I just...I can't be an atheist. I'm not mentally strong enough to internalize the idea that this is all there is...

Quantum mechanics prove the probabilistic nature of the world.

I don't value anything anymore. I've never been particularly materialistic, but I want absolutely nothing.
All I want is to feel OK. For 10 minutes, even. To not feel like I am being slowly crushed to death.
Otherwise, I have no values.

I'm so tired of being alive. I'm exhausted.

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Then might as well add some values. For example you must already value life, but to a lower degree then most people, else you would have an heroed long ago.

There is no God or heaven, but there are devils, and there certainly is hell.

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Also, what would make you feel ok? A relationship? A hug? Someone to talk to? Ask yourself what would make you feel ok. Distract yourself with questions.

I'm not religious but I worship my meaningless fleeting animal fear and embrace my inevitable decay and the decay of all things. I accept with open arms all manners of ugliness, disgust, rot and absurdity. The godlessness of rot is everything and nothing, it is freedom, it cares not for you or me. Time is my chosen tool to forge my path, the small moments that never last are proof that I exist. Death is my friend. Death is sensible for humans, galaxies and gods. Sadness is natural, do not cower, feel. I am retard fuck head trash man god mind and I am here for it, I have died and lived a thousand times and I hope I laugh a lot this time before my head is sent flying by a drunk driver named Klongusdoodle Buckzorgus in 2057.

Didn't know I was dealing with a schizo.

Nothing helps. Physical contact only makes things far worse. It's been years since I've touched a person, months since I've left my apartment. My head is full of fire. Talking is exhausting.

Can't delude yourself into being stupid. Unless you huff paint. Have you tried huffing paint?

That guy isn't me. I have no idea what he's trying to say.

If nothing helps you aren't thinking hard enough. You need to agonize over a single question and come up with as many potential answers as possible and brute force it until you find a solution.

There is no future for me.

As an addendum, give yourself a small purpose and goal, no matter how arbitrary and execute it like machine/computer. For example the reason people like working out in real life, is because gaining strength is like making numbers go up in an rpg, it's satisfying.

No future. No future. No future.

I could be schizo and I wouldn't give a dog's dick because I am in the pursuit of my own esoteric happiness. I won't ever be enslaved for longer than is useful for reflection and perspective, self-loathing is a domesticated thought process and those jarring self-pity brigade slogans and labels are for slaves.

Each leg weighs half a ton. There is something sitting on my chest. My bed is quicksand. I don't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning. I don't remember much of anything. It's all gray. It's all just watching paint dry. I am in pain. I am being erased. I don't know where I am. I can feel how much everyone hates me. I am in limbo.

That and your iq isn't low enough to not believe in the supernatural and simultaneously that universe came from nothing.

A tip in your soul searching: Character is everything. People who are wrong will be unpleasant, and people who are right will be pleasant. It's not a coincident that most atheists are either miserable, obnoxious, lacking in manners/respect, insatiable, arrogant, or selfish. They really do behave like a wretched people. And the religious (genuinely pious, not a hypocritical, mean evangelical) are good natured, selfless, empathetic, respectful, modest. Falsehoods drive us insane, the truth enlightens and humbles. If you want to know where the truth is, look for good character.

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Dead-end. Dead-end. Dead-end. Dead-end. Dead-end.

>esotericism
>esoteric happiness
This is vague, explain.

You need to realize that truth cannot exist with certain values and axioms. Without those beliefs, those assumptions, those axioms, a person cannot truly believe that those things you listed were either good or bad.

When I look at the sky, it is black.

...well...it is night my man...unles you're on another continent.

Human perception renders absolute truth impossible. Don't assume we know anything for certain

No, it's impossibly black. No stars. No moon. Not dark blue. Just black.

This is fine.
Personally I think that people can cope with the horrific nature of existence with religion if it's what helps them deal.

Just don't go killing in the name of "god" Please.

Black is simply absence of light, you see nothing because there is no light bouncing off your retinas.

Hell is in the mind, user.

Absolute truth can't exist unless applied to reality.

Jesus fuck imagine being THIS delusional.

The sky shouldn't be black 24/7.
I'm not speaking in a literal sense.

What you refer to is low IQ atheism. Eternal Recurrence is atheistic but uses logic to show that eternal life is still possible.
Having said that, I'm not an atheist, but I do tend to branch out my thinking in the event that I may be wrong. At the very least, if I am wrong, then I know that I will not simply cease to exist. I just won't know that when it happens.

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Isn't this just simply asserting that abstracta can exist?

I don't think I understand what you mean. What does a furniture style have to do with existence?

I don't like the idea that some cosmic couch potato created me to be his errand boy/cheerleader.

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God is real all right and he's a monster
youtube.com/watch?v=IJ5DWUu-MlE
to many things can't be coisedecnes that's why there has to be someone pulling strings and laughing because it's a game to them and they are a sadis

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>I just...I can't be an atheist. I'm not mentally strong enough to internalize the idea that this is all there is. I can't believe that this is it. It can't just be suffering followed by sudden non-existence. I refuse to believe it. Life can't be this shitty purely by coincidence.
I advise picking up some Nietzsche. Focusing on the matters of the afterlife is a meme, it's a weak distraction from your unsatisfactory life to make you feel better by relying on the illusion that things will get magically better by somebody else's (God's) agency instead of yours. In the absence of God, we are responsible for shaping our goals and values, and our only constant is life itself. Our core goal above all should be to love life, preserve it and make it flourish so we can reach even further levels of understanding.
>This has to be a test. There has to be a loving creator waiting for me at the end of it all.
This is your brain on cop out mode. You have no evidence of this and yet you've already decided what awaits you. Yet in the grand scheme of things, you are but a mere worm; what say do you have on the matters of afterlife? Do you think you decide where you go after you die? Nature isn't kind to us even in much simpler questions.

Meaning is a sweater you'll have to knit yourself, buddy.
There is no grand scheme. No grand creator. Only our life, those we bond with, those we live with.

This guy may or may not be schizo but he's on to something. Life's ugliness is also beautiful in a way - it is affirming.