You only have one birthday, all the others are anniversaries

You only have one birthday, all the others are anniversaries.

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Want a lifelong career? Go into the funeral business. People are dying to help you succeed.

Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs.

The exact moment the robot revolution/apocalypse begins, will be when the first robot says “No.”

Scissors are two knives that cooperate with each other.

If you managed to draw a penis on a vampires forehead, he would never be able to see it.

Shoutout to the caveman who found out which plants and foods were poisonous.

The lobsters on board the Titanic sure caught a lucky break.

Dogs hear us talk all day, but if they bark for more than a minute we tell them to stop it.

I have to pee but I don't want to get out of the shower yet.

We trust people with sloppiest handwriting to perform highly precise life-threatening surgical procedures.

The day Chuck Norris dies will be a cluster-fuck day for the Internet

You can learn anything from a book besides how to read a book

Gorillas see humans as humans see aliens. More intelligent, skinnier, and less hair.

There’re more spices on a single Dorito than a medieval peasant would have had in their entire life

If you are “the shit” it’s good. If you are just “a piece of shit” it’s bad. If you collect all the pieces into a bag it’s “a sack of shit” and still bad. Piles of shit are bad. Only having all of your shit together at once, never piecing it out, is a good thing.

A bullet does its job after it’s fired

At the cosmic scale, liquid water is rarer than gold

The equipment left in space (satellites etc) are going to really freak future civilisations out after humans are gone.

“Don’t touch this” must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

Battle Royale games are currently in a Battle Royale of their own.

if Canadians talked to themselves in the shower they would likely drown

Going to sharpen your pencil was the child version of taking a cigarette break.

A dog living in Denmark understands danish more then you

7-Eleven is lucky that 9/11 didn’t happen in July.

“Sorry we’re clothed” would make a pretty good closed sign at a strip club.

Lots of parents care more about their children’s grades, more than if they’re actually learning.

Drinking with straws at restaurants is normal but drinking with straws at home is weird

When you’re driving your car and an insect gets in, you’re taking it to a faraway land where it’ll never see it’s friends or family again.

We’re in the safest, cleanest, healthiest, easiest era. But some adults still missed the old days when things were worse.

It is possible that in 1000 years from now, a college student in a future civilization will be stressing out over an exam about Memes and other social media lingo of the 21st century.

If you’re accused of being argumentative and defensive, it’s impossible to debate it.

A person who admits they compulsively lie is not lying.

While *What’s up?* is a salute, *What’s down?* is a question about malfuctions, *What’s right?* about morality and *What’s left?* about supplies.

The winner in golf is the person who plays the least golf.

Australia is the biggest social experiment ever conducted on earth

Human Beings find “peace” in Nature, where animals are literally always killing each other

Moms spend half of our lives trying to keep us from having sex and the other half trying to get us to give her grandkids.

It’s 20x easier to tell if someone likes you when you don’t like them back.

Dogs literally wanna eat pussy and fuck bitches.

If you sat on a voodoo doll of yourself you wouldn’t be able to get up

“Just do what makes you happy” is good advice unless you’re an alcoholic. Then you’re supposed to do what makes everyone else happy.

Beer is a good friend. We both get drunk at the same time.

“Fake it till you make it” directly applies to sleeping

The war in Iraq has been going on for 17 years. In a couple of years, there will be people who weren’t born when the towers came down that will be deployed in Iraq.

Some of us are still “it” from when we played tag as a child

A snobbish criminal going down stairs is a condescending con descending.

The person who coined the term coined the term coined the term coined the term.

The one thing Q-Tips tells us not to do is the only thing we use Q-Tips for.

The greatest gift ever would be to no longer grow tired of things. You could keep on having your favorite foods, listening to the same music, laughing at the same jokes, and just keep doing your favorite activities while still enjoying them just as much as you did the first time.

The urge to pee gets much stronger while you’re trying to get your key in the door.

There’s probably millions of $ worth of iTunes currency on all accounts combined that nobody uses because it’s too small to make a purchase

A well done steak isn’t done very well.

Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a sick person at the hospital.

Mankind is the cancer of the Earth. It’s a tissue that has stopped being part of the ecosystem. It is now spreading uncontrollably, consuming resources, and killing the organism.

In the time since we discovered Pluto, it’s only gone a third of the way around the sun.

“There are plenty of fish in the sea” won’t be a saying in the near future.

If you won the award of the first man to break two world records, that would make it 3 awards, and you win the award of first man to break 3 records, now you have infinite awards

wrong
emotions are a human thing and to assume all intelligent life would have emotions is WRONG

If you lend someone $20 and never hear from them again it was probably worth it.

Aztec priests were probably really embarrassed the day after they stopped committing human sacrifice, and the sun still rose

Desserts is the reverse spelling of Stressed

We squint at the sun because it is bright, We squint at people because they are not.

The only thing that a flat earther fears is sphere itself.

Because of humanity’s global communication, we’ll probably be the first species on earth to be actively aware that we’re going extinct

Once humanity colonize other planets, measuring time will be really confusing.

In a few decades, nursing homes will be filled with old people playing video games.

A Birthday party is basically a celebration that you didn’t die.

Elementary and middle school graduation ceremonies are the education system’s version of “Thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle!”

There could be a species on earth that is so good at camouflage that we don’t even know it exists

Singing happy birthday and cutting the cake is pretty similar to a satanic ritual. A gathering of people huddle around an object that is on fire, chant a repetitive song in unison then blow the fire out and stab the object. This “ceremony” represents another year closer to inevitable death.

If an egg is broken by an outside force, life ends. If an egg is broken by an inside force, life begins.

what the fr*ck

If you clean up a mess after an ant has already left to report back to his colony you’re essentially making him look like a liar

“Salad Dressing” sounds a lot more elegant than “Lettuce Sauce”.

Walking out and smelling someone barbecuing is the same feeling sharks get when smelling blood in the water

Airline food - what is the deal with that? Am I right?

You’ve probably been inside your mother for longer than your father has.

MIssing socks in the laundry - what is the deal with that? Am I right?

When flies barely avoid getting swatted by us humans, they probably think they jus pulled the coolest shit and brag about it for the next two days before they die of old age

Whether or not it’s opposite day, the statement “It’s not opposite day” will always be true.

What do we call them when they're not flying? Walks? Am I right or what?

If you want to see a scatter plot of how patient people are, look at where they stand next to the baggage carousel.

good one jerry

Why do we say "black people"? They're not black and they're not people am I right about this one or what do you think I'm right. Right?

The first kid to lose an eye running with scissors ruined it for the rest of us.

China excels in so many sports and has 1.4 Billion people and yet cannot assemble a team that qualifies for the world cup.

I'm here all weekend try the souvlaki it's fantastic

What did moths do before man invented lightbulbs

We get off the couch and stop eating junk food so we can be hot and find a partner with who we can sit on the couch and eat junk food with.

ID COCKS GET

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Somewhere out there a prostitute is living a life of greater financial comfort, luxury, and leisure than you.

If someone is born at 23:00 and someone else is born in different time zone (+2 hours= 01:00) at exactly the same time, they celebrate birthday on different day, even though those two persons are exactly same age.

Your belly button is just your old mouth.

bsaed

It would be so weird to see a comma in a years date (2,018)

A woman watching a movie with a box of tissues has very different connotations than a man watching a movie with a box of tissues

Atoms are the pixels of real life.

When you’re seriously ill, you go to a building full of sick people to get well.

It’s weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which we decide whether or not to lick the area a person pees from

Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.