A hard time, a hard time indeed

I've thought about it but I'd rather talk to someone who is actually concerned about me and has an interest in my lifestyle. Psychiatrists go through hundreds of people each week and it's just their job. It makes it a lot less personal.

When I need something to occupy my mind I always watch science based stuff on youtube.
No bullshit. No feelings. Just the stuff that only needs to be understood.

You probably go through the public system go private and you'll be surprised how much they can help. You'll get on the right meds and they'll give you options to seek better treatment

Are you a UK boy? If so how much roughly is private treatment?

I used to be really into science when I was a kid. I've gone through phases of watching documentaries about the Roman empire as well.

Wow that's really sad about your family, buddy. I've only ever lost my mother and my sister. The others such as my half-brother and my father I don't really bother with. I guess the problem with having a big family is you lose more people that are close to you.

I have a round face so i think a buzzcut would just make my face appear rounder.

And yeah the way she broke up with me n shit was kind of a bitch move but she's still someone I have feelings for. I get attached easily to people. And I live in a small area of the west Midlands where everyone knows everyone so all the girls are friends with each other n shit.

For me its also that everyone else lost somebody. In that timespan my Uncle lost his wife, parents.

And Sister.(My mom)

So you don't see it from the perspective that you lost someone but that someone else lost someone close to them?

How come you perceive loss like that? I always see it like I've lost my mum, my sister. Etc. I never really pick up on how others have lost someone.

I lost my best friend to cancer when I was really young. I was already disturbed because they pumped me full of drugs, as I had a psychological problems from fetal alcy exposure. I was totally confused as a child, about everything. So after losing a friend, while pumped to the brim with emotion alterers, ADHD suppressors. Sleep medicines for insomnia. I was totally fried. Whenever people cried around me though, I could connect with them. Empathize. I was coming out of being on those drugs when all this started. Back then I decided they weren't helping and I needed to figure stuff out for myself. Molestation as a child also contributed to the confusion, but honestly unlike what the psychologists said was real. It wasn't a big issue to me. So I could hardly feel for myself, or know how I felt about things. Chemical repression, became personal repression. I still loved my family though, so I become hurt when they were. I didn't like seeing them cry.

My mom was different though. Because I had to take her pulse. She had died asleep at home, my younger brother was telling me she wouldn't wake up. I really cared then, and the weight of 16+ years of disturbed came crashing down in that moment. As a proof though, my only thoughts were, I need to get a job to support my brothers and she's dead. I hadn't even thought about my dad taking care of us yet.

It's almost impossible for me to care about my own loss. I couldn't tell you why. I just know that I love my family while they are alive. My Mom is truly the only person that I miss, for myself.