Anything you'd like to get off your chest? Anything, anything at all? I will listen to all your troubles

I feel guilty for how I treat my dad, but I also know I could easily justify it.
I see so much of myself in him. I think he loves the way I do, which is to obsess and become jealous and angry, and I think I ruined relationships in imitation of him.
He used to beat the shit out of me as a kid and abuse me verbally and mentally. He beat me into the floor. He beat me while I was on the floor. He beat me when I pissed my pants on the floor. He beat me with my sisters watching. He picked me up by my hair and hit me in the face. He threatened to knock "every last tooth out of your skull." He threatened to punch me until I bled. He beat me with a belt for spilling Gatorade. He slapped me for staring into space. He struck me for crying. He throttled me and beat me against the wall. He gave me a black eye and bruises. Hr threatened to beat me harder every day and told me I must love it or I wouldn't keep choosing to make him angry, that it was my choice and that I must enjoy being hurt so how dare I cry. He said if I ever called the police he'd make sure I could never call them again when he got me back. He would threaten to burn everything I owned and screamed at me and tore up my homework and made me start over if I made a mistake, even if I was 30 questions in.

I feel the same way too. I think when I was really young I might've believed a bit, but nowadays I dont believe at all. The thing is I want to believe, but I can't. If I could believe then I would want to be baptized, preach, etc. I'd be accepted as a member of the congregation. But sadly thats not the case. I tried to fake it to make it for a while. Didn't work.

He thought he could pull that shit again when I was an adult. I even told him to let go immediately and gave him a goid few seconds to do it.
I beat him within an inch of his life. I headbutted him in the face. I punched him over and over. I beat him against the wall. I put my thumbs in his eyes. I clawed his face and ripped at his ears. I beat him on the floor. I rained one fist onto his face again and again and again and again and again and it will never be enough.
I made him beg. I spat on him. I spat on him because he said it was the thing he hated most in the entire world and it was the most disrespectful thing you could do to him and he would kill you if you spat on him. It was a challenge. I made him beg like a dog. And I was holding back. I opened his ear and screamed every evil thing he said while beating me back at him. The neighbors heard. I made him get on all fours and beg.
I hate that I hate him.

Tbh I feel pretty bad for you for having all that responsibility stuff to go along with it though. As it is I'm planning on faking it til I die or magically start believing or something, but that'll be a lot harder for you.

I ghosted him when he said he was dying of cancer. I ignored his calls and took his money. I didn't even read the cards he sent me. I just took the cash and rolled each card into roaches for my spliffs. Tore them all up.
I've been letting him hug me less. He doesn't come by much anymore. I consciously let myself be short with him and not even look at him. He made the trip out here and I said hi, got my car keys and my hoodie, and just left to go about my day.
I remember dancing in the kitchen with him. I remember him taking me to the same diner to play hooky with him. I remember dancing and singing in the car with him. I remember him reading to me and playing with me and singing to me. I remember how he taught me to cook spaghetti and how me made me lunches from home. He made grilled cheeses with a Mickey Mouse waffle iron. I remember his scent and our in-jokes.
I love him. But I have essentially disowned him as my father, and I worry about having kids because I don't want him to ever hold grandchildren in his murderous arms.

Yeah so far there's only 3 ways I see this ending in. One is I fake it until I'm baptized, then my entire life falls apart as the lies begin to unravel. The second one is the one I'm currently planning. I'm going to apply to a bunch of jobs, learn how to do taxes,etc. Pretty much learn how to be an adult on my own, and then move out while slowly ghosting the congregation. And the third way I see this ending, is something drastic happening in my life. I'm praying to God (kek) my original plan works. Crikey My power is out.

Holy shit user if that's true I don't really know how to respond to that.

If you need to move away fast, you could always try getting a job doing something hard that covers all expenses like deep sea fishing or working on an oil rig.

My home life is going terribly, an uncle I was close to died in front of me, and the one I fell in love with doesn't like me back. Help

dont think I'm qualified for that kind of stuff. If I was I would. I think the subtle approach is the best way out for me. If my family finds out I want out, my mother will guilt trip me, threaten me, etc to stay in. Or maybe not, but I sure as Hell won't try to find out the hard way

yeah your mom is fat retard plz kys

Idk about qualifications for those kinda jobs desu. I know a guy that worked deep sea fishing boat and all he had was being physically fit and willing to work hard.

>Home life
>One I fell in love with
Those two aren't connected, are they?

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Well it's an entertaining thought, but I'm not a Forrest Gump. I'm just your average skinny dude.

Made my cheating ex break up with her long term bf by telling her I'd be with her. It was all fun and games at first, just something to do when I wasn't doing anything else. Now that she has actually done it though I feel really guilty. I'm not exactly sure on what to do at this point. As silly as it sounds revenge is basically mine but it's not as sweet as I imagined.

I am sort of wondering if I should try poppers or nitrous oxide.
Not gay/doing butt stuff, or into partying or anything like that. Just curious and it seems low risk and very short lasting.

I have never done anything not perscibed by a doctor beside a very occasional caffeinated beverage. It is just that I sometimes feel like I want to take a break from being so rational and up tight all the time. Sometimes I want to just turn it off for 5 minutes and actually relax without having to mentally pick at everything.

I know it is probably a bad idea, but I can't actually discus it with anyone irl because they are super bias one way or the other (already drug users, or very religious).
I just need a second opinion or preferably the direct input of someone who has done ether/both.

I'm just venting.
I genuinely do feel guilty for being so cruel, and I would like to have a good relationship with him. He and I get each other on a level that nobody else does. But I don't think I'll ever trust him again. Just him laying hands on me again, having the gall to do that to a grown man, ripped off an old, old scar and now the wound is fresh as hell again.
I would have been fine with bottling it up forever for his sake. All he had to do was never lay hands on me again. I don't know what made him think he could still treat me like that.
I won't deny that I'm still afraid of him, but I'm frankly past pretending I'm not and everything is fine.
He's also a tremendous liar. I won't pretend that I see through his lies, but I'm at the point where I acknowledge he could be lying about anything.
I made a vow when I was 8 years old to never hit my kids, and I will keep it.

I currently don't see much point in going on. I don't want to kill myself, just to be clear. But the last two years i completed an apprienticeship in a trade i cared for, but i ended up ultimetaley in a shit position: the place i learned at was shit so i learned shit all. My first job (ever!) lasted 2 months. My boss never gave it any thought what it means to hire a noob or hire anybody at all. I was his first and only employee and he fucked up royally, making me nervous and shit. Bla bla.

Currently I'm deciding if i want to get my masters certificate to be a master of my trade, so i have better chances to get a job and in later in another workplace. But the reality in my trade is harsh and tiresome.

My mother can't get over the fact that my older half brother died because he fucked up. Shes complaining all the time and just does nothing all day at home (i still live with her because of financial reasons) and cant relax anywhere anymore. I try to support her, but it doesn't work. She lost the will.

And I'm faced with the fact that either you have the money to enjoy things in life but don't have the time to do so. Or you have no money to enjoy most things but the time to do so. And no matter what i do, i will be waging for others. And even when i open up my own shop it will be more work and even less time to enjoy things without the benefit of security.

And then you stumble through life, trying to make the right choices. So either i work in an industry where they only want very experiences workers even when there are very few left of us, or i bust my ass to go to university where students sit on the stairs because there is so little space for additional pupils so i have a TINY chance to earn more or to even get a job where I learned more than ever, but do less than ever in an office.

I don't know what to do, honestly.

I guess I'll just vent, I don't know. Been feeling different lately. I got pretty bad news late last year, a real grim prognosis, but as time goes on I'm getting less worked up about it. Symptoms are worse and I'm able to do less but I feel better about it. I can't explain it. Maybe I'm losing my mind.

About halfway through my first year of (community) collage at the moment, and learned a few days ago that my parents got a divorce, and didn't want to do it earlier so I wouldn't feel stressed in my last year of high school. Can't tell if what they did for me was good or bad, and am pretty lost right now.

Wow, this is an incredibly sad story. I'm really sorry to hear all that and glad he can't abuse you any more. You shouldn't feel guilty because he deserves it, but I'm sure you can't help feeling sad that you can't have a good relationship with him because of what he did.

I'm so fucken tired