Tfw schizophrenic

>tfw schizophrenic
>tfw became comfortable with my version of reality
>tfw only have episodes when i try to connect with others now
>tfw basically programmed to be alone

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Whats your version of reality?

the one where i crash landed on earth and am waiting to be rescued, except i actually believe it

That's it? Who fucking cares! Just keep it to yourself and stay out of trouble. You're here, so continue to blend in as best you can. If there's something else you feel you need to do (and it's not harming anyone) then check it out in private.

appreciate the sentiment

That's smart, the only reason why people feel the need to "correct" your thinking is because it's so different it debases their sense of the real.

Schizos rarely know they are crazy ffs. That's the problem with them when prescribing those fucking pills.

There are people who believe in reincarnation, concurrent parallel universe where you are connected to each version because you are one soul and time/space are merely physical elements,
angel/human chimaeras who feed off blood of humans.

It really doesn't matter to anyone else, because they can't understand it anyways.

The problem is just how it's managed. By outside forces and your own. But ultimately the only thing you can control are your own.

yeah from what i understand it scares people and they also scare me because they seem like actors trying to make me follow a script i don't want to follow

i've experimented with all sorts of drugs and never stuck with what i was prescribed. honestly some type of opiate seems like it would be best. or CBD oil. one of the biggest problems is the inability to feel pleasure or satisfaction from anything. i feel the same about doing anything as i do staring at a wall. also the only reason i'm even aware of my condition is because everyone else is so fucking strange.

those people don't have delusions and hallucinations though, they have "spiritual experiences". they can still function and form relationships. that's the difference. i don't have control anymore. well, the only thing i can really control is whether or not i'm alone. and 100% of the time i choose to be alone.

>yeah from what i understand it scares people and they also scare me because they seem like actors trying to make me follow a script i don't want to follow
They are. They don't fully think, and cede reality to the mob.

that just seems so weird. i think people like me want to keep giving them the benefit of the doubt so we invent justifications that become delusions. "people can't be this oblivious, they have to be secret agents" and such.

Society and communication really is following a script though it's Improv by the time you leave diapers. Say the same shit, but in a weird way and no one knows what you're talking about.

You might like CBD... Be careful with thc, though.

(I'm this user) What do you mean you can't control? What you see/hear or what you do? Because just because you can put a Boogeyman to your problem doesn't mean others don't live with chronic mental attacks.

People don't hear what the other person says, they hear only what they can understand.

>Society and communication really is following a script though it's Improv by the time you leave diapers. Say the same shit, but in a weird way and no one knows what you're talking about.
i like that way of looking at it. the substrate is the same but the expression changes to fit whatever the circumstances require. and it's funny to me because on one hand, a crazy person understands this, but on the other, they move past it and fall out of touch trying to come up with a form of communication that is more efficient and insightful. except nobody else has learned their private language so nobody else is really able to connect with them.

i like CBD better than THC or whatever you get smoking straight plants. it's definitely more calming, more cogent.

>Because just because you can put a Boogeyman to your problem doesn't mean others don't live with chronic mental attacks.
yeah sorry about that i don't mean to be a snowflake. it's just, i look at most other people and even extreme OCD sufferers have a life and do stuff i could never do. i'm sitting here right now shaking like a leaf because i'm sharing true things about myself on the internet. the longest i've worked a job was just under a year because i couldn't stay mentally stable enough to cope with monotony and constant outside pressure. i don't have the mental check valves and stuff that makes people do things because they just gotta do them, or because they like having fun, feel alone, handle stress. and yet at the same time i'm completely apathetic, my brain feels like a cold rug laying on the floor that hasn't had the dust beaten off it in ages

>People don't hear what the other person says, they hear only what they can understand.
sad but true, very perceptive user

user, we'll be forever alone. I feel you.

you too dude. best wishes to you in this life. hopefully that parallel universe stuff has a shred of truth and this isn't really the only chance we get.

>i like CBD better than THC or whatever you get smoking straight plants. it's definitely more calming, more cogent.
Before the modern rebranding of mj, it was bred for thc. But there are definitely more stains today with higher CBD content than days of yore. I was just concerned the would be too psychoactive, either way glad you the herb. If you can, try to get some RSO and put a tiny drop in morning coffee/tea with cream/grassfedbutter/coconutoil or something. See how that treats you.

>snowflake
Nah, you're fine. Life is about figuring shit out, not having it figured out. You may be struggling and possibly feel like stagnating, but you haven't given up from what it seems like.
Modern society doesn't even reflect what Man (as an animal flesh) evolved to do. Everything is so fucked. I'm sorry you find it painful to be disconnected from that, but I understand your sense of emptiness because you haven't found a connection (even if you crash landed, and it wasn't supposed to be like this, you can still try to carry out some mission.)

I don't expect things to turn around quickly or easily for you, OP. But I hope you find a spark you can call your own again soon and find a way that is your own to protect and nurture it.

Have you tried looking into ayurvedic medicine? If you've got nothing to lose, check it out.

>Before the modern rebranding of mj, it was bred for thc. But there are definitely more stains today with higher CBD content than days of yore.
oh i see, thanks for explaining. just looked up how to make RSO and it seems like an interesting alternative to normal oil. i really should try a consistent regiment, this would be a good way to start.

thank you for the hope user it's nice to be given a brief moment of being understood and cared about.

appreciate the suggestion, i'll try looking up specific treatments or something

How do you deal with those pesky feelings that there's a grand conspiracy out to target you and that everyone has been replaced by aliens. Or that people are coming to kill you? These crop up a lot, but I keep them under control.

But, you know, I don't have a problem because I'm not experiencing it at the moment, and I don't hallucinate. Thanks 'trained professionals'!

ah yeah. all of my energy (and i'm guessing yours too) goes to dispelling those thoughts so that they stay pesky feelings, nothing bigger. except when they don't. and then i'm calculating the chances of being arrested/detained/murdered for something i might have done (or didn't do at all). and suddenly god tries to hit me with a red car. that really fucks my day up. but otherwise, they mostly stay under control while i'm alone.

>But, you know, I don't have a problem because I'm not experiencing it at the moment, and I don't hallucinate. Thanks 'trained professionals'!
exactly

Look up the serenity prayer. (Have you heard of Gangstalking/Targeted Individuals?)

>except when they don't
I have unironically ruined my life due to those short moment where I lose control and I start to believe everyone is out to get me. Loved ones, opportunities... Gone, in an instant. Maybe there really is an organised conspiracy and I am a sick little toy? Fuck I hate them. I want them to die.

But hey, at least I don't CURRENTLY experience them, right? I guess fuck me if I believed my parents were fucking spooks my whole childhood. Because currently I'm acting okay! They're despicable pigs. Disgusting. I hate them all. They deserve this.

I know it. And I have.