abandoned soul when all the other said goodbye and went about their business."
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The robot was replaced with the orbiter, the faggot, and the "fembot." Jow Forums doesn't exist, this is its corpse.
On Fritz summarising his years at university
>"The university was my new home and my new shelter from the world, and I was as unwilling to leave it as any of us at home had been to leave the protective shell of our family circle. Most of the time, I quite literally did not leave the university. I attended my classes [...] and spent the rest of my time more or less idly, drinking coffee in the aforementioned courtyard. I never never took advantage of my free time to go and do something in the city. [...] Perhaps the way to put it is that I was home at the university pretty much out of necessity. It had replaced my parents' house as the shell I crawled into out of fear and a need for protection. It was the place I turned to for refuge, even though nothing particularly enjoyable was waiting for me there."
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On Fritz the good boy
>"I didn't have the courage to be a truly reprobate student. I didn't spent my days in bars. I didn't get drunk. I didn't hang out in gambling casinos and bordellos. I didn't spent all my time seducing pretty coeds. [...] I did none of those things because, at heart, I was a good boy. I cut plenty of classes, but I didn't make use of the time I gained this way to do something more fun. All I did was sit around in the courtyard and drink my hundredth cup of coffee. [...] (which, incidentally, tasted pretty terrible)"
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On two kinds of loneliness
>"I felt lonely all the time and couldn't bear my loneliness. I fled to the society of others, but those others were never my real friends. They were always just "other people", and since I could not handle human relationships any better than I could loneliness, I usually felt even more alone in the company of others than I did apart from it. The result was that I was torn between utterly contrary feelings. If I was alone, I felt I couldn't bear my isolation any longer, and had to seek out company no matter what. [...] But when I was with other people, I realized again how far away I was from them and how unbridgeable the gap between us was. In these situations, I was more conscious than ever of myself as an outsider and wanted to get away from others so that I could also escape my feelings of being an outsider among them."
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On hope and despair
>"Just as my workday consisted mainly of breaks, the course of my life consisted mainly of waiting. It had been my habit for years to keep hoping for imaginary "better days" that would release me from my suffering. But, at the same time, I remained utterly passive and did nothing but hope that the future would "bring" me happiness. The thought that I could make something out of the present myself never occurred to me. I must have had a vast capacity for hope. Hope can offer us a new opening on life, but in some circumstances despair may well be the better response."
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On Fritz's excuses for his depression
>"I persuaded myself that everything else in my life was just fine even though I was depressed. I may have been lonely, but as compensation for that I was intelligent. I may have been unhappy, but I had a lot of acquaintances [...] I was frustrated, but I had a Ph.D., and not everybody could say that. In short, I was desperate, but I couldn't allow myself to admit it. How pointless it was to see my depression as the price I had to pay for intelligence or my plays as compensation for my loneliness, as if a stupid person couldn't be depressed or an intelligent one happy"
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On Fritz's preference for miserable weather
>"This is why I often found rainy days more tolerable than bright ones. Wretched weather provided obvious justification for feeling rotten and for complaining [...] I found it difficult to nod cheerful agreement if someone called out to me that it was a gorgeous summer day [...] The change of season consoled and cheered the multitudes who had been downcast by cold and dampness, but it left me behind, still as alone and unconsoled as ever."
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ba ba bump
It really is too bad tgat it's what people see. I am going tgrough a pretty major depression an while I am nowhere near similar to him both in terms of upbringing, outlook and mentality, I understand all too well what he was going through and how you feel when despite every of your efforts, you can't shake the self-hatred and self-dissapointment. I actually have a lot of friends who love me like it's not possible and I can't understand why because I don't see what they see or, rather, I feel like they don't see who I really am. I feel like a coward. I give up on everything I start, I never take initiative for anything and always expect to be lead by the hand for everything I want and hope to happen, I keep praying for things to fall off the sky on my lap and the most painful thing to accept is that I have the potential to do everything I ever want to do and the skills, but I'm a slacker, a coward and a fraud. I could have a girlfriend if I just fucking did it, I could draw the comic I always wanted to draw, I could have my artisanal metal workshop, I could learn japanese like my friends, I could do anything, but everything I ever start I guve up on because I'll be damned if I put effort into anything I do.
I know all too well how it feels to be prisoner of who you are, to keep a fake image that people fall in love with or are indifferent to because you're in denial of the weak coward you are.
They call this whining? I call this inspirational. One thing that disgust me about people in general is how they run away from sadness and pain. People wanna get their little fix of boring motivational speech. All thry want is ti hear some Ghandi shit about hope and dreams, but are disgusted by people expressing their actual human condition, their fear, their misery.
Maybe if more people were ready to face the fact that life is terrifying, we would know more empathy. Maybe then, being a robot would be a thing of the past.
>this entire post
Fucking yikes, kid. I don't know about all that.
tl;dr
Text for originality.
Do you feel clever?
Jow Forums has been demographically replaced by an unholy union of roasties, normies, underage, failed normies, gays and cuckold posters. It seems all anyone wants to talk about lately is their depraved sexual fetishes or act as much of a bitter normie shithead as possible, maybe to feel like they belong here.
Years ago this place was different. I can't imagine what it will be in even 2 or 3 years, I dread that day.
You still around OP?
I'm still trying to figure ot out at 30. Depression can hut anyone regardless of the kind of life they live. I have friends, a good career, nice material things and ambition, but absolutely 0 drive to go forth with any of them, including jumping in the figurative pool to get a gf. My days are spent doing nothing at all except when I follow along with my friends and put on my personnage of an energetic and entertaining fellow which grants me a lot of admiration, but all of it is a facade to hide the fact that I've been slowly dying inside and feeling like nothing could save me. It hurts because I love my friends with all my heart and genuinely enjoy my time with them, but once I'm back home I instantly go back into depression. Unless I am stimulated 100% of the time with social distraction, I feel miserable and cowardly.
I wish I could help you, but I am in dire need of help myself. Still waiting on a list for therapy as this is my last resort. All I can do is sympathize and encourage you to keep it up. I think it's ok to feel worthless and feel like life is fucking shit, but despite my existential condition, I love life and know that there are great things about it such as its people. If I can't live for myself, I will live for them. I think there is worth in this. I give up easy, but not on life. Good luck friend, I hope you will learn to feel the same.
Thank you for providing a little bit of a light in the darkness, OP. Keep safe as you wander back into the night.