I'm an amateur writer

i can pretend to be a very intelligent english scholar with a fine taste for literature, but don't expect any sense.

I expected nothing more nor less. Go for it

>Amplified in focus by the suns light
this sounds strange, but as I said maybe for a native speaker no

Fair enough, it's not exactly conventional English. I intended it to be confusing at first glance to even a native English speaker. Then understood at the second. I'm attempting to describe how otherwise indistinct objects can be given greater contrast and thereby importance to the human eye at certain angles of light.

Write one where the cute hentai babe gets fucked by a big anthro horse monster

it feels like the beginning of an ancient story, written with a touch of modern writing. the words which have been chosen may seem "wrong" in the first place, but once the reader realizes the intention of the writer, it's genius. but, like every other writing of a great author, it lacks a few things. the feeling of living has been realized in a good way, but it lacks vulnerability. the reader cannot truly identify with the "being alive" part of this writing, as he reads it in a way that isn't truly human. but still, this magnificent and noteworthy writing deserves a spot next to books like "Where the Wind goes" and "My Thought, my Heart."
5/7 - The Reader

>one in the former’s place and another at the edge of the sun’s creeping reach.

This line feels unnecessary, otherwise it's pretty good.

Write poetry.

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hehe, but if you are from Russia it would sound normally for you

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Thank you so much Swiss user. I know I have a long way to go and that kind of encouragement is going to help me keep improving. Don't forget though, I just wrote this without any plan or prior context. I could very well follow this up with something that adds greater meaning and sense to what is only an intro paragraph, or Atleast I hope to.

Thank you for your praise
I revel in your kind words
Live a good life user
(there's a haiku for you)

Thanks I see it now. I intended to use it as a way to illustrate the wider reach of the sun as it slowly rises but perhaps it was unnecessary.

still better to write in a more active voice

imagine writing drunk

Nice user, the descriptions are really nice and help the reader paint a clear picture and the pacing is just right for this work. Although you may wanna remove the number versions of numbers and use their word counterparts instead. Like for example, change “2” to “two”

A little to pretentious. You focus to much on playing with words rather then lure me into a story. The setting is a also extremely generic, that makes the pretentious descriptions stand out even more. It's annoying when writers try to make me see everyday occurrences or as in your case clichéd settings in a new light through overly poetic descriptions.
It's as if you lack empathy, you don't try to seduce me with your beginning but you try to show of your abilities in observation and description.

“Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.”

“When I used to teach creative writing, I would tell the students to make their characters want something right away.”

“Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.”

All quotes by Kurt Vonnegut that I agree with.

>canadian
>writer
heh

>german
>on a site full of nazis
Heh

I appreciate the advice, it makes sense and I don't intend to ignore it. Your snarky tone is a bit dickish though considering I wrote this while plastered, I never claimed to be a good writer, and (I'm going out on a limb here but) I have no reason to believe you have any higher qualifications than I do. So yeah decent tips, still rude.

What's so generic about a bay infront of a slum city? Are you saying every setting in a story needs to be fantastical and original? Even I know that is wrong, not every story needs to take place in a magical world of absurd localles or look like a try hard isekai anime.

No not every story needs a fantastical setting. But if it is one that is something commonly seen than it does not need such a long and detailed expose.
Two hundred years ago these descriptions were valuable. People could not travel that far, Photography didn't exist and Television neither. Now everyone who has seen more than two movies can imagine a bay before a slum city. Keep all the detailed descriptions for things that are hard to imagine. Like this it's showing off. You are not working with the reader.

> Your snarky tone is a bit dickish though considering I wrote this while plastered,

> I'm too drunk to care.

Choose one. And stop whining.

I made an effort to type down and tell you what needs to be done better. Thats more than someone I don't know can and should expect.
Also. My writing has been published.
I don't care, if you believe me or not. Also not if you take my advice or not.

Look at writing as lying. Be paranoid like when you lie: if you get found out, your story fails. If your lie passes, you wrote well.