Anyone relate to this feel?

I don't know which of my thoughts are genuine and which aren't. Everything I do is entirely informed by how I want to be perceived by others and by how I want to be perceived by myself. Nothing I do is truly genuine. After 3 (three!!!) years of constantly telling myself I might be depressed I still haven't sought out help and I never will, because I can't truly know if what I'm feeling is genuine and worth treating. I want some there to be somebody who will diagnose me with something, anything, be it depression, autism, a personality disorder or whatever, because I feel it can give me something with which I can make sense of myself and also a convenient excuse for why I'm such a loser who doesn't even fit in with other losers. Some kind of identity at least.

Even what I'm writing is written with the intention of being perceived in a certain way. I completely lost myself in some weird thought loop where all I do is pretentious in the truest meaning of the word, and that realization itself is pretentious and so forth. Even if I went into therapy after all, all I would do is construct a sort of strawman for the therapist to talk to, but it would never be the real me, because I kinda feel like there is no real me.

I don't even know if what I write makes sense, but I can't be bothered to go into more detail (too drunk, lol) either.

How do I break out of this?

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Suicide was always a good option for people like us.

user this is probably some attention whoring shit but if it's really bad take mdma.

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Yeah, I keep thinking about it. I think I genuinely would actually go for it, but I was blessed with extremely caring parents at least and as cliche as it is, I can't do it because of them.
But this is a good of how I try to paint myself as something I'm not. I make this really "woe-is-me" kinda depression post, while in reality I have it so easy.

It is, but I also genuinely want to know if others feel this way as well. If I can find somebody who sells me mdma I might try it, but if I'll still have that resolve sober

fuck it, im an attention whoring fag, bump this

One final bump and then I'll fuck off I swear

This happens to me too
>thought about killing myself a lot
>have a military inspection
>psych test
>Have you ever wanted to kill yourself user or do you want to do it now?
>Nah, why would I do something like that, I have friends, they would be sad.

Got the maximum score because of lying

>mfw

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Maximum score as in best possible mental stability? I know what you mean though to a degree, I went to the hospital because of a cut once (pretty faggy, I know) and they offered me help, but I just noped the fuck out

>Everything I do is entirely informed by how I want to be perceived by others and by how I want to be perceived by myself
Why do you want to be seen a certain way? How do you want to be seen by other people? Who do you want to see you that way? How did it become like this?

Everything you do is genuine, you just need to dig into those questions for the real answers. Seems to me you're just stuck at the surface of the issue with no care for the roots

Yeah, like that. I just picked the best possible answers, they were pretty obvious and they cant do anything. Nobody knows, as long as you dont tell anyone, user.

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I don't know how to get to the roots. I wouldn't know where to start to be honest. I think to a degree it's just loneliness and wanting to be cared for though

>inb4 it's because you on that damn phone

But seriously, you have constructed a behavioral mindset of appealing to others because that's just what you expose yourself to all day long. Jow Forums, Twitter, Reddit, you're consuming the volatile and vapid opinions of strangers all day, and you develop patterns of thinking to fit into the sort of collective behavior and personality of each medium, and you don't give yourself the opportunity to think for yourself. Once you separate yourself from the constant exposure to what other people say, do, believe, desire, and expect, only then you can truly begin to discover what YOU and ONLY you want from life and from yourself. Drugs aren't a bad idea! Because they put you in an individual state of deep reflection and emotional vulnerability that might be a perfect catalyst to exploring and discovering yourself ... even weed can help if you do a lot of it in an environment where you can avoid looking at media. I strongly encourage you to surround yourself with trees and reflect on your environment more. Try reading old books (but if that's too hard, don't push yourself). There's an epidemic of thinking the way you described... you can rise above it.

Holy shit, this does make a lot of sense. I thought about this, how the internet forces you into a certain mindset of categorizing everything and everyone that can be deeply poisonous, but you put it into words much clearer than I could have.

Genuine thoughts come from your own joy. Everything else is imported. I find that people enjoy something but then thoughts come flooding in to them about why they're not allowed to enjoy it. They find reasons to suffer it instead because of what other people said to them, when they would've been completely happy on their own if they hadn't listened. After some time they become so habituated to living their lives in fear of other people's thoughts that they forget their own joy. I don't know what will help you in particular but it's important to find ways to overcome fear and anxiety and go back to doing things you did in more joyful times of your life, even if it's just a video game or something you really liked.

Yeah I thought I was alone in this to be honest. Feels like I don't have my own personality but just a persona sculpted to present me in a certain way. Pretty depressing tbqh.

I don't know, I find it hard to experience pleasure in general, although sometimes it does stem from being afraid of being judged.
Feeling like you have no personality describes it pretty well.

That's not unusual though

me pretty much having no personality rlly makes you to boring to even make online friends or any friends at all, it rlly sucks user

>construct a sort of strawman for the therapist to talk to, but it would never be the real me, because i feel like there is no real me
This is 100% what I do in therapy. I have been seeing therapists since I was 11 years, forced to by the school system, and every single one of them, I had no ability to present who I am. I have to take aspects of myself, the mildly troubling ones but not the deepest issues, and piece them together with "whimsical" or palatable features so they don't immediately throw me in prison and lock me up. Everything I do is a huge fucking lie in front of people and I've come to isolate myself in my house with my mom because I can't stand spending every waking hour being a fake person. The problem with isolating is I have realized in my own time how there is nothing unique about me. Everything is "borrowed" from somewhere; it's only a matter of tracing back when I picked it up. I'm starting to believe that I'm just a computer of sorts, gathering data and sorting it into compartments that are like a dress-up simulator for Newgrounds. Without the "clothes", totally naked, I simply don't exist. There is nothing there but a barren framework for taking in information.

The strangest thing is how when I'm perfectly comfortable, to be my "true" self, which can only happen in front of my mom and no one else, I start doing really weird cringy autistic shit that I have to stifle day to day. Things like hand flapping, making weird noises, and being annoying like breathing in my mom's face and spinning her in her chair. Here's the catch: I'm not autistic and this does NOT come naturally to me.

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I remember when I was in 1st grade, two autistic kids were put in our classroom who did things like I talked about (also another in 6th grade). I was a normal kid before but I came home after meeting them and started mimicking their behavior and it became ingrained. Then, I buried that behavior as I grew older and added new, extra layers of complexity on top. Layers are phases, like the comedian phase, the sad phase, the anger phase, etc.

I started questioning who I am and I realized not once in my entire life have I ever been genuine. Young children often copy things they see on TV and whatnot. I did that but never stopped. I listened to sad love songs from the 60s when I was only 6 and they "made me" sad because I didn't have someone to love romantically. My friend got bullied in 6th grade and wanted to shoot up the school and I sort of molded myself to his personality and got in trouble planning to help him. I had to force myself to like WoW because I wanted to be like the guy in the South Park episode. Another example? I change the way I laugh based off of what actor I've watched in a movie or people in the group therapy I used to go to.

I make people comfortable and open up by copying their mannerisms and agreeing with them 90% (not 100 or you'll seem fake). I do this automatically, no control. The problem is I sacrifice the lower level of "self" that I am suppressing. It leads to cognitive dissonance, having conflicting beliefs and actions. So I stop socializing because it is utterly exhausting and painful. Like I've already said a bunch, even if I go home and contemplate and discover who I am by removing myself from media, it only awakens deeper levels of mimicry and masks that have been buried for years. I don't think I'll ever discover who I am deep inside because there is nothing there to find. Just fundamentals, algorithms that take sensory input and build a character based off of fabricated parameters.

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