ITT: Bant crews a spaceship 2: Retarded Boogaloo

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*fades into the kitchen*

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmememmmm....


Make a food pink skin.

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Get off my ship ayy

Hey someone spilled chicken nuggets down the 6E control panel in Sector-9 and now all the wiring down there has to be replaced. Who did it? I gotta go in there and replace 600ft of wire and shutdown multiple systems to fix this shit including life support.
Come forward asshole.

we had a janitor. i wonder if he's dead

*sticks to the ceiling*

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh hmmmmmmmm

no, dumb hoe

Fuck i forgot pic

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*rips wires by the handful out of the wall while the lights flicker*
Well I did find a charred body in steerage. Right about where you like to drink captain. Mind explaining why I had to replace 3 circuit boards and 200ft of wire because of a dead body?

::[the emergency jump has delt significant damage to this vessels hull and we currently have a catastrophic fuel leak. Interstellar travel is currently impossible, however the low impulse thrusters are still functioning.]

*you can see a large amount of glowing purple liquid flowing out of the ship. Imagine a oil spill in space*

Is the Ship AI back online yet? Vic never got up here with that flex tape, I've been stemming the fuel leaks where I can, but it doesn't look great.

le alien has boarded your ship

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*sparks fly out of the speakers*

well Head Engineer, we're in space. its a fantastical place where anything can happen. I dont think anyone can answer that question.
if i actually had security officers you'd be voided right now

::[two XENOS detected on board the ship. Caution is advised]

Remember you are in the green realm senpai. What brings you to our nebula? cunt...

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*sighs*

Captain, do we have eyes on any planets nearby? We won't be able to do much about that fuel leak until were on the ground.

AI give me a chart on the nearest planets with resources
our ship made an emergency FTL jump after being attacked by a Jow Forums ship. we require supplies to repair our vessal

::[we are currently orbiting over an earth sized planet with a complex biosphere. The atmosphere has been recorded as breathable. A landing sites has been detected.]

i want all observations we can get. What lifeforms are there, toxicity levels, radiation, weather, whatever we can get

Why dont you just fade to the supplies?

.... don't kick me in the balls and tell me my underwear is too tight captain. Look you gotta stop dumping your dead hookers in the panels. I've told you it *pulls fried circuit panel with a finger attached to it out of the wall*... fucks with the electronics. Shoot them out the airlock next time.

Find any flex tape rolling around in there? That janitor sonuvabitch never made it down here.

ok fine just dont report this to PR please

::[A species of flying Myliobatiformes has been detected flying in the atmosphere averaging at about 5m long as well as a species of multi coloured eight legged horses around the landing sites. Toxicity levels show a large about of airborne narcotics in the planets atmosphere, however it seems to be able to support human life. Radiation is mostly absorbed but the planets magnetic field and the weather seems to be akin to that found on earth.]

BLLLURFFF BLLLPPFF BLPFF BIILFFLFFF BLALLALFIFIFIFIF

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::[instead of supplying the ship with the recommended graphite patches and other repair materials the captain has instead purchased 5 tons of flex tape. This can be found in the cargo hold.]

why the fuck is there a retarded little girl on my ship? Who smuggled her in. Raise your hand now or im going to revoke rum privilages for everyone here.
lets make a landing on the planet.

it was cheaper okay?

Im sorry is my daughteridoo. Also take that back or else im taking your food supply

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discord.
gg/X5pRy

kot

Get that shit outta here, we all know discord is for porn and video game generals
::[LANDING PROTOCOL INITIALISED]

*has been sleeping in his quarters all day

*wake up alarm has been going off all morning*

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED AND HELP REPAIR THE SHIP
ok boys who wants to explore this planet. i think its undiscovered and might even be colonizable. we should be able to get some money if we get back for this discovery. not too many earth like planets after all
how is that your daughter? she looks terran if a bit weird

Okay, okay just let have a coffee first. Sheesh.

I'll start packing, what should we bring captain?

*the spaceship shakes as it enters the atmosphere. You can see the fields of red grass around the landing sites and a river nearby. Some of the 8 legged horse things can be seen around the landing spot.*

::[by the looks of it sir, there have been some attempts at colonisation on another part of the planet, but it's long been forgotten. Probably because of the narcotics in the atmosphere.]

*some bits of fuselage tare off the ship*

*falls out of an access shaft with a roll of flex tape*
Found it. Was in the server 9 bathroom for some reason.
*over the radio*
Sure whatever you say CAPTAIN just leave me a bottle of rum in my office.

Okay for the last time use the god damn lead LEAD based solder when fixing equipment. If you're not working quantum don't use silver. It doesn't stick as well
*grumbles and retreats back into the walls*

*the landing gear deployes and the starship slows it decent. With a jolt it lands on the alien surface.*

::[Running status report]

(((STATUS REPORT PROTOCOL INITIATED)))

SHIP AI::
Anti ship batteries are operational (99%)
Primary cannons are operational (96%)
AAA batteries operational (88%)
Torpedo tubes online [8 torpedos remaining]
LS online (76%)
Shields are charged (100%)
Plasma energy generators are online (91%) and at (42%) capacity
Warp crystals are (72%)
Erchius fuel (19%)
Interstellar capacity (NEGATIVE)
Low impulse thrusters online (75%)
103 of the recommended 180 crew are detected
Long ranged comms online
Armory stock (11%)
HH connection strong

Hanger content:
2 {Vanguard L} dropships
1 {Vitan} cargo vessel
3 {Valkyrie 3K} medium interceptor/fighter
1 {Echo} medium rover/IFV

[STATUS REPORT COMPLETED]

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*over the PA*
Attention this is Head Electrical Engineer Normie. In 2 hours life support and artificial gravity will be temporarily offline. Please stay close to your emergency OZ kit and watch your head.
Thank you.
*sounds of the handset being dropped followed by "damn it"*

::[the atmosphere is breathable but contains a large amount of narcotics produced by a species of flower that is currently releasing it's pollen]

Hey lads i was playing warband in my quarters
We have space ships n shits but bannerlord still doesn't have a release date..
What's up?

Looks like it's gonna be a fun time.
Computer what exactly is this narcotic? Is it compatible with the human body in high doses or would a large amount cause an overdose?

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Where is this ships cook????

::[Atmospheric tests suggest that it would take about 8 minutes for the effects of the hallucinogens to start effecting the human mind but they would only make the subject "black out" if they were exposed to the atmosphere for upwards of 35 hours. After they loose consciousness they would die in the 22 hours following. Give or take, depending on natural tolerance.]

See
::[We just landed and the ship is damaged]

*opens eyes, blinks a few times, goes back to sleep

*throws a tendie at Boogaloo*

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Hallucinogenics huh?
*puts on oxygen kit*
Computer open all exterior intake vents not used for cooling equipment or anything that doesn't lead to where humans would likely be. Any vents that lead to equipment that is necessary for the function of the ship I want operating normally.
*turns off life support and artificial gravity*
Gonna be a fun day. This is what you faggots get for fucking with my electronics. Cheetos in the circuit boards, jizz on the breaker panels fucking shit in the conduit. Enjoy the trip.
Computer set failsafe at 10 hours to close the vents and cycle the atmosphere out of the ship. I'll activate the emergency purge vents after I've had some fun.

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you got it. ill get you the good stuff
why dont you stop being useless and tell us about the planet
keep your damn masks on and dont breathe this shit in without it. lets explore the colony

::[yes sir.]

*The ventilation fans get a little but louder for about 30 minutes*

::[The echo class medium rover is ready for deployment. Caution is advised around the unidentified eight legged horses]

Don't worry cap I won't.
We need more copper onboard anyway. I'll come with you. Not like you can tell a Pigaci board from an Eduino.

especially not now because of the double vision.

Oh its just another one of the green realms many natural farms. We need to access what you call narcotics for us to keep our abilities. Gotta get faded if you wanna fade in and out of space breh.

*fades dick into space*

why is the colony abandoned?

Nah its just a planet filled with weeds and shit lmao. Easy to let the planet do the job. We control the entire nebula so we've got plenty of large solid balls floating around for this.

I like this planet

keep your fucking mask on or im throwing you in the brig

*all crew that aren't wearing emergency o2 are high off their tits*

Wat mask
Waaaat

jesus christ you go on an alien planet with no life support? you dont know what bacteria or toxins are here you retard?

*shoves mask on your face*
You're gonna be high as shit in a half hour or so. Just let it pass and don't freak out.
Dumb meatball.

>derp bad at rp

::[The echo class medium rover/IFV is ready for deployment]

Idk i was chilling in the engine room and when i came back there was nobody there
I get lonely really fast, i actually cry like a baby when i'm alone, so i went outside in a hurry looking for you
I'm gonna die am i
At least i'm high af, kek

Thanks lad

....*sigh* no mijo you're not going to die. You'll just hallucinate a little bit just look try not to think about it and don't think about any dark shit or you might have a freak out.
*puts a set of anti-hallucination shades on you*
There. That should take care of 70% but the other 30 is up to you to not fuck up your own mind thinking about dark shit.

::[A crowd of the eight legged rainbow horses now surrounds the landed shit. They look at it, filled with horse-like curiosity.]

Cool, our ship is high as well

Wtf are you cunts doing here?

Oh shit they're too curious. The automated systems might end up wasting them.
*speaks into wrist implanted radio*
Computer perform a short range scan on these horsey assholes. Can you identify the structure of their teeth and stomachs to determine if they're herbivores or carnivores?

Ayy lmao

{{{SCANING...}}}
__________________

::[on closer inspection they seem to have a mouth that functions similar to a snail. They have a special type of tongue that's covered in ridges. This tongue, or radula, can have more than 2,500 ridges. To eat, the horse opens his mouth and rubs his tongue against the food source, cutting of tiny pieces with his tongue ridges. As he retracts his tongue, he brings the food back into the mouth to eat. As for the herbivore/carnivore thing, we require a dissection. You are able to name this creature as there are no official documents on it.]

I'm some kind of officer on this ship.

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There's no company policy for dealing with those...

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*whipsers* Joe, make something up.

Wait, these things are real? I thought that i was still high

So, uhh, we still need to repair the ship and find a fuel source. Sir.

I'm not a very creative person, that's why I got a job in the personnel department. All you need to do here is enforce regulations and fill out paperwork

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How should we name them?
I propose
Raviolsauri

So you can not do anything about this situation? What about the captain?

::[naming confirmed {Raviolsauri}. Creating Wikipedia article over long ranged commas]

Sounds good to me. Did you ever fill out that application btw?

I mean, there are policies regarding natural wildlife, mostly how we can exploit them for profit. If we can capture one of these things we could probably sell it to scientists for big bucks, or report it to corporate for a promotion. Although the handbook doesn't recommend bringing unknown life aboard the ship since they could damage/kill the ship/crew.

AI, please dolphin noises loudly over the next 24 hours.

Just superglue the wall panels, I don't have a fuel solution.

I say we kill it and put the refrigerator.

::[Operation "Dolphin Noises" has begun.]

*it's quite loud*

Emh, i was too busy with vidya n shits

Interesting. With how they eat they could legitimately be an herbivore or a carnivore. We'll have to take one alive for study.
*speaks into radio*
Computer activate the UHF emitter and transmit as many wavelengths as you can without disrupting humans over a 20 meter radius around the ship. Maybe we can stun one or they're like dogs with dog whistles.
As well use the electrostatic short range TOW turret to try to stun one of the uhhhh....Raviolsauri. Keep the amperage low unless it doesn't have effect then fry the bastard to put it down. Better dead than nothing at all.
Joe no offense but our captain is completely incompetent dumping hookers in the wall panels and running off drunk half the time. I know I'm just an engineer but as far as I'm concerned this is my ship. I've changed out over 600 circuit boards and endless amounts of wire to keep this thing running. She's my wife in every way but reality.
Get security teams K-1 through 3 down to the cargo bay ready to bring in what we're gonna put down. Tell them if the creatures become hostile to use the .50 depleted uranium. That will take down anything. If all else fails have them use the tungsten rod railguns.

Uhh, alright. How are we going to get out of here sir? I mean, the ship's half broke and we're in an uncharted sector. Do we use the distress beacon? I have to catch up on the new anime season. I haven't even seen cells at work yet.

Maybe someone here has a life alert button, it would have been helpful for our company to provide us with onstar.

HOLY SHIT, JOE

::[I will begin to spam every communication device we have to try and radiate them as well as turning on and of the deflectors repeatedly in an attempt to disrupt the surrounding areas ion balance. However I must warn that we have no electrostatic weapons aboard the ship. If I am made to open fire it would either have to be with the point defence, brawler cannons or executer class primary turreted railgun. Ship defence teams have been dispatched to your position.]

Reporting for duty sir. Uhh, also there is only one guardsman team. Consisting of 8 guys with cold war era FALS donated buy the forces of Jow Forums. It's amazing they still work actually.

The company discontinued that policy 3 years ago after they figured out they could just plead ignorance to ships in trouble and save money.
I know, I'm the one who recieves all of the HR complaints about his drunken antics. I can move the teams that are on shift down to the bay no problem. Also, I have marriage certificates in my office if you want to make the ship your wife officially.

JOE COME HERE, EXPLAIN THIS

Explain what?

What is THAT?!

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