Fuck me

I've done it. I completely fucked up. She was the only woman that I loved and she is gone because I am a fucking idiot.

She was my childhood friend. We met eachother when we were 5, in kindergarten. Our mothers happened to also be friends in highschool so we quickly became friends. We became best friends and would reguraly play outside, you know riding bikes, tag, hide and seek. She was my most trusted friend. Highschool finally came and this is when it hit me.

This is the woman I love. This is the girl that was always by my side ever since I was young. This is the girl that wouldn't laugh at me when I fell off my bike. This is the girl that kissed me on the cheek because I retrieved her teddy bear from a tree branch.

But I couldn't voice those feelings or else I could have lost both my love and my friend.

Summer came. During school she was busy with some extracuricular activities and I was busy hanging out with my guys and we kinda lost touch, but during summer it was my opportunity to reconcile. We started going to the beach together, visited the old ice ream shop we used to love as kids, went on a stroll on the nearby village which we used to visit as kids because of a very picturesque lake, we even got to babysit together a kid.

And one day the unexpected happen. We were sitting near a campfire on the beach. She told me about her problems. Her fears of becoming an adult and all the associated responsibilities, the fear of having to be independent for the first time and most importantly the fear of me finding a girlfiend and forgetting about her. She made me tear up. I had no idea anyone ever felt this way about me.

It was midnight. We were hugging eachother, next to the campfire, sitting on the soft sand and looking at the calm waves hit the beach. There were plenty stars on the sky and the moon was shining bright.

>I love you user

My heart skipped.

>I am sorry that it took me so long to realize. Nobody has ever cared about me as much as you.

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>I love you user! I love so much that I want to die!

The feeling. Those words resonating within my mind.

>I love you!
>I love you!
>I love you!

I couldn't believe it. But it was true.

>I love you too

And on that day, 16 of July 2018, we shared our first kiss under the starry night.

Life was amazing after that. Movie dates, strolls on hte beach, kissing, cuddling and my favorotie of all holding her in my arms as we slept.

It was a normal weekday. Sumer weekdays don't really have anything important happening. Her parents were gone and so were mine. She invited me over to ther house.

>Hey user. Can we talk about something?
>Sure
>So you know that thing that couples do when they really love each other?
>Yeah
>I've been a bit curious about that. Do you think we should...?

No way she wants us to have sex.

>You mean you want us to...
>I am sure you probably have more experience than me at this subject...!
>Of course I don't I haven't been with a girl before.
>You haven't? Maybe then we could learn how to do this together.

There is no way words can ever explain the feeling. It was so awkard but it was like a dream. The warmth, the softness, the passion, masturbation was nowhere near the pleasue I felt that day.

Life was great. But life likes to play tricks.

Well? Don't leave me hanging here.

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Oh nvm, just saw the update.

I envy you, I always wanted something like that. So tell me, that old saying. It is better to have loved and forget than it is to never experience love something you would consider true. Is the hole in your heart bigger now that this love has left?

This actually means very little in the grand scheme and it actually makes me feel disgusting that you put so much emotional stock into this. Get over yourself or neck yourself; it's really not that difficult.

keep going, OP. I want to feel lonlely today

>16 of July 2018

>together 6 months
>break up
>oh noes my life is over

I remember being 15 too OP.

One day when we were casually talking I noticed scars on her hands.

>What are those?
>Nothing

She was cutting herself, no doubt. Eventuallly I got her to explain.

>I have severe depression user. I've always did. This is I am always sleepy and late. What is the pointing of sleeping and then waking up again just to feel pain. I am just a pain user. To you, to myself, to everyone else.

My heart stopped there is no way what she was saying was true. But it was. Every word. I was just too dumb to notice. I promised not to tell anyone and to help her any way I could do it.

But I didn't.

No. I didn't go on dates with ther because I was out hanging with my friends drinking beer. I didn't help her with her homework because I was too busy playing games. I couldn't even do the simple gesture of waiting for her to come to school together with me, even though I knew how much it meant to her.

One day she wasn't responding to my calls. I immediattely start to panic. I rush over to her house, open the main door with the spare key and enter her room.

She was haning form the ceiling. Her eyes dark, sunken, lifeless. Her skin grey ,pale. Her hands bloody.

She regretted it. She tried to save herslef. She wanted ot be with me one last time. She wanted to live one last time.

I threw up. I couldn't even bring myslef to read the letter she left.

I called the police and now I am sitting at my home.

My life wasn't more worthy than hers. She never deserved this fate. But no I wanted to be a chad. I wanted to live my years of freedom to the fullest. And now I am paying the price.

She was the only one that I ever truly loved. Nobody will ever fill hte gap in my heart and I will forever know that her blood is in my hands.

I can not breathe because of the guilt. Everytime to sleep I remember her cold lifeless tare and imagine her screaming.

>WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE ME user?!?

But I have decided that I need to be strong one alst time, for her. Tommorow I am going to jump off a bridge in my hometown.

Nicky, if you can see me right now, you will no longer be alone. I am coming!