Stories thread

yo i got a shitty story
>be me
>retarded 19 y/o
>have intestine issues and chronical pain
>go to the doctor get your ass checked out and shit
>doctor wanted me to get a stool sample
>me being uninformed asks how i will go about doing this
>doctor jokingly replies "idk poop on a plastic plate
>takes it seriously

>get home
>really needed to shit
>realises i have to take the stool sample
>wondering how i will get this shit in this test tube
>do what the doctor told me
>go to the bathroom with a plastic plate
>put plastic plate on closed toilet lid
>hunker over it like a dog
>take massive fiber shit
>holy shit
>shit overflows onto the toilet seat
>omfg
>stop shitting and put the plate on the edge of the sink
>gagging because of the stench
>i never knew how much the water restricted the scent
>trying to clean it up
>accidently bump into plate of shit
>it falls face down onto the floor
>i want to fucking die
>realises i did all this for a reason
>dunno how to get this shit into the test tube
>grab pinches of shit and shove into test tube
>fill the fucker to the brim
>realises the lid of the test tube has an attached spoon
>want to die
>cleaning up takes an hour, the stench filled the house and my family is looking at me in disgust

>later at the doctors
>turning in test tube
>doctor stares at it and then at me etc etc
>look of disgust
>what did i do
>realises there's a line on the test tube
>aaaaa
>was only supposed to fill 1/5 of the test tube
>mfw

anyways thats why i stopped going to the doctors

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Well done

>NO
>77

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thanks, how fucked am i in society?

who quote

You'll be fine. Maybe.

who are you quoting?

This is the story of how I got tricked by this girl: pic related
>Be me
>Come home frome school at around 1 PM
>Really exhausted and browsing /soc/ in bed
>See thread of cute girls looking for an "ebf" to play games with
>Being a genius think that ebf means for "internet best friend"
>Start having a conversation with
>H-hey it's actually going pretty good
>Send a pic of myself
>"Hey you're pretty cute"
>I suddenly realize "ebf" means internet boyfriend
>Oh m-my this is serious
>We've been talking for maybe an hour or less and I decide to take a nap
Cont.?

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.

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who are you qouting?.

Uhh shoud I continue or nah?

>be Swedish
>Fill poop sample above poop line
>Thrown out of doctor office
>On way home
>Get blown up by grenade of peace

prince philip idk, this is a stories thread, aren't all things qoutes in the end?

Yes, im interested in what /soc/fags are like

>want to go see Wonder Woman
>can't find a decent camrip online
>decide to bite the bullet and go to the cinema
>purchase my ticket online so as to minimize human interaction
>I have a touch of the 'tism so conversations are difficult for me
>catch the bus, sit by myself on a 2-seater in front of two 15 year old girls
>they see me, one of them taps me on the shoulder and looks away giggling when I turn around
>I get red-faced and tears start welling
>one of the girls says "hey what's your name cutie?"
>I turn around and yell "I AM JUST TRYING TO RIDE THE BUS PLEASE STOP INTIMIDATING ME"
>tears are flowing by this point
>everyone on the bus is looking at me
>I turn back around and I can hear someone at the back of the bus say "oh my god what a psycho"
>pull my hood over my head to avoid making eye contact with anyone when I exit the bus.
>I arrive at the cinema
>get in line behind two nigras, accidentally scuff the back of one's shoe
>he turns around
>"DA FUCK YOU TOUCHIN' ME FO WHITE BOI YOU BEST BE SUCKING MY DICK NOW NIGGA"
>blubber "o-ok"
>get down on my knees
>he takes out his cock, it's 16 inches
>start sucking the tip
>"OH YEEEEEAH, YO GET A LOAD OF DIS WHYTE BOI YEAH SUCK DAT DICK"
>he nuts in over my face
>some it gets in my eyes
>teenagers are laughing at me
>manager comes over and tells everyone to hurry up and get inside
>doesn't let me wipe the cum from my face
>I go into the theater
>eventually realize I'm in the wrong theater
>It's the Boss Baby
>try to leave, security shakes their head at me and gestures for me to sit back down
>might as well enjoy the movie
>I take out my bread and butter from my coin purse and offer some to the family sitting next to me
>little girl punches me in the balls
>I can't breath
>mother screams at me and calls me a monster
>can't see anything but red flashing, I can feel myself being dragged out by a cheering crowd
>put in a police car and taken to the station
>put in holding cell
>spaghetti falls out of my asshole

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whom quote?

stop it ruski invalid

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>Wake up from nap around 8pm now
>I'm in VC with two old friends frim Discord
>Having a nice old chat
>Girls messages me, she wants to play tf2
>"Sure of course"
>Right before pressing the play button for tf2 I start bragging how I have qt assie egf
>"She's basically my girlfriend"
>Send picture to old friend
>"YOOOOO THAT'S A DUDE"
>Think he's messing with me because of the teap meme
>"No it's not stfu!!!"
>He says it's a trap from an old Jow Forums server he used to browse and asks me what her username is
>He thinks she made a new account since that username doesn't correlate to what he remembers
>Ask her the supposed username
>She's confused
>I start getting angry at friend in vc
>Know he has a large pic collection of everyone he meets on discord
>Tell him to send a pic of her
>He sends it and I send it to the "girl"
>"Is this you" I ask her
>"Mhm"
>"FUCK YOU"
>I'm simultaneously both laughing at my own stupidity and crying at it
>I'm so heartbroken amidst the laughter of my friends in VC dying from what just happened
>I feel like George Costanza in a Seinfeld episode trying to justify it's not gay to fuck a trap

I know it's over
and it never really began
But in my heart it was so real

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>Be me
>15 years old and smokin big doinks kid
>its summer
>friend in the neighborhood says he has college friends throwing a party and invites me
>when the college kids arrived the car was packed so they had two people sit on each other and I sat next to them and my friend just went in the trunk
>get to the party and it's all older people, like in their 30's older
>get the nickname "sweet legs" by a fellow drunk party mate
>girl that drove us asks guy who owns the house if we can smoke outside bc it was windy
>we roll up a handful of blunts and got it going around the circle
>drunk guys getting jealous that all the girls are inside smoking weed
>they tell us they want us to come outside
>that's cool just let us finish first
>military Chad type KICKS THE FUCKING DOOR OPEN (the wife of the guy who owns the house was actually leaning against the door) and pulls a fucking gun on us
>mfw I thought it was a fake gun so I started laughing while everyone else is dead ass silent
>we all go outside and I was so baked I didn't get why at the time
"I can't believe they pulled a fucking gun on us"
"Wait that was a real gun?"
*Seinfeld theme plays*

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This one time I was at my friends house and it was midnight and we were playing truth or dare it was me, and 3 other people. I was dared to go outside and start screaming and we thought that no one was outside but when I ran outside to scream I saw 2 girls unloading their car in the road down the street a bit in the dark. Anyway I start screaming about vegans and go back inside a week later my friend tells me that his house got a noise complaint from that but his family just laughed it off. I then did this same thing again and got another noise complaint filed against them.

>be me
>be on internet browser
>cant be brothered to set up a blog
>get idea.tasproj
>be posting on >random >board
>think its funny to make everyone read my >posts in >green
>type up story.tar.bz2
>misuse >quote >function
>ld.so
>my >m>f>w >when

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who u quote

who are you quoting

Post pictures of trap

JESUS CHRIST DONT YOU KNOW HOW TO USE MEME ARROWS?

who are you quoting