Mr. Collins informed me that some incidents, of a nature similar to that which I related...

>cope
Shall we see your Shakespearen skills in action mr. GreentextLover3369?

Attached: 1820493.jpg (425x600, 44K)

Only when i look at this board

Someone raised her hand and began asking questions and then another raised their hand and then another and another and so on. What a pain in the ass.
While the Q&A session took place I grabbed the chance to talk to the fellow:
«So, what do you think about your reward?»
He looked at me with a dull expression, perhaps still ashamed about before and gave me a half-assed reply
«I don't know, it's sort of... strange. Sends shivers down my spine.»
«May I see it?»
«Sure thing.»
He brought up his inventory and showed me the eerie object.
I looked the egg over and noticed something rather unsettling: bloodshot vermilion eyes on all sides. Staring at you, watching your every move, peering in the depths of your soul... they blinked! I spaced out for a while wondering what sort of spawn of the devil would come out of it, then Faber's words snapped me back to reality
«Starting from tomorrow, you'll be able to set out on a journey through the latest version of our extraordinary open world maps. We will notify you via mail when the update will be ready for everyone to download. Thank you so much for joining us. Have a nice evening.»

Attached: la_verga.jpg (473x514, 163K)

Did i actually write this shit lmfao thanks for the hearty laughs.

Only when I look at your face. Epic burn.

Attached: __akaza_akari_yuru_yuri_drawn_by_rin2008__b18882660bee179275252e57670d686e.jpg (800x1132, 526K)

It's pretty good

You're kidding me lol this is prime shit doesn't hold a candle to fanfictions

It's no masterpiece but it is all right. I wouldn't call it "prime shit" . It's acceptable

If you call this shit acceptable boy you're going to think my improvements are godly

Ok can I see some

Attached: 1549970252482.png (277x255, 58K)

It's rather dry. You shouldn't write things like "gave me a half-assed reply". Show that it's half assed through his dialogue, or the character's internal thoughts.
There's also a lot of unnecessary detail. You could make the whole paragraph a lot shorter.

pastebin.com/0nf1WWHJ
Nigger SSP is gonna probably spam this but whatever

It was a first try dude. It's been one year since i wrote that.

“I’ll take your word for granted then.” I never really bothered to find out more on lunar cycles, but as long as she wasn’t going to harm me, I could’ve handle the scientific notions she pulled out of her ass just fine.

Attached: 05.jpg (488x487, 79K)

Lol the correct term is "for granite"

>implying you revise this shit before the 2nd draft
Show me your moves daddy

Attached: 6e2.gif (600x580, 571K)

Why is ssp your dad.

I like writing as well, it's good to receive criticism.
Helps you improve.

In this you start off with a run-on sentence.
>In good time the sorrows that pained me during the latter half of the school day caught up with me and the possibility taking refuge in my pastimes was as distant as the hills and the mountains the window in my room looked out to.
I would change it to this.
>The sorrows I have endured, the pain I have experienced - it's caught up to me. This time there is no refuge. The comfort of my pastimes dances just out of reach, like hills standing hazy on the horizon.

That's shorter and reals in the audience. They want to know what the sorrows you're experienced are.
Just keep going over your sentences and redoing them until it sounds right, it takes a while but it pays off.

smugiepop

You: "She was wearing a black overcoat, black hoses, black shoes, black leather gloves, black everything and was one with the night. Her umbrella was black, too."

Me:"She wore black"

Attached: IMG_0323.png (1200x1200, 1.78M)

I wanted to save fancy words for cheerful moments and use simple and straightforward sentences during depressing times. It's a linguistic choice I've taken to underline the emotional states of mind of the protagonist throughout the book. Also i wanted to avoid repetition and make look as smooth as possible.

Is her skin black?

"She wore everything black" sounds autistic. "She was clad in back" doesn't give out the idea of a tired man struggling with his overwhelming tiredness but rather a relaxed person who is taking a funny walk outside.

>but it fell through it and dropped to the ground as if a large hole was carved into the leather.
I would replace it with
but it fell through and dropped to the ground as if a large hole was carved into the leather.

I also have dark circles under my eyes

I'll take care of these minor inconveniences when I'll get to revise and polish it desu

Okey

Well yes you can do that, but that doesn't mean you can abandon the basic rules of writing.

It takes a lot of time to read your chapters over and think of how to fix them. If i revised every chapter each time I'd never finish the first draft.

I see , makes sense

>basic rules of writing
I mean styles are styles
But let's see my point of view anyhow:

>>The sorrows I have endured, the pain I have experienced *long pause* - it's caught up to me. *pause* This time there is no refuge. *pause* The comfort of my pastimes dances just out of reach, like hills standing hazy on the horizon. *pause and so on*
It's definitely shorter, but it doesn't seem to flow well and kinda feels weird for a person who's laying down on a bed regretting his actions and pondering on the past imo. Don't worry though, I've dropped a shitton of commas and periods in scenes where anxiety takes the spotlight. It goes really to show that the work isn't a monotonous diary, but rather should sound like as if the things he went through played out in front of you. I'll have to shorten my sentences in my second draft anyway.

*as if
Welp I'm fucking drunk tonight

It's an opening sentence. They're designed to grab the reader's attention. If you jump straight into run on flowery sentences people will feel overwhelmed. Saturating your story with that might sound good for the first few hundred words but it'll get tiring quickly.
For example, things like
>I munched tepidly on the ready-made dinner to savor the forkfuls, and was gradually revived by the meaty taste of the burger.
Is just unnecessary imo.
You might like poetry if you're writing in a fanciful manner.
>but it doesn't seem to flow well
What do you mean by flow?

If this sounds oversaturated, idk what classical authors would sound like. It's not like I'm writing an essay on burgers after all, just stating how the character is prone to eat stuff, which underlines his laziness and lack of cooking skills on one side, instead of plainly saying what he eats for dinner. I'll keep your suggestion in mind either way.
>what do you mean
That i use a lot of periods when thoughts should sound incoherent and jumbled, like when fear or anxiety kicks in. If I use too many periods in the first sentence it'd get even more tiring to pause all the time and follow up with another sentence.
Sure it's an entrance line, but I'm paying attention to the emotional state of the protagonist before everything. For instance let's say he's in an excited state after waking up, I'd be like "it's the dawn of a great day, I can smell success in the air." or some shit like this, but when he's in a brooding mood, there's no need to drop periods and cut off chunks of reflections. It kinda kills the rhythm and forces the reader to pause all the time.

You know best on how you want the story to sound anyway, I'm just giving my thoughts as a reader, I probably sound harsh sorry
>That i use a lot of periods when thoughts should sound incoherent and jumbled
> I'm paying attention to the emotional state of the protagonist before everything
Hmm, I kinda get what you are saying, but there's more punctuation than just periods. There's commas, hyphens, and even semi-colons. The sentence I wrote could probably use commas instead of a period so it's like this:

"The sorrows I have endured, the pain I have experienced - it's caught up to me. This time there is no refuge nor respite, for the comfort of my pastimes dance just out of reach. Like hills standing hazy on the horizon, the memories I cling to so dearly have become faded and dull."

Anyway, this site is a bit babyish but I'd suggest reading it jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/showing/