Welcome to your interview user. Now tell me, what makes you qualified to work for ABC Technologies?

Welcome to your interview user. Now tell me, what makes you qualified to work for ABC Technologies?

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I can write a template class in C++

you got to turn it off then on again

I read your website for 5 minutes.

We will be giving you a call if your selected.
>Note: That means you wont be hired because the boss doesn't give a shit about your technical jargon and only wants results. Your condescending response was enough for everyone to realize you were not going to fit.

>Underqualified. reject

>Hired.

have you ever actually done any hiring?

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I am asking the questions around here.

confirmed for never having been in an interview process let alone conducted one

I'm comfortable working with a considerable number of languages, database systems, network configurations, "DevOps" configurations (worst fucking meme yet), and I'm quick to be onboarded into new projects.
>tfw full stack masterrace

Thank you user.
What are your certifications?

Also, could leave me a copy of your resume?
>You better have brought a folder with resumes. If you did not, it is the difference of being hired and not despite your credentials.

i can write a fizzbuzz

We will call you if you've been selected.
>Not hired.

I've got two resumes, one for tech and one for non-tech, as well as a nice stack of references for each.
I'm a Microsoft Office Specialist Master, certified for 2010 (getting it renewed for 2016/18 this year), getting my OSCP, MCSD, AWSC, and a few other certs this and next year. My current company highly encourages me to get certs, especially at my age (youngest in the company). Literally just throwing money at me at this point.

Thank you user. Welcome to the team.

I can install gentoo without handbook

I'm 1/4 black jewish

Thank you user we will keep in touch.
>Your meme knowledge is inherently useless in the working man's world. Nobody knows what you're talking about and you will not be hired for it.

You forgot to say genderqueer, disabled and a refugee.

Ah yes. Thank you for coming user. Please leave your resume on the way out.
>Despite your identity politics, most companies do not need to abide by quotas unless you are a giant company. The hiring staff finds you weird for mentioning it in the first place, and therefore not hired.

>Any final questions user?
Uh yeah - what did *you* earn at your last job? what is your sexual orientation? who did you vote for at the last election? what is the closest approximation of your skin tone as an RGB value?

Well, why then you tell me about "we will keep in touch" thing? Useless indeed
And for serious now: what you will define as useful?

>$25,000 gross
>straight
>never voted out of principle
>right now it's dark in my office, so hex is #e6cb91

I'm sorry Mr ABC Technologies, but given the huge software developer shortage, you'll be the one explaining why should I work for your company instead of the one next door.

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>I'm just here so I don't lose my neetbucks

How much are you willing to pay me? Don't make me lose my time.

To exchange my skills for money

I am not a virgin.

I'm trans

I'm not trying to get hired, I'm here because you're being accused of breach of contract and intellectual property theft. I will be auditing your company for the next few days.

I invented a new computer and wrote a code to let me use two mouses at once. And I have 7 monitors. I also used to do vidya controller mods in high school.

Not that user but my workplace uses Linux-based integrated systems and that answer with some explanation would get you hired for sure.

What makes you qualified to employ me pal?

Can I call you Mommy?

I graduated with a 4.0 GPA

oh i thought dan said you needed a consultant
guess you don't

I'm a top-tier shitposter in this chinese cartoon board. Whatever tech related problem you have, I'll solve it by shitposting to Jow Forumsentoomen, make them think they're superior by letting them tell me just how wrong I am and in what way and then I'll use exactly opposite of what they say to solve the problems. Simple.

but im the janitor
i already work here

for free

You know that scene in Apollo 13 where you have to connect this thing to this thing to this thing to save the world?


I expose LabVIEW methods to a PHP API.

>bonjour elliot