PTSD journal from a fucked up veteran (aka me)

3/11/2019
Woke up at 7 am, went for a walk. Been struggling with anger today. Tried reading my Bible to calm down. Saying really racist and horrible things out of spite and anger. Indian recruiters won't stop calling my house phone, I pick up the phone and cuss them out, call them stupid sand niggers and tell them to never call me again. I'm sweating and shaking as I'm typing this. I want to kill something or someone. I hate the world. I hate these stupid recruiters that track me down and try to put me in for jobs I don't want and sell my information to other stupid recruiters. I hate the big tech companies that pay these recruiters literally 5 dollars to day to do this because they're too fucking lazy to do the work themselves. I feel guilty about my actions but I can't stop. I'm a slave to my sin. I want to stop feeling angry. I don't want to be acting this way. Doing breathing exercises. Trying to calm down so I can work. The tech industry is a sham. Fuck 'em. I'll figure out how to make a living all by my goddamn self. Take your whiteboard interviews, your hipster Google culture, and passive aggressive office politics and shove it up your ass. I'll decide my own fate since a fucked up person like me could never work in your shitty office, I'd punch you in the dick and fucking throw you out the window and watch you splat on the sidewalk. Then I'd come downstairs, find your body, cut off your head and take a giant shit down your bloody neck. Then I would cut off your limbs and do who knows what else before the police come and put me out of my miserable existence.

Hows your monday morning /g?

Attached: goodBoy.jpg (477x527, 128K)

Other urls found in this thread:

google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/10/world/africa/boeing-737-max-8-crash.html
twitter.com/NSFWRedditImage

Go to the VA and get some help.

I relate.
Talk about it with a professional.

Already been going. Hopped up on drugs, 300mg Venlafaxine and 300mg Gabapentin. I go to therapy once a month. I keep a journal to show my psychologists.

Good. It's a process. It takes time to learn what you are comfortable with.

Well, for now, it's freelancing. I can't work in an office, last job I had got fired because of these issues. So right now I'm stuck going to therapy and browsing shitty Upwork contracts. And posting here because I have no friends.

i think you should punch the walls and scream at the top of your voice all the time. that's my diagnoses

>30033▶
>i think you should punch the walls and scr
Already did that once, almost got arrested. I've learned that doesn't work, but thanks!

alternatively probably has a whole bunch of sissy hypno vids that might tickle your pecker

punch the cops. punch everyone.

Yeah I'm gonna be switching psychologists here soon, I was told I might get some hypno therapy. In the meantime I can watch one of those gay ass hypno vids and see what I'm in for.

My dads a (former) cop who also has PTSD so that might get complicated. At least we can smoke medical marijuana together and laugh about it

haha nice

Watch cute girls doing cute things, it's hard to be mad when you see them sing and hold hands.

Attached: 67988711_p0.png (1012x734, 545K)

Generally curious why you're posting to Jow Forums. Jow Forums actually contains some useful stuff

Because I'm a freelance developer and I'm triggered by typical tech office environment. Hoped maybe there were other triggered developer vets who'd be like "I relate man"

Dude, it's not you - it's them.

I worked in embedded systems and on other performant, real time systems (including aircraft) for 25 years. By the time I was 50, immigrants (primarily Indians) and a general lack of respect for efficiency, quality or anything that took time, as well as a decline in the general engineering knowledge of the lo-renters I was working with had decimated the field.

When I was laid off without notice after being told a month earlier that the project I was leading was looking good, and then managed to land a second Pajeet-infested job that only lasted nine weeks, I was punching walls, too.

I realized what a clusterfuck software development has become at ANY level - even the formerly competent systems level - and realized I could never go back to that shir again, anyway.

My PTSD, while no doubt less severe than yours, was largely the result of numerous layoffs, company closures and reorgs, as well as an extended series of almost unbelievable office psychopaths which could fill a book, and just might someday.

There is nothing wrong with you, except perhaps the intensity of your response to the shitshow the field's become. If you truly love science, engineering and programming you will grieve for what we lost.

But, if you're smart enough to realize Tech is fucked sideways, you're smart enough to start something of you own.

That's what I and a lot of others are trying, FWIW. Beats being "cucked", and a cube is the OG wage-cage anyway.

You're like my dad
Go to the VA and block recruiters
Why the fuck should you lose your salary to some curry nigger's who did something you can do yourself on Google.

Attached: 7A1A17E9-2408-499F-9FBD-03D38B50ED85.jpg (1024x600, 44K)

TLDR; no Vet (thank you for your dedication) but "I relate, man."

Pajeet finally kills:

"4 hours ago ·The latest on the crash of Ethiopian Airlines Flight 302, a Boeing 737 Max 8. ... raised the possibility that Flight 610's crash was caused by automated anti-stall *software* in the Max 8 model..."

google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/10/world/africa/boeing-737-max-8-crash.html

I used to work on DO-178B Level A (life/safety critical) systems as well, saw dedicated, careful people being replaced by cheaper IDGAFs.

This, and over complication of modern systems in general, made it just a matter of time until they killed a lot of people.

Attached: 1552248207696.png (573x689, 52K)

>I'll decide my own fate since a fucked up person like me could never work in your shitty office, I'd punch you in the dick and fucking throw you out the window and watch you splat on the sidewalk. Then I'd come downstairs, find your body, cut off your head and take a giant shit down your bloody neck. Then I would cut off your limbs and do who knows what else before the police come and put me out of my miserable existence.
I've been there but you're older than me. That anger means you'll make it, have my prayers tonight user

lol

OP is jealous he doesn't have a comfy STEM job. I'm so comfy rn at my silicon valley job, making apps for the underprivileged youth.

Don't tell me. You frogpost on /lit/ right? Go back, man.

Nah, frogposting is for faggots. I've never posted here before.

Attention-whoring threads belong in

Meh. I'm comfy taking on work I actually want rather than being told. I can also shout nigger as loud as I like in my office and no one gives a shit. Down here in the desert with nothing but an internet connection, a chip on my shoulder and no more fucks to give. When i'm not being triggered and fighting suicidal thoughts, it's great.

Not a developer but I am a vet. Mad props to you for getting back into the workforce, technology at that, instead of sulking on facebook all day

Now you can spend all that time filling out endless Web applications that never result in a job instead. BIG societal win!

Attached: 1550911890343.jpg (239x239, 12K)

This some good and fresh copypasta.

Nope, I'm an accountant now.

>go to VA
>get molested
>not have double PTSD

Well if I shit the bed and can't make a living freelancing, I'll get into comedy instead

at least we can all shitpost on Jow Forums together user

Attached: 1548550363764.jpg (1074x1065, 105K)

Labeling yourself a fucked up veteran will never do you any good. Move on. Get to a therapist and psychiatrist and begin to heal. Face your pain.

Attached: quote-i-must-not-fear-fear-is-the-mind-killer-fear-is-the-little-death-that-brings-total-obliteratio (850x400, 87K)

How do I unsub from your blog?