This is a completely pointless post, but please read it and talk to me anyway

>be me
>live in some bumfuck nowhere in the Balkans
>mother had a one night stsnd with some tourist and got pregnant
>Catholic parents didn't let her abotr so she had to give birth to me
>shortly after she married an abusive asshole who'd threaten me witj a gun and beat me all the time
>ff to school
>everybody hatws me because of my nationality, religion and because I was poor, short, stupid and too quiet
>they had a game where they'd humiliate adn beat me until I start crying, and whoever makes ne cry wins
>school authorities, my parents, anuone didn't give a fuck
>mental health went to sh8t, had panic attacks, PTSD, depression and anxiety etcbbut never had the balls to kill myself and pussied out every time I tried
>move to another city whe nI was 16
>things actually start getting better, made some friends and even had a few girlrfiends in the followimg two years, but lost touch with most of them when college started because I was too busy wirh work + studying
>had multiple nervous breakdownd due to stress and decided to take a year off in college to get better
>nothing actually gets better
>can't stop thinking about all those years of beung treated like shit
>complete lack of accomplishments remibds me that there's a lot of truth to all the insults that were directwd towards me so far
>depression reached the point where it takes me hours just to force myaelf to get out of bed
>notjing distracts me from suicidal thhoughts anymore
>only feel relaxed when I'm drunk
I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to go back to college nexr year but I can barely funvtion. Lately I've been unable to focus, learn or do anyhting even remotely challenging. I'm constantly on the verge of suicide and thi k about it non-stop but I can't do it, and I'm lonely all the time but biterness prrvents ne from enjoying the company of people.

Sorry for blogposting, but I havr no one to talk to irl. Also sorry foe all the typos and grammaf errors, there are too many to correct

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where you in the balkans

>suicide
literally stupidest thing anyone can do, if want to die at least try to assassinate some politician, so others have some benefit from your death

>so others have some benefit from your death
I do't care about that just like no one care s about me

What are you going to do in college?

shut the fuck up, incel

if you gonna suicide atleast go out in a blaze

>What are you going to do in college?
Finish tge last two years, get a degree in the stem field tgat I couldn't care less abour and then wagecuck
At least that'swhat I'm supposed to do, in reality I don't know what to do
But literally why lol

have some fun
fuck the balkans

No, don't wanna make yhis place worse than it aleady is

Is the field you are going to work in really that depressing

>complete lack of accomplishments remibds me that there's a lot of truth to all the insults that were directwd towards me so far
That's a called a self-fulfilling prophecy: you're unsuccessful because of the abuse you received, not because you're actually lacking inherent value. You think those sociopathic little fucks had the ability to look at a person and determine their intelligence or worth? No one can do that, as those are things which develop over time and not fixed attributes. All they saw was someone different and their small, bigoted minds lashed out against him. Anyway, the bottom line is you desperately need mental health care: cognitive behavioral therapy would go a long way for you, I'm certain. I don't know what options are available to you where you live; it may be expensive, but there's no point in going back to school until you can function there.

yes, and way beyond mt abilities. I'm a literal moron, my iq is probably beloq 100, im barely managing to keep uo even i college

Also sorry for typos i'n drunk

do you know about libgen
you can get any book over there.

I feel you man. Seems that you have no clue what it means to live well and without fear. I think you ought to be on a journey to find your true personality that would have developed if you didn't have such a shitty beginning.
I'm from the balkans as well actually, and there's just something about alcohol that always makes me feel better. It's not a dependency, but it's certainly useful. I personally wouldn't feel too bad about getting drunk, just try and maximize your own personal happiness.
I think you're the foremost authority on your own destiny, don't be so harsh on yourself! There's always room to improve, you don't seem like you're burnt out of life yet, I would focus on your responsibility of taking care of yourself.
You're gonna die anyways, I don't see the reason to overcomplicate things with suicide.
Talk to yourself, see what you need, do what you gotta do in order to keep yourself sane.
Best of luck to you.

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>Anyway, the bottom line is you desperately need mental health care: cognitive behavioral therapy would go a long way for you, I'm certain. I
I was on vaious antodepressants over the last few years (Flunirin, Zoloft, Efectin ER, Anafranil and some shit like Rivotril (as a mood stabilizer) but none of it helped, and actualyl made things worse

Public healhtcare here is shit and psychiatrsts don't really want to talk to ypu and just prescribe you meds with awful side effects, and private psychiatrists are too expensive for me to afford

you speak english, i bet not every balkan can do that, so slow down on the self deprecation, fren

Thanks man, which part of balkans are uou from?

Bulgaria, but I moved to the states awhile ago

Imagine if you were a girl ...
Okay that sounds worse actually but heey you managed to get a job so cheers for you
Dont live in the past and just keep going and leave the alcohol it doesn't do good

Croatia reporting in, where you from OP?

You should listen to this user, OP. I think about some of the same shit and even though don't attend therapy, my methods of dealing with it are the closest to cognitive behavioral therapy.

You have to re-wire that doubt response in your conscience. Every time it flares up is the most important time to exit your comfort zone and change your actions for the better.

Serbia

Original comment, fucjing robot

You need to kill everyone involved in your childhood

living in this shithole and anong these 0eople is a worse punishment than death

Good point. At least go ruin their lives though. Burn down their stores/property, destroy cars, burn homes when they are not home etc etc. Make life even more hell for them.

Man up, pussy.
Orig1357

>private psychiatrists are too expensive for me to afford
More expensive than college? If it's really not an option, then there may be some online alternatives, like where you do it by email.