Feelz thread

it's pleasant living, but the work is hard as fuck and the pay really fucking sucks. Working 5 days first week then 7days the second, repeat twice every month, and every working day is 6:30am-6:30pm. As an apprentice it's awful getting 250 EUR a month net for 228 hours of work, getting 8x less than I used to back when working in the city. If they actually paid minimum wage though i'd have like 1565 EUR leftover from ~2015 EUR per month. The price we pay to escape society..

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Just got diagnosed with a spinal cord condition, just fuck my shit up senpai.

When you think depression is bad enough, life gives you physical problems. Now my entire life is just suffering.

>Just got diagnosed with a spinal cord condition, just fuck my shit up senpai.
>When you think depression is bad enough, life gives you physical problems. Now my entire life is just suffering.
dude IDK what to say...id KMS but dont be me

I miss the cold dark forests of misanthropy

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>9th grade me
>girl named caroline
>sat behind me in English and other classes
>9.5/10
>didn't think girls would ever dig me at all so I acted myself and didn't give a fuck
>she liked this and talked to me more and more.
>actually thought I was funny and nice. We had REAL conversations
>this goes on half the school year until I finally start to see I'm pretty attracted to her.
>I feel the emotion in my heart. I really like this girl and she maybe, JUST MAYBE feel the same way
>it even got to the point where I'd walk with her to her next class, laugh, joke, ect.
>we are both in band, about to go to a competition in an hour. Right now we are at the jr. High(it was considered high school but the actual high school building wasn't big enough for all grades), we decide to go to the gas station to get snacks.
>she looks beautiful, blue dress, flowing in the slight breeze, well done make up, shes a fucking stunner, every one knows it, and shes talking to fucking ME of all people.

Cont(?)

continue origano pasmo

Alright, cool give me a sec

>people behind us teasingly say "awww look at user and Caroline!! Hahah!"
>we both blush, its awkward, we don't say much
>meet up with my good friend since 4th grade caleb. Kind of arrogant, bit of a troll but he was a real bro when I needed him to be.
>this guy ends up buying a WHOLE ROTISSEREY CHICKEN FOR THE DRIVE TO COMPETETION
>many keys were had, me and caroline indulge ourselves to this beast of a feast on the way there
>we are sitting next to each other and our shoulders are touching
>we both knew what was going on but we were too awkward to hold hands or any shit.
>what's important is that this is happening, right here, right now
Couple months pass...
>hanging out with my group
>there's this guy Brady
>literally real life Eric cartman.
>"you dating caroline?"
>"well, no we are just friends man."
>"oh okay dude"
>end of 4th period rolls around, talking to caroline

Cont.

>both smiling, both joking.
>I had talked to caleb about asking her out, I'm really getting feelings for her
>anyway, caleb walks by and yells to caroline across the band room
>"HE WANTS YOUR CHOPS"
>oh my fucking God dude could you fucking not
>lunch rolls around
>caleb, his girlfriend, and caroline are sitting at a table, I'm heading out to the courtyard area to get some fresh air
>caleb pulls a caleb and yells
>SHE WANTS YOUR CHOPS DUDE
>dude please dont. fuck.
>I'm secretly stoked as fuck.
>a week passes and the time is right
>I walk her to math class at the end of one day and say
>"look, I feel I've really gotten to know you, and I have fun hanging out with you. You're a great person caroline. I was wondering if you'd go on a date with me sometime? Maybe catch a movie or something?
>I had to shove all inner dialogue to do this
>my heart is about to pound my chest plate open

Cont.

>"oohh.." she says
>...
>"user you are a really awesome guy, and really I want to say yes, I just have a lot go on at home, I'm stressing out over flag team, and my parents are on my ass about my grades. I'd say yes, really, but it's not a good time."
>i completely understand this and I let her know
>she reaches around and hugs me tight

Let's fast forward to midway 2nd semester

>things are still the same
>in out conversations shes mentioned that's shes had more and more free time come up
>says shed been hanging out with her friend
>"oh that's cool!"
>I take this hint. I feel like she made it quite clear, she brought it up a couple times, and has been flirty like she was before
>okay I'll plan it.
>bro caleb comes up to me one day and says "is Brady dating caroline?"
>"what? No?"
>"oh. I just saw then talking at lunch together at a table."

Cont.

>Brady is typically popular, hangs and talks to a lot of people and me and him have always been on good terms so by no means I had to reason to suspect anything
>the time finally rolls around and I walk her to her math class again
>"hey caroline, i know i asked you earlier, but you've mentioned you had more free time, and I still feel the same as before.. would you want to.."
>I stopped because I see the sad look on her face.
>like she knew this was coming but she was hoping it wouldn't.
>"user.. I'm sorry.. I still cant-"
>Nonono! It's okay! I understand! It dosent have to be like this anyway! You know, I'm happy just hanging out with you regardless!."
>"an in thank you so much! I'm really glad you're understanding about this. Thank you thank you!"

Bros fucking hold me on this next part...

Cont.

>weekend
>caleb and I just discovered dark souls 1
>it came out not too long ago at this point in time and it's nothing but good times and good vibes
>I'm not too upset by caroline rejection, I'm used to being single, it was too good to be true and I cant lose what I never had. Right?..
>Something hilarious happens that results in me dying
>being the half dick troll caleb is he usually would have laughed out loud or said something to aggravate me, but just kind of half smiles and says "damn dude.."
>"are.. are you good dude?"
>"yeah just.. I need to tell you something and I know you aren't going to take it well man."
>"Haha, I think I can handle it dude. It cant be that bad."
>"caroline came up to me and my gf talking about she cant decide whether to date Brady or not"
>
>it all came crashing down
>I felt my soul being sucked into the void
>i couldn't even think. I was just a robot
>"man.. I'm sorry.. but i just want you to know i bitched her the fuck out man. I called her out on all of it."

Cont.

>"well..."
>I cant even formulate a fucking sentence
>"well you should have not done that dude"
>"what the fuck are you talking about user she les you on and-"
>"BECAUSE SHES A BEAUTIFUL PERSON CALEB JESUS."
>He isn't shocked, he just knows. Anybody would.
>a few minutes of silent dark souls passed and I just pack my shit up, call my dad to come get me and I go home without uttering a word.

School. Monday. English. And shes sitting behind me.

>"hey! user! Guess what?"
>"what."
>I'm dead inside.
>I got this cool kill bill folder! Check it out!
>look at it with cold eyes
>Maybe it was cool, but it didn't matter
>"heh. Yeah.."
>lunch rolls around
>"hey user want to come by Brady and I"
>cold voice creeps out my throat
>"no thanks, I have to catch up on homework"

Cont. Next part last part

>she starts asking what's wrong
>"just a lot going on at home. And I'm really trying to focus on band right now"
>sound familiar guys?
>become more and more distant and Brady and her get more and more closer
>Brady acts like my friend, I just act dead.
>they start dating
>he walks her to math class
>he jokes with her in the hallways
>they went to the movies
>I still have feeling for her
>I cant shake them away even seeing all of this
>all I can do is just watch for a while and eventually turn my head away for good.
>"and when everything's meant to be broken."
>"I just want you to know who I am."

I never saw her again after 9th grade. I then moved schools.

damn bro, I feel sorry for you

Hey it's all good man. I didn't ask for any of this anyway

I don't know man. I think I sorta give up on life already. I just lower my expectations on things day by day. I don't even want a gf or any of that sort of stuff anymore man. It's surreal and peaceful at the same time.

I escaped the negative thought cycle. There is hope for all of you. But this is the first thing you have to do. Your worst enemy is not women, or other males, but the cycle.

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How do you cope with the fact that your little brother is the literal better version of you in almost every way? I am a 24 year old virgin who is depressed short and ugly. while he is tall and handsome and has a large friend group with a smoking hot girlfriend.

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I'm really tired--I should be sleeping right now. However, I feel there's baggage I should be unloading, though I'm not sure what kind of baggage it is.

Maybe I'll start off on a reflection on an arc of my life that has just ended--that's right, high school (don't know how it works in Burgerland, but here in Kangaroo Island, high school consists of grades 7 to 12).
After a bit of thinking regarding this topic, I've realised that during my time throughout high school, I have not made one single genuine connection--I know nobody with which I can gush about the world's problems or go to for support. I don't know when this started, but it seems I have kept myself at a safe enough distance that no trouble occurs, yet far enough that I couldn't ever learn about anyone. To those I know, I am but a mere crazy person--it's what I'd posed as throughout my time here, for it was the only way I could amuse myself whilst keeping myself locked away. Let's try to think back a bit, where did it start? Where did it... aha, shall we transition to a green text? We shall, we shall! I rarely green text, because I'm bad at it--however, I hope that these random chunks of my life will be of interest to anyone reading.

>Start of high school, Year 7. Must have been 13 at the time.
>Due to being in an advanced class, attended a transition session to get to know everyone
>First one to arrive, sat in corner drawing Sonic comics
>Second to arrive was this gorgeously beautiful girl
>Not the kind you see on TV, but the kind that was down to earth and wise looking
>From there, made fast friends with her, and got to know a few other people since they wanted to look at what I was drawing.
>Fast forward a few months into school and became part of a group of misfits, including girl.
>Let's refer to her as X for now.
>We go home by bus everyday, as she lives far from the school, while my home is conveniently near a bus station.

cont...

I'm 37.

I will turn 38 next year.

My wife wants to have a baby - she's a very attractive 32 year old Jewish woman.

I have a job - it pays about 80k a year, and I'll probably go up to 90k by the next financial year.

I hate my life. I just spent this Christmas alone, in my apartment, smoking weed and getting drunk. I don't know what I'm mean to do - I hate everything about my life - it's everything I never wanted it to be. Nothing that I wanted to be or do when I was a teenager ever came to fruition.

I understand that by normie standards I'm fine. But...I just have a complete empitness in my life. It's not even depression. I stopped being "depressed" when I was in my early 30's. Now it's just a constant state of tiredness and numbness.

What the fucking hell am I meant to do?
I've been listening to this a lot - youtube.com/watch?v=SzjERZU3wbY
I just want to get drunk and swim into the ocean and die. I like nothing about my existence, and I see no future...and I can't answer as to why it all ended up like this.

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you realized everything is fake and everything you've accomplished is artificial. the things you've done are only to please others and make yourself look good to them. you've become aware of how genuinely meaningless it is, and 20+ years of work and effort to get it is hitting you all at once.

user do you really feel nothing? how I envy you. I plan on sodoku as well but I need to wait a couple months until some important family events pass (birthdays, etc). even if my life has no meaning at this point my family has meaning so I have at least 3-4 months before I go, also will be trying uni for the first time maybe that will make me not so depressed

I manipulated a girl to like me but the second she says she has another guy friend I get fucking furious
I want to kill her and fuck her dead corpse

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Not quite. I never wanted to do any of the things I am currently doing. I just did them because I could see no way towards the life I wanted.

I never thought;
>Wow, I want to get married, get a stable job, and settle down
Which is why I'm so depressed and perplexed about how I managed to do exactly that. I mean, I'm now a walking cliche. The rapidly approaching middle aged guy who has a regular suburban life and wishes he was anywhere else.
youtube.com/watch?v=HddkucqSzSM

It's pathetic and now I hate myself even more for it.

And I feel so much guilt - I read posts on here, and there are so many people who want what I have and I have no gratitude for it at all. What am I even missing?

cont...

>Nearly everyday after school, I look forward to the bus ride home, because X is always there.
>Talk about a variety of interesting subjects and slowly learn about each other.
>To describe her briefly, she was the kind that was extremely thoughtful, evident by her daydreaming all the time.
>Every topic she brings up is unique and interesting--as if she intentionally avoids boring topics, which I admired.
>Probably helps that she read all the time too--the good kind of books.
>Suddenly, one day, has a more serious look on her face.
>Tells me about her baby sister.
>"Oh really? How old is she? What's she like?"
>"Actually, it was a miscarriage. It happened last year."
>"I remember that I didn't even cried when I heard the news. I just kept sitting there, and wanted to continue staying in school until the day was over."
>At this moment, realised something important:
>"God damn it, I want to make this girl happy."
>Really liked this girl, but didn't want to admit it.
Introducing a minor but important character: T
>T's a crazy asian guy with glasses--part of our group of misfits.
>A good friend of mine--would often sit next to the guy.
>Just for context, everyone in the friend group were pretty platonic--not the kind that had internal drama.
>However, small event happened in a school trip--irrelevant to everyone else, but concerning for me.
>Was a trip to the Victoria market. After main events, we were free to roam around and look at the stalls.
>We all walked around, but I eventually separated from everyone due to my own interests and such.
>On the way home, turns out everyone in the group also paired off into smaller groups to cover more ground.
>X and T were one of these pairs
>Feel a slight pang of jealousy, but brush it off like it's nothing
>-until I hear a friend from a few seats over whispering about them.
>"I heard they shared an ice cream together."

cont...

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cont...

>Froze in my fucking seat
>Huh? What? What does that? I-
>Kept silent for the rest of the trip. My good friend K, who was sitting next to me, was sleeping.
>Over the next few years, whilst talking to X, would always mull over recurring thoughts:
>Am I a boring person? Just a dreg? She's so interesting, yet she's talking to a guy like me--what the hell?
>Fast forward to year 9
>T is leaving for another school--he's going to some advanced school.
>At the end of year trip, gives each of us a handwritten letter in an envelope a la Anohana style
>Was pretty gay, but quite endearing. Remember my letter saying "You were pretty funny."
>However, after the end, X told me and others that he had written on her letter:
>"I like you in the way I want to marry you."
>She clarifies that she doesn't feel any affection towards him--a dark sense of relief courses through me.
>I personally find such a move endearing and almost inspiring.
>However, also realise that in the past 3 years of knowing her, have not made a single move.
>After self-analysis, realise that I am still a retarded beta orbiter.
>Felt stuck to the ground like a tree, didn't know how to move.
>Despite this, thought I had time to work things out.
>This would prove me oh so wrong in the next year.

should I continue? I'm sorry if I'm boring anyone with these.

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>HE WANTS YOUR CHOPS
Lmao, nice. Did you or caleb play brass?

When are you continuing this, OP? Don't quit on me.

its too late to stop now. I NEED CLOSURE GODAMMIT

I feel that I'm really pissed that I'm still alive. I wish I was dead. I can't do it myself though.

bumpkin bounce

Of course, she ends up dating Chad. You were her beta orbiter and emotional tampon from the start.

This was all pre-determined by physical appearance.

Yeah I played tuba and he played baritone

i'm going to be evicted for smoking in my apartment
it's too cold to go outside tho

I'm in a similar situation

U_u

I really can't wait for the next financial crash to happen, then hopefully it will lead to world war 3.
I want the world/society to crash and burn, please forgive me for being insane.

Literally everyone has wanted for everything to be over since forever
Don't worry dude, you're probably a lot saner than you think

I had my Grindr sissy come over after lunch to blow me and he scraped my cock with his teeth as I was cumming so the orgasm was ruined

So I guess you getting that boipucci pounded from behind is out of question?l

at this point I really don't care, I'm just autopiloting and smoke/drink a lot to make death come faster.

I like cumming in their boipussy, I just use their mouth to get hard but that's me.

You might as well Bug Chase then and have fun

Is this sissy a boiwife or a fling?

Na just a fuck toy to me I face fuck him and he leaves after my boiveries are empty

not a faggot so no.

do you know about MGTOW ?