Alright guys, it's time for our daily stand-up scrum meeting

Alright guys, it's time for our daily stand-up scrum meeting.

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Fuck you I got coding to get done

someone doesn't want to be agile

No I don't give a fuck about being agile I want to get work done

How can you get work done if it isn't agile?

Yikes user, you all right? Do we have to call Stacy at HR and get her involved?

>Agile SCRUM with TFS 2017 masterrace

GOML Plebs

By going and doing the work what are you retarded? I don't work in a "team" I am an independent unit in this office

Why would me wanting to do the function I am hired for IE coding be an HR problem?

Yesterday, I made no progress on my assigned tasks. This isn't an issue, because today I'm planning on shitposting until 4:30.

>10 minutes of the scrum master reiterating things everyone on the team already knows and has been doing for 3 years

You're not yourself user. How about you go back to your desk and wait for Stacy to come and talk to you, ok?

No I want to go back to my desk and finish the project I'm working on not waste an hour standing here talking about it fuck you and fuck your teamwork activities unlike all of you I want to put in work for this company not talk about putting in work

>Work on a crappy team at a large company with lots of products/teams
>Every sprint for the past 8 months has us behind in user stories
>There are multiple days in a Sprint where some team members literally get little to no progress done on their assigned tasks
>This leads to some team members mumbling and trying to invent shit to make it look like they did something when it’s their turn to speak during standup
>e.g. one day a woman on our team didn’t do anything the day before and literally said “all i did was watch training videos on pluralsight”
>Burndown looks like shit
>Everyone is paid very well but work rarely gets done

Anyone else know this feel bros?

>Daily call at 7:30am to discuss nothing because I just woke up and lasts over an hour.
>Two standups 15 minutes apart at 9:00am for different functional areas for no reason.
>Separate 11:30am call for an entirely separate functional area
>1:30pm call to reiterate what was discussed in the 11:30am call
>Random calls and meetings throughout the rest of the day
>FUCKING 2 HOUR CALL AT 10:30pm

I'm so glad that the project failed and we stopped that shit. All of the good people left and no one knows what the fuck is going to happen now.

Fuck SCRUM.

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>Wake me up at 7:30 in the morning
>Expect me to still be up at 10:30 at night

Get fucked

>he's not a Certified ScrumMaster® (CSM®)

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I was that girl (male) for the first 9 months of my current job. "I did Linux Academy training yesterday." I dreaded going to the daily standup and looking like an asshole. Burndown charts were about 40% completed at the end of our iterations.

PluralSight isn't bad for stuff like the CCNA though in my opinion, just slightly below CBTNuggets but without the exorbitant monthly cost. The thing is though I actually did get better at my job and shadow'd all of the time. I also labbed like heck so I could be more competent.

27, working for the government. Eventually made it. Give that girl a chance.

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This lol

No she’s not new, she’s been there for 20 years at least and she’s probably in her 50s, making over six figures doing nothin

peepee

I see now. That's extremely frustrating then. We have a few dead weight gentleman like that as well, a few were let go but only after about 18 months of being dead weight (that was provable / trackable).

God I wish that were me

>'scrum! yaaay'

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>work day starts at 7:30 AM
>call at 10:30PM, lasts 2 hours
>work day lasts at least 17h
Just what the fuck is this supposed to be?

Lot's of overtime amirite ;)

that entirely defeats the purpose of agile, what the fuck
your scrummaster deserves to be fired for letting you get blocked so often

Me; level n+1 contractor, watching all the call center support personell being forced to "do agile" even though they're not developers and the workflow makes absolutely no sense, because some management fuckknuckle attended some seminar on it, and decided to "get with the times".

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>scrummaster
I don't think you know how agile works when introduced to enterprise matrix management.

Mom! user is being toxic :^)

Do you think it makes sense for any non-developer role? Such as; system administrators and networking guys? At my job they just implemented it for SA's and it's essentially a tool for management to further micromanage us. To no one's surprise though, the amount of time spent in meetings is resulting in a quite noticeable lose of productivity.

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That sounds almost exactly like my job.

>pm leads the scrum
>pm is a bloated women with no tech background, and a disgusting philipino accent
>when she says 'backlog', it's 99% flem that coming out.
>testers are comprised of hen house of old ladies that basically test 'happy path' scenarios and use no logic to go beyond.
>test lead is a punjabi lady that basically gave up after her promotion. She literally does nothing now other than approve shitty test cases.
>software dev lead is an eastern European rat boomer who basically has a few offshore monkeys do all of his front-end coding.
>he just merges it into proper branch, and takes credit.
>I do the majority of the engineering....i.e. api's, data layer, services, and work with other teams that we rely on for device data and integration.
>when I'm not engineering, I am carrying Sergei and the disgusting PM in all aspects of product life management.
>When I'm not doing the above, I am hand-holding the testers to better tests or to dismiss their stupid non-bugs.
>my shitty cubicle is a revolving door of constant visitors in need of my help.
>if I ever take 2 consecutive days off from work, I come back to an apocalyptic shit show of decision making.

You may ask why I don't have more clout

>I am a Computer Science dropout and this kind of cripples me in the area of job advancement. At least in this bland corporate company, run exclusively by MBAs.

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The best part of scrum is that they were forced to make up bullshit in standups, and everybody can see right through. It's easier to bullshit without daily standups. That's the only reason I like scrum.

>mfw scrum masters make 100k+
>all they need is a certificate and couple years experience in an agile environment (and ability to regurgitate a load of bullshit)
>literally all of them do jack shit at my work besides run a couple "ceremonies" throughout the day
>meanwhile i'm on 60k with a CS degree

bros i think i picked the wrong profession

>17-hour work day

Literally me. Just put it off till it gets dropped for the next iteration.

Enjoy wasting the companys money by making something which can no longer be used in the overall product due to a minor overall change

Lmao I always thought "scrum master" was a made up title, like code ninja, JavaScript guru or whatever the soibois put in their Twitter bio.

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It's fine to make little to no progress on tasks every once in a while. If you're on a project where everyone needs to learn something new this happens a lot. If it consistently happens no matter what or no matter how trivial the assigned task is then yeah it's a problem.

The scrum is real and mishandled most of the time. It's read as 'waste everyone's time' when it should be 'daily updates'

earn a CS degree parttime while working at this shithole, that way you can escape. A software engineering degree is a better idea if you don't like math but still want something on your resume that can get your foot in the door

Yeah. I basically thought the "scrum master" was whoever was in charge of putting together the meeting. I had no idea this was a certified job. Scrum Master is certified but somehow UX engineer is tolerated.

to be fair, I still giggle when I'm at someone's dev management area and they're talking about scrums and scrum masters